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I am burnt out. Been doing this for over 3 yrs, but not sure my stepdad would do well in respite.

Are you saying he may not be happy? Are YOU happy all the time? Unhappiness is a part of life. You know that. You cannot keep it all happy all the time. For your own health you MUST have a break. The bow too tensely strung will easily break. You must take care of yourself if you even hope to continue in your care of Dad. What will happen if you die first? What then for him?
Do not expect him to be happy. But know that you may be surprised that he did quite well. When a friend finally put his partner in AL and took a respite which wasn't really one as his Mom was ill in another country, he returned to a man who thought he had been on a vacation at a motel, and who had a wonderful time. So just saying, he won't like the idea, but you may be surprised by the outcome. Or not. Because that isn't really the question. The real question is how can you continue on without a break?
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Akward, you don't know until you try. Who knows, your Dad may enjoy his "vacation" being around people closer to his own generation. As long as Dad understands this is just for a few days, and that he would coming home.

Imagine when you go to pick Dad [88 per your profile] up, he would be like a kid at summer camp who wants to stay longer :) And that's a good sign, maybe if Dad can budget for Independent Living [you don't say what are his medical issues, if any] or for Assisted Living, he might prefer to remain at the facility.

My Dad had moved to Independent Living and said later on he wished he would have moved into that place years earlier.
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Reply to freqflyer
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I was worried my mom wouldn't do well with respite because she gets anxious when I even leave the room, but she did really well. The caregivers dote on her, do her nails, fluff her pillows and she eats it up. Our LO need someone else to talk to once in a while. I'm sure your dad will do great.
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Reply to kbuser
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Your  stepdad is lucky to have you, but any trouble he has in respite is nothing compared to how he'll be if you die.  A large number of us die before the one who is being cared for.  You need the respite to survive.
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Reply to anonymous272157
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I understand how you feel. What would you do if you had to have surgery, sprain your ankle and couldn't walk? Your stepdad will be ok, and you will be ok. If you always put everyone 1st, you have taught them you suppose to be 2nd. Take care of you! Blessings!
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Reply to helpinghands1
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There are different types of respite care. Your step-father will very likely have problems if he's moved into a care facility and you're not available to at least visit - which is exactly what happens if you are suddenly hospitalized following an accident or illness (or end up being one of the 40% of care givers that dies prior to the person receiving care). I think it's very important to keep our LOs accustomed to someone else providing some care, even if they do not do as well with that other person. We need respite to be able to take care of ourselves and continue our care giving tasks and our LO needs to be able to accept care from others even as we remain their primary care giver.

My mother goes to adult day care 3 days a week, my brother looks after her 0-6 hours a week as his work schedule allows, and I use some additional private pay hours to attend the grands' events (mostly ballgames). Mom spent 10 days with my aunt (her younger sister) this summer while I went on a vacation with the grandnephews. Mom has spent a couple of days at a time with my aunt over the last 3+ years when I needed to travel for work and one weekend when I just needed a break.

If there's no one available within the family to provide some respite care, then I suggest you find or employ someone to care for your step-father in his current place of residence. Social workers at your local Area Agency on Aging (AAA) should help you find services for your step-father. Engage him in an adult day care if you can. Not whether he wants to go but whether you can find an affordable one that will accept him. Start looking for an affordable AL/MC for respite care and then use it. Care giving is often not sustainable without some respite.
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Reply to TNtechie
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You won't know until you place him. You are making assumptions, based on your fears, not his. Do what is best for him and you both, don't second guess your decisions in regard to him. Most adjust nicely...over a period of time, if the caretaker backs off, and allows it to happen. Take care of you!
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Reply to DollyMe
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To be totally frank, it isn't always about what Dad can handle. Some of it is about what you NEED. Don't expect everything to be perfect and happy. The end of life cannot be made perfect and it is not made happy all the time no matter WHAT is done. So take care of yourself in a way that leaves you something to give to Dad. We were discussing on another thread the relationship of cortisol and stress to possible development of dementias, cancers, and so on. Anxiety and stress are so bad for long term survival. Don't expect happy. Don't ask for happy. There are somethings not worthy of happy. Surviving without you for a week or so will be but one of those. Your Dad lived a long time; I will be willing to bet he is familiar with unhappiness, and has survived more than one bout of it.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Harpcat Aug 7, 2019
This is spot on! I wholeheartedly agree!
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I don’t know his situation but it’s nit fair to you as it is. He may hate respite , if he has dementia he may not adjust but there comes a time when family can not provide adequate care. In the olden days people got sick and died. Now with treatment they can live on and on but not without a cost. Often the caregiver pays the cost with their own mental, emotional and physical health. It becomes a never ending cycle. I think of this with my mother, she has vascular dementia, a fib, is going blind, is mean as can be, rants screams, is full of anger and hate. She claims to hate her life which makes me wonder why are we even doing all this?
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Reply to Jannner
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Why are his desires and needs more paramount than yours?

If you die of a stress-related illness, where will he live then? Will he have an advocate?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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