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My mother is dependent on me for everything from bathing her to changing her diapers. She left us (her 5 kids) and moved out of state when we were young and just becoming parents ourselves. She has no relationship with her many grandchildren because they just never knew her. When her health started to fail, she tried to commit suicide and that's when I was contacted to come get her because her boyfriend of 20 yrs would not look after her. I always loved my mother, but now after waiting on her hand and foot for the past 3 yrs, I remember now why I didn't like her much. She is a very self centered person, and very demanding. She refuses to get out of bed so I had to find a home service doctor to come to the house each month to treat her diabetes, heart disease etc. I am never able to leave my home anymore except quick trips to the store. She yells at me if her diaper isn't changed right away and complains about the food I cook for her. I just became a grandmother 4 years ago, and I can never go see my grandkids because it disrupts mom's daily routine. It is all just too much to take, I can't seem to find a place for her that Medicaid will pay for, because they are all full. This is all causing me so much resentment towards mom, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm scared our relationship will be completely gone if I don't get some help soon with finding a nursing home. I am getting so depressed, I cry all the time at the silliest things.

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You are allowing yourself to be abused by someone who, it sounds like, has never done much for you. She needs to go and you need to get your life back. Nothing will change unless you change it.

Get on as many waiting lists as you can. If she winds up in the hospital, tell the social worker there that you can no longer care for her. They’ll find a place for her. You can also call Adult Protective Services and get her out. You have sacrificed enough for her for no reason other than the fact that you’re a good and kind person who tried to do the right thing. Enlist the help of the visiting doctor service. They often have social workers on staff who can help you.
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MargaretMcKen Jun 8, 2019
Ahmijoy, OP's mother moved away when her children 'were just becoming parents' and we don't really know why. It's not actually abandonment. This very difficult situation wouldn't be justified by a sense of obligation, and changing it isn't about having 'no reason' to sacrifice. It's because it isn't working now. We know that you really do know that yourself, but we all need to remind ourselves.
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As soon as there is an incident where you can call an ambulance or get your mother to the ER for a hospital admission-- do so, and then tell the social worker you are no longer able to care for her in your home. They will have to place her.

I never knew or considered that to be an option for placement, but after reading on this forum and some of the horror stories where people desperately look for placement and can't get it, going this route seems to be the best way.

Your private home isn't a hospital, but it seems like it's turning into one. That needs to stop for both your sanity and her care.
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mterpin Jun 8, 2019
Crazy as this option sounds iť's perhaps the best way. My Dad was suffering from alz psychosis and the Emd gave me the same advice. I couldn't get him into a mental facility myself, but when we had an incident at home where he was out of control. They couldn't take him that time, but the next time, a few days later I followed the advise and got him into a much needed facility, where they could adjust his meds.

Also if you refuse to pick your mother up, the state will take custody. Sometimes we have to take strange actions in order to get to a better place. This is never easy.
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What relationship? Your mother left her family for over 20 years. After you took her in when no one else would she’s only made a servant out of you. She shows no gratitude for the care you’ve given her, and she’s isolated you from your own family. You now realize that she’s self centered and manipulative? As Ann Landers would say, “Wake up and smell the coffee!” Call 911 and say that she has chest pain, trouble breathing, is incoherent or whatever else comes to mind. They’ll have to keep her in the hospital until she can be placed. You can visit her and tell her that you can’t be her caregiver 24/7, but you will still be her daughter. You need to see your new grandchild and spend time with your own family.
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Zdarov Jun 10, 2019
Concise, right on... onlyme, this is your answer, she’s in such bad shape it’s a hospital and staff who do what she needs. Sometimes we’re so close we don’t see what a trainwreck our person has become. Armchair psychologist: she’s furious she’s still here, and that’s beyond your paygrade. Call non-emergency ambulance for the very next thing.
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Often enough as a nurse I saw things come to a head when people had to bring an elder they were caring for into the hospital with infection, pneumonia or some other thing. I saw more than a few say "I am sorry, but I cannot take her home again. Please contact a social worker because I cannot be responsible anymore". You would be amazed how fast it goes from hospitalization to placement. Otherwise, without money in hand no one wants her and she will be left in your care. You would not be able to care for her if YOU are hospitalized either, and at that point you would be amazed how fast the system can work. I don't know what to tell you other than it may be time to go to a licensed social worker or to her physician and say that you are sorry but you cannot physically or mentally do this anymore. Good luck.
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BlackHole Jun 9, 2019
agree
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My heart goes out to you. It sounds as if you have tried to the best of your abilities and capacities. Now, it is draining you of your own energies. I know it is a hard decision when someone depends on you, to say “enough” and “I can’t do any more”, and, “you’re killing me”. My own mother is doing the same, and I need to decide about changing this, but your situation sounds much worse, more immediate than mine. If my situation is ruining me, yours is doing much worse, for, you are in a situation where you feel you have no choices. But, you do have.

Like me, maybe you needed to re-connect with mom, or maybe you felt you had no choice, or maybe you had to try so you could let go. Ok. You did your best, so now the situation is out of your control. Sounds like she needs professional medical care in many ways. You can let go now, honeybun! You have given her MORE than most daughters would. You can let go.
Get her to a professional care facility by following advice provided by the other responders above.
It sounds like those recommendations may be your best option. If not, contact area aging or other helping agencies. They will help if you let them. They will find options, but you have to reach out and let it go. And then enjoy those grandkids, and your life.
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Tiger55 Jun 8, 2019
Agree wholeheartedly
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So sorry about your suffering. You have done a great job, but agree with AlvaDeer, (that social worker must be called in). We aren't superman nor is it our fault that our LOs suffer. It's hard cuz we want to make everything better, but it's beyond one person's ability. (You have not failed). Live your life soon friend. ✌
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Reading what you wrote, no wonder you have resentment and anger. It is perfectly normal. Her behavior and attitude is starting to destroy you and I am a firm believer, based on life's experiences, which I learned too late, is that if someone's negative behavior starts to impact you in a negative way and is disrupting your life, then you must take appropriate action to put a stop to the negativity at once and if that is not possible, then you remove them from your equation. They cannot live with you. Either they live somewhere with a caretaker and who knows how long they will stay with such behavior or you put them somewhere. There is no if about it and no choice. You must find a way.
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Is Moms only income SS? If so, call Medicaid and see if she can get homecare help. Even 2 hrs a day to bathe her and be there is 2 hrs to urself.
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Lostinva Jun 10, 2019
I checked for my mom, they’ll come for average of 4 hrs, no less
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Caregiving is not working if it’s causing you to feel this way.

Let someone else step step in and take a turn. You have exhausted all your options and yourself.

Your mom has to make alternative arrangements for her care going forward. Be honest with her.
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Your name "Onlymetodoit" says it. And your sisters are "Gunnas" right? As in I was gunna come & help... but I'm sooo busy this month... actually this year...

I also agree with Alvadeer, call in a social worker.

I am one of 3 sisters. Mum, Dad & I care for Sis2 (MI & stroke survivor). Then Mum had big stroke, needs wheelchair & 24 hour care. Medicos said find NH but Dad determined & took her home. He now 24/7 carer PLUS the care organiser for Sis2 (who lives separately).

I phoned, visited, begged Sis3 to come assist. She came to visit Mum for a DAY visit. Then shopping trip before home (2 hours away).

Put the heavy on her to visit for 1 week so I could take a much needed holiday with my Hubby & kids. She stayed with inlaws, popped in for lunches. No hands-on. She said no to that in future as not fair on HER to come sit for me to get a break. Wow.

So I learned the lesson well. Don't wait for a sister to come save me.

Sis2 was placed in respite over this last summer. Mum also in respite while Dad had surgery.

Funny how Sis3 got huge guilts & came to visit them each as "they mustn't like going into respite care". Seriously? No other choices.

I'm telling you all this in case it applies to your situation. You have COPD and for your own health, need to seek a different way to care for Mum (ie visit as a loving daughter - not 24/7 carer).

If your sisters are like mine, they may try to push their guilt onto you. "Mum shouldn't go into care, she won't like it etc". But they have not walked in your shoes or taken Mum home with them. So be it. You cannot change them, only yourself.

Call the social worker. Good luck. ((Hugs))
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