My dad passed away 2 years ago, mom moved in with me and my husband. She does not drive nor does she want to. She is an introvert and does not like to socialize. She is diabetic (#2) and suffers from high BP which she is taking medicine for. She is lazy and does not want to do anything on a physical level to better herself. Now she is having issues with blood circulation in her legs. She likes to sit around on her computer or phone all day and/or watch TV till 3:00 AM. She is not taking good care of herself. I don't require anything of her other then taking care of herself. She is a great cook so she cooks dinner 2-3 times a week and that's all. She is negative about everything and everyone including my brother and sister. I got so tired of her negative outlook on everything that I stopped having conversations with her because they are not worth anything to me. She just does not have anything nice to say about anyone. She is the happiest if you just leave her alone with her messed up lifestyle but NOT IN MY HOUSE. My dad fought with her for years on the same issues and she never wants to change. She is stubborn and stuck in her ways. She does not want to change and I can't see her health decline in my watch. I just got done taking care of my father two years ago and it was exhausting as he lost his battle with liver cancer at a young age of 67. Now, I am expecting my first child in July so I am done. I have tried to do everything and anything to help her change but nothing works for more then a week to 10 days. Now, I would like her to move in with my brother to elevate all that stress from my house. I got 7 weeks to go and I need to focus on me with my husband. Am I being selfish? I don't know what to do with her. HELP!

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If your mother is able to perform her activities of daily living (ADL’s), find her a low-income, or income based apartment. Send her out on her own. She apparently has never had to do anything for herself. First Dad took care of her, then you and now you want to ship her off to your brother where he will take care of her. You say she is happiest when on her own, so give her what she wants. It’s time for Mom to “grow up” and start being responsible for herself. If she lives on her own, she can totally do as she pleases. She will only have e to answer to herself. If she wants to be lazy, fine. If she wants to skip her meds, fine! There will be absolutely no one there to hound and push her. If she wants to eat, she will have to get on her tablet or computer and order grocery delivery or find public transportation and go out and get it...or, she doesn’t eat. She will have to (GASP!!!) do it HERSELF!!

Stop enabling your mother to be a slug and give her what she wants. Soon, you will have a new baby to love and take care of and you don’t need a Mom Baby as well.
Helpful Answer (8)

No you are not being selfish, she is.

Time for mom to move into senior income based housing and live life on her own terms. Unless your brother readily agrees to take her, please don't force him to. If there is a waiting list, get her on it, look for apts that she can afford. Your local area on aging will be able to give you a list of resources.

She will only get worse, our bodies were not created to be sedentary, that is why people that don't get up and move have physical issues. Obviously there are people that can't help that, I'm sure most would be happy to change places with your mom and be mobile. Hopefully she figures her blessings out before she loses them.

Congratulations on your upcoming blessing. Yes, it is a time for you and hubby and your new addition. Having anxiety right now is no good, mom knows this.
Helpful Answer (6)

She's 62 and acting like she's 90.

Shoot, I am 62, and the thought of horning in on one of my kids is impossible to contemplate.

Either kick her out to brother's or get her tucked away into a gov't subsidized apartment. Most of the ones I am aware of are close walking distance to a grocery store or 2, and if she's as disinterested in people as you say--she won't care that she's living in an 800 sf apartment. She'll have her TV and food and It sounds like that's all she cares about.

She could live 30 more years. As someone whose mother has been living with a brother for 23 years---he will tell you over and over that that was the worst mistake he ever made. Mother was an 'old' 66 when she moved in, she'll be 89 in a couple weeks. She wants to live to 100, and I bet she does.

And, NO GUILT, OK? My mom routinely guilts me into depression. She SAYS she worried sick about me all the time (I am battling cancer) but she NEVER EVER CALLS. I'm supposed to call/visit her and somedays I can barely do the basics of living. And it's going to be worse before it's better.

You need to be a whole, healthy family. You can't have that if someone so poisonous is living amongst you.
Helpful Answer (5)

As a widow, Mom could have started SS at 60. If she hasn't applied yet, she needs to. She can at 62. She should get approximately what Dad was getting. There is a formula, but it will be close.

Now, start looking for Senior apts subsidized by HUDD. They will charge Mom 30% of her income. She will be responsible for any cable or electric. There is transportation if needed. The rest of Moms income will go for food, ect. There are food stamps, food closets, etc. Office of Aging should have a list of resources they provide.

You have to tell Mom its not working. Your time will be need for your baby.
Helpful Answer (5)

NO! You are not being selfish. Mom is.
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If I were in your position I’d do my best to honor your fathers wish that you take care of her by finding a nearby condo/apt. in a senior community.. independent or assisted, whichever’s needed.

Unless your brother is able to give her a home. Is that what she’d like to do? Or would she prefer her own apartment?

How difficult for you to have to deal with this when your baby will be here soon! I hope it works out well for all of you. 🙂
Helpful Answer (4)

Perhaps sending her to your brother is a good move for several reasons. First, it will give your brother a good idea of what you have coped with and why you are going to refuse to take her back again. Second, it should get you both 'on the same page' for the future. Third, unless your brother is atypical (and I hope that it's not because he pushes it all onto a SIL) he like many men will crack sooner and harder, and not be plagued with guilt when he finishes the moves by sending her to independent living of some sort. Go for it!
Helpful Answer (3)

Thank you so much for all of your advice. It sounds harsh but I guess you guys are talking from experience so I have to respect. The fully thing is that no one wants to deal with her, my sister and brother are on the same page. She only picks up her phone if she needs something from them, otherwise she does not check on them and careless for their well being. I am waiting on them to make a decision soon so everyone can be happy. I know for sure that I am enabling her to do her best for herself and that is what bothers me.
Helpful Answer (1)
Ahmijoy Jun 2019
Well, you are enabling her, but not to “do her best”. You are enabling her to treat her children like second-class citizens, you are enabling her to not take responsibility for anything, especially herself. You are enabling her to expect everyone to do everything for her. If “no one wants to deal with her”, then she needs to not go live with another one of her children. As was said before, Mom needs a rude awakening. She is a grown woman. She has been married and borne and raised children. But, she’s being treated like an infant.

If if I were your brother and sister, I would not even consider bringing her into their home. I wouldn’t do that to my spouse. Mom needs to be setup in an apartment of her own and then treated like an adult instead of an “adult infant”.
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