So, we are sitting there at a Mother’s Day hotel brunch where I was seated next to mil. I’m praising her for having raised her child to never raise a hand against a woman and how I trust he would never…and then she drops the bombshell.
Which is that their Indy aide, who brought over her niece two years ago, is now smacking the kid around in full view of the in laws, and mil is saying maybe it’s a cultural issue.
I told my dh, and shtf. As in said fan was already on and he almost s himself, he was so angry. He marched right out to contact bil. Then bil, sil, dh and I all had an impromptu meeting about it. Sil, who still functions as a daytime caregiver for them, says she’s going to talk to mil and then relay her impressions. Which likely will be that they will request that the caregiver not beat this child in their presence.
I advised dh that as the firstborn of the family, he himself had the right to have his own conversation with his own parents especially as he himself pointed out how serious this is. That kid goes to school, teacher asks what mark that is on her face, kid says it happened at the house aunt works at and bam there’s a possibility of cps showing up.
We all understand, sil, that fil prefers this lady diaper him. However, when she went back to her own country for two weeks, fil was happy with having the “cousin” diaper and bathe him for the duration.
A few of you may remember my post whereas we discovered that this had not only persuaded the in laws to allow her niece to board overnight but self invited her alleged husband to stay over there for two weeks. We all had a family meeting where we emphasized the potential hazard in allowing the child to register in their far better district, for example, as well as dh emphasizing that the only reason this aide is here is to make money. It is always fundamentally a transactional relationship,
That was a couple years ago. Since then mil has minimized bringing up this child. It’s mostly her mentioning the kid made some Christmas decoration and we all then move to another subject.
So then why does mil hold my hand going into that restaurant, which she never has done, and then tell me personally that she’s distressed over witnessing this kid being slapped in front of them?
Dh does not think that’s a coincidence. In fact we all agree that perhaps mil might be afraid of the aide and/or ramifications of getting someone else, which we are in a position to facilitate.
Im sorry you guys. The situation is just insane. The in laws can demand that abuse not happen in their view but this aide and kid sleep in the same room. What’s stopping aide from leaving a slap or visible mark on this kid so as to invite questioning?
How do we persuade them to get her out? Because it’s long past.
No clowning or playing games here. Your MIL reached out to you because that kid being abused in her house bothers her and it's wrong. You can help that kid and your in-laws. An 'indy' aide is not hard to find. I was one for years before there was caregiver websites like care.com and even before there was an internet. It's easier today than ever to find private caregivers. You just have to put in some work and check them and their references out yourselves.
Your in-laws and their family don't have to settle for some low-life child abuser to be their caregiver. You and the family can find them a competent aide with some morality and a good work ethic. It's not that hard.
so, you know, if mil did drop that comment as a cry for help, we responded. And she has now brushed the matter off as in it was a long time back and she told the aide then to not do that and since then she hasn’t.
The in laws know that if they ask for assistance in ushering her out, the response will be strong and effective. They are not asking for that. So as with the legions of other people waiting for the fall, so are we.
CPS should be called.
So, that’s good to know
IIRC, you hadn't had a very high opinion of her and her judgement in the past, at least when it came to care of your in-laws...
If this lands your in-laws in a facility, so be it.
However, my first thought was that the aid is using threats and intimidation with your in-laws and that is where the odd behavior is coming from. So I would have a private chat with them, just you, not the crew, and then make calls.
Sorry, no way would I just hope nobody intervenes on behalf of this child and b!tc# caregiver so none of you have a hard time of it. She would be facing charges on my watch. Discipline is one thing, slapping someone around is ABUSE. It would suck to be her if this was my family.
Peggy, your in-laws pay enough for care, they will have no problem finding a good replacement. Please don't just look the other way, for that child's sake, if not for your in-laws. Abusers abuse and they abuse everyone they can. Act woman!
So many red flags here. I would find another caregiver immediately. Without hesitation.
We have had to let caregivers go for various reasons, and it is not an easy thing to do.
One continued to call me, trying to explain her behavior. She also had a history of being demanding and trying to get the other caregivers in trouble. Your experience sounds ten times worse than this and can have serious implications.
Another reason why we set up cameras in every room of our parents’ home. So we could have proof not only of our parents falling, but of how the caregivers were treating our parents.
I would add a camera and begin the process of replacing this aide as soon as you can.
I hope your situation improves, for everyone’s sake.