Does anyone else feel like running away from it all?

Why can’t you escape? I think you should!

Why on Earth would you quit your job?

Why do YOU have to do this?

My mother had a stroke. She went to rehab and then to a nursing home.

Is that option not available? Why not?

NYC,

Don’t know if you are a Paul Simon fan. I have always loved him and have seen him live at our Jazz Fest. He’s fantastic! Music is always a joyful escape for me.

Your posting reminds me of his song, 50 ways to leave a lover, but in your case, substitute ‘Mom’ for lover!

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just set yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

I think all caregivers have felt like that at one time or another and if they say they haven’t, they are lying!

I truly hope that one day, you can as Paul says, “set yourself free!”

Yes!!! I’ll go with you!!!!

First, although you identify yourself as “…the only person willing to take this on…”, it sounds very sadly as though you really weren’t willing to take your mother’s care on in the first place. That’s really a pretty important admission, and a healthy, self valuing thing to realize.

You entered this commitment without any sense but that you had to do it, no balance of what you could offer to her and STILL maintain what you needed for your own welfare. You’ve learned since you overturned your own life that you have lost what you need for yourself.

If Mom has financial resources, place her in the best care facility you can find, and reassume responsibility for your own welfare. Remain in touch with her, visit if you choose to do so, but relieve yourself of the full time responsibilities of her hands on care.

Birthing you did not bestow on you the responsibility of erasing yourself to be a caregiver to someone else. Some people can and do take the role of full time care giving willingly. You, in your current place in life, ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

That you acknowledge that fact takes courage. Now, take action.

I think being an only child is something that has a set of issues all to itself. I am an only child and understand your sense of responsibility and feeling stuck or trapped. As far as your job is concerned, I think you will need to continue it-if not for financial reasons, but for sanity and personal connections. Would it be possible for your mother to live in AL near you? Clearly she can’t be alone and you can’t sustain this role. During the pandemic, I moved my mom out of AL and in with me for her safety, as I worked from home. As soon as my school where I work reopened, my mom went back to her place at AL. And do you have POA? Legally you will need to get all of that in order. Once you do, and see you have options, life will get better for you. Remember you matter too. Your happiness is important. Your future is your own. Don’t let this consume you. You decide how you want this to go. Best wishes to you today and always.

NYC why are you placing your life on hold? Would you consider relocating your mom to and AL near you? Does your mom have the financial means to afford AL.

I can only speak for myself and say that many times I have thought about throwing the towel and was near a nervous breakdown until someone here gave me a slight nudge with the proverbial 2X4 over the head.

Some people can handle it all, career, kids, dogs, football practice, taking care of a parent, etc. not me. You have your entire life ahead of you. Yes care for your mom if you would like but place yourself 1st.

NYC,
Yes, yes and yes! I have felt the way you feel. This is a desperate cry for change in your life. Wanting to leave "everything" is a natural feeling when you are completely overwrought by such negative circumstances. I am also an only child of a narcissist mother. There is no way I would ever move in with her. Forty is young! You should be living, working and thriving...not sitting in house with a personality disordered person and becoming a 24 hour nurse. Please move past the "good child" syndrome. You obviously care about her. Please start seeking assistance in getting your mom alternate care...trust me...if you continue this...she could outlive you! Real life is not a scripted episode of "The Walton's" where everyone helped out and managed to create their own lives. Caregiving for aging and ill parents of onlies is a differentiated tier. Please get in touch with the local geriatric aging service, start making plans and do not look back.

Daily, sometimes hourly I feel this. I used to be "me" but caring for my elderly mother has made me a different person. I feel totally and utterly alien to my own concept of how I view myself. My mom is 87 and I am 56. I recently told someone that "I am too old to still have a mother". I want to change my name and move to Iceland, so that no one in my family will come visit me ever again. I would love to take a vacation and relax but I can't because the minute I got somewhere I would get a call because my mom can't find the baking soda. I search Zillow daily for nice houses and dream of living in them alone. I want to return to being "me" so badly that some days I just go in the bathroom and cry. I would love to go to a museum and be able to just relax enough to enjoy my visit without worrying about if I should have included my mom or wondering if she could walk well enough to enjoy the visit. You are not alone in this.

Yes NYC, I have felt like this.

I fantacised about a beautiful place I had visited on holidays. About packing a go bag & just going.

What helped me then was support. I found being a 'lone ranger' was not enough. I needed a village. I sought more helpers & things slowly changed. Or I could say, I accepted I needed to make some changes.

Who else helps with Mom?

Your job. Tell me about that. Do you like it? Like the people there? What's your home town like?

I'm thinking you may have given your Mother a lovely gift - this time you cared for her. But all things must end. Time for a new plan. A plan where you return to your job, home & life & Mother moves into the care accommodation she now needs.

What are your thoughts about that?

Please, nyc2ca, I know it's difficult, but please, please don't quit your job. I have seen too many people who were your age when they started caregiving be left in untenable positions some 10-20 years later when their parent passed away. One person became nearly homeless and if not for the fact that he is tenacious he would be living on the street. He lives in a subsidized apartment and is now old enough for social security, but the whole of his check goes to rent. Please keep your job.
Please start seeking a caregiver to come in during the day at least so that when you go back to work, someone will be there during the day.
And yes, lots of us just want to run away and not worry about bills, meds, appointments for the patient,and work. Hugs to you.

Move back and reclaim your job and your life. It's not true that "no one" will take care of her. She can take care of herself and to the extent that she cannot there are about a billion government programs. I'm being blunt because I speak as the only child of a borderline personality disordered mom. I take limited care of my mom, long distance, never in person. Monitoring bank accounts, paying bills, etc.

You're experiencing FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt. It's something you can research to find lots of resources online. Please care for yourself. Do not sacrifice yourself for someone who can never be satisfied and will never be happy, even if you destroy yourself trying.

I’m so sorry you are feeling such suffocating desperation that you want to simply flee. I’m glad you reached out here and found some very good, some profound, and all caring replies. I hadn’t thought much about the pressures of being an only child. While I’m not an only child, I, too, felt I “had to” move in to take care of my 89 year old mom four years ago when she asked me to, as I am the “only” one of 3 children who is unmarried. Right or wrong, it was expected, and I complied. Big mistake. Many mistakes.

I made all of mom’s needs far more important than any of my own,
justifying it all by telling myself I could do this because of my great love for my mom, who is a covert narcissist. And I am a fool.

You moved from a different state and said you have no friends, no life. I’m in the same boat and that has to change. I think you made an important step forward by writing to us. Even if it’s only once per week, can you make a commitment to get out and perhaps meet others to start getting a life? I’m having trouble with that, myself, but know I need to do it or lose what few social skills remain. I agree with other posters that quitting your job seems a step backwards right now, but, maybe you hate it. We don’t have enough info to do much more than to speculate, but to answer your post, YES, I WANT TO RUN AWAY! You aren’t alone in that impulse, and I hope it helps you a bit to hear many feel as you do.

jhalldenton and AnnReid, thanks for your very helpful words. I shall read your posts over and over. ❤️

I have started taking mini breaks. I book a room, have a nice dinner, and try to think new thoughts, completely new thoughts. Or go exploring. It’s not extravagant and is barely a 24 hour break, but it helps (once a month). Once every 6 months, I take a 3-nighter! Hey!

You know your situation and what you need (vs. “want”).
You want to run away, but you need to start doing what you CAN to move forward, step by step, toward hopefulness, toward peacefulness in your heart. I hope you can explore something completely new, soon and find a tiny spark of joy, if only to ignite the next tiny little spark.....
love to you

I totally understand how you feel. I have been caring for my elderly mom with Alzheimer’s for five years and this past year has been progressively difficult because she is now bedridden. And I’m caring for my seven year old son. It’s physically mentally and emotionally draining. I am an only child and have no help except for aides who show up here and there but are not dependent. I picture myself just passing out on the sidewalk so all the hurt and pain could go away.
instead. I retreat into the bathroom and stay there pampering myself whether it’s a shower or exfoliation my feet or just anything to relax my mind. Hang in there, I am, by my toenails, this chapter won’t last forever. I wish you peace .

NYC, you are not alone in feeling this way. I am 5 years into caring for my Parkinsons + dementia hubby, who I love dearly. Incontinence, confusion, forgetting who I am at times, difficulty walking, calling out for his mom, etc etc. So many times I have wanted to run away (or as my brother said during the stress of his caregiving for his dying wife - "stop the train, I want to get off." ). I feel that there is nothing to look forward to - my friends are vacationing, now that Covid has subsided a bit, and I am envious. It's impossible to travel with hubby - stressful for us both. He is not happy with respite, tried that once and it severely depressed him. Frankly, at times I have felt like taking a permanent exit, if you know what I mean. But I love my husband too much to do that to him - he is very needy for me to be always in his sight. At times there is a glimmer of his old self. After I have these "run away" thoughts I feel guilty for wanting to get away; however, I know this is a common feeling amongst many caregivers. So I guess what I'm saying is that what you are feeling is "normal" - try to find ways to treat yourself in some way. All the best to you in a difficult situation!

When does the train leave?

I so hear you and my situation is not as bad as yours. 🙏❤️

I feel this way and even more so after going to therapy. I am constantly feeling guilty, but I know I need to get away. My mom refuses to think she needs help, but relies on me for so much. She has removed her life alert and other things her doctor's suggested for her safety. She doesn't want to work with anyone when I leave. I think sometimes she keeps me around just to abuse me. I think having a therapist has helped the most so far when I want to run away. I started planning and saving to move, I can't do it anymore and I don't have other siblings to help. I would try to practice some form of self-care and work on boundaries. I am still learning about all of this. It's really difficult.

There is really no reason for you to be trapped by your mother - I'm so sorry. While it is good of you to care for her, she is responsible for herself. I'm not saying to abandon her and having NPD I'm sure responsibility is not her strong suit - other than pushing it off on someone else.

DO NOT QUIT your job. Remember, some day you too will need to pay for your retirement and you will need resources.

If you mother has financial resources and assets she can hire in home aid to take care of her - or move into appropriate facility that can care for her needs and keep her safe. If she doesn't have resources - check with the Agency on Aging in your area (or what they call it in your are) for assistance to get her the resources she needs.

Yes I too have felt like running away. Pursue your life.

Nyc, when was the last holiday you had?

Is it safe where you live to have a weekend away? Beach, cabin in the woods, a lake house - where do you love?

Get yourself a holiday. Some you-time.

Space. Distance. Perspective.

Feelings of running away are probably because you need to do just that. But start small.

What are the barriers to booking a weekend away this month?

It is a very difficult existence. Constantly giving and caring without any concern given back. There are times I feel like a trapped person in a cage I truly appreciate your honesty. Let's talk more.

I'm not an only child. I'm 63 and I have an older brother who's 72. He's always lived in NJ. Was never really interested in our parents. Would vaca in Orlando with his family and tell my parents to meet him somewhere over there for a night or two. That's it. We live on the west coast in FL. I've always been the "helper" for both my parents and my dad's parents and my mom's mom. My mom was a very sweet woman and I miss her very much. She had a hoarding problem and I spent many months cleaning out their home to no avail. She passed about 6 1/2 yrs ago at 89 1/2. Was very ill beforehand and my brother never came to see her. Well, I didn't know that my brother was getting my dad to empty her bank account and have her put in a NH permanently. I managed to get 1/2 of her money back (not much to speak of) and take care of her at home until she passed. My dad is currently 98, has dementia and is extremely weak. He fell about 10 days ago and wind up in the hospital. He had a UTI that was sepsis. He is now in AL. I found a really nice place with a 5 star rating. He was fine up until tonight. I had to take his drivers license, ss card & debit card. He has always been mean, narcissistic, always arguing and in control and never lets you get a word in edge wise!!! I mean it took me many yrs to overcome all the yelling and verbal abuse from him. Not to mention how horrible he treated my mom. My mom made sure my name was on HER house and I was her DPOA. So my dad made me his DPOA too. I was never able to clean the house after my mom passed. He would always say he takes care of everything just fine. Since his fall, I seen exactly how he was living. It is really bad. I've been cleaning and throwing all the mess out in case he's able to go back home. I walked into his room tonight and he was in a super bad mood. Yelling to the top of his lungs and accusing me of wanting him dead, stealing all his money in the bank, and keeping him locked up in there!!!! I couldn't believe it. I don't know if it's the dementia making him like this again or just him? All I have done is try to help him the past 6 1/2 yrs. My hubby and I would take him out to eat 3 times a week in the best restaurants until covid hit. I gave up my granddaughters to take care of him! My daughter lives in the same subdivision and I rarely see them because I have to put my dad first. And yes, I have to, he demands it. So tonight was a big shocker for me. He even accused me of abusing my mom! I have been crying since 6p.m. I know for sure I cannot have him stay with me if he gets strong enough to walk again. I have no idea what to do. I know for sure I can't go through that all the time. I would be dead and he would just find someone else to yell at! I do know how you feel at 40 as well. I'm still waiting for things to get better.....

Sounds like you have arrived at a fork in the road and need to decide which way to proceed. Only you can decide which road to take. May God bless and help you. My only question to you is what if the situation was reversed. How would you feel if your mom wanted to run away from taking care of you?

1st let me say...I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard. Only one that has total responsibility on them alone can really understand the never ending pressure we feel of both of doing the right thing and 2) staying true to yourself, Humans were not felt to feel all these feelings of pressure and responsibility and watching decline in someone you care deeply to do right by for.
You are not alone.
A strange thing I find is that noone inquires how I am (the caretaker)
The pat phrases people will say to me are ... It is always oh your mom or dad are 102 and 92 how blessed you are to have them for so long ! Then they follow it with how is your mom doing? (or dad) I have never in 8 years of solid solo caretaking been asked.... "How are YOU doing? What can I do to help?
I just do not think they get it at all. The heartbreak / exhaustion/ fear of funding to name just one thing/ fear of nursing if you are not a nurse /type . etc

Praying to God and Jesus help so definately do that . They are my strength. We are human and have emotions and

So yes I DO feel like running away. I feel like not getting out of bed because if I move (wake up) to do any thing for myself "the laws of nature know" and I will get a call to go to the emergency room to meet the ambulance I am constantly going through my head pay her bill or what can I take to her to make her day or you need o visit er

Justkeep going the best you can and take a day for your self if you can. Know that you are doing the best you can God bless you and may you find some rest. When you do let me know how! Lol . :)

I will try to write more another day. So sorry it has gotten late and need to close this out. thanks for everyone sharing! It helps a LOT !

I so hear you! I do want to just run away... I even had worse thoughts... Thank God I have a wonderful son and a loving husband : I would never do that to them.
I am desperately trying to find respite care for August but because of the pandemic they told me to call back in July.
Can you try that too? I also am an only child... Yea one of the spoiled children... As I have been told for just too long.

Hello there.. There are many times where I feel like running away. It’s very tough indeed. I really thank God for his strength that continues to keep me.. also my family is here to help as well :)

Im 22 turning 23 soon and have been caring for my grandmother for almost 9 years. I honestly don’t know where my life is headed .. but I’ve found peace by putting it it in the hands of God. I’ve found many hobbies to keep myself active.. it’s lonely sometimes... but he never fails :)

Yes.My mother is 93 and has always abused me but never in front of my now late father.She is clearly a Narc with dementia.I have done all I can to the point of becoming sick myself.All I get is blame and never any praise.She even suggested I kill myself and has ripped up
all my photos and school reports.Now has given POA to my brother because he is male.She has also
disinherited me.Blame and abuse constantly.Hard to take.Now even lies about my
life!I am 65.I think I should leave and let the brother take over.

I feel for you when you run away take me with you as I feel the same can you join a gym or anything local just anything to take away the feeling of ready to give up and get a break from your mother? I’m fortunate enough that I live round the corner from me as she wanted to come and stay at mine and I refused you are way too young to be feeling like this don’t let it drag on as before you know it you will be too old then to do something about it do you have Carers? That helped me a lot as I work full time and was at breaking point hope you get some help but please do before it drives you mad good luck

You're not alone, many times I wish I had an incognito button to dissappear from the very daunting task of being a care provider for others as well as taking care of myself.
I finally decided that I had no choice but to nit only seek help with my care providing tasks, but mental health help for myself. When people are narcissistic that just adds to the fuel. Please take the road to regaining your own health and life. Even if this means placing mom into a care facility. You will be doing both her and yourself great justice. You are not responsible for caring for your elderly parents. While you may feel guilty, don't,
Best wishes.

You sound burned out, and like you have bitten off more than you can chew. And at age 40, you must also think about your own future and do what is necessary to take care of yourself so that you can be living independently. Don't quit your job unless you can easily find one near your mother (if that's what you want to do). Are you her POA? Make sure that all of her paperwork is in order: power of attorney for medical and financial decisions, a living will with her medical directives, a will (if she has assets), and most banks and financial organizations have their own POA forms. Someone needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You may not be making good decisions, in your present state of mind. Reach out for help from a trusted counselor. Get connected with a local social worker who can advise on your options. You first need to decide what you want to do. Are you willing to relocate to where your mother lives, and find a new job there if needed? Your basic options are to place your mother in a facility (and it will be better if she will agree to being in a facility near you) or to hire home care for her. You can also do this now, while you are working things out. Get help so that you are in a better state of mind to make decisions for yourself and your mother!