My father-in-law lives about 300 miles away in a smaller town. My sisters-in-law that live in the same town are at the end of their ropes. They've tried having him live with them, giving him a place to live while helping him, assisted living apartments, nursing homes, hospitals, etc. He gets thrown out of every place, or when living independently, does things that endanger himself and others. He refuses to follow rules, especially where smoking is concerned. He will smoke ceaselessly, anywhere, anytime, regardless of the rules. He also has oxygen at any given time, which makes smoking even more of a danger. Apparently, restricting his access to cigarettes doesn't even help. Or, he'll act out in other ways, such as dressing inappropriately, urinating in public or on the floor, etc. He refuses to bathe as well. If he has money, he will buy mouthwash or cough syrup to drink, if he isn't able to get beer or other alcoholic beverages. If you don't let him have money, he resents that, too, or will accuse you of stealing from him. He started at least one fire in a rental house after being there for less than a week. In the past when he's come to visit us, he will smoke in the house constantly no matter how often you ask him not to, and tends to leave doors open with the heat or ac running full blast because he "wants some air". This can get expensive and uncomfortable, not to mention risky for our pets and children.
He's been dysfunctional all his life, and dependent on others, at least financially, but he's gotten to a point where he's a danger to himself and others. He's always been pretty inconsiderate, too, but he's taken it to a whole new level. It's almost like an oppositional defiant disorder...and judging by the behavior of his other son and one of his grandsons, it may well be that. My poor sister-in-law is to the point that she's asking my husband and I to try finding him a place to live here, even though the rest of his five children live in the same town. None of them know what to do anymore. My husband feels bad that he doesn't want to have his own father live with us, but he's worried about the stress it would put on our family, and I'm worried about that and safety issues.
I don't even know where to begin looking for him a place to live...he can carry on a conversation and seems perfectly sane most of the time, and seems capable of taking care of himself to some degree. But when left to his own devices, he'll drink himself into a stupor, pee on the floor from the sofa, and start fires with his cigarettes. I'm convinced that this is why many elderly mentally ill people end up homeless...no one seems to be able to deal with people like him.
At the same time, my mother recently had kidney failure, and is about to try home dialysis waiting for a transplant...it's still a very dicey situation, but my dad is doing a great job taking care of her. I hope to be able to donate one of my kidneys to her, but don't know yet if mine would be a good match, if I'm healthy enough, or if my mom will allow it...she's worried I'll have the same problems, but I told her I'd just get another kidney from someone else later if I need it...lol. But, it is a possibility, and it would be major surgery. I also have a five year old to care for.
Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed by the thought of all this...any advice you can give about where to start, what kinds of homes would take him without throwing him out, who to call, what to look for, etc. is greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance for your help!