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Bottom line question is to you. If you move away can you live with the guilt. Parents calling you crying etc... Also your wife has she been expecting the dream when you both retired of moving, enjoying retirement & now is she thinking that won't happen. You need to think how are you going to feel and talk to your wife. No one can tell you what to do everyone is different. Depending where they live, you could set up to have groceries delivered, driver for appts etc.. but if they are not willing to accept help you have to let it go & if you move, just remember it will be what it will be. Deal with anything as it comes. I understand because we moved 12 hrs away in another state. Things happened to my mom falls, broken ankle, rehab, skilled nursing long term all I dealt with. I wasn't at my home for months. Still now I go back every 6-8 weeks. My In-laws
They don't want to do anything to make it easier for them in their home so that will be what it will be deal with it when or if anything happens. It's hard I feel for you it's not an easy journey. Just be honest with yourself.
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rovana Mar 2019
With parents like these, I suspect one would feel "guilty" no matter what they did or did not do.
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Under no uncertain terms should you cave to their wishes. I just witnessed my 80 & 85 yearold inlaws, care for grandma who is over 100 and still going. After 8 years of back breaking work, the inlaws finally got other family members (a huge group, so the burden is shared) to take grandma so they could FINALLY enjoy their time together. Unfortunately, my father in law was diagnosed with cancer a year ago and it has been a long, slow painful death. So, MIL and FIL NEVER had a chance to enjoy a little time together, without caring for children, parents, etc.

I would NEVER expect my children to have to care for me, especially if I were unwilling to discuss my finances, etc., with them. Your parents/brother can deal with the situation as things come up, and believe me, they will.

Do not let guilt mess with you and the plans you have with your wife. Guilt is a wasted emotion, much like worry.

God Bless and enjoy your "Golden Years".
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PLEASE listen! I am 65, female, single, lost my husband years ago to cancer. My 93 y.o. mother is living with me and all things considered is in really great health. She is NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) which gives the same symptoms you describe, but for the most part we get along. Luckily I am still working and in a job that is all-consuming that I do not have time or inclination for a personal life of my own. Which goes well with a mother who has made clear in no uncertain terms that she would not want anyone (A MAN) living with us.... now keep in mind she is in my home for the last almost 2 years, and as I said, we manage fairly well most of the time. She constantly defers to "going back to her home" ( 3 hours away) to live but has no support system and that just cannot happen.

Just last week, she refused to go out for dinner, I'd had a rough day, and absolutely did not feel like going home right after work and went to my favorite local restaurant downtown and since I was alone sat at the bar to have a drink and eat. Imagine my surprise when there was a really nice gentleman sat next to me, and we had a wonderful conversation. I kinda hope in the future he may be there and I go again and we talk... again. Kinda gives me a hope there IS a future for me... all in all, I am young.

SO, my advice to you...... you ask :). DO ABSOLUTELY NOT let your parents guilt you into caring for them in their later years. You are married and have the potential of a wonderful golden years retirement ahead...... that's what my husband and I had planned in our 40's but he died. IF I HAD THE CHANCE AGAIN, I would go with him somewhere new to live and retire in a minute. I love my mother, but she has lived 93 and dr. informs me she easily could have another 15 years! I am NOT going to give up my life. I hope close down the road for my job to have an easier breathing room and make a personal life for myself. You and your wife already have that and are both together and alive! Celebrate that and have a wonderful life! You can always fly back to visit, but don't give up your life. Your parents can receive good care on their own and when needed go to ALF or NH.

Luckily, I have a strong personality and there was NO WAY I was going back to my mom's hometown to live, there was nothing there I wanted.
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My husband and I put off what we wanted to do in order to look after my father He was 79. In the end we just did what we wanted. Dad was placed in a retirement village near all services. Organised low cost transportation for his doctor appointments and the government gave him a cleaner for one hour once a week. I was contacted by phone. He then had to go into permanent care and we moved to another state. Can’t deny it was probably one of the worst times of my life. Selling his unit, getting rid of his stuff, dealing with lawyers while dealing with sick husband. Nightmare. However it has to be done. Being in full time care was a great relief to me. So you should just go and do what you want. You are not getting any younger and, like me, You never know what’s around the corner
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Live your life! I made the mistake of quitting a job i loved and moving across country when my father kept saying he needed me. One thing after the next health issues with him, then 8 years of progressive Alzheimer's with mom. 15 years of my life gone, finances gone! They both recently died but because my sister had my parents will, etc and wouldn't give them to my dad he couldn't remember he had POA because they'd been done so many years before therefore when my dad tried to quit claim the house to me he couldn't. Only could do will with survivor clause. Of course I had to file for early social security and am at poverty level for so much lost income, have health issues due to constant stress of caring for my parents, and now my sister magically found the documents she "thought" she had a copy of and in less than 3 months has already filed original quit claim and wants to know how much money she's going to get while I want a chance to heal and figure out how to survive! Never ever give up your life for your parents unless they legally put everything in place before hand and make sure they have $ to care for themselves and all their wishes in writing.....especially if you have any siblings. I not only destroyed my life caring for my parents but my future as well! Don't do it!
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Resentfully Mar 2019
I am so sorry. You made a loving choice at the time. I retired a few years early and that impacted my SS & pension. I'm fortunate mom has money to pay for her nursing home, but the stress😬. I'm only going on year 5. You've already paid a high price for your years dedicated to caring for your parents; please don't beat yourself up! I truly pray your future is bright red and will bring you joy.
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John,
It sounds like a no win situation no matter what you do so why not do what YOU want?
I suggest you start putting in place all that they will need to live apart from you. Set up a video chat system for them, gather up the documents you need them to sign so you can be informed of their health conditions, get power of attorney forms so you can assist with financial problems if they need it, and find some type of liaison to check on them.
When you present the forms to them to sign they will have to address their future needs or you won’t be able to be much help. This would be true even if you lived next door.
If they still refuse to discuss things candidly, well, you gave them their opportunity, didn’t you?
There probably Is not much time left to have lucid discussions. Sorry, but it’s true. How can you be much help if they are not open with you?
You need to RUN away before they have a chance to snare you in their trap.
Charlotte
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Dear Johnc1,
I have not read any of the other responses. I just logged on to give you the advise that I have gotten from many, including professionals, this week. DON'T DO IT!.
You have worked hard your entire life and deserve to have a happy, healthy retirement. If you take on your secretive, self-centered parents your life will become a living hell.
I retired 4 years years ago and have been the sole caregiver for my mom. She lives independently but is requiring more assistance. At 89 years old she fell a couple of weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. After 7 days in rehab her insurance company decided that this 89 year old woman was improved enough to move back home on her own, with assistance. The assistance will consist of a visiting nurse and pt/ot. She's been home since Tuesday and the agency finally sent a nurse to do an eval today. PT will evaluate next week. In the meantime she has lost the strength she gained in rehab. We are having to go there 5 times a day to make sure she is up, eating, washed, dressed and taking her meds. All of which she fights tooth and nail despite the promises she made before coming home.
The reason I tell you this long story is because this is what you will face, times two. Your life will no longer be your own. Your marriage will become strained. My mom is a master manipulator and selfish as they come. The difference is that I do know her health issues, needs, long term plan and financials.
You're going into this blind.
Love your parents, get them care. But do not take this on yourself. Please enjoy your retirement. Be healthy, relaxed and guiltfree.
Good luck!
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Dear Johnc1,
I am now 59 and was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ 3 yrs ago. My mother was the victim of medical malpractice and died six weeks before her 51st birthday. I flew to the city she and my stepfather lived in and had 7 minutes talking with her and all she was talking about was all of the things she and my stepfather were going to do when they retired. There was an 11 yr age difference between the two of them and they were planning on retiring 1 yr after she died.

My stepfather waited 2 yrs from the time she died and sent a letter to all 9 of us kids and said we had 18mos, to come home and collect boxes of memorabilia he had sorted out for each of us and take anything else we wanted from their home for ourselves, after 18mos, he was selling their house and moving away. Yes, we'd be welcome to visit him in the town he was moving to along with our families, but he was going to get on with life and he did. He went on to live another 35yrs when he died of ALZ disease.

Lesson to be learned. Do not allow your parents to hold you hostage and keep you from retiring and doing what you and your DW want to do. I have imparted this wisdom on our adult children so they don't think they need to stay in the Metropolitan Area that we live in. They've been told to finish their education and pursue their dreams, get married, and concentrate on their own families. The fly in our ointment is we have a 12yr old Special Needs child, that we have to take in to consideration. Still we remain focused on enjoying the time we have to share with each other, in particular traveling with what time I have left to do that.

I have told my DW who is 8yrs younger than me, when it is time for me to go to AL/MC put me in a home 100mi from where we live and get on with life. I don't want her or any of our children, to be focusing on me, when I don't remember them, or will not remember them visiting me. I don't want them being consumed feeling that I have to remain the center of their life. We've had a great 25 yrs combing our 2yrs dating with almost 23yrs of being married.

The time has come for you and your DW to realize some very special dreams of your own, you've worked hard to get there. Enjoy it while you can. Never put off to tomorrow, what you can do today.

Happy Friday, I too am John
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Barsenault60 Mar 2019
John - such beautiful, selfless advise!
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It is unrealistic to expect two people in their 90s to get in a car or on a plane in order to visit you. Expect that you will be the one to visit them, and factor visits - both transportation and staying at a local hotel/motel - into your budget. And yes, I recommend sleeping elsewhere than in their home.

In my opinion, no one should assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Authority means durable power of attorney both financial and medical in the event one or both of your parents become incapacitated. It also includes living wills and a will.

Your parents refuse to discuss their lives with you. My best friend (BFF) of over 40 years is going through this right now with her parents who gave their attorney POA because they're angry she retired to a sunbelt state. They completely ignore the fact that she bought a two-family home and invited them to come there to live! Aside from their groceries and in-home help, which they already pay for, my BFF was going to cover their other expenses that currently cost a small fortune because their house is old. Her folks *chose* to decline her offer and now it's too late to undo their decision because my BFF went on with her life and rented out the other side to a lovely young family that cherishes having her as a landlord.

Perhaps the best thing you can do for your parents is to get them a consult with an elder attorney as a gift for Mother's and Father's Day.

Also, your brother is not your concern. If he chooses to involve himself or not is up to him. You have to live with yourself and your wife.
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Follow your dreams. If you buckle under to their demands, you will become resentful and that is not the way to be a caregiver.

We all only get one chance at life - go ahead and live your life the way you want. If you do give in now, you will never have your own life again.
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Don’t give up your retirement dreams. You planned for your retirement and they should have planned for theirs independently.
I took my mother in when we retired thinking she would go to senior daycare where they also provide respite care. She has dug her heels in and only will sit in the house watching game shows.
Her only plan for the future was one of her kids would provide for her. I carry a lot of resentment because of it. If you stay you and your wife will be resentful. You will have a better relationship with your parents if you follow through with your dreams. My only guilt is I feel bad for my husband.
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Maryjann Mar 2019
It's not too late. Ask your husband what HE wants to do with this situation. I would think he would be honored to be asked and perhaps, if the two of you stand together, maybe your mother's heels can be "dug out." Just thinking. You would not want to have regrets if you were to unexpectedly lose him, as happened to a friend of mine.
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John, would you feel despondent if your parents had said, "great, have a wonderful time, don't forget to write, we love and will miss you!"?

If you answered no, then you need to stop listening to the manipulation. It is unfair that they want you to give up your dreams because they aren't willing to do anything differently. That's what this boils down to, they will have to assume responsibility for themselves because you aren't there to prop them up.

I personally believe if you need propping up, you need professional care. Whether they like it or not is not your concern. Parents that say they refuse to give up their independence and rely on their children to do everything but breathe and crap for them are deceived. They have no independence, they have a personal slave that props up the lie.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I get angry when parents live their lives on their terms and refuse to love and respect their offspring enough to not tie themselves around there necks and drown them if necessary to keep their lives the way they want them. It is selfish and should not be tolerated. You are a grown man with your own life and your mom obviously could care less about you and your family.
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BlackHole Mar 2019
Spot on.
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No...find an assisted Independent living for them don't give up your life...and don't let them play the guilty I raised cards...you have the right to lead your life as you please...this dosen't mean you can't check on them. They probably be happier once they're there with others their age anyway..
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John, We were in a similar situation 4 years ago. My husband's mother had recently passed away leaving our 88 year old father alone in his home, but with a granddaughter and her family ( husband and grown sons) in their own home across the street. My husband's sister lives 30 minutes from him. We lived an hour away but visited and did significant home repairs and chores 2 days/month.

We told the family we were moving to our dream location - a 2 acre farm-ette with a large modern home in the mountains. My mother, age 80, came with us and has her own private suite. We asked Dad to come with us (he would also have his own private suite) when we put our house up for sale and reminded everyone again when an offer was made and accepted. We now live 7 hours away.

That was 4 years ago. Pop (now 92), still insisting on living alone, has had 3 major hospitalizations as he is an advanced, uncontrolled diabetic. His daughter and granddaughter see him several days/week, do chores, take him to Doc's appts, and shop for him. My husband visits quarterly for 5 days (approx 20 days/year) to do home repairs and give his sister a break with Doc's appts and shopping.

We have no regrets. If Pop wants to come live with us, he is welcome.

Live the life you want. If your parents wish to share it, welcome them.
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You are fortunate that your parents have the mental capacity to manage on their own at their ages. That could change at any time. Once you move, will it be feasible to visit them for a few days every couple months to make sure they are still managing okay? Perhaps your brother can check on them in between your visits. Some key areas to check are whether medications are being taken and refilled, are the getting balanced meals, is old food being left in refrigerator, are bills getting paid, drastic changes in cleanliness of the house, etc. Good luck with your retirement.
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My mother (92, dementia and assorted health problems, narcissistic tendencies) sounds much like yours. Are you their POA?
I’d give them the option of relocating to the area and an independent living facility ( where they can transition to more care as needed) where you want to live.
It’s an easy thing to say go ahead but logically, they are not going to be on their own much longer. That means you are dumping their entire care on your sibling. Currently my sister and I take care of my mother finances and medical and it’s a lot to do, even with her in assisted living. IE they will take her to the dr but someone has to meet her there. It’s harder since my sister lives an hr away from her. Previously, I carted my mother and stepfather(ALZ) to all appointments etc by myself and it was a lot to do. Traveling to do it is really even more difficult.
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Myownlife Mar 2019
You are trying to guilt them as well. NO, they are not dumping care onto someone else. That someone else can also say NO and insist they go to ALF or NH. The think is you don't have to..... you can make other arrangements. You have chosen to do what you do. Just like I have chosen to do what I do.... for now. And in the future, if/when I can no longer do, then I will find someplace for Mom to be and that will be that. DON'T ever guilt or be guilted into something. I am the daughter of someone who has tried to do that (make you feel guilty) her whole life.... once I wisened up, I learned that I, too, can say NO. And so can YOU.
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John,
The correct responses here all say to go ahead with your dreams. Do it man.
Set a date and let everyone know.
The care of my in-laws and parents fell on my wife and I five years ago.
I moved my in-laws to a local AL. Not sure I would recommend that as worthwhile. It will put stress on you when they are bored or lonely.
Although we were able to eventually put three of them in AL, my mother resisted until recently. She is by far the worst; demanding, self centered, and just plain cruel. She usually puts on a good act with outsiders and friends. When she shows her true colors the friends disappear forever. She always had these personality issues. I try to help her with her affairs, but I am not sure I would say it is out of love. More out of duty because that is the type of person I am. I do feel a little like a doormat for having done it.
I am 63. Five years ago I was healthy, going to the gym daily, rarely taking meds. Now I take meds for health issues that were no doubt caused by the stress in my life (my cardiologist agrees). These issues started when I was 62 and I had to retire. The fun I was looking forward to is gone forever.
Do it now John. You owe no one your life or health.
Find your parents a place where they will be safe and cared for. While the feeling of responsibility is noble, their happiness is not your problem. Your happiness, and that of your wife, is your responsibility. You are not selfish. Get some happiness now while you can.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Very well put enderby.

I am sorry that you have had to go through what you have because 4 people decided they were more important than their children.

Hopefully when the stress is reduced some of your physical conditions will improve.
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From the outside, looking in, this isn't complicated at all (not to diminish your dilemma):

Move forward with your plans and be very transparent about them. Be VERY clear that not moving isn't an option. YOU ARE MOVING.

If (when)your parents protest, ask why they are anxious about you moving away. If it's because they need your help, offer to help them find a less stressful and taxing living arrangement (aka a senior community or in-home helpers). If you're OK with it, offer to find them a community near your new home so that you can be closer and help them more often.

When mom says you're selfish, remind her that she's selfish to expect you to change your plans, yet she won't change hers (if you have to, remind her that her plan is just to have you do everything she demands while doing nothing to compromise). Ask her what they will do to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy. She likely won't be able to incorporate that into her thinking, but it will help you to say it (repeatedly). At least, it helps me : )

They have the luxury of choice. Many, many seniors can't choose home help nor senior living.

Don't deviate from your plans and your response to mom and dad. There's only one answer – "we're leaving and we'll help you find a solution to your living arrangements."
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My Parents are 92/90 and living in a Long Term Care Center in Utah. They lived with my younger brother for over about 2 years or less and it put a terrible strain on all involved. They couldn’t go anywhere and leave Mom & Dad alone as my Mom has Alzheimer’s and she would get up and wander. So after my Dad was hospitalized for an infection he told me he didn’t want Mom out at the house anymore, he wanted her there at the Hospital with him. So he set it up for Mom to be at the Long Term Care Center, then after he was out of the hospital he got his stuff together and made a bookshelf for the Care Center and filled it with books then he packed his bag and checked himself into the LTCC to be with Mom. They are very happy there, Mom gets all the care she needs and so does Dad. If a problem arises the hospital is right there and he is wheeled around the corner into the hospital. Last December he had 3 heartattacks so it was a good thing he was there at the Center. They are kept busy with activities every afternoon and they have a workout room for Dad to use and he takes care of all the gardening and fixes little things that the nurses need help with. They keep him busy and he likes it. So check out a Long Term Care for them or a Senior living center. Then you won’t worry about them. My brother said it was a lot of stress on them careing for our parents, we would take turns going out there to care for them to give my brother & his wife a break. I say carry on with your plans and move!
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I wonder if your parents could move to the same area where you'd like to move. In that way, you could pursue your interests in a new area, but still be able to provide help when they need it, and/or, like some other people have mentioned, hire an aide when needed. I was in a  different boat with my mom with Alzheimer's. I didn't give up retirement, I gave up a job. Well, to clarify, I taught part-time, and my boss asked me if I could work more hours, but I couldn't. My husband and I worked around our work schedules, so someone was always home with her, but that wouldn't have been possible if I had worked more hours. Of course, everyone's situation is different; we all just have to make the decisions that work best in our specific situations. When my parents were in another state, if 1 of them got sick, I went there to help.  That could be an inconvenience, and having my mom here  certainly had its challenges. No situation was perfect. We all just do the best we can.
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You sound like a thoughtful and concerned son and I encourage you to follow your life plan / retirement dream with your wife. It actually sounds like your parents raised you to be self-sufficient and it sounds like that is what they are trying to do / remain as well. I agree 100% with Girlsaylor - gather helpful info on FAQ's they might need to know and about senior living options in both your parents local area and your new home area, share that info with parents and brother, let them know you can still be available even long distance to discuss and help make decisions and plans, IF THEY WISH. Then stay in touch by phone, email, social media on a reasonable schedule that fits your retirement life...."I think about you often and I care about you. Let me know if there's anything I can do from here to be of help." Then also think ahead with your wife about what you will do, can do, want to do and your limits when an emergency happens or simply when your parents need more help. It's good if you and your wife are in agreement about what makes sense, and the time to think that through is before you're in the middle of the emotion of a crisis. You always have the option to change your level of involvement in the future IF YOU WISH.
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DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR PLANS. I discovered that I had become my parents’ old age safety net despite my father was a lawyer and had no.longterm.plans for either of them. I have given up 19 years of my life and lived with constant stress, expense of traveling across the globe to assist them and a failed relationship because of it all. I ended up moving back home (at my expense) and two months after I got back, my father fell and broke his hip but fortunately was able to walk again. Thankfully they were able to afford in-house help (with my careful management of it) but the money is almost gone. My mother has been deceased 7 years and my father is now on hospice. Don’t get me wrong...I love my parents but I yearn to be able to LIVE my life worrying just about me and my boyfriend.

My suggestion to you would be to sit down with your wife and decide just exactly what you are willing to do for YOUR parents and communicate it to them and ask them how they plan to organize those things that you don’t agree to do. AND LIVE BY THAT.

They have had their lives and lived them as they wanted. We deserve the same.
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Before relocating, go ahead & have some of the adventures you dreamed of & saved for. Moving is time consuming & stressful. Enjoy some retirement downtime first.

Spend some length of time in different areas you consider amenable to your retirement lifestyle before moving.

Your parents are relatively stable right now. Go & do some of those things you want now, while your parents are the best they can be. You can adjust your travels & your relocation as their health warrants.

Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Taking vacations & relocating in retirement are not wrong.

Your parents have some anxiety & worry about your plans. That is normal. Assure them they are not being abandoned & you can work things out as needs arise.

Enjoy your retirement & adventures!
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jacobsonbob Mar 2019
As I just replied to lynina2, it appears they already know where they want to go to live--they are past the "testing" stage.
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If you understand anything, understand this.....they are in their 90’s. Things only go down from here. My mother was good at 90, but now at almost 93, she is on a decline. She is stubborn, doesn’t want to listen to doctors, and thinks she is fine in her own home yet. She is not fine and I am the one who has to make sure she is still fine in her own home and it is a job. I am retired, but I’m not......So my suggestion to you is to treat them as they want to be treated with no interference from their family. Live your life and do what you always wanted to do. I know it will be hard, but trying to help them, when they don’t want the help will be harder. I have never been so frustrated in my whole life in taking care of someone who doesn’t want to listen to doctors or anyone. What am I here for? I am cutting off my whole life to make sure she is good and she doesn’t want to help me to help herself. And she doesn’t have dementia.

If if I had to do all over again, and I would have suggested she go into a nice AL situation after my dad died 7 hrs ago. She would have friends and would have a life with people in similar situations as she. If she didn’t want to go, then I would have said “Okay - But I’m not going to be accessible 24/7 365 days a year”. I guarantee she would have made a different decision than what she is doing now. If your parents are capable of making decisions, then go forth and enjoy your retirement or you will be upset that you let yourself get into a frustrating situation.
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My siblings and I have stayed put all these years and I can't really say we had my parents' health and welfare in mind - it was just the way things worked out. We never had a desire to live in another state. I won't be eligible to retire for 10 years, if then, and I have an autistic (high functioning) son to keep tabs on. If I did want to move out of state, I know my mother would pitch a fit - mostly because I'm the one who visits most often and helps keep her finances in order. However, I don't think it would stop me from going if I had dreams of doing so. It shouldn't stop you and your wife either. You can always visit, have your parents out to stay with you, use apps like Skype to have daily contact if you want to. They may decide to seek an assisted living situation near you if you and your brother will be in the same state.

I have a daughter who is a junior in college and she speaks often about moving clear across the country to the west coast. Naturally, I hate the idea that she might settle there, but if that's her dream, I wouldn't think of discouraging her. I hope I feel the same way when I'm elderly.
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This a values clarification exercise that you and your wife alone must do. If moving far away creates a dilemma when the inevitable crisis occurs, it could be more upsetting than just staying nearby. On the other hand, just because your parents are superagers doesn't mean you will be. To delay your dreams could be to delay them for good. Their care could require another 5 to 10 years. I hear your frustration but I also sense your love and responsibility. It sounds like you are financially comfortable. Follow your dreams, but consider a "lifeboat." In other words, think about how you could temporarily stay near them if they require your help. Have a couple contingencies in place. Or gradually make your move. For example, over the next few years, test out different locations you might enjoy retiring to and spend two to three months there. That allows you to test the waters (with location and helping your parents long-distance). Before making drastic changes.
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jacobsonbob Mar 2019
It appears they already know where they want to go to live--they are past the "testing" stage.
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Can you compromise and arrange or help them hire help? i.e. private duty sittiers, lpns, etc, depending on the level of help they need. This is a tough dilemma. I wish you the best and hope you can work out a compromise
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lkdrymom Mar 2019
The problem with private duty care is you may have to go through ten of them before you find a reliable one. If the OP had to rehires every few weeks that will be a lot more extra work. Watched my coworker get calls every time one was late or did not show up to watch her mother. If you can get them in AL that would be the best
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I’m with Andy. Gather the information needed for maybe three choices. It’s easier to visit AL and NH facilities in the area, while you still live in the vicinity. Enlist their trusted contact for a visit with the parents, explaining the options. Let your parents know you are doing this legwork on their behalf, out of love and respect. Too often a fall and broken hip, a medical crisis, a progressive disease, leave the offspring scrambling. If you are in contact with your brother, I would include him in the plans you’ve arranged to be presented to them. If your relationships are not the best, I don’t know that you want him present when the plans are presented to the parents. That way you won’t be presenting your parents a dis-United front. Explain to your brother your life plans for your retirement years include some pre-planning for your parents, and tell him you are sure he shares the same desires for your parents. That will hopefully help reduce strain between you and your brother when the crises happen. And they will. Once you’ve got a plan presentation, get back to the business of packing, selling, moving. If your brother doesn’t want to assist with any details now, you can move forward with confidence you’ve honored your parents. Visit as you can, knowing you’ve done what is right. And go enjoy your retirement!
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We are 80, have 4 kids & they are almost as old as you are & I would never want them to give up their retirement life for us—we had a great time all our lives & did what we wanted & now have wonderful memories to reflect back on. You are not selfish wanting some time together & I would just let them know—this is what we are doing—set them up with Skype & be on your way! You can tell them we will try to call you often on Skype but not every day. They have money so they could go into assisted living & enjoy themselves together & with other people. We have friends & the wife has dementia but he’s ok so she’s in the nursing home part & he’s in the assisted living & they get to see each other every day. Another couple are in assisted living together & really enjoy all the people & activities the AL provides. Also, get them both the pendant or bracelet that they can press to send help should they fall down. While you’re away if you can’t contact them call their local police & ask for a ‘well being’ check. They will be fine, just go & enjoy because going from 60 to 80 comes quick & before you know it you’ll be old & grey & w/o any great memories! Good luck
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I feel your pain ! I am an only child and my mother says she lives only for me , I moved her from Europe to America but did not put her in the same state as me , I knew she would suck me dry of all I have to give . She doesn’t like my husband and the grandkids she thinks are fine but rather I not bring them to visit her as she just wants me , i have chosen to make sure to live MY life with my family, she is 94 i put her in an independent living place plus hired and aide four hours a day , I call her everyday and I go visit on an average once a month . I feel we need to live our on lives as I am only 60 but who the heck knows how long I have to live and I want to enjoy living it up with my husband . You can totally be a great caregiver still from out of state ! Go live your life , your wife desearves that also . Your parents might live another ten years , and meanwhile something could happen to one of you , life is short , your parents needs will be figured out as things come up ! There are a lot of resources in this country that you can put in place within a day or two no matter how far sway you are !
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Myownlife Mar 2019
Oh I get the sucking life out of you part, and living only for you, her daughter .... omg....how selfish.... my mom, too.
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