I thought it might be nice to start a thread that is just for posting and sharing how we are doing. A thread that is all about us. Pure share and support. Nothing specific. Very open ended to just say what you want or need to say and reply to others who you feel moved to do so.
I will start....
Today I feel a bit anxious. Mother is coming home from nursing home tomorrow. She wasn't doing well walking and really I was pretty sure she was going to die soon as she has:
a stage 4 bedsore on her coccyx,
had 5 infections in a year,
lost 20 pounds in six months,
started developing another bedsore on her heel,
had low protein upon admittance to the nursing home for rehab despite eating very well at home (fish, meat, eggs, cheese, fresh veggies and fruits, etc),
has periods of confusion,
seems weak and like she couldn't even walk well or get up/lay down without some assistance and now some help with ADLs from what I have seen.
I mean to me all of this seems pretty serious and I feel like she's probably not long for this world. And I actually feel relief at the thought of that for a myriad of reasons that most of you can imagine.
So today I'm trying to manage all this, to be okay with how things are and be okay with how they evolve while also thinking how much less stressful it would be if she just passed away. I feel awful for that but I cannot help how I feel. I never wanted to be a caregiver but here I am. I hope to god I don't have to do it for very long. I've already been at it (less intense caregiving but still being a caregiver) for over a year.