I have adhd, anxiety, depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia and autism, and I've had an on off eating disorder for 20 years. I've turned to self harm and suicide and I'm currently in counseling.

I have a job that I absolutely love, that pays well, I'm good at, I have the chance to move up, and unlike jobs in the past, it doesn't take a toll on my mental health. Since then though, I hold things together at work. I try to appear normal to everyone on the job. But my mental health eventually comes to the surface when I am not working.

So here's the thing. I DO NOT want to care for my mom on top of it. My finances, job and mental health combined do not allow. But people around me have convinced me that I have to, and that I am much better off financially living with her and helping her out. But stressful situations lead to meltdowns or overload, and then I get called a horrible daughter for having breakdowns, or she says my breakdowns are her fault. In reality its not her fault, but my brain just isn't wired to take on that responsibility, AND move ahead in life doing something that will actually support me, AND stay mentally stable all at the same time. I have also been mocked by her during a breakdown. She has encourages me to hit myself harder. And she is often convinced that I am just having a breakdown on purpose to make her mad. If I try to explain how it affects me she says I only care about myself. And if I try to explain things to her she snaps at me and makes me feel guilty, or she'll say "you've already told me that! Enough already! I dont want to hear it!"

Others in my family say tell me to put myself in her shoes, and just try to control myself better, or they tell ne that I just shouldn't act a certain way. They say that I have got to help her, because nursing homes are horrible. I want to scream at them as say that I know my mom does not have it easy - but trying to move up in the world when you have mental health problems AND be there for a disabled parent on top of that is just as hard, AND I cant just snap out of a mental breakdown. In those moments I'm literally not in control. And I hold myself together during the day at work because I know I have too, but loose it at home.

But I feel like it will be my fault if I my mom gets worse, and needs round the clock care that , and ends up killing herself. Now fortunately, the responsibilities of caring for her are usually minimal, although she still wouldn't be able to live on her own if I wasnt here to help. But every now and then... like the past couple weeks, for instance, things are worse. Im getting little to no sleep, and that can trigger alot of issues for me. Like last night I was breaking out in odd noises, and going nack and forth uncontrollably between laughing smiling and screaming, and I was slapping myself yelling that there was something wrong with my brain, and having conversations with myself. I knew I was acting that way but couldn't shut it off.

The worst part is. I dont feel like I love my mom. I don't hate her, but for both past and future reasons I don't think I feel love towards her. I have family who say I do love her, but they don't know how I feel. I don't think love her, and I would rather she be in a nursing home and be on my own than her physical health having an additional impact on me. But I don't think I hate her either because I don't want her dead. I don't think I feel anything towards her, except bitterness that this is our life. And I feel anger towards my family for feeling bad for her, but not understanding how I feel. If she gets worse, and still refuses a nursing home, where she'll actually have 24-7 care from trained people, then I would love for someone to just understand me, and tell my mom she has to, because she clearly doesn't understand that while my brain wiring isn't her fault, the pressure of care giving is an added responsibility I can't keep up with.

Also my mom has in home help, too. But only 150 hours a month.

Why do you think that your mother is your responsibility?

Isn't she an adult? Hasn't she had a lifetime to plan for her old age?

What if you didn't exist?

Please move on from this thought that YOU need to care for her. Threats of "I'll commit suicide if you don't..." are manipulation, pure and simple.

Take care of YOU. YOU are worth it!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Nazdrovia Mar 3, 2021
Very true
Have you ever heard this saying: What other people think of you is none of YOUR business? Repeat it to yourself until it sinks in. Then block the numbers of all your 'family' members who find it necessary to tell YOU what to do for your mother, and go about living YOUR life as YOU see fit.

My mother is 94 and I've been listening to her threaten to 'kill herself' for the past few DECADES. Everything from 'give me a gun to shoot myself' to 'I'm jumping out the window.' She lives on the first floor of the Memory Care Assisted Living home so that won't work, now will it? Take what your mother says with a grain of salt, that's my advice, b/c she's holding you emotionally hostage with these empty threats. If she has to go living in a Skilled Nursing Facility, SO BE IT. When my mother runs out of $$$ soon, she'll be moving into one herself b/c there is NO WAY she'd ever come live with me. She's done enough damage to me over the past 63 years without living here, aside from the first 17 years of my life which were MORE than enough, thank you.

Please make sure to take care of YOURSELF now, you deserve to. Your mother has in home help and can easily hire MORE people to assist her, if need be.

Good luck & Godspeed, my friend.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to lealonnie1

I don't mean this as flippantly as it may sound, but why don't these family members who have such plans for your life step up to help take care of your mother?

If they're not willing, personally I'd discount their "advice."

Sounds to me like you're going to need some help, so if I were you I'd take it literally however I could get it. If that means Medicaid nursing home, so be it.

(waves to Lealonnie, whose advice is always spot on!)
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Hellebore7
elaine1962 Mar 2, 2021
Waiving to Lealonnie also. I agree!!! Spot on advice!!

My therapist also said that to me before. What other people think of you is none of your business. It’s brilliant!
I am very grateful you have sought counseling. I am relieved that you have made this move. You have, I am certain your counselor has told you, all you can handle currently with your own problems. Your mother has made threats. They may be idle threats and they may not be, but you are not in control of her life and cannot be so. Do let her physician know so that he can guide her.
We all have our limitations. I would never have been able to do 24/7 care for anyone. I don't apologize for that. It is simply how I am made.
Again, I am so happy you have a counselor and I wish you the very best going forward, and hope for the best for your Mother as well.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Not all nursing homes are horrible. Get your wonderful ‘family’ onto the job of checking them out and finding the best that is available. It’s not your responsibility to find one, just as it is not your responsibility to stop her from committing suicide. What a lot of rubbish you are putting up with!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

You are not your mother's keeper. You are dealing with enough already, and you certainly don't need the additional stress. I'm sorry that you have a family that doesn't understand what you're all dealing with. I'm glad that you're seeking counseling though. Hopefully that is helping. What your mother decides to do with her life is on her, not you, so please don't allow her to guilt you into caring for her. No where is it written that a child has to care for an aging parent. No where. Your one and only priority right now should be getting the help you need to live your best life possible. May God bless you and keep you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59

You must take care of your health first. With your challenges you do not need any more burdens. Have you considered whether alternative living conditions might actually help your mom? Help you? Don't be afraid to consider all options here. As for family (so-called, IMO) Ignore their guilt inducing "solutions" and bad advice. I suspect they just do not want to deal with situation and are happy to shove it off on you. Frankly I would spend as little time around them as possible. I would not expect them to help but would try to get advice from mom's social worker about placement.
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Reply to rovana

Time to pull on the big girl panties and talk to mom.

Don't go into gory details, just say "I cannot take care of you and me, so I am choosing to care for me."

You DON'T have to organize care for her, or a new living arrangement or ANYTHING. Just pack YOUR stuff and walk.

Make sure that somebody knows you're leaving and GO. Don't look back.

A mother who 'encourages you' to self harm is not someone you want in your life. And don't feel bad about not loving your mother--I don't think I really love mine either. I'm not mean to her, but I rarely see her and anything I offer to do for her is shot down, so there's that blessing.

Find a place to live nowhere near her. Keep up with your therapy and meds and the job you LOVE and let the rest of the family deal with mom.

I know this sounds harsh, but you owe her nothing. The most basic respect for giving you life, but other than that, no.

Sadly, there's a LOT of people in your position. Bless you with strength to walk away and not let family get to you. BE STRONG!! You can do this!!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Midkid58

Sigh........ my mom was always pulling the same "I'll kill myself" stunt - sobbing and locking her self in her room. It got old. My mom's sister did the same stuff when she was living with her daughter - including the smashing things and sobbing and threats to kill herself - in front of grand daughter of seven. So my cousin called 911 and they could hear auntie in the background sobbing and raging and they came - saw the smashed stuff and hauled her off for a couple of days - Baker Act. Then my cousin got her on meds and moved her to senior living.

So i told my mom- next time she threatened to kill herself i was going to call 911 because I was worried about her and thought hospitalization would help her, just like her sister. Kind of manipulative but guess who doesn't threaten to kill herself any more.

She has plenty of other stunts, but this one no longer
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Reply to Kimber166

I am so glad you have a job you love. Sounds like this is a real positive towards making your best life.

Being Mother's carer would be adding another job on top. It is YOUR choice. You can decide. You can decide No. One job may be enough!

She may not like to hear No.

To get her way she may try all sorts of things: indirectly, like having other family members put pressure on you (manipulation) or directly, like threating you or threating self-harm (tantrum behaviour).

I would explain ONCE to those other family members that you said No. Then ignore their views.

I would get professional advice from Lifeline or similar when she threatens, as her threats are of a serious matter.

Mother has other options: if she is no longer fully independent, then she must accept carers in her home or moves to where care is provided. These are HER real choices.

HaveFaith, do you have counsellor/therapist support for yourself? If you currently live with Mother, discussing what your own future accommodation options may be suitable for you may be helpful.
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Reply to Beatty

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