Does anyone else feel like running away from it all?

Move back and reclaim your job and your life. It's not true that "no one" will take care of her. She can take care of herself and to the extent that she cannot there are about a billion government programs. I'm being blunt because I speak as the only child of a borderline personality disordered mom. I take limited care of my mom, long distance, never in person. Monitoring bank accounts, paying bills, etc.

You're experiencing FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt. It's something you can research to find lots of resources online. Please care for yourself. Do not sacrifice yourself for someone who can never be satisfied and will never be happy, even if you destroy yourself trying.

NYC,

Don’t know if you are a Paul Simon fan. I have always loved him and have seen him live at our Jazz Fest. He’s fantastic! Music is always a joyful escape for me.

Your posting reminds me of his song, 50 ways to leave a lover, but in your case, substitute ‘Mom’ for lover!

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just set yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

I think all caregivers have felt like that at one time or another and if they say they haven’t, they are lying!

I truly hope that one day, you can as Paul says, “set yourself free!”

Daily, sometimes hourly I feel this. I used to be "me" but caring for my elderly mother has made me a different person. I feel totally and utterly alien to my own concept of how I view myself. My mom is 87 and I am 56. I recently told someone that "I am too old to still have a mother". I want to change my name and move to Iceland, so that no one in my family will come visit me ever again. I would love to take a vacation and relax but I can't because the minute I got somewhere I would get a call because my mom can't find the baking soda. I search Zillow daily for nice houses and dream of living in them alone. I want to return to being "me" so badly that some days I just go in the bathroom and cry. I would love to go to a museum and be able to just relax enough to enjoy my visit without worrying about if I should have included my mom or wondering if she could walk well enough to enjoy the visit. You are not alone in this.

First, although you identify yourself as “…the only person willing to take this on…”, it sounds very sadly as though you really weren’t willing to take your mother’s care on in the first place. That’s really a pretty important admission, and a healthy, self valuing thing to realize.

You entered this commitment without any sense but that you had to do it, no balance of what you could offer to her and STILL maintain what you needed for your own welfare. You’ve learned since you overturned your own life that you have lost what you need for yourself.

If Mom has financial resources, place her in the best care facility you can find, and reassume responsibility for your own welfare. Remain in touch with her, visit if you choose to do so, but relieve yourself of the full time responsibilities of her hands on care.

Birthing you did not bestow on you the responsibility of erasing yourself to be a caregiver to someone else. Some people can and do take the role of full time care giving willingly. You, in your current place in life, ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

That you acknowledge that fact takes courage. Now, take action.

I’m so sorry you are feeling such suffocating desperation that you want to simply flee. I’m glad you reached out here and found some very good, some profound, and all caring replies. I hadn’t thought much about the pressures of being an only child. While I’m not an only child, I, too, felt I “had to” move in to take care of my 89 year old mom four years ago when she asked me to, as I am the “only” one of 3 children who is unmarried. Right or wrong, it was expected, and I complied. Big mistake. Many mistakes.

I made all of mom’s needs far more important than any of my own,
justifying it all by telling myself I could do this because of my great love for my mom, who is a covert narcissist. And I am a fool.

You moved from a different state and said you have no friends, no life. I’m in the same boat and that has to change. I think you made an important step forward by writing to us. Even if it’s only once per week, can you make a commitment to get out and perhaps meet others to start getting a life? I’m having trouble with that, myself, but know I need to do it or lose what few social skills remain. I agree with other posters that quitting your job seems a step backwards right now, but, maybe you hate it. We don’t have enough info to do much more than to speculate, but to answer your post, YES, I WANT TO RUN AWAY! You aren’t alone in that impulse, and I hope it helps you a bit to hear many feel as you do.

jhalldenton and AnnReid, thanks for your very helpful words. I shall read your posts over and over. ❤️

I have started taking mini breaks. I book a room, have a nice dinner, and try to think new thoughts, completely new thoughts. Or go exploring. It’s not extravagant and is barely a 24 hour break, but it helps (once a month). Once every 6 months, I take a 3-nighter! Hey!

You know your situation and what you need (vs. “want”).
You want to run away, but you need to start doing what you CAN to move forward, step by step, toward hopefulness, toward peacefulness in your heart. I hope you can explore something completely new, soon and find a tiny spark of joy, if only to ignite the next tiny little spark.....
love to you

Why on Earth would you quit your job?

Why do YOU have to do this?

My mother had a stroke. She went to rehab and then to a nursing home.

Is that option not available? Why not?

I think being an only child is something that has a set of issues all to itself. I am an only child and understand your sense of responsibility and feeling stuck or trapped. As far as your job is concerned, I think you will need to continue it-if not for financial reasons, but for sanity and personal connections. Would it be possible for your mother to live in AL near you? Clearly she can’t be alone and you can’t sustain this role. During the pandemic, I moved my mom out of AL and in with me for her safety, as I worked from home. As soon as my school where I work reopened, my mom went back to her place at AL. And do you have POA? Legally you will need to get all of that in order. Once you do, and see you have options, life will get better for you. Remember you matter too. Your happiness is important. Your future is your own. Don’t let this consume you. You decide how you want this to go. Best wishes to you today and always.

Yes NYC, I have felt like this.

I fantacised about a beautiful place I had visited on holidays. About packing a go bag & just going.

What helped me then was support. I found being a 'lone ranger' was not enough. I needed a village. I sought more helpers & things slowly changed. Or I could say, I accepted I needed to make some changes.

Who else helps with Mom?

Your job. Tell me about that. Do you like it? Like the people there? What's your home town like?

I'm thinking you may have given your Mother a lovely gift - this time you cared for her. But all things must end. Time for a new plan. A plan where you return to your job, home & life & Mother moves into the care accommodation she now needs.

What are your thoughts about that?

I totally understand how you feel. I have been caring for my elderly mom with Alzheimer’s for five years and this past year has been progressively difficult because she is now bedridden. And I’m caring for my seven year old son. It’s physically mentally and emotionally draining. I am an only child and have no help except for aides who show up here and there but are not dependent. I picture myself just passing out on the sidewalk so all the hurt and pain could go away.
instead. I retreat into the bathroom and stay there pampering myself whether it’s a shower or exfoliation my feet or just anything to relax my mind. Hang in there, I am, by my toenails, this chapter won’t last forever. I wish you peace .

When does the train leave?