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My father comes from a family history of violence & mental health issues. Without going too much into my family's dirty laundry my father has always been controlling, violent & emotionally abusive & physically abusive to my mom throughout the marriage. My sister & I have been there for him for the past 3 years since my mother died for "her" sake not our fathers because we felt she wouldn't want him alone.


He recently hurt himself, we got him hospital care then therapy in a nursing home. At the end of his therapy the doctor felt he was unable both physically & mentally able to care for himself in the home. It was time to get more help then we could provide a couple days a week anymore & neither one of us are able to provide 24/7 care personally because of his nature. We can't afford private care or I wouldn't even be writing this.


My father was going to leave the nursing home A.M.A. & I invoked the medical PA so he would wait, get more care & hopefully in his next doctor eval he could leave with home healthcare ordered by a doctor.


The doctor has agreed to let him go home with home health ordered after the occupational therapist goes through with my father at his home to evaluate any further devices etc.. he might need (reacher, sockaide etc..).


He is in the hospital now because of an existing condition but schedule to return to the nursing home long enough to set up the last steps to get him care.


Now he is going to refuse to go back because his crazy sibling has advised him not to & dad believes the water in the nursing homes air is killing him. I agree he can't stay any longer anyway otherwise he wont be financially able to pay the bills this winter.


I can't take anymore incredibly nasty insults, threats, crazy accusations and demands. Let alone from his crazy siblings getting involved that haven't been in his life for 40yrs it's just too much!


If this all goes south I'll have to drop the medical PA or he wont be able to afford to live when / if he does leave but I also can't because then I would be sending him home in a situation a doctor doesn't feel he is safe in without care and be legal responsible when he does something stupid.


I don't have the means to help him and at this point. I would love to just walk for my own mental health and let him live out the miserable, hateful life he seems dead set on finishing his story with.


No matter what I decision I make I seem S.O.L. & if my father stays at the nursing home longer or comes home AMA he's S.O.L. & that gets to be my fault as well.


Any advice on any part of this long drawn out post would be appreciated.

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First off you shouldn't provide and money for his care, if he cannot afford to self pay then have him apply to Medicaid. Secondly, if he is that abusive and you have his durable POA you can rescind it at any time, easy enough to do.

I would back out of this circus, let him do whatever he wants to do, be done with him.
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Reply to DollyMe
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I would first of all consult with the lawyer who drew up the POA about what your legal responsibility is if your father does something stupid. If you had guardianship, that would be different.

But I digress; I don't think that your "being there" for your dad is going to get him anything; in fact, the idea that there is a responsible adult child in the background is going to make many a social worker assume that you are willing to sacrifice your family, your mental health and your retirement to do either hands on care or management of your recalcitrant father.

Is her going to slistent to ANYHTING you say? He is going to believe the crazy conspiracy theories of his sibling and do whatever he pleases. It sounds as though there is long standing mental illness going on and that does not bode well for the future.

Stepping aside and allowing the State to take over as guardian when he becomes incompetent will actually in many cases get him better care than if you remain closely involved.

Oh, you'll read a lot of sad stories about elders whose "freedom" and autonomy was taken from them by State guardians, but in many of the "sad" cases, you find that the elder has serious issues with safety and self-care and although they can no longer hoard and set fires when the mood strikes them, they are actually cared for and have food and medical care.

I say step aside. Why did your mother stay with him?
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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It is nice that you've helped him out up to this point. If you're really stressed out and not feeling like you can do anything more, then you know, you really DON'T need to do anything more. You CAN be done. Cut and run, for your own mental health.

We really don't owe anything to anyone. Sounds like quite a toxic situation.

I'm not saying it would be easy to just bow out BUT I would seriously consider starting to extricate myself from this.

Best of luck.
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Reply to againx100
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