One day husband is up, the next day he's down. After lots of talking by me and the physical therapist, he says, "I guess the only ticket to me getting out of here is doing the physical therapy." YES! We chat about that and it seems his thinking is clear about that. He will say "I can do that." Even when I mention that it will likely take at least two weeks, he says "I can do that." I feel such relief that he finally understands.
Then the next day he calls to say he can't stand it another minute and he needs to get out of that place right now.
This dang COVID thing complicates everything. He hasn't been able to even leave his room since he got there because new patients are quarantined for a bit. He hurts. He's bored. He's lonely. My heart aches for him. And I can do NOTHING to help.
When I visited yesterday morning, he looked and sounded so good and we talked about life in general. He asked about family and friends and our dogs. He misses our dogs so much. One in particular who is always on his lap. He was clear and I even got him to laugh a time or two. We talked about physical therapy again and how important it was that he participate. It was good.
Then last night he called me late. He has been sleeping and when we woke, he was having a hard time figuring out where he was, where I was, just what was going on. He was really freaked out. Oddly enough we had one of the longest, most coherent conversations to date. I'll bet wetalked for over 30 minutes. It was so nice, and was a comfort for both of us. And THEN he tells me that he doesn't know how he managed to get from the bed to the wheelchair on his own, but he did it. WHAT??? My heart is in my throat as I beg him to PLEASE not do that on his own! "Isn't that why I'm doing physical therapy?" he says. Angry because I'm asking him to ask for help, then calming down as I suggest he look for the call button to get an aide to help him back into bed.
The ups and downs are exhausting. My own mood of being worried about him, being angry when he does something like trying to transfer on his own, feeling resentful when HE gets angry and says I'm "lecturing" when I try to explain why he shouldn't, being so, so sad about the entire situation. And the guilt about any of my feelings when I know that he must be feeling all of that and more. I feel so weary. And scared every day.
I try to keep busy...goodness knows there are many things to do around the house and yard. Yet I have little motivation to do anything but worry.
I'm sure y'all know the feelings. It really helps to know that others know how I feel. Thanks for listening.