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I am a 73-year-old woman needing some advice on curing my loneliness. I lost my good friends and have friends but not the same as before. My husband farms and goes to the farm every day and comes home at 6:30 - I try to keep busy but am still terribly lonely. I go do lunch on Fri with friends, joined a Lutheran knitting prayer shawl group, make rosaries and work out M-F but live in a very small town of 4,000 people in Kansas that is slowly dying. Most places I go have very few people and this solitude is getting me down. My husband does not understand. I have 2 children - daughter who lives 2-1/2 hours from here and son whom I help babysit his 8 year-old son from time to time. I have had 4 bladder infections in 5 months but urologist did CT scan and everything is normal but am going to see him tomorrow to see what can be done. I want to go see my daughter but am worried I will have another bladder infection and have to go to a strange dr who wont know my history and it is a lot of trouble to do that so staying near my home. But am just so frustrated the last few days and lonely and feeling sorry for myself - dont know how to have fun or to make my life more enjoyable. Husband enjoys going to farm but I do not like farm - I could go there but would sit in office by myself. Anyway, can anyone suggest something to lift my spirits please? Thanks for your time in listening. I am originally from CA - just have one sibling out there whom I am not very close with - do not want to fly as now I don't want to get on airplane - causes me too much anxiety. Anyway, what does a person like me do in a small town to keep myself happy and satisfied? Lot of people here just are happy doing very little - but not yet for me and dont know what needs to be done to help my out of this depressed cycle. Not familiar with this board so not sure if this is the right forum or not for me but will wait and see if I get an answer. Thank you.

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I know you mentioned you didnt like the farm but do you like getting out in nature? Gardening? Walking the dogs? Going for a drive? (With dogs ;)) i guess if you dont have dog would be good time to get one! Writing to us and other sites, blogging. Painting, crafting, organizing. Joining groups that have telephone conference calls. Journaling important events in your life, scrapbooking. Even simple games like silly ones online. Anything you can do to help others? Start now making stockings to give away at christmas. Call mission or foodbank to see if they need help. Loneliness, they say is one cause of physical illness so we have to try and combat it. I suggest to try anything you can. It is never too late to start something new...even college classes nowadays have courses that are amazing and not difficult. Please stay in touch. You are not alone.
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Hi, i'm sorry to hear about your situation,i fully understand how you feel as i'm in the same situation,its not easy, you need to keep occupied if that's possible, its a shame you are so far away but i have lots of friend which i keep in touch with via email,i'm happy to chat if you ever get too lonely....
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Sorry to hear you are lonely. I'd like to challenge you; if you are suffering from anxiety around your health and your life but self-limit and say that you will not fly because of anxiety, I think you absolutely need to fly!! Get out of dodge for a while; pack some UTI meds and cranberry juice and get on a plane!! Go to Spain and have a mini affair with a Matador! By the time your husband pulls himself out of the potato patch, he wont even notice you've gone! Also, by giving yourself the freedom of travel and the inspiration it provides, you will most likely also inspire your family! You sound like a typical older woman who has spent a lifetime taking care of others. So, forget them for a minute and do YOU!! Remember your dreams!! See them, do them. NOW!
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I had the same thought as Lizzywho61. Go visit that friend!

Also, when my mother entered her 70s, she began doing volunteer work. There are many organizations who need volunteers. It's a wonderful way to feel like your life is still fulfilling and meaningful. In my mother's case, after about a year teaching English as a Second Language to immigrants, they offered her a paid job doing it. She did that right up until she got sick. She LOVED it, and she made all kinds of new friends who were there for her during her illness.
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kssfgirl: Okay, this is not mission impossible, but right now it seems like it to you. You are suffering from depression and need to see a psychiatrist asap who will dose you with meds, which should get you back to wellness. (((Big Hugs)))
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Another thought--I run a small family business, and it keeps me busy and in touch with people. Is there anyone in your small town who has a small retail business that could use help a couple of hours a day or so to get a break, or just to have someone to take phone calls as needed, or cashier? I've gotten to know a lot of really nice people through my store, both customers and staff. I've almost always had one part time person, sometimes a student, a mom with kids in school during the day, some retired folks.
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I'm sorry to hear how you feel. I know its tough. I think we could be 7 years old or 73 years old but sometime it is hard to know how to fill our days. I struggle with this too since my father passed away. I know everyone is different. For myself, I continue to go to work every day. I have tried painting classes, cooking classes, and going to the movies on my own.

I know you mentioned you live in a small town. But maybe even going for daily walks will help clear the mind. If you have access to a computer, watching movies, listening to music, learning a new hobby, reading, meditating, or yoga. I know its easier said than done. I have to force myself to try new things. I am still grieving my dad, and normally after I get into the car and come home, I still cry. It takes time to find a new normal or even a new hobby that excites us.

Take care of yourself. I hope you find something that brings you more joy.
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Wow, you have a very busy life. Maybe you are lonely for having your husband around with you during the day. I say go for a day or two periodically. I just lost my mom a month ago. My dad 38 yrs ago and my brother 46 yrs ago. I am 65 no kids, husband. My siblings and their families live hundreds of miles away. Even my closets friend live far away. I have no talent. I work part-time but I am HAPPY. When you are not in a happy state of mind it is easy to make it worse. You make rosaries so I would think God is part of your life. Pray He does answer, you may not recognize His answer right away or you think it should be something else. Pray to be happy. I even thank God for allowing me not to be drug addict or a criminal. Today's world that is a blessing. I'm not even what I consider is a holy/religious person but I know God is there when I need Him. Do you listen to music? I find that is a good way to brighten your day, sing along. You can do it!!!! You said you had a UTI and that can definitely affect your state of mind. Drink cranberry juice that is a well know preventative measure.
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Is there anywhere you could volunteer?
You should try to get some relief for UTI. Your dr can prescribe a prophylactic antibiotic or a vaginal estrogen cream can help with UTIs. They could also give you an extra script to take when you travel just in case. Then you could travel and visit family or friends.
It seems like you are spending time on household things and doing for others. Which many of us tend to do. You need to find a way to do something for yourself.
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Go back to school. That's what I did. I just got my PhD at 63. It will keep your thinking clear, challenge you, and you'll meet new friends. Also, learn to enjoy your alone time; read a good book, paint a room, volunteer somewhere. There's lots to do. If u r handicapped, take online courses. Life is too fun to be bored. Go for a walk.
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Lots of good ideas here--
Do you have old family pictures or letters that you could compile into an album, or write down all the old family stories that you can remember?
I have heard of hospitals asking for volunteers to hold babies; and not just babies while they are in the hospital. I spent July 4 with my daughter-in-law (my son had to work) and they have just moved into a new house. She said the best help I could be was to hold their 3-month old baby so she could get unpacking done without having to worry about him. (Both my son and grandson are late babies, so it's fun having a new grandson as well as grown-up ones.) If you like babies, you might ask the hospital if there are new moms at home alone with babies that could use a break during the day.
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Have you tried volunteering? I volunteer for a VNA Hospice. The people in the volunteer group are very nice & friendly. We have monthly meetings and some meet outside the group too. Also the volunteer work itself is very satisfying. We provide respite visits to help caregivers of the terminally ill. Caregivers get a much needed break and time to keep appts and do shopping etc. It is very satisfying to help out. The hospice clients themselves are often good company. We read to them or converse as client desires. Surely there is a church or community group in your area for whom you could do some volunteering.
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I, too, can sympathize here! We almost have to rediscover or reinvent ourselves at this age, so good for you for recognizing that this is an issue. One point I don't see in earlier responses is that UTIs can affect one's mental state. I've seen this brought up on this forum regarding care for elders who are prone to UTIs, so this may be part of your situation as well. I doubt a doc will prescribe antibiotics "just in case," but it your doc knows it's a chronic problem for you, s/he MIGHT be willing to call it in without a test when you're out of the area. They are rightfully cautious about having people take antibiotics if they're not sure of the problem because they don't want you to become resistant to these meds. One other point: you may benefit from an antidepressant, either short-term or long-term. Our chemistry changes as we age, and you may not be producing enough of a certain hormone anymore. Your own doc should be able to prescribe something for you to try... even a low dose could make a difference. There are some excellent options out there, and if one kind of med doesn't work, another might. I don't take hardly any meds, but that's one thing that has helped me (in my late 60's), and I encourage you to not be too proud to say you can use a little help here. Best of luck to you!
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I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, it sounds very difficult. Praying for you.

I hope you were able to get some help with your bladder problem. My brother helped Mom with that using cranberry juice, he liked to mix it with water and lemon juice because it's a healthy mixture. Here are some more things I found online. Some of course you may be doing already, but a few may be new:
1. Avoid bubble bath, soaps, and powders that have perfumes in them. The same goes for using deodorants or sprays on your vagina.
2. . Go to the bathroom when you feel the urge. And try to empty your bladder completely.
3. Drink plenty of liquids. Cranberry juice may be helpful in preventing a bladder infection, some studies show. It may keep bacteria from attaching to the bladder and creating an infection. Although the UTI benefits of drinking enough fluids aren’t certain, it probably wouldn’t hurt to try.
4. Wear cotton underwear and loose, nonbinding clothing that does not trap heat and moisture
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Have you considered volunteer wor in your community? At the hospital, library, delivering meals on wheels , at the local school or your church. Helps in contacting and making new friends. How about part time work for your self? Just getting out makes all of us feel better. We have a volunteer friendly visitor program in my home town of about 3000, matches people up with folks who are not able to get out alone. Helps the volunteer and the person they visit make
New friends!
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Good topic, great responses! I too think it fits right on this forum. On the doctor/UTI, if s/he doesn't do what you need then get a second dr nearby for smaller issues; these people work for us. I'd consider getting some hired help a/o barter like 'friendly' does - my chores get me down sometimes because it's always me... no one else even knows I do them, there's something lonely about that. It sounds like you're doing too much, you're chained to the house somewhat. Great job in lunches at the senior center!!
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Listen to a Dr Myles Munroe sermon on Youtube on rediscovering the Kingdom of God!
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I'm a professional musician/pianist, and I just started giving piano lessons to the elderly. It's been a game changer for many of them, because music studies is such a personal endeavor. But you have to find the right teacher who can open your mind (on any instrument). A teacher who knows lots of genres of music and who can teach you music theory, which is the lifeblood of what makes music so mentally stimulating. Even if studying music doesn't appeal to you, or you can't find a good match with a teacher, you should think about studying something new. Take a creative writing class or see if a local college offers adult learning courses on any subject.
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Please get your bladder infection taken care of - this is NOT normal to have reoccurring infections something is wrong and keep going to doctors until they find it. I have a 70ish neighbor who had reoccurring UTI's found out she had a birth defect that was fixable. You sound to be in good/great shape with working out and doing house and yard work - good for you. Loosing friends IS A LOSE and you go through all the same emotions maybe even more so. I know it's difficult especially in a small town as we age to make new friends. I love all the great advice that's been given to you so far especially to go visit your friend in the IL and agree she'd probably love to see you again. She lost her husband, then had to move into IL, and lost her friends she's dealing with lose also. Go see your kids, grand-kids time will be too short with them. I feel your loneliness with doing all the house work and yard work by "yourself" am in the same situation as husband works all day and tired at night. I've hired and am mentoring a 16 yr old girl once a week to help me in the yard with projects and helping her with her future. Something you might want to try. This is a super forum and glad you found it. It has helped me tremendously dealing with my elderly parents. Good Luck.
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I can see your original post just fine and it sounds like you are pretty active now but you miss the friends you have lost. I am 13+/- years behind you but beginning to lose friends too and it hurts a lot. I have learned to love myself and enjoy my own company. Perhaps if you could too, you wouldn't feel so badly. Maybe speak to at therapist about it? If I were you I'd get out of town and go somewhere exciting like Las Vegas. I would also ask the doctor to prescribe antibiotics in advance for your trip, just in case. Another thing I recommend is for you to make younger friends who will challenge your mind and body and be less likely to pass on and leave you. Life can be a blast if you have a sense of humor and are not rigid in your ways. Ignore anyone who disapproves of you. Stay healthy and fit, be adventurous, take calculated risks, have music in your life, laugh as often and hard as you can, love yourself, take responsibility for your own happiness, learn something new each day. With the Internet at your fingertips, learning new things is easy. These are things that work for me and I hope they can work for you too.
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I was in a similar situation before I started my caregiver roll. Joining club's was a good start, there are a lot of vaulenteer organization like meals on wheels, and other's where you can meet new people. I stated a business where I met a lot of new friends, it sounds like you might have some depression issues keep a check on that. You could try taking a class, or teaching a class, you miss your close friends who you could talk too, and go do thing's with, as caregivers I think most of us miss our friends, and going out. So we can sympathize with you, and wish you the best in your quest.
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Socialization can be difficult in our car culture with its urban sprawl, which tends to isolate people. For social outlets, consider church groups, even churches you don't belong to. I've attended a poetry group in one church and a contemplative prayer (meditation) group in another church. Some of them have book clubs, too. Some senior centers have yoga or chair yoga, as well as other classes. If you have an interest, or would like to develop one, consider starting your own group at a church or center. It could be as simple as a discussion group, in which people talk about a particular topic. And you can ban certain topics too, if they cause too much stress, such as politics.
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You've gotten a lot of great answers and suggestions. I have one more... my mother, who is 83 now, was getting many recurrent urinary infections, so her dr put her on a maintenance dose of antibiotic that she takes every day, always. It has prevented so much hassle, and has given her peace of mind that she won't flare up when she least expects it. Maybe ask your dr about that. Good luck!
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I do wonder if you could be depressed from the recurrent UTIs. I've had them before and they made me depressed, even when I was 19. You have more going on than I do--I'm 60, single, not working, little money, a dysfunctional family and hardly any friends but love being alone. I sew, knit, refinish furniture, exercise with weights and walk, read, watch interesting documentaries and how-to videos on You tube. I should interact with people more but love solitude and getting things done. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but just wondering if the depression and lack of exercise are the problem. You could start hiking the countryside around you -- being in nature would lift your spirits. Take care.
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Your church would be a good source of nice friends. Try and get involved more if you can - not sure how the Lutheran church is organised (I'm Catholic) but most churches have all sorts of groups and they're usually delighted to have parishioners who want to help out with various groups (bible study groups, choirs, flower arranging etc). I'm sure you will make friends; you come across as a warm, sincere person. Another good idea is to join a book club (only if you enjoy reading, of course) or a local history group. If there is none in your area, why not start one yourself and ask your local newspaper to help you find people to join?
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Senior Center is a GREAT suggestion. I am 75 and I don't have enough hours in the day to get everything I want to do, done. I volunteered with CASA for 5 years. When that got to tough, I let it go. After my husband died, my kids begged me to move closer to them. I loved the solitude and felt that if I moved near my kids my solitude would be gone forever, I am one of these people who do not need others around me. That may sound selfish, but I worked as a Realtor for 40 years and I have had my fill of people and phones. I spend a great deal of time studying the Word of God. I watch movies as often as I can. I also go to movies alone. I started painting and visited the Art Center and joined some art classes. What are your hobbies...Try getting into a hobby. One last suggestion: Would your husband be willing to move to a Independent living facility? Believe me, when we had our fire in our home, our Insurance company paid for us to stay in a 2 bedroom apt in a facility. At first, it was fun not having any responsibility, making friends and having some one else do the cooking. But, when our home was done being remodeled, I was ready to go home. It was hard on me making friends only to have them die off. But, most people love the social life and independent living facilities. Your church is a great source of groups and studies. Reading is GREAT. Volunteer at the hospital. There are endless things out there to do. You are much needed in your community. Good luck in keeping yourself busy. Let the housework go or hire someone to help you. Good Luck.
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kssfgirl. I can identify with some of your feelings and the first thought that came to me is that you sound depressed. I only suggest that because I am going through the same thing. I am only 71, my life is good and I should be calm and happy at this time in my life - but I am having numerous health issues (none so far life threatening) but they are keeping me down enough that when I do something I have to make myself and I don't enjoy it. I don't want to go anywhere, afraid to get sick. I worry constantly and think about how short life is, and wish I could get excited and look forward to something, but I can't.  I can't share how sad and scared and upset and lonely (in my own head) I feel - not friends or family. These feelings are too personal for anyone close to me to understand (including my dear husband) because to them, my life seems good, right?  And they can't imagine what you and I are living through in our heads? 

This is what my doctor recommends and I am going to try it: get all the medical issues addressed so you are assured you have nothing serious, line up a counselor to talk through all your fears and feelings, and go on a mild antidepressant (because so many aches, pains and anxiety are caused by depression. Depression is not mental illness - it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and we senior women are more prone to depression - my mother went through it.  Depression drags us down until we can't fight our way out of it to enjoy life, don't want to do anything. etc.
But, all hope is not lost - yet.
My prayers go out to you.
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It's okay! You're an elder and your husband is an elder, and yure taking care of each other! Glad to have you!
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Thank you - I am going to lunch at sr center today again - went yesterday too - at least it is nice not eating lunch alone - for $3.25 you can't beat that - I dont go every day but once in a while it is nice to see these seniors. I am a senior too - some people think of the senior center as too old for them - but we have to get over that thought as we are one of them plus they are nice and they do visit - maybe I can write again - hope it is ok as this is a caregiver board - but someone did say it is ok - it is nice to be able to vent with someone.
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Volunteering to help others always makes me feel useful and lift my spirits.
Blessings,
Jamie
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