Dad has had a stroke and can no longer drive. Mom could, but has not driven in a few years. She gives many excuses not to drive. Help!

I would be wary of encouraging someone who doesn't want to drive to do so. Has she had her vision checked recently? Perhaps there is an issue there. Maybe her hand/eye coordination is off and she senses she wouldn't be a safe driver? I would help her set up with grocery delivery rather than risk an accident.

Is there a grocery bus scheduled from the independent living community? Otherwise grocery delivery is a good option.

These are great comments. Thank you. Her eyesight is good. Just had an exam. Very good. I too have been thinking she is afraid to drive in fear of a wreck. Perhaps that is the case. I would hate to encourage her to drive if she truly can't. However my husband and I are pretty reasonable, thoughtful folks. We believe she can. My husband has taken her out twice to drive so far. He said she was a bit rusty in the parking lot. But did well driving home. As far as shopping the local grocery store. They have delivery right now but they are soon going to stop the delivery program. Darn! All these years it was available and just when we really needed the service they are ending it. Lol. I laugh now... Oh man. I am reading a lot of comments on this wonderful site and my heart is sinking. Think of what will come. This is such a milestone for them and us. We knew and have tried so hard through love and compassion and many conversations to prepare for these days. I have a feeling the way this very first step is being so difficult were gunna have quite a ride. Gulp. Mom is very very VERY stubborn and very argumentative. I can see although she often says "we don't want to be a burden" that she is enjoying this more than I think is going to be manageable. Oh boy. Sigh. I call her mom. Most call her grandma. She is my husbands mom. And although she has 4 children my husband is the only one stepping up to the task. Well of course I am helping too. I am very concerned for my hubby. He worked 12 hrs today then did their shopping on a last minute call from them. Came home ate a sandwich and that was all she wrote. Out cold. Zzzzzz. He is going to get burn out quick at this rate. God bless him. So here I am on this site trying to find answers and help for this long ride. My parents are deceassed a long time now. :( So I know whats to come. I just need some help to help my hubby without overstepping my boundries. God help me to help him to help them. Wow did I just say that?! Yep. :o

"God help me to help him to help them" -- I love it! :)

You will be in my prayers.
May God help you, to help him, to help them.
This is a true labor of love, what we all do.

Some counties/municipalities offer adult driver refresher training, which can be ideal for those who are otherwise able, but whose skills have grown rusty. Perhaps your Department of Motor Vehicles, or AARP, or your local Council on Aging can help her regain/refine her skills and confidence?

If that's a no-go, perhaps Uber/Lyft are good alternatives. Both require a smartphone ... but ... if she does not have one, Arriverides.com will handle Uber and Lyft by old-fashioned phone call.

(DISCLAIMER: Still working with/on my in-laws, who let me install Uber/Lyft apps on his smartphone, and she has the Arriverides number ... but both have yet to do one diddly thing with any of those services.)

How old are your in-laws?

Having a stroke is a life changing event for most folks. Sometimes there are permanent disabilities, physical and cognitive, that follow. Did FIL go to rehab? How is he managing? And how is MIL doing helping him?

I'd make an assumption that they are going to need more help going forward. If grocery shopping is a task that needs to be taken off in-laws' plate, work with them to develop a shopping list that can be delivered or shopped for every two weeks or so. You or hubby can work a grocery shop into your schedule, pehaps.

You can also work on getting non-perishables delivered (amazon, drugstore.com) .

How about setting up the curbside pickup. My daughter does this at Walmart just because her life is busy and is actually looking it. Then someone, either hubby or you, just pulls up, they load the car and you drop off for mom.

Sometimes it isn't about lack of practice or stubbornness - somewhere in my 40's I inexplicably developed a problem with panic attacks while driving, over the years I've learned to identify certain triggers that set off my driving anxiety and I can generally avoid those situations so I do still drive. Most people tend to think of driving as something as natural as breathing and fail to understand that there are some people who just aren't comfortable (or skilled) behind the wheel, instead of forcing the issue of her reluctance/inability to drive look for alternatives.

Are they maybe at the stage that IL is no longer a viable solution? Sounds like AL would be a benefit for both of them, have you talked about that with them? Does their IL have AL so they don't have a big transition? Just a thought.

I am so sorry that your family is facing this hard trial. Ask and you shall receive,  so praying God helps is the right path.

If she has 4 children, then get the other 3 on board by whatever means you need to take. (Guilt usually works well.) What you say to Brother #1, I've taken the groceries over to mom and dad for the last 2 weeks but I can't go this week. Can you drop off a couple of things for them, or they won't have anything for their lunches."

Also, maybe mom doesn't want to leave dad alone (because of his stroke).
Has he had Physical Therapy and learned transfering, walking with walker or using a wheelchair, etc.?
Maybe she's thinking that if she was in an accident, who would take care of dad?
Does she have a cell phone? She should.

I wouldn't bother forcing the situation of driving with her if she's that adamant. You can work around it.

cwillie, I also have those gosh darn panic attacks when driving. It started decades ago when cellphones started to be popular [lot of rear end accidents out there] and the panic increased big time when my parents stopped driving and I had to be their taxi service using their vehicle which i dreaded.

Mamascaretaker2, so I can understand fully why someone who use to drive doesn't want to drive any more. I noticed my panic is a bit less if someone is in my vehicle with me, but driving alone, panic city. If Mom starts with the excuses again, please listen to her. She can easily restart the on-line grocery with home delivery.

I had to do the on-line grocery with my own parents. It was just to exhausting to get a cart full of items that Mom needed, and then the next day do an instant replay for my own groceries. Then my parents came up with what they called a wonderful idea.... I would drive them to the grocery store and leave them off, then come back in a half hour. Seriously??? A half hour??? In a half hour my folks would only be in aisle 5 out of 26 aisles. Nope, not a good idea at all. Back to on-line ordering.

The independent living should have transportation for shopping. If not, then the local Office of Aging should. Tell them son is working 12 hour days and he just doesn't have the time. They need to be as independent as possible.

I know it is a difficult decision but ask yourself are you pushing her to drive to make it easier on yourself ? ....only that person can truly say I am not comfortable driving and you MUST LISTEN BECAUSE IT COULD RESULT IN A DEVASTATING RESULT FOR HER OR OTHERS ON THE ROAD..TRUST ME..BEEN THERE WITH MY DAD WHERE OTHER DRIVER WAS KILLED . ..LISTEN AND RESPECT HER CONCERNS .

I would also be wary of having someone drive that's not done it in a while, and is fearful. However I had my mom evaluated at a driving school that specialized on elderly drivers. Do a google search for your area. An independent instructor evaluated and determined how safe my mom really was on the road. It might boost confidence if it comes from a professional rather than family.

Amazon delivers groceries. Also, would Mom be amenable to taking Uber rather than driving?

I’m surprised that the IL doesn’t offer van transportation for shopping? When my dad was in IL they had a weekly grocery day. I was also just reading the other day that RSVP (retired senior volunteer program) has drivers available to ferry people to wherever they need to go. I don’t know if you are in a large enough city but check with you Area Wide Agency on Aging to see what services are available if the retirement center doesn’t already offer this. And get those other siblings involved...get a cake and brew coffee and have everyone over for a sit down meeting. That’s ridiculous they aren’t helping. This is all about setting boundaries with them.

Once my father was no longer comfortable driving a car, his whole living situation had to change. This was indeed the beginning of 3 years of him needing more and more care. Looking back, I would make sure you have all the necessary legal documents such as POA and then I would assess their financial situation as to how much help they can afford, how much help family is able to provide and where is the best place for them to live to get that care. This inability to get the grocery shopping done is probably the first of many challenges they will face. Know your own limits as to how much you and your husband will be able to do for them and establish boundaries from the beginning.

If she does not want to, maybe there is a reason she does not want to. That reason could be far more devastating than the inconvenience of not driving.

If you have a Sam's Club membership the "Plus" membership now has free delivery. An order can be placed for anything and delivered directly to them.
Many areas have a Senior Center and a program that has volunteers that will take someone shopping or to the doctor.
If there is public transportation many have free or low cost Senior fares and many will pick up right at the house. (This may require a disability in some areas)

Last resort if all the siblings are in the area set up a schedule. Sibling #1 checks things on the weekend tells sibling #2 what is needed. Sibling #2 goes shopping on Tuesday or Wednesday and delivers items. Sibling #3 Checks in on Thursday or Friday and tells the next sibling what is needed. Then it starts again with Sibling #4 checking in a few days later and telling sibling #1 what is needed.
Doing something like this will give each sibling a chance to check in without a large time commitment and it will be a check in to see if all is alright.
Another option for meals if they qualify would be Meals on Wheels. They would get daily meals and check in to make sure they are OK.

If she feels like she shouldn’t drive don’t encourage her. It would be much worse if she drove, got into an accident and killed someone. The response to things are much slower as we age. You don’t need a law suit
Either.

Getting back into practise after not driving for an extended time is always a challenge. So much of the skill becomes automatic - but the auto part is lost over an extended non-driving time.
The older one is, the more challenging it is to start driving again.
Taxis and Uber make such good sense; often they'd be cheaper for seniors than owning a car, if they no longer go out a lot. But several elderly friends of mine got rid of their cars, expecting to use taxis or uber. "I knew I'd take uber - But I don't!" at least two told me. When the time really comes to spend that money (a $35 trip to the mall; "only" $20 round-trip to the supermarket), they just can't splurge like that, even though they know that the average cost of a trip in their own car was more.
There are terrific suggestions here from readers, as always. Delivery (by store, or through hiring someone to shop and deliver) is important to relieve family of at least some chores.
Don't overlook the need for the well one, and to the extent possible, the one who isn't well, to get out at least occasionally.

And don't overlook the possibility that their place of worship - or yours! - may have an ongoing plan to provide assistance for members in need.
Other organizations you or they belong to may step up to help, too. A political club did our shopping for us for 2 months and offered to 'sit' my husband so I could get out - a service they have continued to provide members in need of help ever since. A sorority offered help. As did friends. DON'T HESITATE TO ACCEPT! Just figure you'll do your share of helping others when you can (and probably will, some day! Accepting help when it's most needed gives us more will and energy to serve others - if/when there's time again to lend a hand to others beyond the family).

I would not encourage her to drive; there is a reason she has not driven in several years. You can shop on line for her, get delivery or the curbside option, depends on where they live. or you can probably hire someone to do the shopping and deliver it. Start figuring out your options for help; since the care needs will increase as your parents age. So many people have problems getting their parents who should not be driving to STOP driving. I would rather have this problem. If she has an accident and injures someone, that will begin a whole lot of other problems. I know that it is hard to coordinate this; many of us have been there.

A friend took senior special driving lessons after she became wary post-accident & it gave her back her confidence - this may be the first try otherwise a wary driver = a scared driver = a high risk for an accident driver so if she won't take the profession lessons then don't push it

Where my parents used to live I was able to pre-pay cab tickets that was $7.00 anywhere in town - because they were already paid for then [mainly] dad used them - FYI .. this makes a great mother's day gift - call different cab companies to see if any have that sort of programme - it was subsidized by the town to keep seniors active - there may be some time of day restrictions like not before 10:00 a.m. or between 3:30 & 5:30 but that would be easy to go around

There is also a programme here for seniors that they could get 'script' that meant they paid 1/2 of the meter cost & the other 1/2 was paid for by city - again to keep seniors active so you'll need to ask around for these sorts of things - this keeps people who want to be active but are not good drivers off the roads 

If they are reluctant to take cabs then sit them down to show the cost of insurance, maintenance, gas etc per month then have that money diverted to a 'cab' account then sell car & add to that fund - it will probably never be fully depleted & they aren't going to be expending anymore than before - you could also get a taxi account so they don't need cash or use a company that would allow a credit card so they don't feel a pinch from their wallets

I would not encourage her to drive if she doesn't want to. She could have a concern she doesn't want to bring up, or is unable to put words to that concern so comes up with excuses instead. Looks like it may be time to get her into a tablet or computer or even a large smart phone. Then she could use uber, order groceries and even have medicines delivered. In our city there are several stores that have busses that will pick you up take you their store then take you back home. They run every hour or do. You would really not believe the amount of stuff you can get delivered to your home when your home bound. I hope this helps in some small way. Besides. Be grateful your mom isn't the opposite believing she could drive when she was really a danger to all those on the road, we went through that with my mom.

How old is your MIL? If she is elderly, she may just be unable to handle driving again after all this time. You may have to make some other arrangements so that she doesn’t have to. She must have some reason for not wanting to drive. To her, it is a valid reason. Even a lack of confidence while driving can lead to hesitation and have bad results, and reaction times in the elderly are crap to start with.

Sorry, but IMO, it’s better to have someone give up driving themselves rather than drive when they are not confident or safe, and you have to wrestle the keys away.

By all means if your mother doesn't want to drive don't push her behind a wheel. There are way to many services that will deliver groceries and other necessities start to their door. Try Amazon or Instacart. If you force her behind the wheel you are endanger her life and everyone on the road.

Warning.....your mother is not telling you this but she is scared and no longer has the confidence to drive. Suppose she does and something terrible happens and it could. Arrange to go once a week or once every two weeks or hire someone to do this if she can afford it. Don't force her - too dangerous. She may not want to admit the truth.