Follow
Share

My husband just wants to stay in bed 24/7. He says I’m nagging him when I tell him to get up and get dressed (which he is still capable of doing). He doesn’t want to eat and has been hospitalized for dehydration in the past because he doesn’t drink enough water. He doesn’t seem to be interested in anything. It’s a daily battle trying to get him to eat and drink. He takes medication daily and needs to eat/drink. I’m afraid he’s going to end up in the hospital again at this rate. Any suggestions?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I saw this post and thought "somebody is posting about MY DH".

Mine does/did the same thing. How old is your DH? Mine began the marathon sleep sessions years ago...managed to work FT AND sleep FT. Used most vacay time to sleep and ALL sick time and "comp time."

My DH has basically, severe, untreatable depression/anxiety. He had a liver transplant 12 years ago, and was handed a miracle in that. Didn't change anything. He recovered, but started the depression in the healing process and never dealt with it. IS not compliant in his own care.

About 5 weeks ago he had a heart attack, then 2 weeks later, another one. He's worse now that he was before. Won't get up, won't eat at the table, just sleeps all day everyday. Every few days he gets 'yelled at' by somebody (one of the kids, me, one of his many drs) and he gets up for one day, overdoes it, activity wise and is bed bound for 2-3 days.

Panic attacks have had us back in the ER twice.

He's irritable, angry, unkind to me and is just rude enough to keep me at arm's length, so I do not want to be near him.

Best advice I got, I got from a friend last week. She said 'You don't want to leave him, you don't want to stay, how about just co-existing with him? Do what you need/want to do, make meals and put them on the table and if he wants to get up, he will. Stop nagging. Go out with friends. Take a nap. Ignore his whining."

Well, I am working on that.

You can make that same decision. It's really, really hard. I feel unloved and yet VERY needed at the same time. He's in a foul mood all the time. And this is probably the best he will ever be.

I haven't totally accepted this as my "future"--it's certainly not what we'd planned. I am getting a PT job soon and plan to be NOT at home as much as possible. Basically, living a single but married life.

I imagine that on this site, I can best relate to what you feel. You didn't sign up for FT caregiver for a healthy but lazy person. You feel cheated and angry. Your kids (if you have any) alternately think you are too kind to him or too mean. You can't win. He won't listen and doesn't care. You are doing all the caring.

I have tried EVERYTHING short of leaving and asking for a divorce and leaving him alone--and I have told him once that I was going to do just that if he didn't try to have a life. Didn't really rock his boat.

My heart aches for you. Really.

Wish I had something besides platitudes to give you. My DH has walked to death's door times and knocked LOUD to get in--yet he keeps living. I wonder why. He wonders why. But then he just rolls over and watches more FoxNews.

I'm so sorry.

{{Hugs}}
Liz
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
JColl7 Jul 2018
Your situation sounds like mine. It is like co-existing in the same house. I fix food but end up dining alone most days. Sometimes he will come downstairs to eat. Most days he prefers to stay in bed. Also when company comes, he’ll get dressed and come down, acts like all is well, then the next couple of days, it’s in bed all day. We’ve had visiting nurses, PT & OT. After they leave, it’s back to his normal routine. I can’t make him eat/drink enough. The one positive thing though is that he isn’t cranky or combative. He just wants to stay in bed. He says he’s not in any pain. He’s getting weaker by not using his muscles and has actually fallen a few times (thank goodness he didn’t hurt himself). He refuses to use his cane!!!
I’m glad there is this support group that understands. Thanks for your help.
(3)
Report
There may be other things at play here. First when it comes to the liquids it's a common problem, as we age and certainly elderly who are infirrmed have a hard time remembering to stay hydrated. A big factor, I think is simply that when someone isn't getting any exercise they aren't thirsty and that's been the reminder to drink most of their lives. We still need as much water daily but we aren't active and our bodies forget to remind us.

Not getting out of bed, might he be in pain or something else physical is hindering him that he either isn't admitting or doesn't recognize is as much of a hindrance as it is? This is different but my dad for instance has terrible arthritis in his knees and back, he is in a lot of pain walking, just getting up but he isn't a complainer so doesn't tell you how much it hurts every time he walks across the room. His wife for whatever reason can't seem to hear that he is in pain, she complains about her knee all the time but even though he has told her how much pain he is in here and there I guess because he doesn't say that every time he gets up she doesn't think it's that bad (the doctor has told them both knees are bone on bone and recommends double knee replacement). She constantly complains about him spending so much time in his chair, it's one of those recliners so props his legs up, tells him he's lazy and I think she really thinks this, is actually worried about him not being active enough. They just aren't communicating about this well, he isn't explaining it well enough and she isn't hearing him. Might there be something going on your husband either isn't telling anyone including the doctors about or acknowledging himself? Might his medications be contributing? Sometimes over time a build up or body chemistry change can alter the side affects or even efficacy of medications, worth talking to his doctor about.

If no to the above maybe getting his doctor to order PT or finding something that makes him want or have to get up and out would help get him going. Does he get up when people/family visit, is there a hobby he has always enjoyed?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Y’all are both describing my husband! He does remain pretty agreeable and I’m so grateful for that. He has had a series of things—a stroke that left his left side weak, a broken left hip and full hip replacement, and a broken left femur with resulting surgery. Since his surgery last September he has continually grown weaker in spite of 3 two week stints of inpatient rehab and in-home and outpatient rehab the rest of the time. He’s also developed some dementia.

A month ago he decided that he would never leave the house again and told the home health therapists not to come any more. The therapist suggested that we contact hospice, which we did.

My husband has been hospitalized for being dehydrated too and he doesn’t eat much. Hospice is all about letting him do whatever he wants to, although they encourage him to eat and drink. He’s quit taking all but essential meds and the ones he does take are sent to the house by hospice. They come and bathe him and a nurse comes twice a week.

My husband isn’t interested in anything either. He used to be on the computer, read a lot, and now he does nothing. He doesn’t even watch TV when he’s in bed. I feel like the dementia is responsible for that.

I really feel for both of y’all, Liz and JColl7. It gets so lonely and sometimes I feel like I’m living with a stranger.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Much older man diagnosed with mid-stage dementia...

How old, if it's not a rude question?

When, diagnosed? You say depression has been ruled out; and perhaps there is no definable clinical depression as such; but then again how would you feel in his shoes? What would you want to be up and at 'em for?

No physical problem? Then what's the daily medication for?

Not drinking enough to the point of requiring hospitalisation for dehydration is pretty extreme. Most of us don't really drink enough, but we just get headaches and feel below par and congest our systems. What would you say led to his situation becoming this serious?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
JColl7 Jul 2018
He is 82 years old. He had to stop driving about 2 years ago because he was no longer a safe driver. I think having to give up that independence would depress the average driver. However he still did things and I told him I would drive him anywhere he wanted to go. His dementia has progressed over the past year and he prefers to sleep the day away. He used to sleep until 3pm and then get out of bed, but most days now, he’ll stay in bed all day and night. What led to the dehydration? It’s hard to eat and drink enough when you’re sleeping the day away.
(0)
Report
Well here it is...this is my husband also. He has had depression since we met in one form or another. He is a veteran with PTSD and after throat cancer which nearly killed him 3 yrs ago, and a stroke last year, a vascular dementia diagnosis two months ago, and major depression along with worsening symptoms of his other ailments have gotten worse.
He won't shower -- "I'm too weak, or too dizzy or feel off..."
He is getting forgetful about taking his meds which I now have to carefully manage. He has stopped helping with the farm work and rarely comes out of the house.

His days are spent napping with his CPAP. We've had many doctors work with him and OT and PT too. He can walk around the large VA facility with no problem right now to get to his appointments. However, as soon as we get home...he is in bed.

He will get up to ask for supper or for me to make him something to eat for lunch and lately I have been directing him to make his own lunch.

This morning I awakened at 3AM with the realization that he may not ever want to do any more than what he is doing right now. This may be it.
Since he won't shower and won't let me help him shower, I am departing from our bedroom. I told him I won't sleep in the same room with him if he won't bath or shower.

He does have Major Depressive Disorder along with Vascular Dementia so I am trying very hard to figure out what may motivate him. He was told by doctors to start moving or he would just get worse.
And he doesn't care.

His prostrate issues with leakage are much worse when he doesn't move around. But he is sure that he can't go anywhere because he leaks and...he doesn't want to drink water because he ...may leak...so there is that too.

That is frustrating for me. However since he isn't a fall risk...yet... I have decided that I will not sit in the house waiting for him to get up and seeing what he wants.

My next step is to see when I can get some in home care for him. I can't bath him, but bringing in a nurse may help??

JColl7, I can't imagine your husband would stay in bed all day unless there is some sort of depression going on. Even a very mild form of it. My MIL was diagnosed with AL this spring and she insists on sitting in her chair and napping all day and says she is not depressed. However, she rarely wants visitors and doesn't leave her apartment unless her Helping Hands person insists on going for groceries. The doctors say MIL has very mild depression but no meds for it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not easy at all. I hope you find some time for yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
JColl7 Jul 2018
i believe he must be depressed but the doctors are saying it’s part of his dementia. He was on an antidepressant for over a year and that produced no change whatsoever. The answers and scenarios I am reading here are all so relatable. I am amazed that so many people are going through similar experiences. Sad, but glad we have this support system.
(1)
Report
I just feel SO SORRY AND SAD for you all.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Sorry for all these problems.   If I were in your shoes I would get a 2nd opinion as far as his depression as well getting another physical.  Doctors are known for making mistakes. 

Not wanting to get out of bed as well as not eating sounds like signs of depression to me in my non-medical opinion.  When my Mom (who has vascular dementia) doesn't want to leave her bed I know she is depressed just by looking at her.  

I never nag my Mom because I know if I do that I will get negative results.  Instead I give her a hug and ask her to talk to me and let me know what she is feeling.   Or I think of something fun to do (like playing cards or singing a song) that will change her attitude for the better.  Sometimes it's a little thing like playing music she likes as that makes her feel better.  Music is very therapeutic.

On the days when my Mom really doesn't feel good I will make her a smoothie (using almond milk, fresh spinach, kale, banana, etc.) and bring it to her bedroom and walk out.  

My last suggestion is to watch Teepa Snow youtube video's...  They helped me a lot in dealing with my Mom.

Don't know if this helps or not.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I may not be depression but it could be apathy, here are a couple of links for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvXKH6UoROs

http://alzheimer.ca/en/Home/Living-with-dementia/Understanding-behaviour/Apathy
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes, watch Teepa Snow’s youtube videos or "Understanding Vascular Dementia” workshop done by Teepa. It is available at Pines of Sarasota website. An amazing source of knowledge. It is not that he doesn’t care- he can’t care. Strongly recommend Teepa’s videos, it helped us a lot.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
YsLadyMN Jul 2018
I found a lot of suggestions useful in the Teepa video "It's All in Your Approach". I'm answering, as this sounds like my mother!! All day in bed, no interest in ANYTHING.
(0)
Report
I haven’t commented on any of the questions of the people who are trying hard to find answers in order that they can learn and improve the care for their loved ones. When I read the response of “Countrymouse” and immediately felt that the vibes as cavalier. I happen to be a, partial, caretaker of my fiancé’s Mom who suffers from Alzheimer’s with Dementia. In a way I was forced to care for her my fiancé works long hours and also has a medical condition. Anyway, my Mother in Law sleeps a lot and often gets up around 2:00. I don’t think she has been diagnosed as depressed; however, I have heard that people who stay in bed most of the day are. I have noticed if she is awakened earlier, for instance 10:00 or so in the morning, she is very confused and might be confrontational. She often is exhausted and will often fall asleep where ever she is, after having a an episode ( not sure exactly what to call it, technically; however, it seems almost like sleep walking and then collapsing) So possibly she needs the sleep long hours to function? My Mother in Law is capable of dressing, bathing, and eating. However, her son enables her so much that she prefers to ask us to do most things for her ie: accommodating her wishes and needs, getting dressed at times, and serving/clearing her meals throughout the day. Everyday she “packs” and hoards items in her room. Well, I have diagressed.... I wish you well in finding options for your Father. It sounds very difficult and stressful. Take care
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Infinity Jul 2018
Mom does the same, hoarding snacks even though I feed her very well. My problem is she tucks these things down inside the recliner and then she could very well leak urine or worse, and when I stick my hand down there it is urine soaked! And I shudder wondering if she has ever ate some of these things behind my back? Poor dear. Thank gawd for surgical gloves!
(1)
Report
To all of you posting with this frustrating problem. I have been where you are-still there actually.
I have a very wonderful friend that told me last summer, “You need to let them be who they are.”

If you have tried everything, and they are safe and not neglected, all the frustration and anger and nagging will not change a thing. A person does not have “some” dementia. Dementia is brain damage. If your loved one was not lazy before, but they are now, dementia has changed their brain.

If they have heart problems, their heart has changed, and they are not the same person they were.

The biggest hurdle for for me was realizing my father and my husband are changed forever. It will never be the same relationship we had before this. They are not the same people. My father with vascular dementia, my husband with chronic pain and bi-polar. I have a new relationship with them that is based on what they are now. And with my own life that I must live on my own terms.

If you have run out of things to try, the only option left is to accept the person the way they are, and go from there. That person you had a life with is gone, so a new relationship and way of living is starting. I hope people reading this understand what I am trying to say.
I am not a mean or uncaring person, but I have found peace with allowing people to live out their lives as best they can, without trying to change them into who they were.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Lymie61 Jul 2018
A very good point Prairie but you don't want to just accept changes, especially behavior that is detrimental to their health as inactivity is, without making sure there isn't a medical or emotional reason that can be helped. Inactivity is not only bad for long term heart and vascular health, recent studies have been done that indicate it has a greater affect on dementia then they thought. Not just developing dementia in the future but improving symptoms and memory after diagnosis. On the other hand there can be a fine line I suppose between our desire to keep our loved ones around for as long as possible and their desire to be around or do the work to be around longer...
(1)
Report
See 3 more replies
Hum -- a very interesting thread. I am sort of in the same boat but my DH has peripheral neuropathy and can no longer walk, stand, transfer. We were doing all of that (he is 250 lbs and 6'5") with a Hoyer lift. He has an electric wheel chair but preferred to sit in his recliner all day and watch old tv shows on his phone (not tv or tablet). No conversation. Not interested in anything to do with life -- i.e. home, outings, me. Wanted to eat dinner at 3 PM. In June in hospital for staph infection in knee then to rehab. Did not contribute to his PT so they wouldn't keep him after the 21 day period. Now won't get out of bed -- says hurts too much. Not so sure about that but --
I have had caregivers and sons who help. I can no longer physically care for him and my son who is very strong cannot lift him anymore. After this hospital stay we discussed and moved him into a board and care. I go almost daily , help with exercises and try to be encouraging.

Feelings -- it was lonely, sad, and horribly physically demanding as well as life limiting for me when he was at home. Now it is lonely and sad. Guilt is huge. But here is the thing -- is it my responsibility to make him do what he must do to at least be able to sit in the wheelchair -- to better his quality of life??? He yells at me if try to have him do anything that is hard and won't do things the way the OT or PT have instructed. He will weaken more due to the disease but he could still, with help be out of bed.

He is on anti depressants but don't really think that helps much. He is not interested in anything and is, of course, loosing some memory. We will not be able to keep him in this facility for too long but right now it is a break for all of us -- but sooooo sad.

Non of us signed up for this, it is so very hard physically and emotionally.
I guess that really didn't offer any helpful suggestions except to say you are not alone. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I wonder if he is simply "tired of living" and perhaps not actually "depressed". I suspect this happens to some people--no longer do they have the desire to do what it takes to thrive, perhaps feeling there is compelling reason for them to try to extend their lives. If so, then that should be respected.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
jacobsonbob Jul 2018
I meant to say "..feeling there is NO compelling reason.."
(1)
Report
I already commented on this post--and to see people coming out and talking about the exact same things I am experiencing--well, I can't say I feel BETTER...but I don't feel worse.

My DH slept ALL weekend. He made himself one meal---dill pickles and beef jerky. Even knowing I would be home from church by 4 at the latest, he simply filled up on this weird combination of foods. (He refuses to cook, although he will make eggs, which is all he can cook, if he's desperate)

He actually went to the office today, I am sitting here in absolute shock--b/c I know he doesn't have the energy to do this, and also, he hasn't sat up for more than an hour or two in weeks! I'm positive he'll be home by noon and back in bed. He's making sounds about retiring--and we simply cannot afford for him to do that. We'd have to hire out all the things I do for free, as he cannot do them--and I'd have to go to work to pay for healthcare ins. He cannot make a decision about this--and my feeling is, he needs to work to have ANY semblance of a life. --work is his number one love-w/o question. It's kept him sane and moving for the last 12 years of bad health and serious depression. He now has succumbed to the depression and has given up.

We all have a "similar" problem--a person who wants us to live and breathe for them, but not by nagging or chastening them. I have yet to figure out how to do this.

I haven't slept in our bedroom for 3 years. He chose the TV over me, so he has filled the master bedroom with all his junk. I keep it clean, but only b/c it's a room that people can easily see. It breaks my heart every night to get ready for bed and he sets the TV for FoxNews and we're off to the races. He doesn't talk or interract with me at all once the TV is on. That's the "shush now, go away" sign. And I do.

Today he sees his psych doc. I have zero hope that she will even try to help him. Just a box to check off, she doesn't care about him. He'll see his cardiac doc on Friday, and I know he'll lie to the doc and tell him he's been doing "great".

I am working at having a life of my own, apart from him in any way. I give up trying to interest him in anything I like. The best I can hope for is her actually works 3 more years and then retires to sleep until he dies. That's his plan.

I understand all of you and I hurt for all of you, too. It feels absolutely hopeless. I can't talk about it people, they cannot understand the incredible ennui that is my DH's life. He doesn't care about anything.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Sounds like depression. Is there anything hobby or sport (ie golf) he likes to do? Does he have any friends? Sounds like he needs something to focus on. Does he like cats or dogs. Sometime a pet will give you a reason to get up and walk or feed it. Can you afford a trip somewhere even if just for the weekend. Sometimes a change of scenery at a beach or beautiful area is enough to get someone seeing how beautiful the world is outside of their little box. Instead of nagging maybe ask him to help you with a project or take a ride with you just to get out of the house. If that doesn't work you might need to just have a heart to heart with him and share your fears. Might be a good idea to get him to a doctor as well and see if they can prescribe something for depression.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Yes,I am familiar with that situation,and can appreciate your frustration.At its core, I do believe depression of some sort does exist,whether diagnosed or not.That being said,I tried different approaches,to meet my loved one where they were.Now,do not laugh,but I had some revolutionary results,when I utilized and purchased a set of small finger size cards,that simply asks questions as in," what is your favorite....?"The stack of cards,the size of a pack of cigarettes,proved to be a lifesaver. ( the cards are part of a series called " chat packs"which i stumbled across in a bookstore)Since all my prior attempts ,perhaps like yours,seemed to fail,I took an approach to try to meet my loved one," where he currently was," and spent 30 min a day asking some of the fun based questions Eventually my loved one would ask,so ,"how would you answer that",which stunned me beyond words!!! What I began to hear and learn were answers to ques.I never asked or thought of,and became emotionally educated by the answers,and gave me a peek into "his world"( past & present). What seems so obvious and ordinary became very informative.Such answers as a favorite childhood book,and memories to different simple scenarios,allowed me to reflect on " his world" and how different we were,etc..The answers nost often reflected on,his childhood memories,which I thought I was aware of in full, but in truth,was not!!( if we never ask,we do not know,but only in truth,",assume",and may be surprised at the truth!!) The answers became a fun game of sorts,as when someone is immobile,or chooses to be,the attention is on them,which works in your favor,but the lightness of the questions also serves as a distraction,and may offer,some new tools into how to proceed.... It provided for me an invisible set of instructions,which was a detour from how I usually acted,or what I expected,etc .Often in life ," we listen,but do not hear,and hear,and do not listen"that goes both ways.I do believe you may be a good listener and hearer,( new words) so I am just suggesting some new tools that may resolve,or partially assist, some of the current ,in bed issues.Miraculously my loved one thought I had been miraculously " enlightened" when in truth,my exasperation and ongoing frustration,led me to utilize a tool,I have used frequently as a former school counselor and educator.To this day,the answers,to some light hearted, and innocently insightful questions,gave me a further peek,into a world that for my loved one,that was not always so joyful.Men mask sadness,and often deny its existence,which comes out,as "well this is how it is,and so accept it,or... " Men often do not ask,for help,and Rarely will they say",this is how I feel."I have learned,that what we may think,and what we feel,are 2 very different,and often misunderstood sides of the same coin.Feel vs.think..As in,I may act angry,or become stubborn,when in truth inside,I may feel Alone,not heard,or am frustrated with myself,and my current way of thinking Some food for thought,based on my experiences.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Infinity Jul 2018
Your are awesome! I'm going to make some cards for my mom! She loves to do dot to dots and easy word searches and she loves adult coloring books. Through the coloring books I have noticed a dramatic decline in her as now she just colors, going out of the lines, unlike how she was a year ago. And I love the hallmark channel and local channels that do not show violence as this upsets her. My hats off to caregivers as it is a very challenging job! Hug to all!
(2)
Report
Call Alzheimer’s Association they have live councils to assist.

My 83 year dad was like that when I first got him almost 2 years ago. I started him on B12 vitamins 3000 mg & Muscle building Protein drinks since he wouldn’t eat or wanted to sleep most of the day. After couple of weeks he got his strength, so took him to doctor. Dad had an infection & treated with antibiotics.
Today all his doctors are amazed that dad is more alert , doesn’t sleep all day, and loves to watch movies.
To motivate my dad I try to do things his likes ; we go out to lunch, visits grandsons, church luncheons & more.
Hope this helps !
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Mom won't leave her recliner, to poo and pee, eat, sleep, etc. It is more stressful to "force" the issue as she has a walker, insists upon the lights on all night and roams the house looking for food. She is fed 3 meals a day and snacks so she is not hungry. With this said it is difficult to help. Yesterday I entered the room and she was tying knots into her nasal cannula. So caregiving is frustrating but patience is a virtue. It takes a lot of patience but I put those dry packets of flavoring in her water and she will drink it if flavored. There are some very nice ones out there some even with electrolytes. Also try the liquid meal replaces for extra vitamins. Mom will eat almost anything so I limit the junk but yesterday she ate half a raw sausage! Constant observations necessary and it tends to wear us out! There is excessive laundry to expect. Take care and good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My husband just turned 50 on the 2nd of Jan. He sits around all the time. He takes about 10 steps to the bathroom from where he sits in a recliner. Maybe 5 steps to the frig, 8 steps to the table if he’s is in his chair (where he normally is). About 6 steps from the front door.
When he gets up he struggles to walk many days. I have no insurance and no support. His mom is not in the best of health. His dad has passed. No siblings. On the 2nd I took him out to eat. (I try to at least go on Friday nights and Saturday evening to get him out of the house. He will not go in a store and sits in the car no matter how hot or if raining). Anyways when he passed out right before that he was actually having a conversation with me and another person after he went to the bathroom. He then got sick and then passed out. Called 911 he was admitted till the 4th. (Restaurant workers later told me he had made a mess in the bathroom) the Nurse's noticed the smell of the mess for he didn’t clean his self. Come to find out he wasn’t even wearing underwear.
Said he doesn’t have any. In which that’s not true. But a mother story. The whole time he acted like his normal self before he had multi strokes on the brain and Vascular dementia. Before he was admitted on the 2nd he does nothing. Not even take a shower. Yes he has underwear. I find them under the bed on his side and clothes in general as well as nasty toilet paper.
So we have been back to the restaurant since then and the last 2 times, I thought was okay until Saturday evening. One of the workers called me from the table and said “something needs to be done, the last 2 times the bathroom has been awful. I apologize and so I guess that’s that and will not take him there . It’s embarrassing, and not fair to them to clean up after him like that. I can’t argue with them cause I have been through and still going through the same at home. I got a cheap shower curtain and had hung it behind the commode and one side on the sink cabinet as well as along the Tub. Yes it’s that bad plus some . All over the floor under the lid and ring as well as the inside of the door on floor and sometimes on the hand towel. Yes on his pants on also.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
shad250 Jul 2018
This is sad
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
I just checked out Teepa Snow videos on You Tube. She's the 1st person that I've heard who doesn't lump Alzheimer's with dementia. She explains a lot of types of dementia & their differences. I just saw "What is Dementia" & is a wealth of knowledge. Check it out.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

A question, not an answer. There are lots of abbreviations in these posts that I have yet to figure out. For example, what is DH?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
shad250 Jul 2018
Dear Husband
(0)
Report
See 2 more replies
This sounds a lot like my mother, and it's making my Dad depressed and insane. I have spent many weeks with them this year to purge, pack and get them into Assisted Living. They are 83 and 86 right now and Mom has moderate dementia, and the Neuro diagnosed depression, but the Psychiatrist is not so sure. Most of the many ER, Neuro and Geriatric professionals we have seen in the last year attribute almost all of her odd behaviors and self defeating behavior to the dementia. Anti-depressants do not work, we have tried 3.

That said; There were times that she would not get out of bed for up to 3 days at a time other than to go to the bathroom and MAYBE eat. Most days she will reluctantly get up around noon and be up for 8-10 hours. That's as good as it gets it seems.

We did find some approaches that work in Teepa Snow's "It's All in Your Approach". Thank you people here for spreading the news about Teepa Snow!! What this did for Dad and I was teach us how to approach things without trying to 'reason' with her... i.e. if you don't get out of bed, eventually you won't be able to. You have to walk to maintain the strength to stand and walk to the bathroom... THEY DO NOT CARE. Rational thought has left the building and the sooner you quit trying to make those connections between behavior and outcomes, the faster YOU will get sane again. The only way that we are really sucessful is to appeal to EMOTIONAL reasons.. Dad (or I) really need you to help me _________, Dad really needs you to help watch for signs and traffic when he's driving. The NEED to be needed, to have emotional reasons for doing something seem to work more than half the time. But ultimately nothing works all the time, and now the challenge is to move on, and get Dad to opt to do something other than stand over her brooding when she refuses to get up and participate in life.

We have tried appetite stimulants, physciatric stimulants, bribes, lies, physical force, EVERYTHING a family group of 5 could come up with and for the most part there is NOTHING that works very well. Acceptance and watching the person decline due to the unwillingness to get up and see the world, us, etc. is very difficult. I pray a lot.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
JColl7 Jul 2018
This is so similar to my DH’s behavior. He also was on an antidepressant for at least a year and that did not do anything. I have been trying to reason with him regarding the results of him lying in bed, losing his ability to walk, no strength, losing weight and you’re right, that does not work. I will check out the Teepa Snow’s videos you mentioned. (I’m assuming I can find them on YouTube?) Thanks so much for that. I’m new to this site and already have learned a lot.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
I see a lot of my father in these posts. My father had a stroke in CA a little over a year ago, and was released/dumped into my care here in OR. He finally got to see a doctor in Feburary, and I had the Dr (PCP) order him PT and ST. Once he started, he thrived! Since his trip in May to see family in CA, and no longer going to PT and ST he has degressed back to how he was when he first moved up here with me, in some areas is worse. He wants to sleep a lot (just slept 36 hrs.), and when he is up he just sits in front of the TV. He does not want to do any PT or ST, no walks, on nothing. He very rarely will ask for anything, and if I ask him how he is doing or feeling, I get the generic "I'm OK" or I'm just tired". His Dr has diagnosed him with depression, but dropped his dementia. I agree with the depression, but if the Dr could see him at home he would have to he has dementia. With other issues dealing with Senior and Disabled Services (DHS) and the caregiving agency they selected, I just emailed adult protective services about what is going on with him. I hope they can help him get the care he needs.

I wish everyone here the best! While I am not fond of my father's caregiving agency. I am so grateful that he does have a caregiver, as it allows me to escape for a few hours most days.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lymie61 Jul 2018
We are going through something similar with Mom. She had a stroke two years ago now I guess and when she is doing ST and or pool therapy (her motor function recovered fully quickly) her speech and cognitive function is night and day better, when her ST went on maternity leave her speech slipped but after she got back from visiting family in CA (believe it or not) she stopped wanting to leave the house or do anything and her speech and cognitive function is really showing it. Even though it's backsliding I am confident it would get better again if she started ST again but she has no interest. Not only is it hard to watch and support it's sad because we can see her needing more and more help meaning she will have to find another living situation sooner than if she were putting in the effort to keep as sharp as possible.
(1)
Report
my husband has dementia, he only wants to watch NCIS, luckily there are 17 seasons to watch, start at 1st run thru them then start at fist again. We take rides which he likes, then we come home, which keeps him awake for a while.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Val3rie Jul 2018
Oh my, I have to chuckle at that...I just went through listening to all seasons of NCIS ! And at full volume! He just got hearing aides and wears them once in a great while.
(0)
Report
You should ask his doctor for an evaluation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1. Find a doctor very skilled at dealing with the elderly.
2. Look for an answer in a big life change or trauma which happened in the weeks or months before it began. Im thinking retirement, loss of friend, death of loved one. And then determine if he needs to get into a grief or loss group to deal with these issues.

3. Did he have interests or hobbies before the onset of these problems? When I look at many men after they retire, they no longer know what to do with themselves because all they knew was working and supporting their family.

4. My only parallel is students in my classes who were immobilized to do any assignment they had an inkling they would not do well on it. This usually happened with a new skill. They would rather get a zero than get a low grade, as if that would prove how inadequate they were.

So, might he have a fear that he might not be successful at whatever is at hand?

5. And I'm certainly NOT a doctor, but it sure sounds like a form of depresion to me. Was that a doctor who said he was not depressed? I'd get a second opinion, and if they also say it's not depression, then expect them to tell you what is going on.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My 87 yr hubby w alz 11 yrs now sleeps usually till 2;30 had big healthy breakfast. I then have to be within view & get him doing number dot to dot or 100 pc puzzles. Same puzzles every day but his memory is 1 min. I praise him a lot like your a master puzzler etc. Keeps him going. Got a Dr Seuss "Hop on Pop" & he reads it w great gusto. When we go riding I tell him I need him to be my Co driver to help me w things I don't see. I've just lately decided he doesn't enjoy shopping so get caregiver stay w him & she works puzzles etc w him. I bring food home or we have eaten in a park. He is not in in incontenent. On antidepressant 10 yrs now
If I'm calm he's calm
Goes twice a wk adult day care & naps several hrs after then puzzles etc. Bed around 10 & gets up several times to pee. I have a lazier alarm if he walks out the bdrm. Get at Harbor Freight on sale $20.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
JColl7 Aug 2018
These suggestions are most helpful. Thanks so much for this.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Good gravy. Any chance he is taking Sinemet?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter