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My mother needs to be moved from ALF to Memory Care due to progression of dementia. Am working with her doctor and social worker with the messaging however, there is an estranged sibling out there that has had an on/off relationship with mother. Since progression on dementia, sibling has been more engaged....calls her daily and visits occasionally. Sibling has history of mean spirited behavior and hates my sister and I. I am mothers POA and have been caring for her for 10 yrs. Estranged sibling has turned me into adult protective services and filed complaints with Ombudsman in the past. Have been investigate up, down, sideways, every which way. Sibling will never give up.
Given mother's mental health, dementia state and physical health, I am thinking of not telling estranged sister about mother's move until after mother is able to adjust. This is advice I am getting from ALF and am waiting to finalize the plan with social worker. This will not be an easy move. My mother's material possessions are now very important to her---something that has changed dramatically since estranged sibling re-entered her life.
I will need to empty her existing apartment and because estranged sibling is so materialistic, I am more than willing to let her come and take whatever she wants (minus what we will move to mother's new room). I don't care about the material things....I just want to minimize sibling's ability to cause undue stress and anxiety with mother especially while adjusting to new environment.
Anyone with experience? Advise?

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Very difficult, my sympathies.

My first thought, though, is that if you *don't* communicate this important information to PITB (pain-in-the-nether) sibling, you will be handing her (her?) a genuine grievance, thus:

Q: should a person's children be informed of her change of location?
A: normally, unless there are stunningly good reasons not to, yes.

So that, if you don't tell her, and don't plan and don't have grounds to prevent her from seeing your mother indefinitely, you are withholding information that she could reasonably expect to be given and she'll be able to make a proper meal of it. Why give her an exciting new way to make trouble?

Maybe you can work with the new facility on this. Inform PITB sibling in writing of the new address, and at the same time enclose their guidelines for families - they should have something along these lines anyway - about not disrupting the transition so as to assist the person in settling in well.

Regarding the house clearance, I can't see that you need to give PITB sibling information about this until after you have removed everything mother wants; and then, as you say, it won't matter what she wants to take.

Having to have anything to do with the wretched woman must bring you out in a rash, but do your best to treat her as you would any normal person you didn't much like but who must by now, surely, have exhausted her options for causing real problems. Be as formal as you need to be to stay civil, and try not to let her get up your nose.
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Consider getting and order of protection for your Mom.

It is a sort of elder abuse for sib to be doing this. If it were me, I would seriously look at making sure sib can only visit when you say it is ok...and supervised visits only.

Helicopter sibs who cause distress for Mom need to be contained and the situation needs you to have the authority to enforce it.
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Dear pattdd14,

I know this is very tough. Dealing with estranged siblings is very hard. From what you are saying it sounds like you have to almost ignore your estranged sibling till your mom is safely moved. This might be the best course of action given that there is already so much on your shoulders.

Try talking to the social worker and see if there is any family counselling or support group available for caregivers in your area. Hopefully they can give you more tools to use to deal with your estranged sibling.
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