Ok. So I have my 73 yo mom with me, she has been with me for 20+ years now but her health continues to decline. I should also note that I also am in terrible health. Anyway, my problem is that with what my mom gets from SSI we are barely holding on financially. My oldest sister is doing very well (well is what I consider has her own business, never gets down to $10 for the week & goes on multiple vacations). I on the other hand haven't gone anywhere in years and it's because between taking care of my mom financially I can't afford it and also no one will come stay for any length of time. Anyway I don't really care about a vacation, it would be nice but really I just don't want to worry about my utilities getting turned off. Last time I asked for help I was given a very small amount & then told it's not her responsibility to help. My question is why is it all mine? Am I in the wrong for asking? I'm so stressed I don't sleep, every day gets worse..

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Lynn, my gosh your Mom is very young to be going through all of this for the past 20+ years. But I realize there are circumstances that can play into such a situation beyond our control.

A different set of eyes on the situation shows you have been enabling your Mom to live off of your kindness to help her out. Otherwise, if you weren't there, what would your Mom have done? I bet she would have found a way to live without needing money from her grown children. Then again, I don't know the whole story what caused your Mom to need to live with you when she was only in her 50's.

There are quite a few writers here on the forums who are your Mom's age, and are/were taking care of their own parent(s) who were in their 90's to 100's. I was one of them. I can't imagine you continuing this process with your Mom for the next 10 or 20 years. Chances are you couldn't.

Call your County offices or council on aging to see what programs they have available to help you and your Mom. If you are not on food-stamps, I believe it is called SNAP now, then see if you qualify. Also check to see if there are programs that will help pay something on your utilities.

I hope you are out in the working world, where your employer offers health insurance.
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I agree with just exactly what BarbBrooklyn has to say. Your Mom has lived with you for a long time, and apparently this was something that worked for you both. Now you are both in bad health it is more difficult. But it is not your Sister's responsibility, and it is something you chose to do. If you are now unable to do it due to your own health I think it is time to discuss that with your Mom. There is honestly no way to make someone who does not care, who is not willing to help do so. I think that you and your Mom are left to access all the help you possibly can for both of you if you choose to stay together as this will become increasingly more difficult as time goes on. So very sorry you are struggling, and things are so difficult. Reach out in any way you can to every agency you can. Visit churches as they often have outreach and suggestions for help in your own community. I hope there is some sort of friendship support around you both.
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Why has your mother lived with you since she was in her early 50s? Was she still not working and independent at that time?

Your mother's money should be paying for her living expenses. Is she paying you rent? Is she paying you for caregiving? Do you have a "caregiver agreement" with her?

Neither you nor your sister has any legal obligation to support your mom financially. You are kind to do so, but your sister is correct that you have taken this upon yourself; she isn't obligated.

Is your mother on Medicaid? Have you looked into having her placed, either in a facility or in income-based housing if she is still independent?

I know that this sounds 1. hard 2. cruel 3. awful. You are a good person for taking care of your mom, but you need to look to resources outside of your sister for your mom's care.
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