After taking care of my Mother for 18 months, the stress caused my marriage to unravel. At this point, my Mom's cancer had returned and it was agreed nothing could be done. I rented a place (in my Mom's name, I am but a temporary tenant here) and we began cohabitation in June 2013.

She was given 6-12 months to live last October. I finally brought in hospice 3 days ago, thinking they would be helpful. What seems to be more the case, however, is they are now further tying my burnt out wings but telling me I must NEVER leave my mother alone again. No daily trip to the dog park, no running to get groceries without having arranged a 'babysitter'.

This FEELS like instead of help, I've just been placed in a very unfair position of not just spending 22 hours a day in this hell hole, but must schedule any tiny event, lest I be accused of 'Elder Abuse'.

To make matters worse, because my mother keeps it 90 degrees in the house, I find myself stuck in my bedroom, door shut w/ windows open so I can attempt to breathe. It is not uncommon for me to wear headphones while on my computer as that is the only way I am able to enjoy music.

Our furnace is very loud. It runs non stop. Both mine and my mother's bedroom doors are shut. My mom has a very puny voice, but often has the TV blaring and tends to 'talk to it'. She's the poster child for what they call 'branded'. She see's things in commercials and feels she must have them.

The hospice people want me to place a baby monitor in her room so I can LISTEN to this garbage and she can inform her 'slave' (me) that she needs something. But what's happening is I get to hear ALL the crap going on in there and she's not just treating me like a slave but actually called me 'her nigger'. Yeah.

I have been caretaking for her now since November 2011. It appears, because I was foolish enough to participate in this capacity, I am now legally liable for her every moment of the day. She can still get around mind you, uses a walker. And I get that it's not wise to have her cooking or doing laundry or housekeeping.

But to tell me that despite them being paid and under contract that I am legally responsible with no rights because Caretakers are not a 'protected class' seems beyond comprehension.

I live in Oregon. They do not seem to have any laws governing Caretakers. An out of state lawyer told me it is not uncommon for a state w/o laws to borrow from a close one, California being the example, to follow what's on their books.

Under that scenario, if ANYTHING happens to my mom while in what we seem to now calling 'my custody', I could be charged with Elder abuse.

Does ANYBODY have an experience or advice in this manner? My mother has worn me out with her hateful, verbal abuse. She has done unspeakable things to my coffee and toothbrush.

I thought I was going to get help for BOTH of us when Hospice entered the picture. But it appears they just gave my Mother total ownership of me. And I've no idea how to extract myself or at least regain autonomy.

Thoughts anyone?

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I am very sorry that hospice feels like more of a burden than a help. It is not usually that way! What they told you, though, is the same thing any professions coming in to assess Mom would have told you: Your mother is not to be left alone. Since you have taken on responsibility for her care that means you have to find someone else to be with her when you go to the dog park, for groceries, out to coffee, etc. You can ask hospice how much time they can cover with her each week and how to best schedule your own time away. You can ask them how/where to find someone to sit with Mom. Generally they are very helpful within the constraints of their role.

Probably when you signed up for hospice you signed something acknowledging that hospice has to be called first before you call an ambulance or take her to an ER. I fear you will have Medicare coverage problems if you don't abide by that. You can withdraw from hospice at any time.

Mother can be on hospice at home, in a nursing home, or in a hospice facility. You do not have to live with her. You do not have to agree to continue to be her hands-on caregiver. But if you are acting as her caregiver, then you do have to arrange care 24 hours a day.

Since this is putting such a huge stress on you, why don't you arrange for her to go to a facility. Talk to the hospice social worker about this. Helping you with that is a service they can provide.
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Taking her to the ER is probably the only solution. If she is ill enough call an ambulance and don't go with her. Tell Hospice after the fact. Don't tell the Emts she is a hospice patient. You will have to stand up to abuse and bullying from the hospital and the ER and they may threaten to call an ambulance to bring her home. Leave the house and stay with a friend till she is placed somewhere. the Hospice may not have an inpatient facility and she is probably not yet bad enough to be admitted there. make sure the hospice and the hospital can get in touch with you on your cell phone but don't tell them where you are staying. as sunflo said they will do everything they can to send her back to you. Keep away till she is placed. Tell them you have pneumonia, a broken leg, anything you like they can't see you to check. be strong say NO we are all behind you. It has been done on this site before. Do it, the worse that could happen is you get her back. they can't arrest you, you left her in a safe place.
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There are 2types of Hospice, at home and at facility.
When you start either hospice, you (for the patient) signed an agreement, it gives up some rights of before you drop off mom are an ER, make sure (a) you did not assume financial responsibility and or (b) that the ERwould still be covered.
I do not know it is not, but certainly worth checking.

My dad did at home hospice, and yes they required a family member OR caregiver to be present. Hospice provided 24 x 7 care until the patient was stable and once death was eminent, we expected to have a gap, so we hired private caregivers around the clock. I work, was very involved but not present 24 hours, and mom could not handle it. Another wrinkle.....the private agency also require a relative be present....My mom was present, she was unable to physically care for him, but her presence while I was at work met the requirement.

I believe your more humane and logistically practical option is to talk to the hospice, most of them have a facility and have her transferred.....they will do this. You can visit at the facility, they are in no hurry to release her, hospice can be extended, it is highly unlikely she will get better, even if she at best stalls.
You can visit the facility, but won't be tied to her deathbed.
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You are liable to make sure she has care set up in your absence. Since you can't do this anymore or don't want to, if the dr can't extend hospice recommending she move into hospice residential facility then it sounds like you will need to find some residential facility that can care for her such as a NH that she can afford or takes in the indigent. She can use her estate to pay for it.

As others suggest, you can drop her in ER then refuse when they want to discharge her to you. Trust me, you will have drs, social worker, etc bullying you to accept discharge and custody of mom. Don't do it, let them find her a bed in a care facility and they can when pushed but will always try to discharge patient to family or back to their home if they can.

Hard to do. See if you can get the dr or aging services to help you sort thru options for placement of mom ASAP. Lastly, are there any funds, estate that can be used to get full or part time home care for mom?
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A facility or the ER would seem to be the best solution. She sounds very narcissistic and will never be pleased. If she goes into hospital you can tell them she cannot come back home as you are unable to care for her. They are obliged to find her a placement as far as I understand.
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Thank you pstegman. That actually sounds like the most reasonable solution. I was told by that out of state atty to NOT just move out of here and leave her, but to drop her at the ER, which despite her being an awful person seems to park me in the 'awful person' camp as well. But this has gone on far too long.

I think the biggest hurdle here will be that Hospice told me that if she doesn't exhibit signs of deterioration over the next 90 days, they take her OFF Hospice. So what becomes of her at that point, I do not know. She seemingly has the worlds laziest cancer. Nobody thought she would survive the first go round over 2 years ago.

Thank you.
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Move her into a Hospice facility, with a recommendation from her MD. You are the classic example of someone who takes custody and subsequently realizes they can't do the work of three shifts of nurses. Start by talking to her doctor and social worker if she has one.
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