Burnt out and want out (yes, I know I need to leave). Does anyone have any words of encouragement to offer during this most awful time?
AgingCare fam, I need to be as forthright as possible: I hate caregiving. I'm a live in caregiver for my grandmother and it's all just too much. I tallied up a list of everything I have gone through as a caregiver:
- Grandparents' constant fights, yelling and cursing at each other
- Right off the bat, grandpa falls and ends up in hospital/rehab for 3 months
- hired a HHA via agency who brought in bedbugs and caused over $7K worth of damage
- Having to send Grandpa off to the nursing home
- Grandma getting pneumonia and ending up in hospital
- pandemic
- losing grandpa to covid-related pneumonia
- multiple horrible fights with family over caregiving
- sewage backing up into the house (needs new cesspool)
- water damage and flooding in basement
- Grandma falling and fracturing her hip
- Grandma getting Covid at the same time I did (and me ending up in hospital!)
- Grandma getting shingles on her back
- Grandma developing broken heart syndrome
- Aunt treating me appallingly and dismissing what I do in caregiving.
- bee infestation
- manipulation by a family member
- having to pay rent, grandma's medication, diapers, pads, groceries and occasional oil bills
I just can't do it anymore. My other family members and I agree that grandma should have ended up in a NH after fracturing her hip, but my aunt (POA/MP) said no. She belongs in a NH- and that's coming from someone who HATES NHs. But let's face it- things get so bad that they just can't stay home anymore. It isn't fair to me, especially the way I'm being treated. So now I'm suffering for it because she won't do the right thing. And she guilt trips me for it, which is manipulative, emotionally/mentally abusive and unfair. If I could have it so I'd never see her again in my life, wouldn't it be great! She's become a crazy person (she wants to sue a former tenant from 10 years ago because Grandma gave them a valuable antique cash register!)
It's become a madhouse of a toxic situation and I'm already suffered enough. I haven spoken to an elder law clinic, who suggested to find a place first, get it, start moving my stuff out and THEN tell my aunt that I can no longer continue doing this. In order for me to do this, I need to find a better paying job that will allow me a decent place to live, which I'm working on.
Does anyone have any words of encouragement to offer during this most awful time?
15 Answers
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Couch surf. House sit. Dog/cat sit...get out NOW.
I understand.
Good for you for having a goal. You are surely at the end of your caregiver journey.
There is nothing to feel guilty about. You have dealt with more than enough.
Time to let Dear Auntie take over. I imagine that it won’t take long till her views change.
I agree with Barb. Enough is enough. Give Auntie a date, and move out.
Keep us posted.
Does it help at all with the guilt to know that YOU ARE RIGHT about everything the aunt is guilting you for?
I SO HOPE that when you say “paying”, you DON’T mean that you are using YOUR MONEY to pay for what Grandma needs? I would STOP THAT right now.
You are SMART, you are COMPASSIONATE, you are RESOURCEFUL, you are A SURVIVOR.
Are you taking a step, even a baby step, EVERY SINGLE DAY TOWARDS SECURING YOUR FREEDOM?
There are a whole bunch of people here who will believe in you and your value as a productive human being. BELIEVE THAT!
Yes, I pay rent to Grandma's account to help with bills. On top of paying for Grandma's meds, which was another $100 this month. Usually my other relative helps with some of the costs of medications and whatnot. But recently, it's been decided that Auntie should be paying this, not me or the other relative. Especially since Auntie won't even consider splitting the cost 3 ways among us. No, her response was "you should be grateful to be caregiving for grandma and paying low rent." And this crazy woman thinks I'm going to rent the lousy accessory apartment from her after grandma is gone!?! Hell to the NO! I'm out, if not sooner.
A neighbor called last night to check in on me and grandma due to an incident she helped with while I was at work. Auntie was really rude to her and ungrateful. I apologized to the neighbor about that, and expressed my gratitude for her help.
You what kills me?! Auntie doesn't even work. She's a stay at home mom! The neighbor and I agreed that she really has no reason why she can't be over here.
You deserve a better life. Keep us posted. We care.
You need a lot more than just words of encouragement at this point, as nothing anyone of us says that might be encouraging is going to change your situation. Only you my dear can make the changes necessary to make a difference in your life.
I hope and pray that you will once and for all, say enough is enough, and walk away, and not look back. You've already done more than enough. Now it's time for you to live your life the way you see fit. I wish you the best.
I'm sorry you have been left with this terrible predicament, but have been so kind and gracious as to do all this caregiving for so long. God bless you for your sweet heart and I pray that you will find your way out of this mess, once and for all.
Again, it sounds as though you will definitely face some adversity along the way but YOU CAN DO IT! 😊
As POA, your Aunt is not responsible for physically taking care of grandma. She can make decisions for her, if she is no longer capable. She "should" have grandma's best interests in mind, but, it doesn't always work that way.
Don't try to make things perfect. Tell Aunt now that you are leaving very soon and that she needs to make other arrangements. You really should give her some notice. It's not easy to take over caregiving or make appropriate arrangements so I think it would be kind to give her a heads up. Do it in writing if you don't want to listen to her complain about it and try to guilt trip you.
As others have said, stay with a friend or rent a room in someone's house. This can be your transitional step. Then continue working towards what your real preference is but you can't always get everything lined up properly in a short amount of time.
Heck, treat yourself to a hotel for a week while you sort things out! Just so long as you can get out on your own and start living your own life again.
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