This back and forth stuff is crushing me emotionally, mentally and physically.

Mom has severe Dementia she's now under the belief that I can just drop her off at a nursing home and that will be that, I try to explain we don't have any money and that's not how things work in the real world, so now she's insisting I get my things and leave and at this point that doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Before all this she stole a bunch of money from me which has really left me without anything. I have the car signed over to me and I could just take the money from the bank account and go, I don't feel there's much of an option left for me, mom is off in some other dimension, I'm trying to wait for the Hospice Social Worker to call me back mom is trying to make her way upstairs.......... we don't have an upstairs, so she's wondering in circles wanting to get away from me until I leave.

I don't know whats going on we got into it this morning when she peed the bed yet again because she decided to remove her diaper and the protective pads from the bed and I asked 'why.?' that was 2:30am and it hasn't stopped yet and it's now 9:30am.

Family and friends keep telling me I need to worry about myself, but no matter how bad it's gotten I rarely think abandoning mom is the answer but maybe I don't have a choice, I obviously can't live like this much longer it feels like it's killing me, I'm going to hopefully hear from the Social Worker soon from Hospice.

Anyone got any thoughts........

Medicaid is not a great option as I have no nest egg because of my mother, I've spent every dime I've had in this house and paying her bills, she wiped me out, Medicaid will just finish me off...... Midnight move seems to be my only option.

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911 call to get her to the hospital. I would fib if I had to at this point, about violence and fear. They will not be impressed with "I am at a loss to know what to do". It must be a hard and fast reason to get her into the hospital. Once there you must tell them that you cannot receive her back into the home now as you are unable to care for her, and she needs much more than you can give her. You must get the doctor and Social Worker on this right away and you must FLAT OUT refuse to take her home. None of this "we will help you; we will send aids daily; we will make this work." That will last a week and you will be right back where you are. It is time for her now to be in placement. You said that you two got "into it" because she tore off her diaper and peed the bed. This is Alzheimer's. She is no longer in control of her functions and you are about to go crazy. It is time for placement and the easiest and fastest way to this is through social workers in hospital who can do in one day what you will work on months and never accomplish at all. You are basically going to have to abandon her in order to get her placed. It must NOT be "I don't want to take her back". It must be "I CAN NOT take her back; I am sorry, but I cannot physically or mentally do this. No argument and no discussion: Just "I cannot, I cannot, I cannot do it either physically or mentally and I will not do it. Do not leave with "the bank account unless the money is solely yours, or you will be jailed for abandonment and elder abuse.
Helpful Answer (1)
madhatter632 Jul 2019
Hospice is involved so everything has to go through them.
Just leaving in the state of Fla money or not is considered 'Abuse' something everyone that resides in Fla needs to be aware of before taking on this task.
She came home from the NH rehab center just over a week ago and I got Hospice involved 3 days later cause her personal doctor wasn't getting the job done, I did beg and plead with her doctor to readmit her to get her medications under control which of course he refused and wanted me to deal with dosing at home, Hospice has been spot on I have zero complaints with them at this point, contacted the Hospice Social Worker and we went over the options, then the Hospice nurse called in and finally the Hospice doctor getting her medications under control as we speak and if tomorrow everything is better Hospice is going to arrange a 5 day Respite and take that time to finalize mom's medications but they can't take her when she's acting out the way she was, I'm stuck with her for a few more days but hopefully the med change will calm her down.
I didn't know I was eligible for Respite so soon nor did I know it was 5 days every 30 I could take Respite.
The NH did a number on us and pretty much dumped her this way on me things started getting better once Hospice took mom off the Alzheimer's medications but today was her first outburst in a week.
Just knowing I can take 5 days off every 30 will help until I can rebuild a bit of my own cash flow then I'm going to place mom permanently, might take me a few months but it'll get done, I'm tiered of being treated like staff and dealing with a destroyed home, I'm taking every ones advise and looking out for myself but it will just take a bit of time before I can really do anything.
I have a feeling once she's back in the NH she's going to want to come back home before the 5 days is up but the SW said stay away once the Respite begins just drop her off and pick her up at the end and if they need anything they'll call, I advised my mother attempts to get the nurses to call home the SW stated she'd inform them to limit mothers phone time and no calls to the house except official calls for issues.
That's the best I can do for the time being mom has finally calmed down.
I fully admit I was not mentally prepared for all this cause when mom went into the NH rehab she wasn't anywhere near this bad off, 2 weeks later she had flipped and this is the person they sent me home with, even the nurses are a bit wowed by the dramatic sudden change, it's not unheard of but it's also not in the normal from what I'm being told.
My mother has always been Narcissistic in her nature though this seems to be seriously amplifying it.
I'm just hanging in there at this point and ignoring her insults which is all anyone can really do.

Just to let every one know my mother thinks she's in some kind of 'show' no one really knows what she's talking about but we all know it's the Dementia doing a number on her.
Too much TV time is my best guess.
Have you actually spoken to a Medicaid caseworker? I have heard that if a caregiver has lived in the house for X years that they will not try to force sale of the property and you could continue to live in it. This may vary by state.
But right now she is in such mental distress that I think a 911 call may be needed?
Helpful Answer (1)
madhatter632 Jul 2019
I've spoken to several SW's and Medicaid doesn't want this house it's on Leased Land and really I can't afford the lot fees in this place, heck mom can barely afford the lot fees, Hindsight is a thing, neither my mother or father ever asked how one could afford to continue to live here if something happened to the other, I guess they thought they would go together.?
She kept demanding I take her home, I kept telling her she was home but that never seemed to satisfy her she's confused.
911 will not help this is really a nightmare I went over all the options with the SW and it's simple I either self pay which is $7k to $10k a month or medicaid which leaves me penniless and broke because I went bankrupt paying for all the household expenses and covering my mothers overages in her bank account until I took over her finances, it's a long story but my mother duped me out of $8k to cover her spending habits before all this went down with promises of paying me back which by now you've probably figured she never paid me back so I'm out of any nest egg I may have had so this isn't a simple case of just drop her off and everything will work out, I wish it was that simple I wouldn't hesitate.
I've been a caregiver for 10+ years first my father and then before I could get my things together mom started to have issues but I never thought it was going to be like this or so quickly to be honest.
Knowing Respite is an actual option will help and I'll try and pickup work while mother is in the NH to rebuild my nest egg so I can escape all this madness at this point it's going to be a few days before they can place her for my Respite and hoping the med changes take affect to calm her down.
The last NH just starting feeding my mother medications to sedate her so they wouldn't have to deal with her I didn't know until 24 hours after bringing her home how out of whack they had all her medications and her personal doctor wasn't in any rush to lend a hand at getting the situation fixed for whatever the reason so I was left to my own until I got Hospice involved.
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