Dealing with an elderly parent who has narcissistic behavior that has now turned violent. What steps do we need to take?
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What steps do children need to take to ensure safety of other parent when NPD parent has become physically violent? There are many many things wrong in relationship- but NPD parent has very toxic relationship with all children.
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What you need is to protect Mom. By doing that Dad needs to be placed in a facility that can monitor his meds till the right combo is found. A regular NH/LTC cannot do this. Then its looking at your parents assets. Medicaid allows the assets to be split. Dads split would be spent down and then Medicaid could be applied for. Mom could remain in the home and have a car. She would be given enough from SS and any pension/s to be able to live on. She will not be made impoverished.
I hope the lawyer you r seeing is well versed in Medicaid law. There is a thread going now where the OP was given wrong info by a lawyer and will be paying big time for his mistake.
You don't say what your mother said or thought or appeared to think during the him-dragging-her-out-to-the-car episode; but, really, can it have been in any way helpful to her?
You and your siblings can offer your mother shelter, and you can offer her support if she chooses to leave, and you can encourage her to leave. But the decision has to be hers. Has she ever shown any sign of wanting to leave her marriage, or take a break from it?
A friend's inlaws are going though similar now. The man apparently has multi health issues, refuses care, verbally abusive & has escalating agitation. Family fear physical incidents are next.
The barrier to seeking external help is the wife. Long conditioned to be the 'good wife' not speak back to him etc. Won't leave. Won't talk to Doctor behind his back. Won't call EMS if he says not to. Even brought him home from hospital because he demanded so.
So hard.
Since, obviously there would be no one your father would delegate as his POA, most likely his Dr won't listen. Call adult protective services to check on your mother. Call social services for resources. Have your mother designate you or your siblings POA for her for medical decisions and/or financial.
The next time he does physical violence in your presence call 911, do not wait.
Separate the innocent spouse if possible.
Do you have a ‘safe house’ open in your area if you don’t wish to take them in?
I know that Covid has changed so many things and some places aren’t open.
Call 911 in an emergency.
- how old are your parents?
- do your parents live with you or independently elsewhere? Are they local to you?
- if they live with you are there minors also living in the home?
- has either ever been diagnosed with cognitive impairment, short-term memory loss, etc.?
- is anyone PoA for either parent?
- does the violent parent have other issues, like substance abuse, Parkinsons, or take prescription medication?
-My mom can not talk on the phone without him being there or controlling the conversation.
- He demands to drive- but has been in numerous fender benders- where he has begged other parties to not call police so he can pay out of pocket. (my husband and I only found out because the person always doing the auto body work is a friend of ours and he tells us, everytime he comes in)
-He has to control every conversation, when you attempt to take back control he becomes irritated and agitated, and depending on the situation sometimes verbally abusive, because its not want he wants to hear.
-He cannot remember what you tell him even 30 minutes before- this is what spurned the violent physical outbreak. He called me a liar after i had said many times in the conversation prior (within 30 minutes) exactly what he was accusing me of not saying. So my mom went to stand up for me and he acted out violently towards her, i tried to get to her and get her away and he got her and him to the car and locked the doors. It was almost surreal.
-We were actually finally working on estate planning over last 3-4 weeks, it had to be his idea, so it has been a slow lead up, if I or my siblings would have pressured it, he would have flipped out, however we do not have it completed at this point.
-Medical issues- Yes my dad was nicotine dependent for over 50 years (not now), has had head tremors for over 40 years and taken medication for Parkinsons even though he does not have it directly, stage 4 Kidney disease, high BP, high Cholesterol, has had major heart attack over 10 years ago, and had stints in, as well as had kidney cancer- that has been resolved. He also has an aeortic aneurysm.
- I have researched vascular dementia and some other things that really go right up that alley.
-He will not on his own accord go to Dr obviously, and my mom can not mention it,or it will be detrimental to her. I have reached out to Dr. and nothing can be done without POA or guardianship or probable cause like a police report.
-I am working with attorney to this week to see where to go from here. If you have any ideas please let me know- or possible things that maybe we can check.
Have you spoken to the patient's doctor?
If no help there, you need to call 911 for transport to a secure facility for evaluation.