Has anyone else noticed that sibling(s) that do not help with caregiving, seem to be the most concerned about the inheritance?

This seems to be the case much of the time. The squabble at the passing of the parents occurs in families that you would never suspect too. I'm not sure what it is. It happens way too often and even with good people who seem to be normal. I fully expect it to happen with my family. It did with the grandparents, so, I expect it. I'm prepared though.

If the siblings are helping with the senior parents and sharing responsibilities, it's a a great thing and I would consider myself blessed. I'm not sure if the thought just doesn't enter their mind or if it enters their mind and they push it out. lol Either way, I don't count on it. If it happens fine, but, I've learned to just depend on myself and I then handle it, delegate it to a responsible person or pay to have it done. No waiting on others. lol

I will say that adult kids shouldn't have to revolve their lives around the care of an ailing senior parent. That's not fair, nor do I expect that, but an occasional thing would nice.

I have one word for them: Vultures.

My family is a bit strange. No one cares about the money. My brothers aren't involved with the caregiving, but they also don't care about the money. I know there won't be any squabbling over any money that might be left over. I know them that well. It will take some time to get things probated, but that will be the only problem. My only concern is that the executor brother won't be up to the task and will drag his feet. That will put me in an awkward position, since I won't be able to move on completely until things are settled.

I wouldn't go so far as to say my brothers don't care about the money but for the most part it seemed to be understood that it was my mothers money to spend on the best level of care that she could afford - which in turn pretty much kept her out of their hair. I guess it looked like a bargain to them.

I have noticed and I have experienced that when you are fed up with siblings for well-proven and legitimate reasons - such as their being a bunch of useless clueless cretins who do nothing but undermine and obstruct your efforts - it is only too easy for your angry and hurt feelings about *that* to spread all over your assessment of their entire character, history and motives. Be careful.

Should you really be surprised? It's called greed and we are all guilty of it to a degree, some a lot more than others. Some people have religious or humanistic values; others seem to live in a spiritual vacuum that allows them to be indifferent or selfish. Even religious people sometimes just go through the motions of their faith, ignoring basics like looking after the welfare of others.

The non care giving siblings are often the source of many problems. They under estimate the amount of work involved in caregiving. The best solution is to have a trusted professional be the POA. Or the POA has to be the caregiver but that will often lead to problems.

I think all the heirs should get what they are entitled too, nothing more nothing less. They can fight all they want, they will only be getting what is legally left to them.Since it is in the will, you will need to read it. If the poa is a family member and you don't trust them, that might be a problem. i think it's a shame no one wants to help with your parents care, very sad. They are lucky to have you

Anecdote from our family that relates where we are on this---my brother had incessantly been after me to take the car keys from our dad, always telling me he wasn't safe to drive any longer. Yet I was the one who had been to all Doctor appts and asked about driving and heard multiple docs say it was okay on a limited basis. I'm also the one who drives dad everywhere he needs to go to limit his driving. Yet brother persisted. Finally I told him that as POA that the minute the keys were taken, the car would be sold and the money from it used for dad's care. Brother immediately stopped talking about taking the keys. Hmmm...no free car, huh?! Sometimes ones motives aren't so hard to see through.

Mother died last spring and it is heartbreaking how the normally tight family has deteriorated. Tried to put together a plan where her house could be sold to a family member but greed and backstabbing erupted before I could even put a proposal on the table. Truly is heartbreaking.

Karma will take care of these selfish people, no worries

Not everyone is altruistic. Money can solve a lot of problems, so do not judge.

The more I read about this subject the more sad I get. People who do not do the work have no idea how much work you are doing. If you hire a maid and she is working her a## off and you complain she is not working hard enough. (situation in which you never cleaned your house yourself and have no idea how much work it takes to say-Keeping the Bathroom clean) Makes be happy I don't have any brothers or sisters.

We are in the opposite situation. My husband and his brother are telling their parents to spend their money on their care and to hire people to do work around the house that they no longer can do. My in-laws insist my husband's brother / his wife do all of the work so MIL/FIL don't have to pay anyone else and promise leaving an inheritance. When we visit (we live across country), we are met with a huge to-do list and they get really bent out of shape if we don't get it all done. I'd love them to spend their money on cleaners, window washers, lawn mowers, handy man services and quit making demands on the rest of us. None of us want to deal with a house after they pass.

I read these family stories and often wonder how my caregiving journey would have differed if my brother was still alive. He was moms favorite but i am not sure he would have stepped up. On days when it seems too much, i just imagine how much worse it would be if i were fighting with my brother too. We always got along, but i think our relationship might not have survived the long caregiving of mom.

My dear Whitney you have just made my day. My mom passed a month ago and as Executor I am in the midst of handling the estate. My brother and only sibling gets half of everything even though he refused to visit his mother for the past 30 years. Sometimes I believe she struggled to hang on and stay alive to see her son again. I took time off work and travelled 3,000 miles twice a year for decades to see her and handled everything for her for her adult life from soup to nuts (she was mentally ill). Although he refuses to have any contact with me you can bet he is most definitely concerned about getting his "fair" share. It is what it is and who knows why. Thank you for posting this question. It is one of life's great mysteries.

An only child, I am POA for my dad. Due to Dementia his doc said no more driving. I have 3 sons that couldn't bother to even visit dad. I sold 2 cars and deposited the money in dad's checking account. I took him where he had to go. Then came the stroke. Tried to keep dad at home with 24 HR care. That didn't work out. Dad's doc said he needed better care, so I found an AL facility. Couldn't keep the house going and pay AL too. Come to find out, my youngest son did come visit dad at home! Dad thought he was signing divorce papers for him when in reality they were papers using dad's house as collateral on a mortgage. Had to sell the house. At closing the mortgage was paid. Had to use dads elder care atty to go after my son to repay the mortgage. Got the first payment last week. Has he seen dad? No. Have my other 2 sons seen Pop Pop? No. Why? Well, SHE sold the house and took the money! Do they realize that SHE is making sure that the nursing home is being paid every month? I say nursing home because dad had aspiration pneumonia and needed more care than AL could provide. So..... When the day comes that Dad is called Home, there are no cars left, no home left and his bank accounts are joint accounts with me. Nothing left for them, so why bother to visit??? It's sickening to me.

I find this to be typical in my and others families. When siblings ask about assets and inheritance - remind them that mom and dad are not dead yet. Those resources are theirs and they might need them for long term care.

You never know how long someone will live. My mom is 92 and my mother-in-law is 94. If they live to be 100, we most likely will never see an inheritance.

Lucysmom, so sorry about your two sons. That really hurts. I too only child and not sure what to think about my daughter sometimes. Long story.

Money (or the inheritance of such) brings out the worst and best in people. I dread my MIL's passing (although she is very likely to outlive both her sons.) My BIL was a pill when my FIL died. He swooped in with a huge truck, took everything of value and left a huge mess for me and my hubby to deal with. Never so much as picked up a paintbrush--It has been 12 years and I still kind of think of him as a vulture.

My mother, due to 2 unscrupulous kids, has lost most of her savings and lives with another brother on SS. She has a little savings, and a small life insurance policy---but since 2 sibs cleaned her out years ago, she's just getting by.

It can just be so, so sad. At the time when you should be mourning and grieving, you're angry and shocked at the behavior of family. Just hold your head up and do the best you can. Families are often just ruined by the "mine. mine, mine" attitude that can come along after a death.

Ferris- the best part is that of the 7 siblings no one is greatly hurting for money. One sister (with no money problems) told me she wanted "top dollar" for Mom's house and to h*ll with anyone that would interfere with that. Mom's wishes to keep the house in the family (if possible) were known by all but that didn't matter. Greed has split the family and that would have been the last thing Mom would have wanted. Heartbreaking.

Many of us have siblings that are heartless and greedy, thinking of how they can be served and not how they can serve. My brother just recently visited mom in her memory care facility and excused himself to use her bathroom in her apt and stole her wedding ring and other valuables. It's his "mo". He feels entitled. He disgusts me and all we can do is make a police report... again. They are just things but it's the principle of the act. I'm so numb from his and his wife's drunk dials of cussing me out and calling our mom "a (cuss word) 'ing lunatic because she can't remember sh$&!". He's no longer part of my or my family's life. I focus on my mom and the place where she lives knows and has seen his true colors. I'm sorry you or anyone has the same issues. They are vultures and only care about themselves. I find keeping a diary of what occurs is helpful. It's a venting but may help in the future as well.

When I had my first appointment with the attorney to get probate started on my moms estate I decided to let my brother come with me - mainly so he could hear for himself the timeframe and keep him off my back. The attorney I'm using is about an hour drive - so we went together in my car. On the way my brother asked me if I felt guilty for not letting my mom come to live with me and my family. I swear to God, if I thought I could have jumped free in time - I would have driven him head on into a semi!

M209M209, I hope you at least take the percentage of the estate that Executors can take for doing the work.

I would be perfectly happy if my mother spent her last cent, on her last day and on herself. If there is no inheritance left, so be it. But, I feel it is my moral duty (and my promise to my late father) to protect her money and assets so that they do last the rest of her days.

In the mean time, my money grubbing brothers fell it is their duty to separate Mom from her money now so they can live comfortable lives and not actually work.

Of course, it is too much bother to visit her or pick up a phone and call (other than to demand support)

It is ugly now and is going to be uglier when she's gone. I will adhere to the exact wording of the will (I am personal representative) but I won't be happy about splitting everything 25% each when I am the only one who takes care of her.

Mom2Mom, your mother lives at your house (according to your profile). Does she pay you anything? If you won't be happy splitting everything 25% when you are the only one who takes care of her (who would be?), then why not get your mother to change the inheritance plan now? I feel it's your mother's fault as well as your brothers' that you are being taken advantage of. So many people blame their siblings, but the parent is often the one who condoned the plan that left the caregiving sibling feeling resentful.

CTTN55, I totally blame my mother for just about everything but I manage to choke down the resentment and care for her best I can.

A) as an enabler, she created the situation where a 53 year old man has never worked and cannot do anything for himself

B) I didn't get it when I was younger but now realize that she instigated the sibling rivalry which has not morphed into hatred. She set us up against each other our whole lives.

C) the last time she planned on rewriting her will her intentions were to change it from an even 25% split to "I'm going to give the two boys the bigger house and give you and John the small one since they need it more". I never helped her pursue changing it so, than heaven, the old will stands.

Yes, we do take a monthly stipend to cover our increased costs (utilities, food) and I do use her money to pay my kids when they stay home and take care of her when we go out. I also use her money for the expensive remodels to make the house handicapped accessible (roll in shower/bathroom remodel when she first moved in and recently, a handicapped ramp for her to get in and out)

Mom2Mom - wow! A huge ditto on B! Huge! As for percentages - the will - 1/3-1/3-1/3. The caregiving for my parents the last six years? 90%-9%-1%. Guess who did the 90% ? Honestly, I'm mostly fine with the even split as it will keep my brothers - and their wives happy and not causing me further trouble down the road. A while back the wife of 1% brother actually had the nerve to use those words "fair share" when stating her expectations regarding my brothers potentially inheritance. If she only had a clue as to what his "fair share" should actually be!

I myself had a situation the same way and feel your frustration. Mom saw danger a couple years before her illness and made a Will excluding her children (by name) so there would not be any questions for who was left to RULE EVERYTHING. There was never any help, no calls, or any sort of concern, their loss my GAIN and I don't regret one second what I was called to do.
Every family has dysfunction, Moms family exceeded the definition!
Mom passed but I would do it all over again and I miss her terribly.
God Bless you for everything

Families are so weird. My brother has not seen my Dad in years. I bought Dad a house as he was homeless after many bad decisions in his life and being an alcoholic. My brother thinks by calling him a couple of times a year he has done his duty. When he does pass I will need to dig further into my pocket. I am stuck paying for his care now that I have put him into a group home because of his dementia. My brother who is totally involved in his religion only calls to try and convert Dad to his religion. Total hypocrite in my estimation. Dad lives in Arizona and we live with In Canada. My dad has managed to get himself into debt even with me buying him a home. In other words there is nothing but debt left. I'm sure brother won't be there to help. But I know him and if there was money to be had his attitude would change. Terrible what people manage to do to each other