I am saddened that my 93 year old mother insists I continue taking care of her because of all the years she sacrificed for me. I didn't ask to be born and that should have no bearing on me taking care of her now and doing so for the last 10 years. She inflicts guilt on me with these insensitive comments. At times, I don't want even want to do anything for her. I will never ask my son to care for me now that I see firsthand what a guilt trip parents can lay on their children. Everyone should be entitled to live their own lives and not feel guilty for the decisions they felt were right for themselves. My mother has Dementia but she's been saying this to me for years before Dementia set in. My only source of freedom is having caregivers for 4 hours 2 days a week. One of these caregivers is very good but she tells my mother I should be doing more for her like taking her out 2 or 3 times a week. This puts extra stress on me because I have a back injury due to a fall. When I do go out, I dread having to return home to more complaints. Any advice? Thank you for letting me vent.
You have been doing this for ten years! Enough! You have gone above and beyond and you need to get your life and freedom back. Forget her ridiculous demands. Get her into a care home ASAP. If money is an issue start the medicaid process and if anything happens and she requires a hospital stay refuse to bring her back to your home. That will speed things up.
Seriously Essie.... ten years is LONG ENOUGH! Please put yourself first for a change and get your life back. No guilt because you owe her NOTHING. What she is saying is cruel and manipulative. Don't tolerate it anymore.
I was my Mom’s caregiver after she suffered a devastating stroke and then diagnosed with dementia. I did this until my health suffered and beyond. I have just placed her in assisted living. I did this FOR BOTH OF US! Her safety and mine.
Yes mom sacrificed for me and I love her for that. However, it was no longer a question of want but need. Do what is right for both of you. You do no one any good if you get hurt or suffer burn out(sounds like you are already there). People say we owe our parents and we do but in my opinion, you also owe yourself. You have to be healthy in order to help her. Healthy in all ways! Caregiving is hard work and yes it is work! No matter how much we love our parents, we also have to love ourselves and take care of us as well as them. By neglecting yourself, you take from her as well. You are important too.
My opinion only.
I always give kudos to those who can, want and do care for their LO to the end, but it isn't always humanly possible to do that for all of us.
As you said: "...it was no longer a question of want but need." AND "Do what is right for both of you."
So....you take in your elderly parent. What's the timeline? What's the regression (there is no "progress")?. What's the price you will pay? Did you even expect this to happen, and what's next? What will you give up, and for how long? Until you are old or die?
Not a fair comparison.
In any event, it's up to you, as an adult, to decide what you can and cannot do and for how long. You are a senior citizen yourself; being a full time caregiver is hard work. That's why there are three shifts of generally younger folks doing that work in nursing homes.
Your mother cannot "insist" upon you being her caregiver. You, however, CAN insist that you no longer wish to hold that job.
I'm sure you've considered an assisted living/nursing home for her. Dementia will only get worse, as you know. Caring for a dementia person is hard (I cared for my mom.) It's far too much for one person, especially with only a few hours of respite a week. You can't continue. While she's 93, she could easily live for many years.
Seek out AL/NH for her. It's for the best care for her. You can tell her you'll still care for her and ensure she's getting great care in the facility.
I'm sure it hurts when she says you owe her. Please ignore it for your own sake. You matter too, and your profile says you're 68. It's time you became primary in your own life. {hug}
I cared for Mom for 20 months. Her decline was steady. I went to an AL to get info on respite care when I found they were having a sale on room and board. I placed Mom. Ten yrs is a long time. You are a senior yourself. Her Dementia will only get worse.
This is what you owe Mom. To be safe, clean, fed and cared for. If that means an AL, then thats where she can go.
Its hard enough to deal with dementia but when they are mean, demeaning and ungrateful it’s life draining and toxic. You have served your sentence.
I disagree with your statement " you truly owe her nothing". Even if the parent was and is abusive, we absolutely owe them everything( easier said than done, I know).
We honor God when we take care of such parents. When done in love it is not "toxic and life draining" it is liberating. It becomes toxic and life draining when our motive is toxic.