Caring for sick parent since start of my marriage. How can I make a change?

Bravo for you, light1989!! You get today's hero award for having this "come to Jesus" moment with your husband. You mustard up the courage to confront the issue, and dismissed your concerns about hurting your husband's feelings. And forget any resentment. What's done is done, it's all history. How would being resentful help your marriage, your family relationship, your own mental health. You don't have to give everybody a big warm hug, keep the family at arms length if you want.

You weren't aggressive or mean. You were HONEST and ASSERTIVE in expressing your thoughts about a problem you couldn't live with. Holding back one's thoughts is not good for a marriage, as long as long as you express yourself for the good of the marriage. If not, eventually, it will cause regret. I hope your marriage is all you want it to be.

Hello all, I would like to update you and let you know I finally cracked. After feeling miserable from my second dose of moderna, all my feelings came out like word vomit to my husband. He called his brother and had a long talk with him. I had a long talk with my husband as well. In the end, my father in law finally left with his other children...he wanted to leave until September, but I told my husband at least 6 months worth. He agreed. So it has been two weeks of real newlywed privacy. I reminded my husband about his vows to me in front of God since we married at church. I hope this lasts until December at least, or he enjoys staying with his kids so much he doesn't want to come back. However, I don't think his kids will want him forever. I told my husband this needs to be a thing from now on. He agreed. Both of us seem so much more relaxed! However I am having a hard time letting go of resentment towards the whole family for being so selfish, ungrateful, and wanting me to do everything for them. I was going out of my mind and he was also getting into my protein stash that I paid with MY money, and he would still move all the objects and finish my proteins and pre-workouts. Now that he is away he is asking we get him some. I told my husband I have a membership I paid for and I pay with my card. That if he wants some he can get a membership and he said how will he pay for it and I said with your money or your siblings since they never paid us a dime for his food, bills, or anything. He did not mention anything to me after. Thank you all so much for helping me put things into perspective. I had to be so "aggressive/mean" in order for them to see the boundaries. It seems he will now be half a year with his kids, half with us.

It’s very sad that you were deceived by your husband.

You married him, not your father in law. He pulled a bait and switch on you.

He must have some good qualities because you married him but it wasn’t very nice of him to trick you by bringing his father on board.

It isn’t healthy to suppress your feelings about how you feel about being your father in law’s caregiver.

One day, there may be a trigger that will cause an explosion and all of your feelings will flow forth like a raging river.

Does your husband know how terribly frustrated you are? Please tell him.

I understand that you don’t want to hurt feelings but your feelings are just as important as theirs.

Don’t ever be afraid of an argument.

Issues can be resolved in an argument.

Arguments aren’t the worst that can happen.

When a person shuts down. That’s the worst that can happen.

You have begun to shut down. Nothing gets resolved if you are closed off from your husband.

I understand how certain situations can complicate our lives and we lose hope.

Usually, this is when we must stand up and be the strongest that we can be.

I can imagine that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired of all of this.

Set a timer, when that time limit is up, (whatever you decide is fair to find other living arrangements for your father in law) then he must go!

If that doesn’t happen, you have the right to say that you said, “I do.” to one man, your husband, three people in a marriage is one too many!

Since FIL is awaiting his asylum request to come up, have you contacted an immigration attorney to see if he would qualify for any federal program help?

I got stuck on “I’m not able to say my thoughts out loud for fear of hurting him.” Hurting which one? Your husband, who thinks you should keep smiling while you cook and clean? Your FIL, who is quite happy to ask for unreasonable changes that will make life even worse for you and DH? Or you… no not you, you don’t count, do you?

Perhaps you SHOULD make it clear to FIL exactly what you think about all this, and that the advice you are getting here is to quit and run. You want a home of your own, a normal marriage, and children. None them are compatible with a live-in invalid who wants it all his own way, and a husband who doesn’t put you first. The household conversation should flip right now to alternatives to the present situation. That means making it clear that this is NOT what you want to live with, whether it hurts or not.

FIL is undocumented and has no money. If your best friend was in this position would you tell her to just give up everything she hoped for and spend what could be many years waiting on and cleaning up after this person? I doubt it. Trust me you don't want years to go by and be part of the *would've could've should've* club.
Taking care of you should be your priority.
This will get much worse.
His father is not your responsibilty. 💙

My half sister is dating a man who is caring for & living with his 81 y/o mother. I keep telling her & telling her to get OUT of this relationship because she's 58 years old and is going to wind up being the caregiver to this old woman. Period. She's closing her eyes to the truth.

You, on the other hand, were sold a pig in a poke, the way it seems to me. I'd go rent a beautiful hotel for a while, with your husband's credit card, letting him know on your way out that you did NOT sign up to be a nurse maid for his father and have him along on dates to boot. Three's a crowd, bud.

See how he likes doing everything around the house & for his father while you're relaxing at the hotel. Perhaps he'll learn a thing or two about using the word "No" when it comes to his father, too.

THEN you can sit down and talk about where dad gets to move next, and how the two of you either move on with your marriage or move on without one another.

Best of luck. I'm sorry you were put into such a position to begin with.

light - You entered into the marriage not knowing the full extent of the caregiving and how exhausting it could get, and that FIL was going to live with you. If I were in your shoes, I would feel exactly as you do, angry and resentful.

Your husband has been taking care of his dad before he got married. If I had to guess, I would say he wanted a bride for him as well as another caretaker for his dad. And he got what he wanted. I don't see why he would want to change. As long as he could keep you pacified, things would go on just the way he liked.

Of the 3 people in this relationship, you're the one that is unhappy. So, you're the one that needs to make changes.

Ask yourself, if you had to do this all over again knowing what you now know, would you do it? Would you get married? Or keep dating? Or look for someone else?

You don't have any children right now. THAT'S GREAT. KEEP IT THAT WAY. It makes thing easier. You can and should undo what you wouldn't have done in the first place. You can walk away, or separate temporarily, or take a break for a week or a month so that you can look at the situation from a distance, and decide what to do next.

I doubt your husband would make any big changes since he would be back to taking care of his dad like he used to before getting married. He managed it before, he probably would manage it again.

Don't waste your life. Good luck to you.

I would suggest at least a week away.
A weekend is a bit of a “honeymoon” phase of caregiving. At least a week away would be more realistic.
Your FIL could live for a long time. Better to get this straightened out now. If you don’t set boundaries now, you are giving permission to be treated this way.
This is a great place to learn. Keep coming back, until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself. And then, some!

Thank you so far for answers. When I posted this I felt I was at a boiling point when I posted this. I really appreciate you all reading my situation

I forgot to add he’s undocumented (waiting for his asylum) so we can’t get him the help most elderly here can get. We tried a caretaker once but it was a lot of money and my in-laws don’t put a penny for my father-in-law’s care, not even for groceries or toiletries or any help with bills or his medical bills. We are on our own financially with him.

I tend to be blunt when I see someone being used, and abused.    It seems to me that your husband had plans worked out but wasn't completely up front with you, and has excuses not to change the situation.  

Your statement "before we got married my husband told me he had a responsibility with his father and I knew I would help care" leads me to believe he had a scenario planned, but you weren't part of the planning, although you were a major asset in implementation. 

The fact that he brought his father along on dates, and had to be told that this wasn't acceptable to you suggests to me that he tends to extend his needs and demands farther than most husbands would, and also that he had private plans before the two of you were married.

You recognize that the situation won't change; the next question is, will you, and how?   From what you've seen of the marriage, is it something you want to work out, given what you know now, and not knowing how long FIL will live?   Do you strongly want children, but certainly not under these conditions?

If your husband won't consider professional placement, and won't compromise at home, he's essentially creating  a situation with an ultimatum.     The question is what will you do?

Do you have family or friend with whom you can stay for a few weeks to distance yourself so you can think more freely and clearly?  If not, and assuming you're teaching online as so many are these days, can you afford to stay someplace else to get away from your husband and his FIL, again to think over the situation and whether you want to put up with that situation until FIL reaches his end?  

And given his diabetes, it may become worse, significantly worse if he's a noncompliant diabetic.    What action would you take if FIL needed 24/7 care and your husband expected you to quit your job?   That is a possibility, you know.

You do have every right to consider yourself and your goals first in this kind of assessment.   And if you do, and find that you want a separation, or more permanent action, that is your right, you're not letting anyone down, but you are protecting yourself and your future.

Look into facility that will care for FIL 24/7 & you can concentrate on your husband & career. Caregiving is a full time job & even caring for parent is hard ...but a FIL?!? You make it clear to your husband you’re not going to be a caregiver anymore. I would absolutely NOT have children with this man. He’s shown that you are NOT his primary concern. Hubby doesn’t care about your feelings. I would go as far away from this situation as possible. Take a vacation...or long weekend with a girlfriend...& get away to think & clear your mind. You can make your decision what direction your life will take. Good luck & HUGS 🤗

This is not working for you.
Talk to your husband about new solutions. Give him a little thinking time - but a time frame - for changes to be made.

If required, take a weekend away to visit friends or family to give him more thinking time + doing time. Sometimes that's all it takes. A weekend of hands-on care himself to 'get it'. He may also then 'get it' that this is & will effect his marriage & future family hopes.

You and him should talk to a marriage counselor, or social worker. Tell them what's going on. Maybe they can guide you.
Also, try to get a caregiver for dad.

Dad can go to assisted living, or board and care. Hubby might be reluctant at first, but come around.
Convincing his dad might be harder. But you and hubby keep talking and have a third party help.

You are important. Big hug.

light - I feel for you. You really get cheated. Recently, there was a poster in almost the same situation as yours. I think you can relate to her post and the replies from others too. Here's the link to that post.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-didnt-sign-up-for-this-living-with-mil-and-i-hate-it-i-want-to-run-away-is-that-my-only-option-462326.htm?orderby=recent�