Can only take it in small amounts at a time. How do others tolerate it?

As your mother gets older and needs 24-hour care, are you going to be the plan for that?

I also keep my interactions with my mother and father brief. Most of my interactions are task oriented. I don’t hang around to shoot the breeze. If I visit it’s usually when an aide is present. My mother will put on her social facade and behave better if someone else is present. My father really doesn’t want to engage in chitchat anymore so I don’t converse aside from superficialities.
Conversations almost always go someplace miserable and I’m afraid I will say something I will regret so I leave.

I can only (barely) stand brief visits as well. My 96-year-old mother does not have dementia, but her hearing has gotten really, really bad. She had expensive hearing aids, but would not put in the time to adjust to them, never wore them, and SURPRISE, eventually her hearing deteriorated past the point where hearing aids would even do any good. All her own fault, due to stubbornness, not dementia.

She still lives independently, an hour away. When enough guilt builds up, say every couple of weeks, I drive over for lunch or a (short) visit, and from the minute I walk in the door, I feel like a caged animal desperate to flee. First, I have to turn OFF the blasting TV, otherwise I’d go deaf myself from the top volume. Then I start in with the usual banalities, which I have to practically SCREAM, and even then, she says, “What??” every other sentence. We “converse” (if you can call it that) about the exact same boring things we’ve been covering for the past couple of decades. It’s exhausting, maddening, and frustrating for us both.

I put a few things in her freezer that I’ve brought. I ask if she needs anything from the grocery store (she still drives, but going to the store would give me an excuse to take a break from the screaming). Then we run out of things to say/scream, and I say goodbye. Utterly wrung out, headachy, and grumpy.

It would almost be easier if she DID have dementia. Then we could sell her house, put her somewhere that accepts Medicaid, and spend down until that kicked in. But she is capable of ADLs, so—what? Even if she could remotely afford it, how long would she last, realistically, in IL, before needing AL, then…? Other than her hearing, she’s apparently made of hickory, and could well make it past 100, hemorrhaging $$$!

I have a sister who is MUCH closer to her, much fonder of her, and I keep hoping sister will invite her to move in, should things degenerate, as they are bound to do one day. But sister’s husband would put the kibosh on that scheme, no doubt, and who could blame him? Oh, dear.

These visits would be more bearable if I could have a couple of drinks beforehand, or better yet, while I am there. But the hour’s drive home…maybe next time I’ll hire an Uber, and stop by Le Wine Shoppe on the way…

It’s exhausting being a caregiver. You sound like you need a permanent break from the ‘hands on’ care. Have you looked into placing your mom into a facility?

It's hard. I also tell myself I should be able to have longer visits with my mom but I just can't. The complaining. The inability to answer questions. I used to dread taking her in the car - I had NOTHING to say. Or if I did find something to say, she wouldn't respond or wouldn't hear me. UGH. Oh yes and the same questions until you want to scream. OK, I already answered that twice since I got here so do we realllly have to talk about it again??

I felt bad for my mom that I didn't want to spend more time with her. Caregivers are the solution to this. They come and doted on her for the hours they were here, as well as doing the chores and things for her that needed doing. It was so good for her. Try to line someone up at least twice a week for a couple hours. That will help your guilt and be good for your mom.

I think we have all been there. It was one of the early signs to me that something was very wrong with my mom...We lived at a distance, and I phoned weekly to talk to her. I noted over time that our phone conversations became her basically saying the same exact thing every time we talked. If I tried to change the topic, she would pause as if in confusion and then start in again at the point she left off, as if it was a memorized script that could have no deviation. And every once in a while she'd talk about something that made no sense. When the delusions started, getting lost while driving or out walking...then the terror set in. Now that I'm cleaning out her house, I've noted most of the pans are scorched on the bottom. And there are some family keepsakes that are missing (our 1 year old baby portraits being #1 on my list). She was fixated on "cleaning out" her house, and I know it was her. She even shredded all her insurance policies, the house deed, the car title...yet she will claim that items were stolen, someone must have moved or taken things, etc.

I moved her into a memory care. Every time I visit, it's almost the same...she's visiting with her lady friends, having the same conversation they were the last time I visited, as if they are living in a real life "Groundhog Day" movie. At least she's getting socialization instead of telling store clerks and strangers in the store line that she's a widow and lives alone now, attending activities and art classes and doing fun things...easily confirmed because I see her in photos on their Facebook page, smiling and participating. And no more paying money and gift cards to scammers. I couldn't get her to stop. And now I'm having to clean up the financial mess and angry at the money that was wasted over the years (because I also found out this started when my dad was alive - he passed away almost 3 years ago - and the money paid to scammers makes me want to cry).

Do what you need for your own mental and emotional health. I limit my visits to twice a week max. More than that is just too much and too depressing, especially when she gets on her kick of "I hate it here, there isn't enough to do, I miss my house, I was doing OK at my house" (and no, she wasn't, but she doesn't understand that what was going on was dangerous). I live less than 10 minutes away and could easily visit daily, but I don't. It isn't good for me, and I can't properly take care of her business if I am not in the right frame of mind. I'm learning to just let her yammer on about whatever and simply interject an Ok or "that's interesting" every once in a while, or occasionally ask a question if there's something I need to know. Protect yourself. That's the only way you will be able to protect her.

I totally relate to the feeling of nothing to talk about, wanting to have longer visits and yet not feeling like you can stand it. I agree with the answers below that suggest placement. Also, I don't know if this will help you because you are already in and out all day (!). But one thing that works for me is taking Mom for a drive. Put her in the car, turn the classical station up loud, and drive around for a while. The music removes the need to make conversation, but you can always point out the sights, and my mom will comment on the scenery. It's the only relaxing thing I've been able to come up with to do with her; everything else is incredibly stressful. Maybe an idea for after you have found an AL or MC for her; my mom is in one now. Having her live next door would never have worked out for us.

There's nothing good about dementia, as anyone who deals with it can tell you. Nothing good for the patient, obviously, and nothing good for the family who does the caregiving and has to deal with the angst and agitation that normally goes hand in hand with the dementia. Nobody is a 'saint' that deals with their loved one who suffers from dementia; we all just did and do the best we can out of love and compassion for them. Frustration sets in for all concerned, too, due to the fact that we're all human. It's very difficult to watch our mother's fade away and turn into strangers before our eyes, to lose them to a wretched disease that strips them of all the vitality they once had lots of, but are now devoid of entirely. Be glad your mother thanks you repeatedly for what you're doing for her; most do not. Most cuss and complain at us, reminding us of what we are NOT doing or insist that we take them home, or that we're hiding their dead loved ones in closets somewhere, preventing them from being seen.

It sounds like your mother could use some socialization, like funkygrandma said, which would be found in a Memory Care AL, along with entertainment and caregivers who genuinely enjoy caring for elders with dementia. My mother truly loved her 'girls' as she called them, and they brightened her life on a daily basis. The parade of caregivers in and out of her room during the last week of her life was a testament to that. While my patience would have worn out in a few hours, theirs was unlimited since they all worked in shifts to accomplish what we'd be trying to do alone.

Think it over. It may be best for both of you.

Wishing you the best of luck.

It really sounds like your mother and you would benefit more from her being placed in a memory care facility, where she would receive the 24/7 care she requires, be around other people her age, have activities to do/attend, and you can get back to just being her child and advocate.
Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and that's ok, but you have to know when to say enough is enough and do what's best for your mother and for yourself.
Best wishes in finding the right facility for your mother.