Father is worse after mother visits him in the memory care facility. Is it fair to ask her not to visit as often?

When you say your father is "worse" after your mother's quite long visits, is that only worse in the sense that he's not joining in the group activities, and he's missing lunch?

If your father gets upset or feels unwell, that's different; and in that case it would be worth suggesting to your mother that she might visit at different times of day, or for shorter periods.

But if he enjoys her company and really isn't that bothered about the meal time; if, in fact, he's not coming to any harm at all; then just let them suit themselves. Maybe your mother could take sandwiches with her to share. Or maybe she could be persuaded to give the facility's lunches another try? If they're supposed to be good enough for him, then...?

Unless her visits upset him
Unless he has a medical condition that requires him to eat each meal
Unless her visits disrupt the facility
Her visits and the time she spends is pretty low on the scale of priorities.
You do not say how old they are or how long they have been married or if this is a stepmother. But lets say they have been married for 35, 45, 50 years...visiting 3 days a week for 5 hours is a drop in the bucket compared to the lifetime they have had. This had to be just as difficult for her. When you take "those vows" as I recall there is a line...In sickness and in health"... it is difficult to admit that you can not care for someone or have that care taken out of your control. After all no one knows him better than she does so it is hard to believe that someone else can do things better than you can.

If it is just a missed meal 3 times a week and he misses a chance to watch "The Price is Right" or play Wordfind I would not worry about it.
And many facilities charge an unreasonable amount for a spouse to eat a meal with a resident. When my husband was in rehab about 5 years ago I was told I could have a lunch for about $10.00 and for the meals they served that was way over priced. The meals I saw were all pretty unimpressive so skipping a few will do no harm. (again unless there is a medical reason he must eat)

Well if he skips lunch that’s not good. Could she visit after lunch?
Worse in what way?
15 hours a week isn’t a great deal considering all the other hours they are not with one another. Why are activities more important than being with her? I don’t understand.
Does she take him lunch? Could he keep some ensures in his room for the occasion? I have next to no experience with NH, ALF but I would think they miss each other and are the most comfortable with one another. Sorry if that’s not helpful.

Are you the POA? You should not place yourself in the middle of this. Mom would resent you for it. I would leave this to the memory care facility to address. Who asked you to take care of this?

Maybe she cold bring him a lunch, something he likes. I agree about the activities, he most probably wants to be with her instead.

Truthfully, missing lunch on the days Mom visits really isn't a big deal. My 96 yo DH misses many meals due to not being hungry. And this has been ongoing for a couple of years. He still maintains his weight.

3 lunches missed per week is nothing, if that is the only meal. I bet he eats his dinner better on those days. I would vote to keep your Mother coming on her 3 visits weekly.

RE: not participating in MH activities - seeing your mother is way more important. If they do nothing but hold hands, it's very therapeutic and extremely comforting for Dad. Unless he doesn't want her there - and it seems as if it keeps him stable.

Mjs1299 You have not given us any more info to go on. Like the longevity of the marriage or how close they were. My folks were married 67 years, were almost a unit unto themselves. When Dad needed Assisted Living/Memory Care, the only way we got The Unit to go in there was to tell her that others could give her help with laundry, meals, cleaning, etc. so she would have more time to take care of Dad and she could concentrate on his care!! (She had memory issues of her own, but we found it best not to use that as a reason)!! So I agree with the other posters who think their together time is more important than a meal. I would have Ensure in his room so he gets a little nourishment if he would get hungry at such times. But if this is a solid marriage I would not advise getting in the middle. The suggestions for sandwiches is good. Come back and tell us more about how he is 'worse' ! Maybe better answers will come forth!

Perhaps you could explain to her that missing a meal in his condition is detrimental to his health and that he wants her to join him. It will make him happier. Perhaps she could brown bag it if she doesn't like the food, or bring him something that the both of them could eat. As to not participating in group activities that could be just a sign of respect. She makes the time to come so he gives her all of his attention. Perhaps you could ask him which activities he wants to
Participate in(most places have a weekly or monthly schedule). And bring her later or earlier that day? What did they used to do together when they were both living in the same place? Tv, cards, listen to music? Maybe having some of those things to do together would be more beneficial that just sitting together.

There are wives that stay with their husbands many hours at a time at mom's memory care and there are some who come for an hour at lunch and leave - imo the caregiving spouses are heros and everyone even other residents benefit from their presence

I'm assuming by worse you mean he's upset either because he's in the facility in the first place or upset when he's left behind when she leaves ? If he's just too upset to eat and is being disruptive when she's there, then the facility might be asking for help, but usually the spouse is a calming influence

It takes a long time to adjust to being in a facility and being denied access to a loved one doesn't necessarily make it easier

I agree with other posters, encourage mom to eat with him or bring a special meal they can share.

DO NOT intervene and minimize their already minimized time together, this is traumatic on both of them and regardless of the memory issues dad has, his love for his wife is still there.