You won't know until you place him. You are making assumptions, based on your fears, not his. Do what is best for him and you both, don't second guess your decisions in regard to him. Most adjust nicely...over a period of time, if the caretaker backs off, and allows it to happen. Take care of you!
Akward, you don't know until you try. Who knows, your Dad may enjoy his "vacation" being around people closer to his own generation. As long as Dad understands this is just for a few days, and that he would coming home.
Imagine when you go to pick Dad [88 per your profile] up, he would be like a kid at summer camp who wants to stay longer :) And that's a good sign, maybe if Dad can budget for Independent Living [you don't say what are his medical issues, if any] or for Assisted Living, he might prefer to remain at the facility.
My Dad had moved to Independent Living and said later on he wished he would have moved into that place years earlier.
Are you saying he may not be happy? Are YOU happy all the time? Unhappiness is a part of life. You know that. You cannot keep it all happy all the time. For your own health you MUST have a break. The bow too tensely strung will easily break. You must take care of yourself if you even hope to continue in your care of Dad. What will happen if you die first? What then for him? Do not expect him to be happy. But know that you may be surprised that he did quite well. When a friend finally put his partner in AL and took a respite which wasn't really one as his Mom was ill in another country, he returned to a man who thought he had been on a vacation at a motel, and who had a wonderful time. So just saying, he won't like the idea, but you may be surprised by the outcome. Or not. Because that isn't really the question. The real question is how can you continue on without a break?
Your stepdad is lucky to have you, but any trouble he has in respite is nothing compared to how he'll be if you die. A large number of us die before the one who is being cared for. You need the respite to survive.
I was worried my mom wouldn't do well with respite because she gets anxious when I even leave the room, but she did really well. The caregivers dote on her, do her nails, fluff her pillows and she eats it up. Our LO need someone else to talk to once in a while. I'm sure your dad will do great.
I understand how you feel. What would you do if you had to have surgery, sprain your ankle and couldn't walk? Your stepdad will be ok, and you will be ok. If you always put everyone 1st, you have taught them you suppose to be 2nd. Take care of you! Blessings!
There are different types of respite care. Your step-father will very likely have problems if he's moved into a care facility and you're not available to at least visit - which is exactly what happens if you are suddenly hospitalized following an accident or illness (or end up being one of the 40% of care givers that dies prior to the person receiving care). I think it's very important to keep our LOs accustomed to someone else providing some care, even if they do not do as well with that other person. We need respite to be able to take care of ourselves and continue our care giving tasks and our LO needs to be able to accept care from others even as we remain their primary care giver.
My mother goes to adult day care 3 days a week, my brother looks after her 0-6 hours a week as his work schedule allows, and I use some additional private pay hours to attend the grands' events (mostly ballgames). Mom spent 10 days with my aunt (her younger sister) this summer while I went on a vacation with the grandnephews. Mom has spent a couple of days at a time with my aunt over the last 3+ years when I needed to travel for work and one weekend when I just needed a break.
If there's no one available within the family to provide some respite care, then I suggest you find or employ someone to care for your step-father in his current place of residence. Social workers at your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) should help you find services for your step-father. Engage him in an adult day care if you can. Not whether he wants to go but whether you can find an affordable one that will accept him. Start looking for an affordable AL/MC for respite care and then use it. Care giving is often not sustainable without some respite.
Make lists of dad's care requirements for the respite caregiver. It will not be the same as the care you provide, but stepdad will be fine.
I cared for my grandmother for a week so my mom could go on a vacation. Gram was well-cared for, even if I don't make oatmeal exactly like my mom does. We had fun and mom got a break. Of course, Gram complained to mom about me after I left, but I'm ok with it... and it gave them something new to talk about when I was gone. Btw, I'm an RN.
I don’t know his situation but it’s nit fair to you as it is. He may hate respite , if he has dementia he may not adjust but there comes a time when family can not provide adequate care. In the olden days people got sick and died. Now with treatment they can live on and on but not without a cost. Often the caregiver pays the cost with their own mental, emotional and physical health. It becomes a never ending cycle. I think of this with my mother, she has vascular dementia, a fib, is going blind, is mean as can be, rants screams, is full of anger and hate. She claims to hate her life which makes me wonder why are we even doing all this?
What is dad going to do when you drop dead from stress? You cannot meet all his needs. You are 1 person. Care places have teams of people. Do it as a try out, short term, if necessary, and you will see it is better than you think. He might even like it. Take a break and maybe you can think more clearly. Old people get worse over time and harder to care for by one person. Of course you love him but you will not be abandoning him by puttimg him in a place where he will be well cared for and safe. You will visit him and be your cheerful self.
I think you should try the respite. With the right person there, your stepdad would become familiar with her/him over time. I would stay in the home for the entire period for a few days, even if over two or three weeks. Have the person help with feeding and any other ADLs with you being there, having conversation, smiling, chatting. At some point you will be able to leave for a few minutes, then longer, as the trust and friendship builds up. That way, the respite worker can become completely familiar with him and his likes and dislikes, abilities, preferences. I've done that. You'll be surprised how much more rested you can feel after there has been Someone! else there to help with the load. You can read, do some laundry, or just rest, yet still be there for him until he is comfortable.
1. Make sure you will have the same worker if at all possible. 2. Have worker out a few times with you there to help prepare for working with your loved one. 3. Dont be gone too long at first. Ease into the time away. 4. Give your cell phone number to the worker.
It sound like your emotions, care and concern are interfering with the logical aspect of taking your much needed breaks. Listen to others! You need to do this or you will end up in a looney bin. Remember gone half hour a few times, then 45 to an hour. Its ok.
We as caregivers are important but are you making yourself too important? What is the worst thing that can occur if your dad goes to respite. Others have said you won’t know until you do it. I say do it, or you will end up ill and you’ve already compromised your health by smoking again according to your profile. He will survive without you. You have to trust the people in respite to care for him. Look at it this way...if you keeled over tomorrow he would have to get along without you. There is NO way you can hang onto your sanity without breaks. No one ever works a job 24/7 so why do you think you should. Respect your mind and body and let him go into respite. Please come back and let us know you did and how it helped. Listen to our voices of experience.
Respite may be necessary at this time in your life. I landed in the hospital twice, once awhile back and once not that long ago. It was a medical situation that would have occurred anyway but the stress made the situation worse.
Take it from me, once you go into a hospital they run a million tests, no matter how much you say that you need to get home, you are not discharged until they do what is needed for you to get well.
Then, you get specific instructions for when you get home and scheduled visits for future doctor appointments. So you may as well have back up caregivers in place now, rather than scrambling at the last minute to find them, only adding more stress to an already stressful situation.
Dad is going to be the same with or without you. I know you are important in his life. I used to feel like no one could take my place. When I returned I found out everything was pretty much the same as it had been before. Mom did do okay. I left detailed information for caregivers.
Sometimes it is more disturbing to us than to them. We have been on this merry go round for so long that we don’t know how to stop it to get off.
I’m not sure how others feel about this. It’s only my personal experience. Everyone has their own situation.
I completely understand what you are saying. Do you live together? Would it be less stressful for you if you had caregivers come into your house and he would be in his own surroundings instead of sending him to a facility for respite?
Do you have caregivers now? I was THE LAST person who wanted others to come in and care for my mother. I knew I should, but I just couldn't do it. After 2 years I realized I had to. After 3 years I actually found someone. It was the best thing I could do for myself and for my mother. Please don't wait until you have no choice and your health suffers so much that you can't move. Nothing good comes of emergency situations. There are so many options out there, caregiver agencies, care.com, etc, but if you are already stressed out just call a local caregiver agency and have them come out.
He may not be happy at first but he really won't be happy if you are no longer around. You matter too.
You take care of him,but you must take of yourself too. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask first. If people are urging you to take a break, you really need one. The place you bring him is experienced with dealing with such situations.
To be totally frank, it isn't always about what Dad can handle. Some of it is about what you NEED. Don't expect everything to be perfect and happy. The end of life cannot be made perfect and it is not made happy all the time no matter WHAT is done. So take care of yourself in a way that leaves you something to give to Dad. We were discussing on another thread the relationship of cortisol and stress to possible development of dementias, cancers, and so on. Anxiety and stress are so bad for long term survival. Don't expect happy. Don't ask for happy. There are somethings not worthy of happy. Surviving without you for a week or so will be but one of those. Your Dad lived a long time; I will be willing to bet he is familiar with unhappiness, and has survived more than one bout of it.
I think we all fall under that guilt the first time we send our loved one off for Respite...... I know my first go round wasn't relaxing for me I had so much that needed to be done while mom was out of the house, but when she came home to my surprise she actually liked it, I just insisted on her going to the Hospice House versus a nursing home and I'm glad I did, I had to wait an extra week but it was worth it for mom. Now when I take Respite I don't feel that guilt just relief.
If you are burnt out, you aren’t capable of looking after your dad really, which is why people are recommending respite care. You wouldn’t run a car without oil in it (I hope!) - yet technically that’s what you are doing to yourself.
The first step is always the hardest. But until he tries it you can’t judge whether your dad will like it. Even if he says he didn’t - they are pretty good at keeping them occupied thus giving you a much needed break.
Once you both get used to it you will find it gives you a new lease of life - either to just relax or get all those other jobs done that you never can whilst caring.
Some allow you to go with for a few visits to check it out and then he continues whilst you have a break.
You've tried hard but you now need to listen to the advise of respite before you damage your own health irrevocably - who would care for your dad then?
Be kind to yourself, it doesn’t have to cost anything - I find I can relax by the sea watching the waves or a sunset/ sunrise over the water.
hope your next news is how much your dad enjoyed it and that you are feeling less burnt out
Imagine when you go to pick Dad [88 per your profile] up, he would be like a kid at summer camp who wants to stay longer :) And that's a good sign, maybe if Dad can budget for Independent Living [you don't say what are his medical issues, if any] or for Assisted Living, he might prefer to remain at the facility.
My Dad had moved to Independent Living and said later on he wished he would have moved into that place years earlier.
Do not expect him to be happy. But know that you may be surprised that he did quite well. When a friend finally put his partner in AL and took a respite which wasn't really one as his Mom was ill in another country, he returned to a man who thought he had been on a vacation at a motel, and who had a wonderful time. So just saying, he won't like the idea, but you may be surprised by the outcome. Or not. Because that isn't really the question. The real question is how can you continue on without a break?
My mother goes to adult day care 3 days a week, my brother looks after her 0-6 hours a week as his work schedule allows, and I use some additional private pay hours to attend the grands' events (mostly ballgames). Mom spent 10 days with my aunt (her younger sister) this summer while I went on a vacation with the grandnephews. Mom has spent a couple of days at a time with my aunt over the last 3+ years when I needed to travel for work and one weekend when I just needed a break.
If there's no one available within the family to provide some respite care, then I suggest you find or employ someone to care for your step-father in his current place of residence. Social workers at your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) should help you find services for your step-father. Engage him in an adult day care if you can. Not whether he wants to go but whether you can find an affordable one that will accept him. Start looking for an affordable AL/MC for respite care and then use it. Care giving is often not sustainable without some respite.
Make lists of dad's care requirements for the respite caregiver. It will not be the same as the care you provide, but stepdad will be fine.
I cared for my grandmother for a week so my mom could go on a vacation. Gram was well-cared for, even if I don't make oatmeal exactly like my mom does. We had fun and mom got a break. Of course, Gram complained to mom about me after I left, but I'm ok with it... and it gave them something new to talk about when I was gone.
Btw, I'm an RN.
If you die of a stress-related illness, where will he live then? Will he have an advocate?
2. Have worker out a few times with you there to help prepare for working with your loved one.
3. Dont be gone too long at first. Ease into the time away.
4. Give your cell phone number to the worker.
It sound like your emotions, care and concern are interfering with the logical aspect of taking your much needed breaks. Listen to others! You need to do this or you will end up in a looney bin.
Remember gone half hour a few times, then 45 to an hour.
Its ok.
Take it from me, once you go into a hospital they run a million tests, no matter how much you say that you need to get home, you are not discharged until they do what is needed for you to get well.
Then, you get specific instructions for when you get home and scheduled visits for future doctor appointments. So you may as well have back up caregivers in place now, rather than scrambling at the last minute to find them, only adding more stress to an already stressful situation.
Dad is going to be the same with or without you. I know you are important in his life. I used to feel like no one could take my place. When I returned I found out everything was pretty much the same as it had been before. Mom did do okay. I left detailed information for caregivers.
Sometimes it is more disturbing to us than to them. We have been on this merry go round for so long that we don’t know how to stop it to get off.
I’m not sure how others feel about this. It’s only my personal experience. Everyone has their own situation.
Do you have caregivers now? I was THE LAST person who wanted others to come in and care for my mother. I knew I should, but I just couldn't do it. After 2 years I realized I had to. After 3 years I actually found someone. It was the best thing I could do for myself and for my mother. Please don't wait until you have no choice and your health suffers so much that you can't move. Nothing good comes of emergency situations. There are so many options out there, caregiver agencies, care.com, etc, but if you are already stressed out just call a local caregiver agency and have them come out.
He may not be happy at first but he really won't be happy if you are no longer around. You matter too.
Now when I take Respite I don't feel that guilt just relief.
The first step is always the hardest. But until he tries it you can’t judge whether your dad will like it. Even if he says he didn’t - they are pretty good at keeping them occupied thus giving you a much needed break.
Once you both get used to it you will find it gives you a new lease of life - either to just relax or get all those other jobs done that you never can whilst caring.
Some allow you to go with for a few visits to check it out and then he continues whilst you have a break.
You've tried hard but you now need to listen to the advise of respite before you damage your own health irrevocably - who would care for your dad then?
Be kind to yourself, it doesn’t have to cost anything - I find I can relax by the sea watching the waves or a sunset/ sunrise over the water.
hope your next news is how much your dad enjoyed it and that you are feeling less burnt out