I am one of now 2 children remaining. My brother died 10 years ago. Over the years I have been promised things then had them taken away. told i was going to be in charge of estate. then told no. Told by my remaining sibling..."i'm going to get rid of you when I'm ready" she lives out of state I am the only one remianing in area to care for elderly parents. I have now been told im in charge of mother going in for surgery ...i think i should be told the truth one way or the other so i know what to do if something happens during my moms surgery...the flip flop all the time...i'm the scapegoat of the family being used...but i want to be honorable...should i confront mom and ask for the truth...about what i have to do if i am the executor or ignore all this yo yo talk...? at one point my parents stood in my kitchen screaming" YOU BETTER GET USED TO BEING POOR....." Now my mom is saying you are in chage of estate...your sister is OUT? what should i do

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ernamoyer, normally the Executor of a Will would have a copy of that Will. Unless your parents went to an Attorney to make current changes to their Will, thus naming someone else to be the Executor.

By chance do either or both of your parents have dementia? if so, it can be the dementia doing the talking as the brain is broken and they just can't think straight.

You need also to ask yourself, if the caregiving is to a point where you feel like you are going to crash and burn, is the estate [mainly half of it when both pass on] be worth this tug of war that your parents are placing on you?

Your Dad, if he has dementia, is only going to get worse and he might find himself in Assisted Living [if he can budget the cost] or in a nursing home [where Medicaid is paying for his care]. Thus, the estate finances will drop considerable.

How I wish caring for elder parents was so complicated :P
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Typically- but not always - when both parents remain married and both are still alive - the will leaves everything to the surviving spouse.

If it were me, the most I would do is ensure your father knows where your mothers original will is kept. At least in Oregon, the original will is required for a transfer of assets and probate - a copy, even a "certified" copy is considered the same as having no will.

But I ask you - without judgement- does knowing you will be "in charge" or a beneficiary- sole or otherwise- make a difference in whether you continue to provide care for you parents? If not, I'd let the matter drop, beyond being aware of where the original wills are kept. If it might make a difference - if you are not a beneficiary and your sister inherites everything (it would for me if I was the sole caregiver and then completely cut out in favor of the non-caregiving sibling) well, you might want to rethink your role in looking after your parents.

If you are counting on inheriting as compensation for your caregiving now - don't. "Many a slip 'tween the cup and the lip" as my father use to say.

Beyond that, it's pretty crappy of your parents to jerk you around by dangling their will. But its worse if you are letting it.
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