Can I just say no?

Aquacrush - you are my hero!! You made sure your grandma is taken care of with the level of care she needs, you got out of indentured servitude, you are going to kick a$$ in the interview, and you have some housemates glad to have you. Post again to let us know how you are doing.

Oh Aquacrush such good news.

You are going to kick it in the job interview.

Your grandmother sounds like a lovely lady. And your mom, well she can be mad, it's not going to change anything for you.

Great big hug!

So, so happy for you!
You have made so much progress in such a short period of time.

Hold on to that conversation with your Grandma. I think you will find it helps as time goes on. When someone dear to you has those moments of lucidity, when they get to express the “real” them and how they feel deep down under the dementia, those moments are a great gift. They give you clarity on your own path... which sounds like it fits with Gma’s impact on your life in the past:)

It will also give you strength as you stay the course.

So many good wishes on the job. Whether it is this opportunity or another, I have a feeling you will be snapped up by an employer looking for a sharp, articulate person who is competent and dedicated.

Good for you and your Grandmother! So many people come on this site for help and guidance and never follow through..good luck with your future!

Aquacrush? May I just say ...

WOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!

You're an inspiration. So's your Grams.

Update July 23: Grams is officially in a care facility! I did go up to help her get settled in, took her some clothes/ personal belongings, and talked to her (she was fairly lucid) about what was going on. She said she understood, loved me, and said as long as I was safe and taken care of, that she was happy. I don't know how long/ much she will remember from day to day, but it brought me peace.

They also got the medicaid paperwork started, and said it normally takes about 45 days to kick in, but will back pay to the application date. Ive spent the last few days packing/ moving. My mother definately isn't happy about her sudden responsibility, but I honestly feel like the entire world has been lifted off of my back for the first time.

I have an interview for a job this Wednesday, and with a good set of skills and a few years of experience, I should have a pretty good chance. If hired, I would start at 14.50/hr, which around here is one of the higher pay grades for a non-degree job. (For context, average rent in my area is 200-400/mo. )

Thank you all so much again for your love and advice. I don't know if I could have mustered the courage to stand up for myself without it.

You are correct that you have no "say" in her care - and because you are NOT her POA, you are NOT responsible for taking care of her or orchestrating her healthcare decisions. You are NOT legally obligated to take care of your ailing grandmother. Please put your foot down and set boundaries NOW.

So, just say NO to your family and refuse to care for her - for both of your safety! You are correct that is unsafe to be expected to care for a partially paralyzed dementia patient. She needs to be in a nursing home at this point.

It appears that you are a female granddaughter. If the tables were turned and you were a MALE, do you believe that you would be "expected" to take care of your ailing grandmother? I think not.

Could you get your own doctor to offer an evaluation on you that would be more supportive of your situation? You know yourself and you're not being given much credit for this.

I have been subject to the same harassment in times past and one person can't take care of a patient 24/7 like they are insinuating.

To Aquacrush: Glad you made that good decision for your life. God bless you and give you courage, strength and the freedom to live your life. Mom and hospital will have to take care of grandma. jdevorah1

I have read through the comments, so I know that OP has refused care-giving via notarized letter and moved out. Good for OP! Please also try to let any guilt they might continue to lay on you roll off like raindrops. You have not done anything to be guilty for, they have! They are wrong to even ASK you to do this, and ogres for telling you that you must do this and/or suggesting YOU are the problem. You are not.

The only concern I have is in the original post you said "...be told the same thing, without POA, I have no say in her care." I would agree that you have no say in her care, but that is NOT the same as saying you are responsible for or can be appointed to be her caregiver. I don't care if it is your mother (POA manages medical and financial issues, but does NOT have the power to enslave you or even appoint you as the designated care-giver!), the doctors, the hospital staff and/or social worker - NONE of them has any business saying that YOU must care for her.

As for you leaving her home before she returns - how can that be neglect? She isn't even there to be neglected!! It isn't abuse either - you can't abuse or neglect someone who isn't there. Getting out prior to her return was the best plan. Having wonderful friends is better than family!

You also mentioned "I do get medicaid with a work exemption (caring for a family member fullfills the work requirement because it is documented by her PCP) so I will have that until I start working a "normal" job." I would ABSOLUTELY terminate this, effective at least the date you moved out, if not before. You have not been caring for her since she was hospitalized and since you won't be caring for her when they "discharge" her, then you need to terminate any payment. You can't wait until you have a normal job - they can come after you to pay back any payments made after you relinquished care duties.

Good luck in building a new life for yourself! Be sure to at least visit grandma now and then, wherever it is they end up placing her if you can - sounds like no one else will, she needs a familiar friendly face once in a while!

I am glad that you made some needed decisions. Good for you!

Congratulations for making some fabulous decisions for yourself. Good luck..

Congrats on you for setting boundaries!! It is so good to read an update from a poster and that they have taken all the advice to heart and made a change. You are me of the few I’ve ever read on here to do this. Best of luck to you in the future!

Move out now! Move out before the 21 days are up. Go visit friends or take a road trip..if you have a car & gas money.

If there is no one at home things will change. If competant, your GM can refuse discharge & appeal to Medicaid Ombudsman that they want to discharge her into an unsafe environment.

I used to bring alcoholics to ER for admission to rehab. If we stayed, as soon as their blood alcohol dropped they would discharge to me..the ride provider...not admit. One time we took...with patients knowledge..their boots and left. Hard to justify discharging a person in mid-winter at 3am with no shoes. She got admitted.

This is an analogy bit it works. I had sudden onset kidney disease, level 3, & they were going to send me home on diuretics. I refused based on it being unsafe. I was so swollen I could barely move, much less rush to the bathroom in the middle of the night....plus my leg was in an orthopedic boot. The head ER doc was greatly relieved as he saw how sick I was. Based on what happened in the following week, I would have died had I gone home.

Our system wants to dump the seriously ill on anyone with a pulse because if they don't, they legally Must keep her until she is safe to go home alone and care for herself.

Completely, 100%, your choice.

Follow your dreams, do what brings you joy and care for others only when it is your idea.

Wow, aqua crush! The youth of a 27-yr. old with the kindness, caring and wisdom of someone much older. Congratulations and have a happy life!!!

This is not selfish! It is self-preservation. Seriously. And who said you could be arrested for not doing this? That is absolutely not true; it's one of those "I can't believe someone would stoop so low as to say that" moment !!!

No one can force you. Don't worry about that. O f course they can guilt trip you, and make you feel obligated. I think maybe you should talk to your mother and work something our. It's her mother and she is POA. This is her responsibility. Good luck.

Aquacrush, your awesome updates literally made me cry. Reading the "plot" unfold was like watching a suspenseful, tension-filled movie where the heroine battles through and bursts forth triumphantly FREE, and all of us still "imprisoned" wildly cheer for her successful escape!!! Cheering for YOU!!! May you have many strong and brave and wonderful days and years ahead! A HUGE bear hug from here!

Grandchildren are not responsible for caring for their grandparents when the children (your mother) is still alive and has POA. It's OK for you to tell your mother that you would like to move on with your life. Hopefully you can visit your grandmother for social visits. I know you will help out if you can, but you are not the one who has primary responsibility.

PLEASE READ THE UPDATE:

Aquacrush
Jul 17, 2019
Not sure how else to update, so I guess this is as good as any. 

I honestly wish I could thank everyone who responded individually, but I wouldn't know what to say except thank you a million times over. I was crying yesterday reading everyone's replies, and felt a glimmer of freedom for the first time in so many years. Everyone's advice and strength gave me hope.

I called a family friend who is a notery, and explained the situation. With their help I drafted, and had noterized, several dated copies of a letter stating that I was no longer physically or mentally capable of caring for my grandma. That I felt, with the dramatic change in her health, it was a very unsafe situation, and that releasing her back to her home, would be very dangerous as she would be there alone. 

Luckily the laws here provide me some protection (because I have lived there for more than 2 years) and I added that I would be moved out within 3 weeks. This allows me to at least have several applications/interviews lined up, if not a job by the time I leave. 

I gave one copy to my mother (suprised pikachu face meme), one to the hospital my grandma is currently in, and one to the facility they were originallu going to send her to. I also kept a copy for myself, along with 1 extra copy incase it is needed later for a different facility/ lawyer (yes even after all this the threats of neglect contenue) 

The ensuing chaos has admittedly given me some form of grim satisfaction, as the facility they were originally going to send her to was short term only, and cannot accept her without a home care plan. The hospital is now forced to look into other options, and has already contacted my mother about medicaid, assests, ect. 

I know one person asked about assests as well, wondering if maybe my mother was after some of her belongings/ money. I can honestly say she has next to nothing. She gets around $1000 a month in social security, no other retirement fund, and a mobile home as old as I am that has fallen into disrepair over the years (nothing unsafe/ unsanitary, just normal old trailer wear/ tear) she does have a life insurance policy, with me as sole beneficiary, but does not come to full term until next year (I have already checked with them and one of the conditions of her policy is that if she is placed in LTC, it is considered paid) and from what I was told, cannot be taken by medicaid because it is not "real or personal property" 

I stayed with the friend I will be living with, and had a long discussion with him and his family. We have been close for almost 10 years, and his family is amazing to me. His dad is happy that I will be staying, and joked that I could live there for the rest of my life, in exchange for one homecooked meal a week. (he and his dad both work with heavy machinery/ mobile cranes and work insane hours, mostly living off fast food/ microwavables.) They are setting up two/ three rooms for me, a bedroom, plus a spare room for an office/ art room/ ect of my choosing, connected by a bathroom inbetween them. 

I am overwelmed by everyone's kindness and advice. I know I still have a long road ahead, both in looking for a job and moving, as well as re-learning many social skills and reforming a support system. I hope that over time I can move past this, that my grandma will forgive me, and that I can learn to live normally, away from the entitled, hectic world I have known for so long.

Thank you again so much for all of your love and advice, and I will update again when I am able/ if something new happens.

Helpful Answer (33)

Yes. You have every right to walk. I'd be looking for your own place. Do you have a full time job? If not I'd be getting one asap.
Tell them you are not doing this. You are the boss of your own life not the reverse. Stand firm and strong and do not budge.
Now, on the flip side of things.
IF you do not have a job and you're freeloading off of Grandma living there for free, snarfing her food and doing a bunch of nothing, you either need to get your SH*T together and help or get your SH*T together and leave.
I hope you are the former and not the ladder.
This will only happen if you let it. Now you go girl!

OP replied on the 17th that she made everyone involved, even the hospital, that she will not be caring for her grandma. She has also found a place to live with friends.

Can they really dump full responsibility on me with no recourse? NO THEY CANNOT. Remind them that because your not your grandmother's POA there's nothing you can do to help her. Move out! Now!

Every answer here is the same- move out, and do it now. You are not responsible for Grandmas care. It does not mean you love her less. In fact, it may be the best thing you can do for her. No grandmother would want her granddaughter to stop her life to care for her. Go out, live your life. Don’t forget to visit her but you’ve done enough. It’s time your Mother took her POS seriously and found an answer for Grandmas care that is not you. God knows you’ve earned a life of your own. Good luck. And don't feel guilty. You need to be proud that you have given 16 years to caregiving-more than most people do in their entire lives.

If your mother is threatening to have you arrested, then she IS NOT your friend and you need to STAY AWAY from her.

Yes. You can ALWAYS say NO.
No ifs, ands or buts about it. We have free choice and can always say no.

This reminded me of the time my mom (who was in her 70's and not well, probably had undiagnosed Parkinson’s at the time—later was diagnosed), was told she would be responsible to care for her elderly sister in her 90's whose body was literally shutting down. She had been in assisted living not far from my mom and was moved to the hospital due to her medical conditions. Mom called me in near tears to say that she was being told by the hospital staff and the folks at the A.L. that she would have to take her sister home to her house to care for her.

I immediately contacted the hospital Social Worker and explained that my mom was not well herself, and could in no way care for her sister at the level of care that would be required. They needed to figure something else out if they planned to release her. My aunt never was released to my mom’s care as they had supposedly planned. She was still at the hospital becoming weaker and weaker, and she eventually died there. I don’t know how many days total she was hospitalized, but I do know that a person can say “no” in good conscience when asked to care for a loved one.

You’re the same age as my middle daughter. Never would I want her to care for her frail, dementia, brittle-diabetic grandma (who does deserve great care, better than what I or my daughter could provide)! Of course, I’m coming from a totally different background and mental capacity than your own mom (so sorry about her lack of love and care for you).

Get on with your life! As many posters have stated it, you will show your greatest love to your grandma by having her cared for by others. (It likely will not be care provided by your mom, and that’s good—even though she is POA.) You cannot be forced to provide care. Social services can get her placed. The hospital will work with this once they know there is no one at home to care for grandma.

Please let us know how you are. Hugs from a mom with a 27 year old daughter!

Yes, you absolutely can say no. You must not sacrifice your life for Grandma or the rest of your abusive sounding family - they realize they can guilt you into doing this. You MUST put them on notice, after you pack up and find another place to live...you deserve happiness and to live as a young person does. And the years fly by, secure your own future now. Let go of the guilt...it’s ok. And remember it doesn’t mean you don’t love her, but you have to let go. Be well.

I'm a RN and caregiver. If mom has POA then get out NOW while you have the chance. Once you get POA then you are the responsible party. NOW. Move, say No and mean it. As a nurse and caregiver to my mother, I am 67 , it does give me a sense of purpose , but I'm much older. LIVE! get a husband, a kid , a career a life, do not spend it on your grandma unless you want to be saddled for years. Once grandma goes, then mom is next. Get it?