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Mom has progressive dementia and is in a skilled nursing facility. My sisters and I have POA over her estate. We are moving her finances so that she will be able to qualify for Medicaid and have to make some major decisions. Mom does get confused a lot and sometimes upset when stressed. But I feel that we are making decisions behind her back, and that she should have a say in her affairs as she is always saying she feels she has no control over her life. Would it be beneficial to her if we ask her opinion in these matters, or would it be more upsetting and cause her more stress? Confusedson

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People with Dementia can no longer reason or process. I don't discuss this with Mom. They will ask and when they do just say everything is taken care of. Don't try to explain. Mom used to ask me for money. I would tell her she didn"t need it where she was. She would argue that she needed to give it to such and such for something. I finally wised up and the next time she asks me I will tell her I have to go to the bank and will give it to her the next day. By the next day, she forgets she asked.
Moving money? You better check to see if this is being done legally. Your Moms assets are just that, hers. She needs to spend them down and only have her SS, pension and $2000 in her bank acct for Medicaid. In Moms instance, she paid privately for two months for SNF and Medicaid will start nxt month. I was allowed to use money to prepay her funeral and pay for a lawyer. There is a house involved that once it sells, Mom will be taken off Medicaid until the house money is spent down then I have to reapply. If the house sells after her death, Medicaid will put a lean on it that will need to be satisfied upon the sale. I hope u have a lawyer guiding u in "moving" this money.
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I'm curious as to whether there is some real need for your mom to supervise or approve the financial matters. I'd question if she would be asked to process information that she is not able to process. Would this make her feel better or you and sister feel better?

Also, I agree with Freqflyer above. I'd likely review moving funds with an expert, since that kind of thing may impact any Medicaid qualification. They will require a paper trail. Transfers would likely be questioned. I'd make sure it was done properly, if you are planning to apply her later.
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Mom has mild-to-moderated dementia and complains she has "no control" over her own life. As her POA over the past 6 months, anytime I've included Mom in financial decisions (or anything else of consequence), I've ended up regretting it. For one thing, discussions about money send her paranoia through the roof. Secondly, allowing Mom to take part in these decisions usually ends up in poorly thought-out choices, continuous changes of mind, not to mention she forgets what she decided 30 minutes ago.

Yes, it sounds like a good thing; but sadly, I've come to realize the negatives aren't worth it. Instead, I try to give Mom as much power as possible by offering choices in her life that regardless of her decisions don't have serious consequences. Does it make her feel any better? Hard to say, but I rather doubt it. Does it make me feel better? Yes, because I know I've done the best I can.
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loveyamom, a lot depends on if the parent was savvy with finances thus they might still remember some of the ins and outs. If Mom's eyes start to glaze over then it is time to just handle everything as the Power of Attorney.

My Dad had mild dementia and major sundowning, but he was able to understand a real estate listing agreement and the sales contract, which really surprised me. He was asking me all the right questions. Even though Dad allowed me to do everything, since real estate was my career for decades, I wanted him to feel he was part of the process. Everything went so smoothly :)

I had to jump into the financial pool for my Dad's bills as he was thinking it was junk mail. Thank goodness his caregiver gave me a heads up on that, otherwise I would think Dad had that under control. Oh my gosh, all the over due bills. Plus gathering up all the different bank accounts and consolidating them into just one local bank.

One thing that caught my eye was when you wrote "We are moving her finances so that she will be able to qualify for Medicaid".... curious what are you doing.
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This is a tough question to answer, since it varies so much among people. My mother has dementia and I talk about some things with her, but not others. You know your mother, so I would advise to go with your gut feeling. If something has to be done, but you know it would upset her, then there is no point to tell her if she isn't going to live out of the NH anymore. If you feel you need to tell her something, you can word it in a way that is caring. Good luck with working this out. I handle my mother's finances and most things I don't even mention to her. There are things that have to be done, e.g. paying bills, and getting into a discussion about them wouldn't be helpful.
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My dad has mild moving to moderate dementia. Mom was trying to take over bills and finances but was overwhelmed. I've been doing it all for about 3 years now. Otherwise the power and gas would have been turned off.

I never discuss ANY finances with dad. It just creates a big mess. He thinks mom does it all and that's fine. His short term memory is about gone.

You cannot let the dementia run the show. Do what is best for mom even if you have to fib a little. If I didn't fib and withhold stuff from my dad they would be bankrupt and on the street.
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