Follow
Share

My mother is dependent on me for everything from bathing her to changing her diapers. She left us (her 5 kids) and moved out of state when we were young and just becoming parents ourselves. She has no relationship with her many grandchildren because they just never knew her. When her health started to fail, she tried to commit suicide and that's when I was contacted to come get her because her boyfriend of 20 yrs would not look after her. I always loved my mother, but now after waiting on her hand and foot for the past 3 yrs, I remember now why I didn't like her much. She is a very self centered person, and very demanding. She refuses to get out of bed so I had to find a home service doctor to come to the house each month to treat her diabetes, heart disease etc. I am never able to leave my home anymore except quick trips to the store. She yells at me if her diaper isn't changed right away and complains about the food I cook for her. I just became a grandmother 4 years ago, and I can never go see my grandkids because it disrupts mom's daily routine. It is all just too much to take, I can't seem to find a place for her that Medicaid will pay for, because they are all full. This is all causing me so much resentment towards mom, and I don't want to be that kind of person. I'm scared our relationship will be completely gone if I don't get some help soon with finding a nursing home. I am getting so depressed, I cry all the time at the silliest things.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
That's a shame. You both need to work this out. You're making a huge sacrifice, and she should be grateful. If she's not, then think about making other arrangements. If she can't pay for a nursing home then she needs to keep her mouth shut. A little trip down reality lane might change her tune.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You are allowing yourself to be abused by someone who, it sounds like, has never done much for you. She needs to go and you need to get your life back. Nothing will change unless you change it.

Get on as many waiting lists as you can. If she winds up in the hospital, tell the social worker there that you can no longer care for her. They’ll find a place for her. You can also call Adult Protective Services and get her out. You have sacrificed enough for her for no reason other than the fact that you’re a good and kind person who tried to do the right thing. Enlist the help of the visiting doctor service. They often have social workers on staff who can help you.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report
MargaretMcKen Jun 2019
Ahmijoy, OP's mother moved away when her children 'were just becoming parents' and we don't really know why. It's not actually abandonment. This very difficult situation wouldn't be justified by a sense of obligation, and changing it isn't about having 'no reason' to sacrifice. It's because it isn't working now. We know that you really do know that yourself, but we all need to remind ourselves.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
As soon as there is an incident where you can call an ambulance or get your mother to the ER for a hospital admission-- do so, and then tell the social worker you are no longer able to care for her in your home. They will have to place her.

I never knew or considered that to be an option for placement, but after reading on this forum and some of the horror stories where people desperately look for placement and can't get it, going this route seems to be the best way.

Your private home isn't a hospital, but it seems like it's turning into one. That needs to stop for both your sanity and her care.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
mterpin Jun 2019
Crazy as this option sounds iť's perhaps the best way. My Dad was suffering from alz psychosis and the Emd gave me the same advice. I couldn't get him into a mental facility myself, but when we had an incident at home where he was out of control. They couldn't take him that time, but the next time, a few days later I followed the advise and got him into a much needed facility, where they could adjust his meds.

Also if you refuse to pick your mother up, the state will take custody. Sometimes we have to take strange actions in order to get to a better place. This is never easy.
(12)
Report
See 3 more replies
My heart goes out to you. It sounds as if you have tried to the best of your abilities and capacities. Now, it is draining you of your own energies. I know it is a hard decision when someone depends on you, to say “enough” and “I can’t do any more”, and, “you’re killing me”. My own mother is doing the same, and I need to decide about changing this, but your situation sounds much worse, more immediate than mine. If my situation is ruining me, yours is doing much worse, for, you are in a situation where you feel you have no choices. But, you do have.

Like me, maybe you needed to re-connect with mom, or maybe you felt you had no choice, or maybe you had to try so you could let go. Ok. You did your best, so now the situation is out of your control. Sounds like she needs professional medical care in many ways. You can let go now, honeybun! You have given her MORE than most daughters would. You can let go.
Get her to a professional care facility by following advice provided by the other responders above.
It sounds like those recommendations may be your best option. If not, contact area aging or other helping agencies. They will help if you let them. They will find options, but you have to reach out and let it go. And then enjoy those grandkids, and your life.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Agree wholeheartedly
(3)
Report
I hear ya! I’m with you. Don’t have an answer for you. I too can’t find NH for my mom. It gets worse daily.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
HVsdaughter Jun 2019
I hope you'll go back and read some of the newer replies to earlier responses that were posted on this thread. They may prove to be helpful to you. :)
(2)
Report
Is Moms only income SS? If so, call Medicaid and see if she can get homecare help. Even 2 hrs a day to bathe her and be there is 2 hrs to urself.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Lostinva Jun 2019
I checked for my mom, they’ll come for average of 4 hrs, no less
(0)
Report
Caregiving is not working if it’s causing you to feel this way.

Let someone else step step in and take a turn. You have exhausted all your options and yourself.

Your mom has to make alternative arrangements for her care going forward. Be honest with her.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Did you move into your Mum's house to care for her? Or did she move into your place? If you moved in, you can also move out (without leaving her without care options of course).

Is there an emergency respite service? What if you got the flu, needed an operation, what would happen? Get some respite asap so you can start to breathe, think & plan.

In fact, arranging respite so you can visit those grandkids would be a great start. Sorry to be blunt, but why let your Mum decide your life for you?

You both deserve your own life journeys.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NYDaughterInLaw Jun 2019
Poster: "I am caring for my mother Norma, who is 80 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, diabetes, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and vision problems."
(4)
Report
See 4 more replies
Do you see an opportunity forthcoming to tell a social worker that your mother cannot be discharged to your home?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Its sad, but caring for someone, especially with a Dementia, does change the daughter/Mom relationship. My Mom fault this Monster for about 7 yrs. Looking back before than, there were signs I just didn't realize what they were. TG my nephew was able to live with her 6 yrs of that journey. It was someone there. He was able to give her her pills which we had to hide. Just before she came to live with me, she was still doing for herself. After a hospital/rehab stay, it all went down hill. Living with me changed the mother/daughter dynamic. I was now the mother and her the child. And I think to be able to deal with the role reversal, I had to harden myself. My husband said he thought my Mom was afraid of me. Not sure of that, but I think at that point she was a child and just went along with what I said. Not that she didn't bulk at times but children do that.

When she passed, it really was a blessing. She was 89 and had gone from beginning to end in her journey. Besides the Dementia, she was healthy. It was hard to watch her decline. I saw her go back in time, no husband, no children. She became frailer and frailer. There was no "Mom" anymore. I am not a patient person. Its the one thing I regret with my Mom, that at times I didn't have it with her. I have always thought that we go thru things in our lives because we r to learn something from it. Could not figure out what Mom was suppose to learn from this awful desease. Or maybe I was suppose to learn something? But if so, please don't keep her alive like this till I learn it. Because if it was patience, we have a long road to go.

Its hard to remember the good times and there were lots. My Moms family was it. Everything she did was for her husband and kids. Our friends hung out at our house and Mom treated them as her own. Even to the point she hollered at them too. We did a lot together when I started driving. She helped to raise my oldest. She was liked by all who knew her. My Mom was 89 when she passed. She knew where she was going and I know she is there. So grieve, not really. We all will leave this world. She lived a good life that she was happy in. What more could a person ask for.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Well said. 👍
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Often enough as a nurse I saw things come to a head when people had to bring an elder they were caring for into the hospital with infection, pneumonia or some other thing. I saw more than a few say "I am sorry, but I cannot take her home again. Please contact a social worker because I cannot be responsible anymore". You would be amazed how fast it goes from hospitalization to placement. Otherwise, without money in hand no one wants her and she will be left in your care. You would not be able to care for her if YOU are hospitalized either, and at that point you would be amazed how fast the system can work. I don't know what to tell you other than it may be time to go to a licensed social worker or to her physician and say that you are sorry but you cannot physically or mentally do this anymore. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
BlackHole Jun 2019
agree
(4)
Report
So sorry about your suffering. You have done a great job, but agree with AlvaDeer, (that social worker must be called in). We aren't superman nor is it our fault that our LOs suffer. It's hard cuz we want to make everything better, but it's beyond one person's ability. (You have not failed). Live your life soon friend. ✌
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Your name "Onlymetodoit" says it. And your sisters are "Gunnas" right? As in I was gunna come & help... but I'm sooo busy this month... actually this year...

I also agree with Alvadeer, call in a social worker.

I am one of 3 sisters. Mum, Dad & I care for Sis2 (MI & stroke survivor). Then Mum had big stroke, needs wheelchair & 24 hour care. Medicos said find NH but Dad determined & took her home. He now 24/7 carer PLUS the care organiser for Sis2 (who lives separately).

I phoned, visited, begged Sis3 to come assist. She came to visit Mum for a DAY visit. Then shopping trip before home (2 hours away).

Put the heavy on her to visit for 1 week so I could take a much needed holiday with my Hubby & kids. She stayed with inlaws, popped in for lunches. No hands-on. She said no to that in future as not fair on HER to come sit for me to get a break. Wow.

So I learned the lesson well. Don't wait for a sister to come save me.

Sis2 was placed in respite over this last summer. Mum also in respite while Dad had surgery.

Funny how Sis3 got huge guilts & came to visit them each as "they mustn't like going into respite care". Seriously? No other choices.

I'm telling you all this in case it applies to your situation. You have COPD and for your own health, need to seek a different way to care for Mum (ie visit as a loving daughter - not 24/7 carer).

If your sisters are like mine, they may try to push their guilt onto you. "Mum shouldn't go into care, she won't like it etc". But they have not walked in your shoes or taken Mum home with them. So be it. You cannot change them, only yourself.

Call the social worker. Good luck. ((Hugs))
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

If you live in Michigan, there is a program called the MI Choice Waiver Program. Contact your local DHS (Department of Heath and Human Services) and inquire about it. If you live in another state I would still contact your local DHS for help.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
worriedinCali Jun 2019
She’s not in Michigan, she’s in GA which doesn’t have anywhere near the programs michigan has.
(2)
Report
What relationship? Your mother left her family for over 20 years. After you took her in when no one else would she’s only made a servant out of you. She shows no gratitude for the care you’ve given her, and she’s isolated you from your own family. You now realize that she’s self centered and manipulative? As Ann Landers would say, “Wake up and smell the coffee!” Call 911 and say that she has chest pain, trouble breathing, is incoherent or whatever else comes to mind. They’ll have to keep her in the hospital until she can be placed. You can visit her and tell her that you can’t be her caregiver 24/7, but you will still be her daughter. You need to see your new grandchild and spend time with your own family.
Helpful Answer (17)
Report
Zdarov Jun 2019
Concise, right on... onlyme, this is your answer, she’s in such bad shape it’s a hospital and staff who do what she needs. Sometimes we’re so close we don’t see what a trainwreck our person has become. Armchair psychologist: she’s furious she’s still here, and that’s beyond your paygrade. Call non-emergency ambulance for the very next thing.
(8)
Report
See 2 more replies
Please let this part of someone's answer bubble to the top: a social worker for you is made available in services that get enlisted for Mom. Please accept that once you hear it, and/or please use your insurance to see a counselor. YOU matter, YOU are the linchpin and the one who deserves to get some mental/emotional healing first. I’m so horribly sorry to know about this accident you suffered at work. God bless you, and your husband, through your therapy you’re receiving.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Our relationship degraded the same. There was no AL available, so I moved to an apartment close enough for me to go over when needed, sometimes several times per day. I don't care if I run over just to get something out of the refrigerator for him. We found he doesn't need me as much as we thought.

We don't get on each other's nerves or squabble now. Yay! I am sleeping longer than two or three hours at a time now. Having my own four walls gave us both some sanity back. Now all I need to do is find a way to take a day for myself here and there to visit my children and grandchildren.

You have good advice above. I sincerely hope you find that light at the end of the tunnel soon.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Reading what you wrote, no wonder you have resentment and anger. It is perfectly normal. Her behavior and attitude is starting to destroy you and I am a firm believer, based on life's experiences, which I learned too late, is that if someone's negative behavior starts to impact you in a negative way and is disrupting your life, then you must take appropriate action to put a stop to the negativity at once and if that is not possible, then you remove them from your equation. They cannot live with you. Either they live somewhere with a caretaker and who knows how long they will stay with such behavior or you put them somewhere. There is no if about it and no choice. You must find a way.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I wish I could give you a big hug! (It sounds like your mom is mean, is using you, and isn't even trying to do anythimg for herself. If your mom is able to get out of bed with assistance , she needs to start doing it. Especially if that would mean her working with physical therapy and toileting better. As far as cooking goes, is she able do do any shopping lists or small meal prep herself, or is she just wanting to be waited on? It may be time to apply for in home care with the state, and make plans to move her out of your home. Fyi if the caregiver comes to your home you are free to go enjoy your grandkids and get a break.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Do you have the option of home healthcare? If so, get it. Medicaid may also help with hospice care. I have not got to this point with my Dad but it will be happening soon.
Even if you cant hire full time help, some companies will send staff out for a few hours at a time as needed.
You need to speak to your doctor about your situation. I had to start talking an antidepressant. It helps and the sooner the better.
Remember it's the disease your hating here not your mother.
Don't let this wicked disease destroy you too. Hugs my dear and an extra on for your pocket. Pull it out when you need it most.


You also may be able to drop mom off at an adult daycare or memory care unit for an afternoon.
Check with local support groups for dementia. They may have ideas with help as well.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Go to (or apply online) for Medicaid programs for the elderly/disabled. You may be able to get some home health care to assist with some daily tasks (bathing, physical or occupational therapy - one does legs, one does upper body, maybe some house cleaning of her areas, etc).
If you're doing this alone, does that mean the other 4 kids refuse to help or you have not asked them to help? Maybe a family meeting to see if anyone can commit to so much time per week on a schedule you can rely on.
If she gets sick and needs to be hospitalized, you can talk to social workers about placement to rehab and then to long term. Many doctors are owners of nursing facilities and you might get quicker placement that way.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

In some states if she has a hospital stay for more than three days, the social worker can help you put her in rehab for a month on Medicaid, or care i forget which one is which, and then after the 30 days re evaluate, might be a good start. If for some reason she has to go to ER.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Drop her of at ER and let them sort it out. Harsh, yes maybe but if you have seriously reached the end of your tether then you have to do something for your sanity.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

What a difficult and complicated situation you are in. This is definitely a crisis!

In addition to the other helpful replies, I would ask your family if they could come together NOW to help you with this extreme situation. You're going to have to say it or word it very strongly for them to get the idea of what is happening, because this is not fair. It's sort of a reverse intervention, because you asking them to intervene. Pick a day and tell them they need to be at your house. Don't take no for an answer.

And also, yes, if you take her to the hospital, then Medicaid will have to find a bed for her. That might be a temporary solution while you convo with the family.

What can your extended family do? They could come and relieve you from this 24-hour caregiving at regular intervals, be it daily, weekly, whatever, for an hour, a day, a week or two. They can also provide money. So what if the grandchildren don't know her? I think they need to see the reality of what can happen when you age. I would require everyone over the age of 16 to get to your house for your meeting.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Put Mom's Name on a List, Which is All you can do for Now. It is Rough and Tough when a Parent gets to this Stage, Much Rage, On their Part and with You with your own Heart....You both will never Part.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

HI, so sorry to here about your situation.
My sister handled it by putting our mother in her car and drove 3 hours and DROPPED her off at my house. No warning! At that time she had mild dementia. They just left her during the day when she lived with them and went to work.
Now I haven't been able to work .
I can't leave her. She is very unsteady and has visual and audio hallucinations!
I wonder how many children that are responsible end up in this situation.
It is so difficult , you can barely breath. Then you feel guilty if u raise your voice.
I worked in a hospital, I've seen it all. BURNOUT is going to happen.
If you bring her to a hospital, they will assist you in finding help.
Either long term or short term.
Also call your state aging department.
There are many agencys out there.
Even if you don't go to a hospital
They can direct you to someone who can.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I’m facing the same resentment. It makes it worse when I say something to her or ask a question & she just scowls at me. Mom is selfish & narcissistic!! I want to scream!! I live in Va, no Medicaid for AL, LTC only. My mom didn’t plan well for retirement so I applied for Medicaid through my county social services office. They were great, gave me names of facilities to check out, which I have. She’s on waiting lists. I talked to my #1 facility on my list today & was told that since Mom has Medicaid now & many on the list haven’t started the process, it will move her up quickly. Also know that in any state, a 3 day stay in the hospital will get her right in & a social worker at the hospital will start the Medicaid process. Good luck to you, I fully understand your feelings. I take late night showers a lot so I can just cry!!!! Keep your chin up, get the process started.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

MY daughter is an RN at a large downtown hospital. She is caring for a woman who's boyfriend put her on a plane from Arizona to Colorado.....he was apparently sick and tired of taking care of her so he bought her a one way ticket to an airport. She has pretty bad dementia and is now homeless, so she was picked up and sent to the hospital for care until Medicaid kicks in and can place her in a skilled nursing facility. That will take at least 3 months.

When I placed my parents in an Assisted Living Facility in 2014, the executive director told me that lots of children drop their mom's off with a suitcase, never to be seen again. The monthly bill is paid, but that's IT.

When I placed mom in a rehab facility a few weeks ago to regain her strength after suffering pneumonia, the head nurse told me they had patients there in horrible pain that they couldn't get Hospice services for because the family members refused to pick up the telephone when called. Their "loved one" will die in agony as a result.

These stories are sad and awful, aren't they? You are doing an amazing thing for your mother, whether she appreciates it or not. You have a strong character, my friend, and for that I admire you.
Keep looking for Skilled Nursing Facilities that accept Medicaid.....look further away than you have been looking. Put her name on the waiting list for each place that meets your approval. One of these days, an opening will come up. In the meantime, be sure to take some time for yourself, even if your mom complains.....just add it to the list and get In line!

Sending you a big hug and wishing a speedy placement for mother so you can salvage the relationship AND your life. Keep posting here...the support really helps!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I sure do understand that. I had to leave my state and move in with my mother in another state. We were polar opposites, but we made it work. Prayers sent to you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter