Anyone else ready to run away?

@ NJCinderella: I think I know what I'd like to do if I think I'll become a burden to my family/to society/to the health care system/to the poor front-line workers who have to change diapers and give sponge baths. I've told my family as much.

I only hope it becomes legal and commonplace, and that I don't chicken out.

Is your husband afraid to confront his father? Sooner or later this will have to happen. His wife and kids come first.

I've read this type of posting so many times (including my own version) that it is heart breaking---but I wonder what *we* have planned for our own future care so we don't do the same thing to our children? I can't imagine thinking that my children owe it to me to give up their lives for my care. I know our parents generations don't give a thought about it. As a young child I watched my grandmother sacrifice her life to care for her own bedridden mother and father without much help from the rest of the family. It was understood that was what daughters do and they didn't question it. Yet, I do. I never want to burden my kids with my care. Do I know what to do? Not yet. From the likes of it, looks like none of us do. So do we just carry on, generation to generation? Ideas?

oh do I feel your pain big time. I had my elderly mom living with me and there are only 2 of us children. Brother was overseas living at the time so I was elected caregiver at my home after she needed to move after selling her home. It started out as a great thing but as she got more confused, taking her pills wrong, falling , I chose a local assisted living place, of course at first I was the worst kid ever for dumping her there but finally after a few months she has adjusted, I am now sane and I believe she is getting the best care she can be, if you are even having a little stress being a lone caregiver, do as I did if you can, it is so much easier on both the caregiver and the patient..

Kristi please for you and your families future relationships call Senior Services in your area and see what is available. You will be amazed at how helpful they are and nonjudgmental. If you don't take hold of this situation it is going to spiral out of control with family issues leading to more dysfunction. Not to mention health issues due to stress for you. Social Services can evaluate too if need be to see what they can assist with. They are not the bad guys some people think they are. It may take an outside source to get FIL to see reason. I would love to know what her Dr. says once he knows the real situation. He can order a Home Health Evaluation asap to get help in there, and cost may not even be the issue if they qualify for coverage. I am so sorry you are so stressed and taken advantage of, but if you don't stand up for yourself no one else will.

Kristi, I know I sound like a harsh b! tch, but my heart is breaking for you in this situation.

Freqflyer you are exactly right! She would have been the one caring for him and would have no choice but to call in help ( he is 5'8 she is 4'2). She would do what she could. He has no patience to deal with her. If he asks her to eat and she makes up some excuse not too (which is frustrating) he gets sarcastic and smart with everyone. That's usually when the arguing begins t breakfast time when it starts with the no eating thing she does. Hubby tries to get him to calm down he says well you do it then so on and so on. We have discussed not visiting as often. ( I fix breakfast, lunch and dinner for them and my family and clean up after ourselves. ) so not sure how we wouldn't visit as often. Fixing food to him his a bologna sand which that she won't eat. So guilt there because he would give her something with no nutritional value. My kids love them to death so I would be keeping them from them which I don't want cause I wish I had more time with my grandmother. Its a crappy situation. Like I said a rock and a hard place. I don't think they will ever put her in a nursing home. She is to far along (I think) for that and if I had help I would not mind it as much. But the fact remains that I don't have help from two critical people. I cant call in help cause he is capable of denying it. She will die at home no doubt about it. I expect it but looks like I'm going to have to force his hand for help or he's on his own. Hopefully hubby has talked with him today about it. I keep hearing " we will figure something out" from FIL but we will see.

Kristi, no one is telling you to leave your husband. We are telling you BOTH to leave, along with your children, a situation which has become unsafr, for mil and for your children. You are enabling your FIL ' S denial and/depression. It seems to me, that because mil ' s doc assumes she is being cared for, you need to let him know in the strongest possible terms that you are no longer able to care for her ( you as in you AND HUBBY; please detail for the doc or her incontinence, lack of recognition of family members and the like. These are symptoms, not complaints. You need to emphasize to the doc or that her needs are beyond what you can cope with and that the feces strewn environment is unsafe for your baby. Don't worry about the confidentiality piece. You can tell the doctor any information YOU have, he just can't tell you anything. Please do this tomorrow. And keep in touch here, you need to do this for mother in laws dignity and comfort.

hire a full time caregiver and let the FIL pay for it.

kristi27, I was thinking what if the tables were reversed.... that it was father-in-law with the serious memory and mobile issues.... who would be caring for him? Of course, his wife would be doing a lot of the work.... with you helping out whenever you can.

Ah ha moment... who will be caring for father-in-law when it is his turn to need help? You and your husband need to start that discussion. Wonder where brother-in-law will be in that scenario?

They argue all the time ! I don't blame BIL for staying away I'm jealous and do need help. I don't even know who has POA or if anyone does. I don't get info from drs unless they call to leave a message and there Dr only sees them every 3 months? I have wondered why he don't see her more often. Is this normal or is FIL making it that way? No idea. How often should she be seen? He is diabetic. Only thing wrong with him. Takes his meds but would not take depression meds cause I really don't think he is depressed. He acts like she is already gone.

OK, I don't get it. FIL can quit taking care of the house, the wife (who needs full time total care BTW, at a skilled nursing level...) and the animals, and still gets to keep control/ ownership of it/them all, and call all the shots, because you and hubby are just going to do anything he decides not to do? . IT MAKES NO SENSE. If FIL is a competent adult he should be able to grasp that his decisions have consequences, but right now it seems he can decide anything he wants while you and hubby take up all the slack. WHY do you think you have no choice but to do anything he just up and quits doing? Out of pity for them? You can pity someone, but if it a) isn't your fault they are in a pitiable situation, and b) isn't reasonable or safe to take on everything needed to help them you don't try to do it all yourself. ESPECIALLY when they COULD be doing something themselves. Is FIL just so depressed he can't mobliize any more to do anything, or is he just dumping on you because you are conveniently there and willing? Either way a different approach is strongly called for - either you help him get help for the depression, or you help him get back to standing on his own two feet.

Do you really blame BIL and girfriend for trying to avoid getting sucked in along with you? This has nothing to do with leaving your hubby, but both of you realizing together that it is NUTS.

Hospice. Call them tomorrow. She's ready for hospice.

FIL does think he is head of house and rules the roost. I have gave warnings to all of them the last few days. I have tried to let hubby know to look past my mouth I'm speaking to BIL and FIL. Hubby helps me anyway he can. Not only do we get the responsibility of MIL and of course our kids but trash detail, and yard work and feeding the dogs, horse, FIL birds. I understand that FIL is miserable with the way his wife is but we didn't do this! I feel like we are being punished and he is trying to get away from it all. Well I don't want to be here either. I'm not giving my hubby an ultimatum when he has no control over the situation either. One day FIL just stopped helping do anything. No yard work (like riding the lawn mower) no feeding the animals an no trash duty. Me and hubby are doing it all. I'm losing my patience and the filter that stops allbbad things from coming out. On days he is at work my BIL is supposed to feed. I will prolly be here all day tomorrow with no help as BIL has told us all he has stuff to do and not even coming by to feed?! So now what do I do? Kids, MIL and feeding the animals. Were having a power struggle? I will never leave my hubby. I'm not even going to suggest that I would leave him or take our kids away. He is the love of my life but his dad and brother are not. I can't give him an ultimatum when his mother is slowly dying. She has progressed quickly since the first signs in 2003. She is using the bathroom on herself all the time, has forgotten how to feed herself, doesn't speak well, cries over who knows what, does not know her Hubby's name or my Hubby's name. Definatley does not know me or my kids names. Does not remember any history about herself. She will call for family that has passed on. I can communicate with my 18 month old better than her. I know she does not have long in this world and she and I are in the middle of two bullheaded men! I know they will regret it one day. And one thing that kills me the most is my BIL girlfriend of 5 years is a nurse and knows how to deal with patients like her and we never see her! But she and BIL can leave me with it in a heart beat. Also her dad has atlz, earlier than MIL he can still drive and is capable of being alone, and they do more with him than his own mother. Can anyone tell me why that is? So long story short FIL And BIL are driving me nuts.

I agree with most of the comments already posted. Caregivers who are constantly overloaded and undervalued creates a bad situation for both the caregiver and the person being cared for. Neither is in a good place.

I moved my dad in with me over a year ago. I still work full time, and have daytime in home care M-F while I'm at work. I take over in the evenings, and most weekends (although have some afternoon help most Saturdays).

The two best pieces of advice that I got when I started...
1 - start out with more help than you need. You can always scale back but it's really hard for people to know when and how to get more help
2 - get advice and help from professionals, not just family. My caregiver has training in dementia and has been able to guide and train us in turn.... some things you can figure out on your own but it really helps to have someone who has seen this, done that.
3 - it will get worse, not better. Be prepared for that and know when to say when.... when you need full time care, when you need to move to a facility, etc.

My siblings and I have talked ahead of time about what it will mean when that time comes so it's as difficult when it happens.

Good luck!

I say that I think he must be a bully because I'm assuming that you've yolk your husband and him that you are overwhelmed and no longer able to manage mil. If you don't tell them that, how will FIL know to ask the doctor for the means to get help? If you have told them you need assistance and they have denied you the help, and denied acknowledging the legitimacy of your request, then then are bullies. "No, I won't listen to you. You're wrong because I have the power in this relationship and I say you're wrong". That's what a bully does. The only way to change this equation is to change your own behavior

No, FIL is acting as head of the household. He's the head and his grownup sons and DIP (daughter-in-law) still listens to him. There's no boundaries. The men are doing what they're supposed to be doing-bringing in the income. And DIL is doing what she's supposed to be doing - taking care of the home (which includes raising the children and sick MIL.)

None of the the men will do anything because they got it great. FIL gets to runaway from the gross (poop cleaning) caregiving of his wife by using the excuse of having to work.. They got it really good. Sigh.... They need a wake up call that only you can deliver.

It sounds as though your FIL is something of a bully!

Increasing paranoia is part of dementia. The brain's inability to process information correctly spits out a very distorted reality. We hear about it in the form of paranoid ravings, ranting, fits, hissies, distrust of everything and everyone.

kristi27, do you anyone who personally had items stolen from the house from a professionally trained Caregiver? Guess this stereotype goes into the same column as any professional who comes into one's home who one might think they will steal you blind, like the nurse, the housekeeper, the painter, the electrician, the plumber, the carpet cleaner, next door neighbor, kid's friends, kid's friends' parents, etc. Shall we put a moat around the house and add a dozen security cameras. Oops, got to be careful about the guys that install the security cameras.... [sigh]

This so much sounds like my parents, they don't even trust the mailman so they have their mail delivered to a post office box.... hmmm, wonder who puts the mail in that post office if not a mailman???

FIL *does* want help, Kristi (sorry to contradict you so flatly). The thing is, he expects you to provide the help, free gratis and for nothing; and the upshot of that is that the costs all fall on you. No such thing as a free lunch; no such thing as free home assistance, either.

So the principle is established: to care for his wife, FIL requires help. The next question is, where is that help to come from? The current situation is that it all comes from you. That is not acceptable; that is what you need to change; and it is indeed up to you to identify alternative resources and get them tapped into.

Although, actually, it isn't your responsibility to do that - it's your husband's and his brother's - but it is in your best interests. Research local options, get them round the kitchen table, formally hand the problem over to them and wash your hands of it. It's one thing to take your fair share, another to be taken for granted as the family's bottle washer, granny minder and general factotum. Enough's enough.

You cannot change his mind, or anyone's mind. You can only change your behavior.

FIL does not want help. His mother passed last year and he thinks ( and how I will ever change his mind) hospice help her die. He says " how can you trust people in your home." He has antiques and she has old dolls. Not sure if there worth anything but to them a fortune. How can you find someone trust worthy? I have had people that do sit with elderly tell me to be careful because they will steal you blind. Thanks for hugs! And ChrisfromCanida I really do believe they think I would stay home all day. No I would not! I would go visit family or run errands and get stuff done! I am not a home body but being forced to be a home body.

Hi Kristi, I feel so bad for you. And I feel so bad for your children. You don't know how long caregiving MIL can last. I sent you a {HUG}. See on the top right corner of the page, click PUBLIC PROFILE.

Kristi, show the men folk these comments. Then say, "I'm giving notice".

"Taking care of business" and "working" are code words for avoiding the problem. Don't you DARE let your hubs & FIL off the hook that way. That is helping them avoid their responsibilities, which is nice and convenient. When something inevitably happens to YOU (back injury, nervous breakdown, hospitalization) are Husband & FIL going to keep "going into work"? You have to go into work every day too - it's called child rearing and it is FULL FLIPPING TIME work. I have seen men do this for the 20 years I've been in corporate America and it makes me angry. Why do they get a hall pass because of "business"? It's avoiding a non-preferred activity, assuming that us women-folk don't mind. Well we do.

They have you mistaken for a skilled nurse, housekeeper, personal attendant, medication nurse, activity coordinator, kitchen prep, meal delivery, and housekeeping. These are all full time jobs people get paid for at the NH. And they get to go home at the end of their shift! Where is your relief?

Hubs & FIL don't know what to do or where to start. I'm cynical, so I wouldn't count on them for support, help, guidance, or anything else that will help you out. If they could, they would be doing that already.

YOU have to call in the troops, step out of the way, and stop assigning yourself to these tasks. Oh there's nobody to do it but you? Yes there is. You have to call them. The doctor can write orders for in-home care. The doctor can have a strong talk with dad & hubs that mom needs 24/7 supervision and it can't be you. Call mom's doctor and request a phone call with him/her where you can explain your crisis. Use the word CRISIS.

Call the county agency on aging and say that you are in crisis - this is a real crisis by the way - and say that you can no longer provide care due to exhaustion and your own young children. You need a social worker STAT. Don't talk yourself out of it. Don't talk it down or diminish it. As women we naturally want to look brave, suck it up, and handle everything. Stop doing that or you won't get help.

With dementia, look ahead and plan the next step beyond in-home care. At some point that won't be the right answer any more, and you don't want to wait until the next crisis to start figuring it out. This means touring facilities. FIL & Hubs need to figure out the financials or make you power of attorney to do it. I would refuse to though. This is where they can actually help out - with the money and paperwork.

So many people come here and want change and help but won't get out of the way so it can happen. Things may have to get worse for your MIL before they get better, so STOP running in to rescue. If she stinks, FIL needs to figure out how to get a personal attendant in there to do bathing and hygiene tasks.

Kristi, it really is up to you to act...don't wait for FIL or BIL to see the light - they won't. After all with you on the job they don't have to. You'll have to rescue the situation yourself - your job is your kids - MIL is FIL's responsibility. Yes, hands on responsibility, not executive issuing orders. When he is forced to face up to facts, the problem will get resolved. But the power is in your hands, not FIL's or BIL's, but yours. You can just say NO!

Have a family discussion about your MIL and demand they take turns helping or pay for a caregiver several days a week. Your husband should be supporting your decision and realizing the strain it has on you plus not a save enviroment for your 18 month old. Speak up for yourself and don't back down! Your family is your priority, esp. your children. Perhaps she is deteriorated to the point tht she needs a nuring home, have her doctor send someone to evaluate her and then do what she says! You have more responsibility to your children than to her. Stand your ground

Grannynanny!

I'm always AMAZED that so many women look after their husband's parents. And -- with all due respect to the wonderful men who are caring for their wives -- it's usually women, isn't it, who do the majority of the caregiving.

I don't give a hoot that my in-laws are "family". They are, thankfully, healthy. But if they weren't, I would NEVER make it my 24/7 job to change their diaper, feed them, or argue with them about their distorted version of reality. Especially at the expense of my relationship with my own family. I guess your husband's family thinks, "She's already at home with the baby. She can keep an eye on Mom."

You need to put your foot down. No, really. You're not doing your own kids any favours by being so worn down by the MIL. Because the other people in your family behave like ostriches with their head in the sand (yes, your husband is included in this tirade), you'll probably have to look into a couple of options for them: at home care, adult day care or, better yet, a retirement/nursing home. Then, after you've given your husband (and/or the rest of his family) these options, drop the mic. Boom! Out! Seriously. Tell them you've had ENOUGH, and you can't do it for one minute more. The ball will be in their court. Do it.

Didn't realize your husband's father was alive and in the picture. My dear, women have the vote. It's ridiculous for you to be cleaning up after MIL when you've got children to tend to and what sounds like a capable father-in-law. Caregiving is not just "women's work!" Sit down with family members and make clear how you are feeling and hopefully things will change.