Burnt out and want out (yes, I know I need to leave). Does anyone have any words of encouragement to offer during this most awful time?
AgingCare fam, I need to be as forthright as possible: I hate caregiving. I'm a live in caregiver for my grandmother and it's all just too much. I tallied up a list of everything I have gone through as a caregiver:
- Grandparents' constant fights, yelling and cursing at each other
- Right off the bat, grandpa falls and ends up in hospital/rehab for 3 months
- hired a HHA via agency who brought in bedbugs and caused over $7K worth of damage
- Having to send Grandpa off to the nursing home
- Grandma getting pneumonia and ending up in hospital
- pandemic
- losing grandpa to covid-related pneumonia
- multiple horrible fights with family over caregiving
- sewage backing up into the house (needs new cesspool)
- water damage and flooding in basement
- Grandma falling and fracturing her hip
- Grandma getting Covid at the same time I did (and me ending up in hospital!)
- Grandma getting shingles on her back
- Grandma developing broken heart syndrome
- Aunt treating me appallingly and dismissing what I do in caregiving.
- bee infestation
- manipulation by a family member
- having to pay rent, grandma's medication, diapers, pads, groceries and occasional oil bills
I just can't do it anymore. My other family members and I agree that grandma should have ended up in a NH after fracturing her hip, but my aunt (POA/MP) said no. She belongs in a NH- and that's coming from someone who HATES NHs. But let's face it- things get so bad that they just can't stay home anymore. It isn't fair to me, especially the way I'm being treated. So now I'm suffering for it because she won't do the right thing. And she guilt trips me for it, which is manipulative, emotionally/mentally abusive and unfair. If I could have it so I'd never see her again in my life, wouldn't it be great! She's become a crazy person (she wants to sue a former tenant from 10 years ago because Grandma gave them a valuable antique cash register!)
It's become a madhouse of a toxic situation and I'm already suffered enough. I haven spoken to an elder law clinic, who suggested to find a place first, get it, start moving my stuff out and THEN tell my aunt that I can no longer continue doing this. In order for me to do this, I need to find a better paying job that will allow me a decent place to live, which I'm working on.
Does anyone have any words of encouragement to offer during this most awful time?
15 Answers
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Couch surf. House sit. Dog/cat sit...get out NOW.
I understand.
Good for you for having a goal. You are surely at the end of your caregiver journey.
There is nothing to feel guilty about. You have dealt with more than enough.
Time to let Dear Auntie take over. I imagine that it won’t take long till her views change.
I agree with Barb. Enough is enough. Give Auntie a date, and move out.
Keep us posted.
You need a lot more than just words of encouragement at this point, as nothing anyone of us says that might be encouraging is going to change your situation. Only you my dear can make the changes necessary to make a difference in your life.
I hope and pray that you will once and for all, say enough is enough, and walk away, and not look back. You've already done more than enough. Now it's time for you to live your life the way you see fit. I wish you the best.
I'm sorry you have been left with this terrible predicament, but have been so kind and gracious as to do all this caregiving for so long. God bless you for your sweet heart and I pray that you will find your way out of this mess, once and for all.
Does it help at all with the guilt to know that YOU ARE RIGHT about everything the aunt is guilting you for?
I SO HOPE that when you say “paying”, you DON’T mean that you are using YOUR MONEY to pay for what Grandma needs? I would STOP THAT right now.
You are SMART, you are COMPASSIONATE, you are RESOURCEFUL, you are A SURVIVOR.
Are you taking a step, even a baby step, EVERY SINGLE DAY TOWARDS SECURING YOUR FREEDOM?
There are a whole bunch of people here who will believe in you and your value as a productive human being. BELIEVE THAT!
Yes, I pay rent to Grandma's account to help with bills. On top of paying for Grandma's meds, which was another $100 this month. Usually my other relative helps with some of the costs of medications and whatnot. But recently, it's been decided that Auntie should be paying this, not me or the other relative. Especially since Auntie won't even consider splitting the cost 3 ways among us. No, her response was "you should be grateful to be caregiving for grandma and paying low rent." And this crazy woman thinks I'm going to rent the lousy accessory apartment from her after grandma is gone!?! Hell to the NO! I'm out, if not sooner.
A neighbor called last night to check in on me and grandma due to an incident she helped with while I was at work. Auntie was really rude to her and ungrateful. I apologized to the neighbor about that, and expressed my gratitude for her help.
You what kills me?! Auntie doesn't even work. She's a stay at home mom! The neighbor and I agreed that she really has no reason why she can't be over here.
Again, it sounds as though you will definitely face some adversity along the way but YOU CAN DO IT! 😊
You deserve a better life. Keep us posted. We care.
Would you be interested in a roommate? My brother lived in NYC and used the service and was very pleased .The company did background checks on potential roommates.
Follow thru with finding a better job so you can move out asap.
You might even think about a Roommate if that would help the process along better.
Prayers
I just feel so guilty for leaving grandma, it's really bothering me. But I know that staying is not good for my health either because of Aunt is making life miserable for me. She obviously doesn't give a d*** about me in the least, save for me being $$$. Feels like I've hit a brick wall. Grandma would never abandon me, and yet I feel like I'm abandoning her.
You have NOTHING about which to feel guilty! Guilt implies you did something wrong and most assuredly you did not!
Auntie sounds like a piece of work.
I can only offer my vocal support to those who have already weighed in. I do hope you can follow through and make a new life for yourself.
As POA, your Aunt is not responsible for physically taking care of grandma. She can make decisions for her, if she is no longer capable. She "should" have grandma's best interests in mind, but, it doesn't always work that way.
Don't try to make things perfect. Tell Aunt now that you are leaving very soon and that she needs to make other arrangements. You really should give her some notice. It's not easy to take over caregiving or make appropriate arrangements so I think it would be kind to give her a heads up. Do it in writing if you don't want to listen to her complain about it and try to guilt trip you.
As others have said, stay with a friend or rent a room in someone's house. This can be your transitional step. Then continue working towards what your real preference is but you can't always get everything lined up properly in a short amount of time.
Heck, treat yourself to a hotel for a week while you sort things out! Just so long as you can get out on your own and start living your own life again.
It has become painfully apparent to me that Aunt is trying to get away as cheaply as possible to preserve her inheritance. She cries poverty all the time when it comes to Grandma's care. Meanwhile, she's leasing whatever latest model Escalade-type vehicle (the kind that costs easily over $500/month if not more), put an inground lighted pool in the backyard and bought a $4,000 designer dog. But when it comes to fixing up the house or doing anything for grandma, suddenly the purse strings close. She is clearly taking advantage of my good nature.
Meanwhile, she's insisting that I'm crazy, lazy and self-centered.
I ended up here after reading a newer post from you. Hopefully you are making progress on finding a place for yourself, so you can get out of this nightmare!
Although I've read too many comments about APS being mostly useless, I know you feel like you are abandoning your grandmother and I would likely feel the same way. However, the person who is really abandoning her is your aunt. A GOOD POA needs to use any assets/income the person has for their benefit, not to pad the POA's inheritance. As noted, being POA doesn't mean physically caring for the person, though all too often it does happen that way, esp when there aren't funds for hiring care or using a facility. But, when the POA is skimping and not doing what needs to be done or paying for what the person needs (like medication!), they are ABUSING their "power." I would, once I had firm plans in place for the move, plan to notify the authorities about your grandmother being an elder in danger and in need. That could be APS, but perhaps there are better organizations to use. Would that elder law clinic have any suggestions? This should be reported - best case, the state would step in and ensure someone responsible takes over. Too bad for auntie when that happens, because once the state appoints a guardian, all income and assets will be used for her care, AS THEY SHOULD BE! Auntie may be left with nothing, never mind just not being able to bolster what she might have gotten if she'd done this sensibly!
Please do ask someone at that clinic what you can do to help grandma, once you are ready to leave. She's going to need proper care and a safe place. Don't worry about how auntie will take this. She's doing it ALL wrong. Also, the state takes over her care and assets, but you can still be involved in her life. Be a loving granddaughter, visit, bring her little gifts, be there for her as a granddaughter would!