I have adhd, anxiety, depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia and autism, and I've had an on off eating disorder for 20 years. I've turned to self harm and suicide and I'm currently in counseling.
I have a job that I absolutely love, that pays well, I'm good at, I have the chance to move up, and unlike jobs in the past, it doesn't take a toll on my mental health. Since then though, I hold things together at work. I try to appear normal to everyone on the job. But my mental health eventually comes to the surface when I am not working.
So here's the thing. I DO NOT want to care for my mom on top of it. My finances, job and mental health combined do not allow. But people around me have convinced me that I have to, and that I am much better off financially living with her and helping her out. But stressful situations lead to meltdowns or overload, and then I get called a horrible daughter for having breakdowns, or she says my breakdowns are her fault. In reality its not her fault, but my brain just isn't wired to take on that responsibility, AND move ahead in life doing something that will actually support me, AND stay mentally stable all at the same time. I have also been mocked by her during a breakdown. She has encourages me to hit myself harder. And she is often convinced that I am just having a breakdown on purpose to make her mad. If I try to explain how it affects me she says I only care about myself. And if I try to explain things to her she snaps at me and makes me feel guilty, or she'll say "you've already told me that! Enough already! I dont want to hear it!"
Others in my family say tell me to put myself in her shoes, and just try to control myself better, or they tell ne that I just shouldn't act a certain way. They say that I have got to help her, because nursing homes are horrible. I want to scream at them as say that I know my mom does not have it easy - but trying to move up in the world when you have mental health problems AND be there for a disabled parent on top of that is just as hard, AND I cant just snap out of a mental breakdown. In those moments I'm literally not in control. And I hold myself together during the day at work because I know I have too, but loose it at home.
But I feel like it will be my fault if I my mom gets worse, and needs round the clock care that , and ends up killing herself. Now fortunately, the responsibilities of caring for her are usually minimal, although she still wouldn't be able to live on her own if I wasnt here to help. But every now and then... like the past couple weeks, for instance, things are worse. Im getting little to no sleep, and that can trigger alot of issues for me. Like last night I was breaking out in odd noises, and going nack and forth uncontrollably between laughing smiling and screaming, and I was slapping myself yelling that there was something wrong with my brain, and having conversations with myself. I knew I was acting that way but couldn't shut it off.
The worst part is. I dont feel like I love my mom. I don't hate her, but for both past and future reasons I don't think I feel love towards her. I have family who say I do love her, but they don't know how I feel. I don't think love her, and I would rather she be in a nursing home and be on my own than her physical health having an additional impact on me. But I don't think I hate her either because I don't want her dead. I don't think I feel anything towards her, except bitterness that this is our life. And I feel anger towards my family for feeling bad for her, but not understanding how I feel. If she gets worse, and still refuses a nursing home, where she'll actually have 24-7 care from trained people, then I would love for someone to just understand me, and tell my mom she has to, because she clearly doesn't understand that while my brain wiring isn't her fault, the pressure of care giving is an added responsibility I can't keep up with.
Also my mom has in home help, too. But only 150 hours a month.