Mom could drive but she won't. It would be helpful if she could drive at least to the store for groceries. How can we build her confidence, or should we even try and continue the way it is? Perplexed. Tired. Worried.
I would respect his mother for not wanting to drive however I would put the responsibility on her by asking how she will get her groceries if she chooses not to drive. If her suggestions involve you or your husband and are not acceptable then you need to speak up. She can hire someone to get her groceries or hire a grocery service in your area, find someone on care.com etc
Depending on their age, if your town / city has a city bus service, and receives any federal funding they have to include ADA transportation. I use it for mom's doctor visits and you can go to grocery store, the movies, etc. Usually, form to be filled out by the doctor why they cannot use a regular bus is required. Don't force her. I stopped driving on a major highway because I don't have my nerves of steel like I did when I was 50 so cut mom some slack and own the fact parents are aging and need help so figure out the best way for everyone's "convenience."
try meals on wheels or meals for mom (better than meals on wheels as they taste better). Then you wouldn't need so many trips to the store for them. Even if they don't qualify for the free program you can pay for them and get them that way. And it can give them a bit of company too.
I am sure your mother comes up with excuses to not drive because she feels apprehensive to do so. My mother did the same thing; always "allowing" me to drive her car whenever we went out because she was afraid her skills were not up to par but she did not want to admit it. Do not pressure your mom to drive when she feels uncomfortable to do so but may not want you to know. She knows best about this matter so take her at her word and find another alternative.
I am 75. I have a driver's license which is really useful as a form of ID. But I never drive. I do own a car, now that my husband has died. I took the AARP safe driver course and found that I am probably not safe to drive, even though my score was high enough to reduce my insurance rate. I have some vision problems (nearsighted and amblyopia). Driving requires fast judgment. Older drivers process information more slowly. I learned that to be safe you have to drive regularly. You mother-in-law is probably not safe to drive--even if she didn't feel anxious about driving. Her anxiety and lack of experience and age are going to make her more indecisive. Just driving once a week to the supermarket isn't going to be enough training to keep her safe. I recommend seeking home delivery of groceries by some other method such as those other members have offered.
Reading your post, I think that perhaps your father’s stroke came quite young, perhaps even in his fifties, and that you are at the beginning of what can be a very long road. Many people’s problems are in discouraging elderly parents from driving, not the opposite. My mother drove quite well, but got flustered one day when she was tired and slow, and someone very inconsiderate tail-gated her aggressively to speed her up. She pulled to the side and hit a lamp post front on. She survived, but it’s not the best way to end your driving career. Nor is it the worst way!
Many posters have a problem with parents who become increasingly demanding, and aren’t very nice about it. That is also not a good road to go down. It’s a good idea to get them to solve as many practical issues as possible for themselves, rather than get them into the habit of expecting to be waited on. Could you get them to do their own research about the options for grocery shopping and delivery? They may be quite shocked to hear that the alternative is to consider Assisted Living or some other institutional care.
You and your own husband are already finding the extra expectations are hard for you, and it gets a lot worse. Encourage their independence if you can, but the driving option is a bit dodgy.
cwillie is right. Sometimes, anxiety can be a health problem; in my case I was suffering hyperthyroidism. Aside from that though, with many couples the husband drives and the wife rides along. This was true for my parents until dad sustained a brain injury. For mom, it was like starting over. The first time she drove, I went along with her....scary! But with time, she adjusted and was able to take on that task for the next 25 years. When she couldn't drive any longer, I would chauffeur and mom learned to use the council on aging van for some trips. Once in a blue moon, a neighbor helped out. Lastly, some home health aides can provide transportation usually as part of a larger session (they are not a taxi service!).
Use a grocery delivery service. I wouldn't suggest urging a person to drive if they've said no to it, especially one who hasn't driven in a few years. Good grief! Think of the other person on the road while this elder is driving. A nervous driver is NOT a GOOD driver.
You said the grocery store is going to stop delivery. How about another store? Even if it is more expensive it could be well worth it in saving your sanity. I don't know how big your city is, but have you called the County Office on Aging? They might have some ideas.
My mother never drove and I called the local taxi company, found out the cost to and from the store, put the exact fare, plus a tip in an envelope with the Taxi company's phone name and phone number on the outside. She didn't use it. Would rather walk to the store and be so tired that some stranger would bring her home. I tried but mom was stubborn. But, I would not, I repeat would not, drop everything, drive an hour, just to run her to the store. I went to help her one day a week, that was all.
She is truly afraid and no longer safe to drive. But she doesn't want to admit that. Don't force her - something horrible could happen. Then what? Hire someone or arrange to grocery shop once every two weeks and make sure all that is needed will last for two weeks.
Warning.....your mother is not telling you this but she is scared and no longer has the confidence to drive. Suppose she does and something terrible happens and it could. Arrange to go once a week or once every two weeks or hire someone to do this if she can afford it. Don't force her - too dangerous. She may not want to admit the truth.
By all means if your mother doesn't want to drive don't push her behind a wheel. There are way to many services that will deliver groceries and other necessities start to their door. Try Amazon or Instacart. If you force her behind the wheel you are endanger her life and everyone on the road.
Sorry, but IMO, it’s better to have someone give up driving themselves rather than drive when they are not confident or safe, and you have to wrestle the keys away.
How old is your MIL? If she is elderly, she may just be unable to handle driving again after all this time. You may have to make some other arrangements so that she doesn’t have to. She must have some reason for not wanting to drive. To her, it is a valid reason. Even a lack of confidence while driving can lead to hesitation and have bad results, and reaction times in the elderly are crap to start with.
I would not encourage her to drive if she doesn't want to. She could have a concern she doesn't want to bring up, or is unable to put words to that concern so comes up with excuses instead. Looks like it may be time to get her into a tablet or computer or even a large smart phone. Then she could use uber, order groceries and even have medicines delivered. In our city there are several stores that have busses that will pick you up take you their store then take you back home. They run every hour or do. You would really not believe the amount of stuff you can get delivered to your home when your home bound. I hope this helps in some small way. Besides. Be grateful your mom isn't the opposite believing she could drive when she was really a danger to all those on the road, we went through that with my mom.
A friend took senior special driving lessons after she became wary post-accident & it gave her back her confidence - this may be the first try otherwise a wary driver = a scared driver = a high risk for an accident driver so if she won't take the profession lessons then don't push it
Where my parents used to live I was able to pre-pay cab tickets that was $7.00 anywhere in town - because they were already paid for then [mainly] dad used them - FYI .. this makes a great mother's day gift - call different cab companies to see if any have that sort of programme - it was subsidized by the town to keep seniors active - there may be some time of day restrictions like not before 10:00 a.m. or between 3:30 & 5:30 but that would be easy to go around
There is also a programme here for seniors that they could get 'script' that meant they paid 1/2 of the meter cost & the other 1/2 was paid for by city - again to keep seniors active so you'll need to ask around for these sorts of things - this keeps people who want to be active but are not good drivers off the roads
If they are reluctant to take cabs then sit them down to show the cost of insurance, maintenance, gas etc per month then have that money diverted to a 'cab' account then sell car & add to that fund - it will probably never be fully depleted & they aren't going to be expending anymore than before - you could also get a taxi account so they don't need cash or use a company that would allow a credit card so they don't feel a pinch from their wallets
I would not encourage her to drive; there is a reason she has not driven in several years. You can shop on line for her, get delivery or the curbside option, depends on where they live. or you can probably hire someone to do the shopping and deliver it. Start figuring out your options for help; since the care needs will increase as your parents age. So many people have problems getting their parents who should not be driving to STOP driving. I would rather have this problem. If she has an accident and injures someone, that will begin a whole lot of other problems. I know that it is hard to coordinate this; many of us have been there.
And don't overlook the possibility that their place of worship - or yours! - may have an ongoing plan to provide assistance for members in need. Other organizations you or they belong to may step up to help, too. A political club did our shopping for us for 2 months and offered to 'sit' my husband so I could get out - a service they have continued to provide members in need of help ever since. A sorority offered help. As did friends. DON'T HESITATE TO ACCEPT! Just figure you'll do your share of helping others when you can (and probably will, some day! Accepting help when it's most needed gives us more will and energy to serve others - if/when there's time again to lend a hand to others beyond the family).
Getting back into practise after not driving for an extended time is always a challenge. So much of the skill becomes automatic - but the auto part is lost over an extended non-driving time. The older one is, the more challenging it is to start driving again. Taxis and Uber make such good sense; often they'd be cheaper for seniors than owning a car, if they no longer go out a lot. But several elderly friends of mine got rid of their cars, expecting to use taxis or uber. "I knew I'd take uber - But I don't!" at least two told me. When the time really comes to spend that money (a $35 trip to the mall; "only" $20 round-trip to the supermarket), they just can't splurge like that, even though they know that the average cost of a trip in their own car was more. There are terrific suggestions here from readers, as always. Delivery (by store, or through hiring someone to shop and deliver) is important to relieve family of at least some chores. Don't overlook the need for the well one, and to the extent possible, the one who isn't well, to get out at least occasionally.
If she feels like she shouldn’t drive don’t encourage her. It would be much worse if she drove, got into an accident and killed someone. The response to things are much slower as we age. You don’t need a law suit Either.
If you have a Sam's Club membership the "Plus" membership now has free delivery. An order can be placed for anything and delivered directly to them. Many areas have a Senior Center and a program that has volunteers that will take someone shopping or to the doctor. If there is public transportation many have free or low cost Senior fares and many will pick up right at the house. (This may require a disability in some areas)
Last resort if all the siblings are in the area set up a schedule. Sibling #1 checks things on the weekend tells sibling #2 what is needed. Sibling #2 goes shopping on Tuesday or Wednesday and delivers items. Sibling #3 Checks in on Thursday or Friday and tells the next sibling what is needed. Then it starts again with Sibling #4 checking in a few days later and telling sibling #1 what is needed. Doing something like this will give each sibling a chance to check in without a large time commitment and it will be a check in to see if all is alright. Another option for meals if they qualify would be Meals on Wheels. They would get daily meals and check in to make sure they are OK.
If she does not want to, maybe there is a reason she does not want to. That reason could be far more devastating than the inconvenience of not driving.
Once my father was no longer comfortable driving a car, his whole living situation had to change. This was indeed the beginning of 3 years of him needing more and more care. Looking back, I would make sure you have all the necessary legal documents such as POA and then I would assess their financial situation as to how much help they can afford, how much help family is able to provide and where is the best place for them to live to get that care. This inability to get the grocery shopping done is probably the first of many challenges they will face. Know your own limits as to how much you and your husband will be able to do for them and establish boundaries from the beginning.
I’m surprised that the IL doesn’t offer van transportation for shopping? When my dad was in IL they had a weekly grocery day. I was also just reading the other day that RSVP (retired senior volunteer program) has drivers available to ferry people to wherever they need to go. I don’t know if you are in a large enough city but check with you Area Wide Agency on Aging to see what services are available if the retirement center doesn’t already offer this. And get those other siblings involved...get a cake and brew coffee and have everyone over for a sit down meeting. That’s ridiculous they aren’t helping. This is all about setting boundaries with them.
I would also be wary of having someone drive that's not done it in a while, and is fearful. However I had my mom evaluated at a driving school that specialized on elderly drivers. Do a google search for your area. An independent instructor evaluated and determined how safe my mom really was on the road. It might boost confidence if it comes from a professional rather than family.
I know it is a difficult decision but ask yourself are you pushing her to drive to make it easier on yourself ? ....only that person can truly say I am not comfortable driving and you MUST LISTEN BECAUSE IT COULD RESULT IN A DEVASTATING RESULT FOR HER OR OTHERS ON THE ROAD..TRUST ME..BEEN THERE WITH MY DAD WHERE OTHER DRIVER WAS KILLED . ..LISTEN AND RESPECT HER CONCERNS .
The independent living should have transportation for shopping. If not, then the local Office of Aging should. Tell them son is working 12 hour days and he just doesn't have the time. They need to be as independent as possible.
cwillie, I also have those gosh darn panic attacks when driving. It started decades ago when cellphones started to be popular [lot of rear end accidents out there] and the panic increased big time when my parents stopped driving and I had to be their taxi service using their vehicle which i dreaded.
Mamascaretaker2, so I can understand fully why someone who use to drive doesn't want to drive any more. I noticed my panic is a bit less if someone is in my vehicle with me, but driving alone, panic city. If Mom starts with the excuses again, please listen to her. She can easily restart the on-line grocery with home delivery.
I had to do the on-line grocery with my own parents. It was just to exhausting to get a cart full of items that Mom needed, and then the next day do an instant replay for my own groceries. Then my parents came up with what they called a wonderful idea.... I would drive them to the grocery store and leave them off, then come back in a half hour. Seriously??? A half hour??? In a half hour my folks would only be in aisle 5 out of 26 aisles. Nope, not a good idea at all. Back to on-line ordering.
If she has 4 children, then get the other 3 on board by whatever means you need to take. (Guilt usually works well.) What you say to Brother #1, I've taken the groceries over to mom and dad for the last 2 weeks but I can't go this week. Can you drop off a couple of things for them, or they won't have anything for their lunches."
Also, maybe mom doesn't want to leave dad alone (because of his stroke). Has he had Physical Therapy and learned transfering, walking with walker or using a wheelchair, etc.? Maybe she's thinking that if she was in an accident, who would take care of dad? Does she have a cell phone? She should.
I wouldn't bother forcing the situation of driving with her if she's that adamant. You can work around it.
Many posters have a problem with parents who become increasingly demanding, and aren’t very nice about it. That is also not a good road to go down. It’s a good idea to get them to solve as many practical issues as possible for themselves, rather than get them into the habit of expecting to be waited on. Could you get them to do their own research about the options for grocery shopping and delivery? They may be quite shocked to hear that the alternative is to consider Assisted Living or some other institutional care.
You and your own husband are already finding the extra expectations are hard for you, and it gets a lot worse. Encourage their independence if you can, but the driving option is a bit dodgy.
My mother never drove and I called the local taxi company, found out the cost to and from the store, put the exact fare, plus a tip in an envelope with the Taxi company's phone name and phone number on the outside. She didn't use it. Would rather walk to the store and be so tired that some stranger would bring her home. I tried but mom was stubborn. But, I would not, I repeat would not, drop everything, drive an hour, just to run her to the store. I went to help her one day a week, that was all.
Where my parents used to live I was able to pre-pay cab tickets that was $7.00 anywhere in town - because they were already paid for then [mainly] dad used them - FYI .. this makes a great mother's day gift - call different cab companies to see if any have that sort of programme - it was subsidized by the town to keep seniors active - there may be some time of day restrictions like not before 10:00 a.m. or between 3:30 & 5:30 but that would be easy to go around
There is also a programme here for seniors that they could get 'script' that meant they paid 1/2 of the meter cost & the other 1/2 was paid for by city - again to keep seniors active so you'll need to ask around for these sorts of things - this keeps people who want to be active but are not good drivers off the roads
If they are reluctant to take cabs then sit them down to show the cost of insurance, maintenance, gas etc per month then have that money diverted to a 'cab' account then sell car & add to that fund - it will probably never be fully depleted & they aren't going to be expending anymore than before - you could also get a taxi account so they don't need cash or use a company that would allow a credit card so they don't feel a pinch from their wallets
Other organizations you or they belong to may step up to help, too. A political club did our shopping for us for 2 months and offered to 'sit' my husband so I could get out - a service they have continued to provide members in need of help ever since. A sorority offered help. As did friends. DON'T HESITATE TO ACCEPT! Just figure you'll do your share of helping others when you can (and probably will, some day! Accepting help when it's most needed gives us more will and energy to serve others - if/when there's time again to lend a hand to others beyond the family).
The older one is, the more challenging it is to start driving again.
Taxis and Uber make such good sense; often they'd be cheaper for seniors than owning a car, if they no longer go out a lot. But several elderly friends of mine got rid of their cars, expecting to use taxis or uber. "I knew I'd take uber - But I don't!" at least two told me. When the time really comes to spend that money (a $35 trip to the mall; "only" $20 round-trip to the supermarket), they just can't splurge like that, even though they know that the average cost of a trip in their own car was more.
There are terrific suggestions here from readers, as always. Delivery (by store, or through hiring someone to shop and deliver) is important to relieve family of at least some chores.
Don't overlook the need for the well one, and to the extent possible, the one who isn't well, to get out at least occasionally.
Either.
Many areas have a Senior Center and a program that has volunteers that will take someone shopping or to the doctor.
If there is public transportation many have free or low cost Senior fares and many will pick up right at the house. (This may require a disability in some areas)
Last resort if all the siblings are in the area set up a schedule. Sibling #1 checks things on the weekend tells sibling #2 what is needed. Sibling #2 goes shopping on Tuesday or Wednesday and delivers items. Sibling #3 Checks in on Thursday or Friday and tells the next sibling what is needed. Then it starts again with Sibling #4 checking in a few days later and telling sibling #1 what is needed.
Doing something like this will give each sibling a chance to check in without a large time commitment and it will be a check in to see if all is alright.
Another option for meals if they qualify would be Meals on Wheels. They would get daily meals and check in to make sure they are OK.
Mamascaretaker2, so I can understand fully why someone who use to drive doesn't want to drive any more. I noticed my panic is a bit less if someone is in my vehicle with me, but driving alone, panic city. If Mom starts with the excuses again, please listen to her. She can easily restart the on-line grocery with home delivery.
I had to do the on-line grocery with my own parents. It was just to exhausting to get a cart full of items that Mom needed, and then the next day do an instant replay for my own groceries. Then my parents came up with what they called a wonderful idea.... I would drive them to the grocery store and leave them off, then come back in a half hour. Seriously??? A half hour??? In a half hour my folks would only be in aisle 5 out of 26 aisles. Nope, not a good idea at all. Back to on-line ordering.
Also, maybe mom doesn't want to leave dad alone (because of his stroke).
Has he had Physical Therapy and learned transfering, walking with walker or using a wheelchair, etc.?
Maybe she's thinking that if she was in an accident, who would take care of dad?
Does she have a cell phone? She should.
I wouldn't bother forcing the situation of driving with her if she's that adamant. You can work around it.