I am a live-in caretaker to my 75 year old narcissist mother, who is on year two post-stroke. I'm an only child and the only person willing to take this on. She was a sad, broken person even before the stroke (anyone who is close to someone with NPD will know about the abuse and destruction they inflict on others). I'm 40 years old and I feel like I gave up my entire adult life for her. I moved back home (across the country) to take care of her. No friends, no life, and will have to quit my job once the office reopens later this summer.
Lately, I've felt an overpowering urge to run away from this life. No explanation, no looking back, just slipping out in the middle of the night and leaving without a trace. Does anyone else feel like this? And what do you do when you want to escape so badly it's all you can think about sometimes? And it's not just my mom I want to escape, I feel like going to a distant foreign country and being totally anonymous -- just a complete absence of responsibility to anyone and anything.
I am praying for you.
Hide in a mental cave for a while if it helps. But not too long. Collect the little sparks of discontent. Then come out & look around. Take a walk. Drop the little seeds of resentment onto the ground.
They can grow & grow into trees of strong anger. Make use of this timber - own it, cut it, shape it, re-build & re-shape your life.
I immediately jumped to a great escape from an abusive marriage... but maybe her widowed Mother or MIL was about to move in..? You never know.. 🤔
YES. I do feel that I want to run away too!! Every hour of every day. I’ve been doing this going on 8 yrs. I have no suggestions for either of us! Find some humor everyday. And just know, nothing lasts forever. Good luck! You are not alone.
For your mother: "Mother, I cannot continue to care for you. You obviously cannot care for yourself. It's time to find a suitable housing facility for you. I know you don't like the thought of that, but this has to change NOW. We can start the process of looking for a nice place that can best serve you."
For you: I have a good job. I need to get back to it. Or, I need to actively find something on this side of the country that has equal value and career interest. Not that I would continue to care for my mother, but at least be near-ish.
Make a list:
a. where can Mother live in her new phase of life. There are health counselors your can hire who will do the looking for you, especially in terms of availability.
b. set your deadline for going home. Let your Mother know it. Stick to it,
c. "I am loved" say to yourself many many times a day
Yes ..everyone wants to run away….but have a backup care plan for her in place before leaving. Look around for assisted living or a live in caregiver that has been background checked. You stay in control of finances. Don’t ever let live in caregiver do anything financial. There are alternatives. You just have to have a plan in place before leaving. You can tour a few facilities….Everyone has those fantasies, I think…to just run away..but realistically need to have someone else to take care of your mother. Hugs 🤗
That said, yes, I think about running away all the time. To Europe, preferably, leaving no forwarding address. But then I'd miss my kids and my grandson, so I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. But there is a big part of me that wants to be DONE with the responsibility of being the only child for a 94 y/o demented mother who lives in Memory Care and a DH who's had more health issues in the past 2 years than I can bear to recall. And another gigantic doozie on the horizon to deal with. So, yeah, I feel your pain.
Good luck and Godspeed, my friend.
I am an only child and I truly believe my mother has NPD as well. I never realized it until I came on this site and saw what others were posting- everything clicked into place. This is what triggered me to have and to post about all my "rules" when my mom came to live with me in December. Those "rules" pretty much are swept under the rug now, because she sees my house as "her" house- and I am living under HER roof. Lots of tongue-biting and prayer there and I go on about what I was doing. I happen to be the master of "ignore" as well, so that helps a great deal. 🙈🙉🙊 The greatest piece of advice I ever received was from a dear family friend who told me years ago as a young hothead "just let it roll right off your back like a duck". It took me many years to perfect that, but here I am. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, but it helps.
I am sure many others have also posted this, but the best things you can do if you don't run away is set boundaries, take care of yourself, have outside interests and find one small thing per day that brings you joy.
If your mom has funds that allow you to hire someone to come in and give you a break, that can help you out and give you a little peace and time for what you enjoy. You still have a lot of life to live and I completely understand feeling like running away to get that life. I wish you the best in this endeavor. It ain't easy by any means!!
Who was caring for your mom in the first year after her stroke? I'm reading your post as you started hands-on care a year ago, correct me if I'm wrong.
Instead of being between "giving up your whole life" or dreaming of running away and never looking back, could you make a plan to extract yourself and get back to your own life? You could manage care and help from a distance; others here have done this. I'm sorry you're feeling trapped and hope you can get help from agencies and maybe a therapist, if that would benefit you.
Mom's aging care just dropped like a bomb!
I feel your frustration and your pain because I have had the same thoughts of leaving the country. 🤔
I also am so close to throwing in the towel
I too gave up everything to come back here to care for her and have received nothing but dung in appreciation. Just remember this: if you are a Christian, the more you suffer for what is right the greater your reward is in Heaven. I think most care givers are going to be given a crown so big it will weigh our heads down.
Thankfully for me, I live in a small town with plenty of nature trails. Spending time alone with Jehovah is the best medicine for me. You might like to try it.
You are in my prayers. I have walked the walk you are in for over six years. That is why this site is so important for men and women like us. To support each other.
Maybe it is time to send mom to a seniors home. You need not feel guilty about it. She has brought this on herself.
Sending you hugs.
I pray this has helped you.
And of course, look into agencies that are equipped to help give you some relief.
Come back here for support too. You are not alone...believe me. My 96 year old mother lives with me and I have recently started therapy. Caregiving is the hardest thing I have ever done.
God Bless you.
The questions are:
- How do you identify/set your own boundaries?
- What are you doing (to manage) / how do you handle anxiety?
- How do you give yourself 'time outs' - essential to continuing to go on without or minimizing burnout.
- Consider that you (may be/) are clinically depressed and either or both: get into therapy, see a medical provider for (temporary) medication to take the edge off.
- Meditate and visualize yourself 'running' away to another land or place that gives you some mental / psychological respite for 10-20-30 minutes. I lost over 70 lbs doing visualizations (along with lots of other positive behaviors).
- You need to continually RE-SET to the present and make decisions that are in your health (physical, mental, spiritual) / well-being... to keep going while (learning to have) / having a quality of life. This may mean finding other(s) to care for your mom more of the time. ... so YOU can run away for a week or two. You need to regroup, re-energize, renew yourself in order to keep moving forward. So, get your ducks in a row and run away. Gena.
What is your mom's condition? Can she do anything for yourself? Can she do more for herself than she is doing? Does she need more PT?
Do NOT quit your job. Instead, it is time to start to extricate yourself from a situation that is not working for you. Your mom will need to start paying for a caregiver. You could continue to live there, but you need help and should be working at your age.
You need friends. And a life. And time for yourself. Set some boundaries and reclaim YOUR life.
We did draw our boundaries, we did refuse to do more than we felt we could. Nevertheless, those needs were always out there. It is easy enough to feel trapped when you are not living with Mom. I can't even imagine trying to live with her. You have a lot of company, I think.
Perhaps it is time to consider other options for your Mom. She will be no more miserable in a good care facility. You need to get a job, a place of your own, and reclaim your life. Above all, take some vacations. You do not need to go to another country. Rent a cabin in the mountains for a week (or whatever appeals to you). Preferably one with no cell towers anywhere near. Just listen to the wind in the trees, or the water on the lake. Be alone and be thrilled in having nobody but yourself to think about. Do not give anyone an emergency number. Do this as often as your new budget might allow. If nothing else, take a weekend to camp somewhere with borrowed equipment, whatever it takes to be alone, with yourself as your only priority. (I knew one person who actually stay-cationed at home, not answering the phone or the doorbell, just enjoying the sun in the backyard and listening to music in the quiet, pretending to be in France. It worked.)
You also need to be building up your financial reserves so that you can take care of yourself now and in your own old age. Be better than your Mom and take care of yourself. You deserve it.
You cannot give up your career. Let mom know your job is starting back and you have to go home, so you are going to find a place for her and make sure she has good care before you get back home to work.
Semail like your only solution is to find mom a Assisted Senior Housing or a Senior Apartment and the Move Back and start back to your job.
You have to take care of yourself because no one else will.
Juse tell your mom how you feel and that you plan to move back and start your job and tell her what her options are.
I have a few questions:
1 - Can you afford to retire at this time?
If you really can not afford to retire, then you need to find ways to work until you can.
2 - Since your mom seems to require quite a bit of care, what would it take to move her to where you used to live - where you have a job, friends, a life...?
3 - Yes, your mom requires care, but so do you. Where and who are the family members, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help who can assist with mom's care and/or nurture you? Help can be delivering groceries, housecleaning, caring for mom for a couple of hours...
But I don't. I have two cute dogs who get me up in the morning. I have help at home , which is worth its weight in gold. I volunteer to have contact with other like-minded citizens.
I grouse a lot, especially about changing diapers--not my favorite nor my back's favorite.
Finally, I come to this site a lot. This site got me through the worst of it with my mother and now with my husband.
Reaching out, as you have done, really helps.
Keep coming back!
You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Keep sharing and getting feedback from the good people in this forum. Their insight, support and hope has been helpful for the critical moments of needing to escape for me. Make a plan to go somewhere and take a break or make a pretend plan for when you are able to go somewhere. Take good care and know you are normal and this is the hardest work.