How do I convince a refusing parent that they need to move to a HUD Independent Living facility when they refuse?
Mom description - Irrational, manic depressant, manipulative, recluse, alcohol issues, major vanity/pride issues, self-pity (the world has screwed her over), feels entitled, OCD, in and out of counseling for most of her adult life. She is within 12 months of having only SS as income (currently works part time 10 - 20 hours a week), has no assets, car has 1 - 2 yrs left, and she lives week to week by choice and ALWAYS looks at the glass as half empty (extremely negative). I (and my sisters) have counseled/encouraged her for most of her adult life in areas of finance, making friends, exercising, job searches (basically living like a normal responsible adult). She has made other choices and now they have caught up to her. I walked her through BK due to extreme credit card debt, she had a heart valve replaced (heart is better than before), yet always seems to find something wrong with her which of course handi caps her in life. Yet, right after she sings "woe is me" looking for simpathy and help, she refuses to consider rational solutions to the behavior she has just displayed. Mom is ONLY 70 yrs old (I know, you would have guessed 85 - 90) and despite all the mental and health damage she has done to herself over the yrs, really is in reasonably good health and had parents that lived in their mid 90's!! Other insight so you dont think I am a cold SOB, my parents divorced when I was 11 and I lived with my dad with only occassional visitation with my mom. I love my mom, but my relationship is differrent than most and if I am honest, I am driven to help her more out of sense of duty (I am 48). I would like her to be happy but she chooses otherwise. So, I have presented 3 options to my sisters 1) Mom moves in with one of us, 2) we put mom in an apt nearby and subsidize her needs with 3rd party services, 3) mom moves into a HUD Independent Living Facility with onsite services (i.e. transportation, cafeteria, 24 hour attendant). 1) will not work as mom is a destructive force in just 1 evening and would destroy our marriges...just not an option, 2) is a bandaid and candidly just plays to her vanity/entitlement attitude plus her needs will probably grow very soon (time & $$) and with the potential of another 20 - 25 yrs of life, just not a responsible choice on our part with her potential life expendency nor do I think she is entitled just because she thinks she is a certain social class and above those who just have SS (remember, her circumstances are not her fault). My sisters and I are in the thrust of raising families, sending kids to college, and planning for our own futures in a tough economy and while we will always attempt to do what we are responsible to do for our mother (we have been subsidizing certain expenses for her already over the last 18 months), we need to be prudent and I refuse to be manipulated, enable her, or feed her entitlement attitude. There is no way financially we could subsidize her the way she wants to live for 20 - 25 yrs anyways. It's a vicious circle we have experienced for many years and despite the advice/help/resources provided to her, she makes her own choices and is now experiencing the results, yet refuses to aknowledge she is at all responsible. At this point, I see no ther choice but the "tough love" approach telling my mom we will support option 3) only. She will kick and scream and tell us she would rather go live on the street or die than go to an "old folks home" (manipulation technique), but I see no other choice after all these yrs of trying other options and I personally have made peace with whatever the results are of this ultimatum. To some, this may sound cold, but after most of my adult life couseling my mother, then seeing her do the opposite, and now having to pay the piper, my compassion is very challenged. I am always open to other ideas, but these HUD facilities often have waiting lists and we are running out of time to avoid managing her life in panic mode. If you read this far... thanks for listening. Ideas????