Husband won't help me. Any suggestions?

I skimmed you posts starting back to March. You mention in one post Dad has Parkinsons and Moms Dementia is causing her to lash out. Then u allow Moms friend to move in? You have put too much responsibility on yourself. Its hard enough caring for a LO with Dementia let alone two. And Parkinson Dementia can cause a person to be volatile.

Its time to talk to an elder lawyer to have your parents placed in LTC. Not an AL, they need LTC. If they have no money, then you apply for Medicaid. You cannot continue to go on like this. I actually sympathize with ur husband. He virtually has 3 strangers living in his house.

The friend...if she has family they need to be notified that she is showing signs of Dementia and you cannot care for her. They need to make plans on how she will be cared for. If they do not step up to the plate, then call APS and give them the numbers of her family. Tell them the woman needs care that you cannot provide.

You have options, take advantage of them or it could be your marriage. Your husband should be #1.

"Husband won't help"

OK. Time to arrange other help then.

What is preventing you from doing that?

Did you take THREE elders into you and your husband's home and decide to care for all of them, with SO MANY health issues going on??? You didn't do this in a vacuum.....DH knew you were moving these people into his home, what did he have to say about it at the time? Did he agree to do hands on care that he's now reneged on? Why should your sister be responsible for doing hands on care? She wasn't the one who invited her folks with dementia to live in her home!

You're in way over your head, it sounds like, and expecting help and support from people who may not have wanted this burden on them in the first place. Unless your DH was 100% on board with taking care of dementia riddled elders inside of his home, you can't expect him to be all gung-ho about it. And, even if he agreed with moving them in, seeing these dementia behaviors up close and personal now is a whole different ball of wax!

Your parents are in their 70s. My mother lived to 95, dad to 91. Are you prepared and capable of caring for them for the next decade or more? And if so, at what cost to you and your marriage? I am an only child so I had nobody to rely on for help. It was set in stone that my parents would move into managed care and that I'd be their advocate and manage their lives for them. When mom developed dementia, she went into Memory Care Assisted Living because she needed a team of people working 24/7 to properly see to her needs! Not me, alone, pretending to be Superwoman and insisting my husband help mom on the toilet or in the shower.

Hire help. Place your parents together in Memory Care Assisted Living. Rid yourself of the notion that it's your job or your DHs job or your sisters job to care for all these elders at home alone. It's not possible, which is what you're finding out.

Hold up the white flag of surrender now and tell DH you need help figuring out how to get these elders out of your house now and into managed care. Take your lives back asap, that's my suggestion. Good luck to you.

2 people with dementia need clinical care, neither your husband or sister have an obligation to join you as a caretaker, that was your choice.

Suggestion, start looking for a home to place them in so that you can regain your life.

Your profile says you took this on. Was he consulted when you decided this? You just can't assume someone will or even should help. We all make our choices and his is not to be involved. How does he get along with your parents? How much time is this actually taking up? He obviously does not want to devote his life to the care of your parents and quite frankly you shouldn't either. If they need more care than running errands and assistance with paying bills (with their own funds), they need to look into managed care. You need to be their daughter, not their caregiver.

Every adult is free to choose what they will and won’t do. You’ve chosen to provide a high level of care. Your husband and sister have not. Accept their choices. The questions become, how long do you see yourself able to keep up what you’re doing? What further help are you willing to hire? Is this sustainable without negative consequences to your health and relationships?

You are not going to be able to force your husband to care for your parents with you. I think it is time to have a long sit down talk with him about his expectations, and about whether or not he has other issues than the sheer exhaustive work of the day to day. I think you may find that this is not working for him, and that your marriage is no longer working for him. You might consider some counseling. But the truth is that if you are not able to handle this on your own, (and honestly, who COULD), that it is time for your parents to enter care. I know the difficulty of such a decision, but there does come a time. You won't change others and their determination not to participate. I am so sorry.

If it is your husband that will not help then you need to change your expectations.
Hire caregivers that can help out with some things. (Your parents should pay for the caregivers NOT you or your husband.)
These are your parents not his so "expecting" him to help is maybe a bit much. Frankly "Expecting" anyone to help is a bit much. You do it because you want to. Or for some reason feel you have to.
Caring for 1 person with dementia is a full time job. Taking care of 2 parents with dementia AND a host of other medical problems is more than 1 person should be doing.
I am sure your husband might be feeling a bit "put out" the fact that both his in laws have moved into his house and are taking your time and some attention from him.
As their care needs increase are you going to be able to care for both of them safely?
Hiring caregivers can help a lot.
If they are able to participate finding an Adult Day program for 1 or both of them can be a game changer in the amount of work that you do. It gives them a break, you a break and provides some stimulation for them.
And when their care becomes more than you can handle looking into Memory Care for them where they will be safe, will have 24/7 care is not a failure on your part but acknowledging that their care is ore than you can manage at home.

Not clear whose husband won't help. Could you explain a bit more please.

Need more info about your husband. As well as your expectations for him yourself and your situation. How long you've been caring for your parents. Your mother's friend is there too, how does that factor into the family dynamics?