I am 65. During covid my mom, who was living with my niece for 9 wonderful yrs, came to do a summer visit at our house (as usual). 5 years later... she is still here. I lost my job during covid, and my husband is still working wanting to retire. He is ok with my mom being here and sometimes gets upset with me complaining but he's not with her 24/7. She is very sweet, but I have lost my life. She doesn't seem to understand boundaries and will go into our room to put laundry away or dust/vacuum as she had taken over those roles on her own, I think to help. She gets up early, stays up until we go to bed, makes friends with my friends, goes pretty much everywhere we go even on trips and vacations that we pay for. She doesn't drive and now I make all her appointments, take her to all appointments, call in her prescriptions. She is very healthy at 86 & capable of taking care of herself but doesn't make much on SS. she always had it in her mind that her kids will take care of her. She has lived with me almost all my life! I get no support from my sister and my niece I don't think wants her back even though she took care of her daughter for 9 yrs. I am very angry all the time as I have no ME time, no privacy, and our retirement plans no longer exist. 2 years ago, she went to spend time with my sister for a month but doesn't seem to want to go back no matter how hard I push. She has hearing aids but can’t hear very well, so I must repeat myself and she won't get a new cell phone even though hers doesn't work well. I feel taken advantage of! Suggestions?
She thought she was going to go home. It was a horrible conversation, I hated to be the one to tell her the hard truth that she was blowing through her money and in a few months she would have no money to pay caregivers and that I and my sisters could not handle living from crisis to crisis anymore and this was impacting other family members, our marriages, and the stress level was intolerable. We are not youngsters either. We are all in our 60s and I'm the oldest. I told her being in LTC was what was best for the family as a whole and that she is one piece of the family unit. She had to realize her children and grandchildren have needs too.
I had to tell her if she wanted to go home she was on her own to figure it out and not to expect any help from us. We just were not doing it anymore.
She cried and I felt very small. It was a hard truth and I refused to sugar coat it.
She stayed there until she died nine months later. Our relationship was not good the last two years before she died and this conversation did not help.
It is sad to say, but there's really now no sensitive or kind way to say that this isn't working for you, and you don't wish to continue in this situation.
First is to make this clear to your husband. It isn't about him. It is about YOU. And for you, what I wrote above is your truth, and that will not change.
We come down now to where mom can live. Sounds like she has been living with SOMEONE for some time now, so getting her an efficiency apartment isn't likely to work and will give you as many problems as you already have.
Once you and hubby understand where YOU stand in this, it is time for you both to approach your mother with the SAD TRUTH. That won't be kind either. There will be moments of rage, moments of desperation, moments of fear, crying and the whole sack full of angst for you to shoulder. It would have been easier had you not painted yourself in this corner; but you did. And it will be difficult to get out of it.
You will need to tell your mother that you are not at retirement age and you have plans for the next two decades that you are experiencing some of the most free times of your life. You want to be free to travel, to live your own life alone with your own husband in your own home. That you love her, and you are sorry, but that living with anyone else (including her) isn't an option that will work for you, and that plans now must be made for her move to senior care. That you and hubby will help her search for a place that is the best fit for her needs, given her assets.
You are asking for a way to make this OK. It isn't OK. And there are many times in your mom's full lifetime that things weren't OK. She lived through it. Life has hard times and good times. It's full of change and challenge. Tell her you love her, but don't want to live lifelong with a parent.
Good luck.
You know the two choices, so you are down to picking the one you can best live with.
How's that working for you Wearingdown?
Drop making her appointments and calling in her prescriptions. She should be able to do that.
I'd start touring senior housing with her.
If Mom becomes unhappy about that , oh well . Let her sulk in her room .
Or more accurately, you were a willing accomplice to mom's taking over your life. This isn't okay! Why not tell mom everything you have told us here? And inform her that she needs to be doing things for herself?
There may be hearing aids that would be more comfortable for her. Modern hearing aids are amazing, not bulky, and they are expensive. But people who can't hear well are at greater risk for dementia than the general population, so she needs to hear as well as possible. Discuss this with her ASAP.
Lots of able-bodied and not so able-bodied 86-year-olds live alone, take public transportation and enjoy an independent lifestyle with their own friends and activities. She needs to get her own life. And FYI, I would NEVER be so selfish as to put such obligations on my children. Never. No one should.
Put a lock on the bedroom door. Socialize with friends without her.
I'm amazed she is doing any helpful housework, since most spoiled Elders will sit all day and expect to be waited on. She sounds clingy and that is getting to you. What about Senior Daycare? Get her out from underneath you a few days a week? Hopefully you are getting paid some form of rent. Does she contribute money for food? Cook meals or do dishes? She could volunteer at the Senior Center?
You need to make your own plans, and tell her to go visit your sister when you and Hubby go on vacation....ALONE. Start leaving her out of all your activities, and just go do your thing and leave her at home. Tell her, "I'm going to get a manicure, going shopping, taking a GF to lunch" and just LEAVE. Start showing her she is not going to stick herself in with ALL your activities. If she asks, "Why can't I go?" Tell her your friend needs to talk privately, or you need some time alone.
Start leaving her home. That would get the message across. Making it easy and comfortable to live there has now backfired.
If Mom wants to go along on vacations, she needs to pay her own way. Better yet, stay home, so you have your own private vacations. You have allowed her way too much involvement, and have to start setting boundaries before you go crazy.
How did a short visit turn into 5 years? Bring it back to that main issue. Did you eve say, "Mom you can live here forever?" Two's company, three's a crowd.