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And doing what I want to do without caregiving duty. My two adult kids & I had tentatively planned on meeting at a family resta urant that she finds comfortable, but after a short illness she is slower than usual, tires easily and gets more confused. I am feeling burned out (she lives with me) and would just enjoy time withiut the caregiving burden. Would like to try a new restaurant which I know she would not like & ordering from an unfamiliar menu will be arduous. Am I being selfish for wanting to change our plans to not include her? On one hand it is my birthday; on the other I would not be here without her. She & I could have our own special celebration later in the day, but her grandkids would not be able to attend due to work. Help! Major guilt attack!

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Sorry this is coming so late, but thanks to you all for your input and advice. I did go out with my kids to the new restaurant and we all enjoyed the time together immensely. No guilt! I then stopped at my mother's favorite restaurant and picked up a slice of their lemon meringue pie she loves. She & I then had a nice dinner at home. Three days later she was in the hospital with a heart attack, but that was treated and after a week she came home & is doing well. So glad I took the time for myself. That bit of respit helped me have the strenghth to be there for her.
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Half of my life has been just work and caregiving. I've survived standing over the edge - to end it all - because I truly believed I was in a prison forever. I've learned from this site that I don't have to give my all to my bedridden mom, and now my bedridden father. I've learned to cut one of my caregiving chain that ties me down to my parent. I can now go to parties or eat out at restaurants with NO guilt. I still struggle with the bitterness/resentment that I had put my dreams on hold to help dad caregive mom. I believe it's call 'detachment.'

So, depending on your relationship with your parent, how much stress you have endured for them, having a birthday celebration Without your parent should be your caregiver Respite. This is a time when you can enjoy this special day without having to cater and cajole a parent to 'behave' or worry or be embarrassed, etc... Just think of it as the one day in the year for YOUR day off from caregiving. We do deserve this. You can always make up for it on Their birthday.
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Because my parents are in their mid-90's and going out to eat has become cumbersome for them, I have dinner here at home for birthdays.... but I don't cook, I order full meals from places such as Olive Garden and my sig other goes and picks up the meals. We are lucky the restaurant is close by. It works great :)
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Everyone deserves time away and your birthday is the perfect occasion. It is your day and you should enjoy it without the usual caregiver chores for at least a nice meal with your children. Guilt has no place in your life! Happy early Birthday!
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I don't know... My feelings are going against the stream here. Would it hurt your mother not to be included in your birthday celebration? Then you have to weigh whether it is worth it if she would be. She doesn't have a whole lot of birthdays left. I know it is a chore to take parents places with us, so I understand where you're coming from. I do think you need to weigh your decision based on what you've done traditionally and what you want to do. Maybe your mother would be willing to do a change of restaurants and someone can order for her.
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I would not feel one bit guilty. Tell your mother that you need some time with your own kids. End of story.
I don't take my father to restaurants anymore because it's no outing for me, only a very unpleasant chore and I just resent him more for it.
Have a good time with your own kids and don't fall into the trap that caregivers must provide restaurant outings for their parents. Caregiving is no picnic let alone steering them around when you go out.
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It's YOUR birthday! Listen to all the excellent advice above.
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Enjoy your birthday without mom in attendance. You two can celebrate at another time. Happy Early Birthday!
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If celebrating your birthday without your mom is the biggest thing you have to feel guilty about, you must lead a very blameless life! :D

Listen to MaggieMarshall. Have a mother-daughter celebration, too.
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No! You're not being selfish. You're being smart. You deserve this. Care givers too often put themselves last. They shouldn't. The most important person in a care giver's life MUST be themselves.

Get a care giver for your mom (if she needs one) and leave her at home. You and mom have that little celebration together. After all, her grandkids weren't WITH you both on your REAL birthday. Ha!

Go to a little extra trouble -- maybe make the celebration a little special by getting a small (her favorite) kind of cake that's decorated with "Here's to Mom!! Today's my birthday!" (or some-such) Candles. Some sparkling grape juice to toast yourselves, some great big hugs. Your mom will be delighted.

Save room for dessert. ;)

Have a wonderful day. You absolutely positively deserve it!!
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