My "family" has been torn to shreds because my Mom got VERY OLD. There were 7 siblings... one died... 2 were POA's who prematurely put her into a nursing Home 2 yrs. ago. The remaining 4 decided it was too early for her to be there, drugged to keep her quiet etc.; so we took her out of there and took turns caring for her since then. (She went straight to an attorney and fired them as POA's PLUS took them out of her will!). She appointed "her favorite" dependent son who lived at home with her until he was 35 as the new POA. The first year, she was able to walk, see, hear with hearing aids etc.
As her condition began to deteriorate, the favorite son and our mother's "favorite grand-daughter" began to manipulate her (the son taking a box of cash & old silver coins home to "watch for her". This aroused jealousies and suspicions. Not being very capable of doing anything, due to being spoiled by his favorite status; the POA son began demanding certain things to be done and was highly critical of "how" these frivolous things were done... Mom always upheld him in these commands and he felt confident with Mom and the grand-daughter making life as difficult for the remaining 3. Living 130 miles distant from Mom's and driving it every week 2 days per week... then home. I began feeling "left-out" and abused. I spoke to a therapist who suggested that I cut my time in half with the caregiving. By doing so it put pressure on everyone else, but I felt quite overwhelmed by the constant suspicion, fighting, arguments etc. ; so I did cut my time in half. This brother decided he would not "relieve me" when he was scheduled to do so... as punishment for cutting my time there.
My "other brother" had been taking care of Mom's finances... and doing a very fine job until several weeks ago, when: the POA brother suddenly took control of the checking account, blocked my brother from getting funds and even blocked my mother from the account.
My mother said she wants this "other brother to continue paying bills, buying groceries and etc... BUT my "other brother" walked out after making appeals to him to return the checkbook , ATM card etc. Needless to say the POA Brother would not comply with my mother's wishes.
My sister who bathed Mom and took care of her 4 days per week quit because of the POA Brother's demanding and criticisms.
SO, now the POA Brother is alone with my mother. Does not allow my mother to speak to any of her other children on the phone, changed the locks on the house and is very much prone to paranoia... has an axe at one door, and a pistol in the house.
He told my sister "We will be sorry that we 'walked-out' on Mom." (I believe that to be a reference to the Will.)
He really has been unstable, jealous of his siblings, very paranoid and reclusive.
I believe he is neither capable of caring for Mom nor being her executor either. Does anyone know what is the right thing to do.. especially, since my mother is behind him all the way (she worships him! But he has made her as paranoid as he is... and her dementia is now extreme... she can't walk, looses her balance etc. He don't cook but feeds her junk food.)? Now we can't even visit her, nor call her. I just feel like walking away after 4 years... and it's probably what he hopes I'll do. I just feel angry at him because, for him, he thinks he can do as he pleases with her will after her death, now that he has run everyone away.
If anyone has ever been involved in such a twisted mess, please advise me.
It seems to me that she was better off in the nursing home.
Can you give us a rough idea of how much money is being fought over?
He feels greed and jealousy and a deep sense of entitlement beyond all the rest of us. No, I am stronger than that... I know I can survive on my own with, or without, the combined legacy of my TWO parents. I guess I just don't want to feel "left-out"; that would feel crushing to my poor little ego.
Being true to yourself and leaving no regret can be difficult especially with your situation. It seems you reached to point to say its not worth it and let your brother get his not-so-nice way. If there are ways to resolve the problem whether a 3rd party is needed or not, and whether you see realistic hope or not, you may want to give it your best shot as you could just be the person to somehow bring the family back together. Not always easy, but could have much meaning.
In such a dysfunctional family as you describe it probably would have been much better to remain in the home with all of her children able to visit as they wanted to. If the POAs were acting in what they considered her best interest, punishing them by removing them from the will seems harsh and unloving.
You don't want to be "left out" by someone who is greedy, jealous, ungrateful, and has a false sense of entitlement? Why would being included by someone like that be good for your ego?
If this is eating you up, perhaps a few sessions with a therapist could help you feel better about this mess.
The baggage I carry includes never feeling included in the inner-circle of my family: "that" circle was my mother and her 2 favorite sons. My mother, being the family matriarch, established the "pecking-order"; made the rules and established behavioral norms that were not to be crossed! Even my father, a rather timid man, was cast out of the senatorial-rank in the hierarchy, and did not participate. She drove him away from the family-politics; and sentenced him to the office of "Provider". He stood back and allowed the insanity; a factor that gave me much anger because he was such an intelligent man. I ran away at age 13 and grew up "on the streets" during my rebellion-period. Despite several attempts to be "reinstated" as a bona-fide family-member after my return from war, I always received a tepid, or even cold welcome. I was living in the Philippines 4 years ago, when, I received word that "Mom was dying" and that I should return. "Motherhood" is a hard habit to break; so I came back to make whatever peace treaty was possible; to try to forgive and be forgiven etc.; but 4 years later, she still..... "is dying"!!!!!! ...and all her brood is still at her beck-and-call, doing her will for her... frankly, still kissing her BE-hind as she descends into this very strange dementia (sometimes, very lucid... and sometimes, being pitiful and estranged from the world). I think your advice to see an attorney is terrific; as she raised the last living favorite son "in her own image"... perhaps to perpetuate her own evil in the form of him, as her regent on Earth! I leave the country in 23 days now... hardly enough time to affect any real changes... and this evil brother has set his mind to "complete control" and to inherit all her assets and push everyone else out of the nest. As far as the 2 sisters who put Mom into the nursing home; they did it in an act of revenge to even "old scores". At the time, I felt a huge pity for the "old woman"; and she begged me to help her "get out" of that place. I suppose we all fell for the façade of "the poor old abused woman"; the helpless old mother who "done her best"... but, once out of the nursing home; she set out for vengeance once again.... and has attained it with the aid of this younger brother of mine. I cannot help but think that she has "gone 'round the bend" many years ago; and I feel just emotionally exhausted with it all. If there's any hope at all, I assume it would be to break apart this alliance between them... to get Mom into a nursing home away from his influence, at least a few hours each day; and to realize that the "inheritance" is deserved by me as much as anyone else. After all, it is not a "gift" from mother... but an echo of what my poor father left as his legacy. Even if he was timid... he was, at least, a fair man! He would never approve of her wretched behavior. Part of me feels I should run for my life away from this web of intrigue and the deep secrets (and there ARE many!)... and a part of me says to stand and fight "the good fight" for my remaining siblings... (even for the ones she ruthlessly disinherited). Not to allow her cruelty to endure beyond her last breath.... "justice" if you please.
It doesn't matter that your father earned the money. It is Mother's now, and she can do with it what she pleases. If that includes ruthless exclusions and unjust distributions, it is still her money. I don't know what legal claim you could have to it. If she lives long enough she may use up all the money herself.
If you are thinking of sticking around to fight the good fight and have justice prevail by getting the family to work this out, I think you know how ludicrous it sounds just by reading that sentence.
Go live your life. Let the old wounds heal.
As far as "fighting the good fight"; I mean that I'd rather see the money flushed down the toilet of the legal profession than to see my brother take it all from my brother and sisters. Believe it or not, "I" am doing much better than my siblings. I "know" I can survive (financially) ...with it , or not. "They" lived near her all their lives and catered to her whims; worked ceaselessly for her and were more dedicated to her than I was. I learned to survive early... on my own. My "wish" was to establish a relationship with her before it was too late to do so. My anger is aroused when I see that "favored brother" using his influence to greedily "take it all from them". I am not rich, but I can do alright. I travel to international locations... the only missing ingredient in my life was a mother's love just as it was for 5 of her 7 children, who were brainwashed into "honoring" all her wishes. I want to see my siblings, whom have endured so much, see that there is a better life "out there" away from the secrets & lies that have permeated their lives. To see that 'obligation ends where disrespect begins' ...and that was so long ago. They deserve a lot.. Mom owes each of them so much; but like I said, "Life isn't always fair."
Acceptance of that has gotten me through most of my problems in life.. to "accept" life, on life's terms. But some things ARE worth fighting for; to be a coward and accept injustice WITHOUT a fight is to embrace a kind of cosmic slavery. Win, or lose... triumphant, or bruised... there is a dignity that has been denied them all their lives.
I hope that she lives another 20 years... and I hope my little brother lives with her the whole time. THAT would be justice!
I know she can do whatever she pleases with her money and property... as it should be! I just hope to see that "her mignon" does not profit from his complicity and greed. The "good fight" is for them. Realizing that life isn't always fair, I feel that it's a coin-toss, but it's worth fighting for in court. Win or lose; it will show my siblings that I was on their side... in their corner.. with them, in opposition to an injustice that was given to us as a punishment for "being born".
You knew what it was when you left at 13; why would it change now?
I did write an email to Adult Protective Services, notifying them of the situation there at Mom's. I will try to accept, and live, your good council... to stay "in the light". Rovana, I remember when I left home at 13... I remember feeling that I had abandoned my (younger) nemesis-brother. That was before he became my nemesis. I wonder could he have been different if I had dragged him out of there, and into the streets when he was 11? My God, it was hard for "me" to survive... but it forced me to grow strong and to "do" whatever I "had" to do. Maybe he would not have made it.. or maybe "he" could have grown much stronger than me! Trying to figure all THAT stuff out could make me CRAZY! (Crazier than I already am!) In so many ways I feel sorry for him being left in that mess to fend for himself. Now, I allow what my mother sewed in him to infuriate me! That too, is a waste of good time upon the stupidity... and really, he fights battles (he "thinks" is) for her; but he fights a proxy battle for a grasping woman whose life is, quite frankly, over. The retribution you speak of is already manifest in the nature of "his life"... and no amount of money can change that. Actually, I guess I do feel a deep pity for both of them... all my siblings have offered help and love to them and they respond with suspicion and dark accusations. Perhaps that money is cursed... tainted... maybe it wouldn't help "anyone"!
I do burn incense and say prayers for both of them... at times, they are not very "sincere prayers"; but my counselor tells me to say them anyway. He is Christian; I am not; but his advise is always adhered to as best I can manage, because I really can't do this alone. This site has been a Godsend to me; my counselors and 12-step sponsor.. and even my sister's pastor has called! I am so lucky in all these ways; and so grateful that you are all so generous in sharing these things with me. I have never faced anything so emotional as this feeling of losing my mother on so many levels. I don't know how to repay you all, but I feel uplifted and sane now! I'm actually "okay". Now, it's up to Adult Protective Services to make sure Mom is okay. Thanks again everybody.
Let your nutty brother live with her and they can share their paranoia together. If you read much on this site, you'll know that living with someone with Alzheimers isn't easy for anyone, so your brother is paying his dues.
Go off and live your life, but consider being there for your other siblings as the supportive family they need. You have a lot of wisdom to impart to them.
I have said since the beginning that nobody who grew up in that house (including 3 grandchildren) escaped severe emotional and mental damage. These two agree with me on that, but have HUGE anger-issues. Sadly, I'm not totally innocent in that regard either, but I have much better control of my temper than my older brother, who stayed here and slaved for her fixing everything on her house that she wanted fixed while my little brother watched and had coffee... and I ran away because I did not feel welcomed there. He did it all alone! The sister has worked very hard for Mom for the past 2 years contributing 4 days of each week there while Mom nor my little brother offer no gratitude at all to either of them. Instead they complain that it isn't ENOUGH!
None of us are in good health in our mid-late 60's and the stress has exacerbated the existing health-issues. I'm lucky I could save up and buy a ticket o Asia... the 2 siblings are in no position to enjoy that freedom. That's why I feel a little guilty about abandoning them; but they both tell me that I've been treated shabbily and they don't blame me at all. They are being rather wonderful about it and encourage me to "Get out while the gettin' s good. I have already bought my ticket... my mother told my sister that she don't want to talk to me before I leave.. that's why she hasn't answered her phone. I thought that my brother wasn't letting her answer.. but it is her. (Talk about a broken heart... she sure knows how to do it... Dementia, or not.)
Anyway, you, and the good folks on this site have been totally, and surprisingly SUPER and I have learned so much from you all in just a few days. You have restored my faith in the human race! I know there are a lot of others out there whom are hurting so badly; trying to deal with similar problems and just trying to do the "right things", often, not knowing what the "right thing" is. When I go to the South Seas, I plan to try to contribute "something" to the site to try to repay, in a small measure, what I've been given. ...and you're right, Blannie to let them live in that imaginary, paranoid world together until the painful "end". Five of us tried our best to help them. I don't believe feeling guilty will be justified when it ends... by any of us... and that money? How much will they need to "pay" for it? They've already paid SO much... me too. I must admit that I thought it would allow me to go to Italy for a year, but now, I know I wouldn't let myself enjoy it. Maybe it can make my little brother happy... then, maybe he will see what it cost him and see a reason to address his damage.
It is ALL DUE to those who answered my appeal for help. There are so many caring people here whom have experienced what you are going through now. Some explain their mistakes they made in solving their problem; some explain "what worked"... BUT ALL of them give you an OBJECTIVE outside solution. Sometimes we are so heavily-invested in the emotional aspects of our dilemmas that we literally CANNOT see the practical solutions available to us!
I just want to put your mind at ease about putting it "out there" and allowing those whom have the experience or knowledge that they learned "the hard way", to share it with you. It was "instant wisdom" for me!
Meanwhile, the POA brother sounds borderline psychotic, what with the axe, etc. at the door. As suggested by other posters, getting Protective Services or whatever it is in your area should be involved. They have the legal authority to check into the situation.
Praying for peace and strength for you and your family. Sounds like you will all need it.
The prosecutor called today. He said he had gone out there to my mother's several months ago and everything seemed "fine". I told him, "Yes, I was there and I remember his visit... but the entire situation has changed now. The reason everything was 'fine' was because the 3 siblings kept it that way; but now, the 3 siblings are no longer there."
Basically, he said that we need to hire an "Elderly Care Attorney" and get someone appointed as "Guardian". I called my sister and brother to tell them, and we all agreed that we had done our best... Mom and her favorite son can now "enjoy each other's company". We all agree that the best course of action, for each of us, is to withdraw and try to live as happily as we can, outside the situation, for whatever remains of our lives, as kdcm suggests. You really cannot help someone who, behind the scenes, manipulates and encourages the strife. Going to court; hiring an attorney... she really is not worth it. She built this crazy world around her, as "she" wanted it... now, I say, let her live in it. She will find out how "helpless" her favorite is; and she created that too.
I guess I should feel guilty about giving up on her.. but I really don't. She has enjoyed all the attention and "playing the game"; but I wash my hands of her now.. my brother and sisters have given up too.. she can play alone, or with her favorite helpless son now. When she would not answer the phone when I called, many times on Sunday, she gave me a message loud and clear. I thought motherhood was eternal... but I was wrong.
It might be a comforting thought that, if or when things change (i.e., probably, deteriorate) and your mother needs protection or assistance, the option to go for guardianship will still be there. But you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
I'm sorry that you've been so hurt. There again, who knows what might change in your mother's attitude to you? Let it be, and keep a small door open for her somewhere. Best of luck.
I will say that this has been an horrendous journey for me (if you only knew the paths I have gone down in pursuit of a mother's love... I'm sure now that I'm jealous of my little brother because "he" don't have to seek it like I do. A very wise man made me see that yesterday. I really didn't WANT to see it! But he's right! The source of my problem with my little bro. is that I am jealous. I hate that about myself. Hahahaha! But I asked for enlightenment and he saw it and made me see it! The truth DOES hurt, but truth is SO much better than the lies!!! )
By the way, each of your replies have stimulated great pondering, as usual.. I am blessed by your help. I have learned so much in a week... not just about my Mom or my brother... but you have made me search myself ( Not a pleasant task for someone like me.), and I've been surprised by some things I don't like about "me"... but I have glimpsed some truly positive things within me too, that I never dreamed existed. You guys have a power, collectively, that "honestly changes lives"! I'm a witness! :) I will never forget this!
If mother has a will or trust the elder lawyer could review it with whatever lawyer drew it up for her in the first place.
One thing is important the powers of the POA die with the patient. When your mother dies the POA is null in void. Then the power of the executor of the will kicks in.
Does your mother have a living will or advanced directive? That is the document which should have allowed her to determine what treatments to have, whether to go to a NH or leave the NH if she was prematurely placed in one.
Since there is an absence of good will among her 5 children, you need to get a plan for her care, backed up with appropriate legal documents and then everyone needs to focus on the health rather than the assets of mom. It is unlikely she will exhaust her assets with proper use of them for her care. Some money will remain for sibling distribution--but the first role for the money is to meet her needs. If she can be managed at home with home health aides and some direct care by her children, this would be a proper use of her funds. One of the benefits of having some financial assets is it gives your mom the right to spend her last years as she likes. Without assets and with aging issues, the elder has no real choice other than a Medicaid nursing home placement.
One thing to keep in mind, your mother is the only one you will ever have. Decide what role you want and need to play in her care. Your living a distance away will limit it. Perhaps you help with the selection and payment of the home health aide, arrange for someone to come to the home to do mom's hair, or give her PT to keep her mobile. Find things which will make her life nicer and that could be your contribution to her. The decision to step out isn't really appropriate, you have a limited number of years to contribute. Good luck.