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So, we are sitting there at a Mother’s Day hotel brunch where I was seated next to mil. I’m praising her for having raised her child to never raise a hand against a woman and how I trust he would never…and then she drops the bombshell.
Which is that their Indy aide, who brought over her niece two years ago, is now smacking the kid around in full view of the in laws, and mil is saying maybe it’s a cultural issue.
I told my dh, and shtf. As in said fan was already on and he almost s himself, he was so angry. He marched right out to contact bil. Then bil, sil, dh and I all had an impromptu meeting about it. Sil, who still functions as a daytime caregiver for them, says she’s going to talk to mil and then relay her impressions. Which likely will be that they will request that the caregiver not beat this child in their presence.
I advised dh that as the firstborn of the family, he himself had the right to have his own conversation with his own parents especially as he himself pointed out how serious this is. That kid goes to school, teacher asks what mark that is on her face, kid says it happened at the house aunt works at and bam there’s a possibility of cps showing up.
We all understand, sil, that fil prefers this lady diaper him. However, when she went back to her own country for two weeks, fil was happy with having the “cousin” diaper and bathe him for the duration.
A few of you may remember my post whereas we discovered that this  had not only persuaded the in laws to allow her niece to board overnight but self invited her alleged husband to stay over there for two weeks. We all had a family meeting where we emphasized the potential hazard in allowing the child to register in their far better district, for example, as well as dh emphasizing that the only reason this aide is here is to make money. It is always fundamentally a transactional relationship,
That was a couple years ago. Since then mil has minimized bringing up this child. It’s mostly her mentioning the kid made some Christmas decoration and we all then move to another subject.
So then why does mil hold my hand going into that restaurant, which she never has done, and then tell me personally that she’s distressed over witnessing this kid being slapped in front of them?
Dh does not think that’s a coincidence. In fact we all agree that perhaps mil might be afraid of the aide and/or ramifications of getting someone else, which we are in a position to facilitate.
Im sorry you guys. The situation is just insane. The in laws can demand that abuse not happen in their view but this aide and kid sleep in the same room. What’s stopping aide from leaving a slap or visible mark on this kid so as to invite questioning?
How do we persuade them to get her out? Because it’s long past.

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IMO, this whole situation is weird. SIL is paid big money to care for inlaws and they have a live in. And are allowing that livein to have her niece living there and the husband come for conjugal visits. I think this aide is running the household. This would not happen in my home. Have you ever asked for a greencard. They must carry it with them just like a drivers license.
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PeggySue2020 May 14, 2025
Back in 2020, my broaching having an aide at all to mil got me frozen out of any vetting process. I’m aware that they took a record of her dl.
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Your MIL wants you to arrange the firing of this aide. Your MIL needs to hear firmly that child abuse is not a 'cultural' thing. I don't know what primitive, third-world culture they come from, but child abuse is still a crime in the United States. Your MIL (with you and the rest of the family there) needs to make sure this aide knows it. MIL also needs to make it very plain to this aide with all of you there, that if she raises a hand to her child again in their house not only will she lose her job that very minute, she will also have the police and CPS called on her. You may also want to mention ICE. That threat will certainly help the aide to refrain from physically abusing the child. You can talk to your MIL about putting in some monitoring devices in the house that the aide is not told about. Catch her in the act.

No clowning or playing games here. Your MIL reached out to you because that kid being abused in her house bothers her and it's wrong. You can help that kid and your in-laws. An 'indy' aide is not hard to find. I was one for years before there was caregiver websites like care.com and even before there was an internet. It's easier today than ever to find private caregivers. You just have to put in some work and check them and their references out yourselves.

Your in-laws and their family don't have to settle for some low-life child abuser to be their caregiver. You and the family can find them a competent aide with some morality and a good work ethic. It's not that hard.
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PeggySue2020 May 14, 2025
The problem is that mil stopped the ball from rolling. There is nothing cognitively or even physically amiss with mil now—her cancer has been under remission for over three years. There is no dementia.

so, you know, if mil did drop that comment as a cry for help, we responded. And she has now brushed the matter off as in it was a long time back and she told the aide then to not do that and since then she hasn’t.

The in laws know that if they ask for assistance in ushering her out, the response will be strong and effective. They are not asking for that. So as with the legions of other people waiting for the fall, so are we.
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This is not an aide you want caring for your MIL. If she is abusing her child, she is thoroughly capable of abusing an elder. She needs to be replaced ASAP or MIL needs to go into a facility.

CPS should be called.
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So, sil says mil witnessed this three years ago and that at the time they talked about it.

So, that’s good to know
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notgoodenough May 13, 2025
Do you believe SIL?

IIRC, you hadn't had a very high opinion of her and her judgement in the past, at least when it came to care of your in-laws...
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Right now this is a "she said/she said" situation. This is a serious accusation so it needs to be substantiated before accusations are made. I think I would consult a family law attorney about the best course of action. Abuse is still abuse whether it happens in the view of your inlaws or not. Both the child and your inlaws need to be protected. IMO the aid needs to be evicted anyway because they insinuated other of their family members to live in their client's home. It's just all wrong. When my Mom balks at something I put into place to make her caregiving easier, I remind her that "this is what will keep you in your home longer, like you want". Your DH can remind his Mom that the goal is to keep her safe in her home and when that doesn't happen, the family will be forced to come up with a different solution. She either sees the problem with the current situation and agrees to a different/better caregiving solution or maybe she really isn't able to stay in her home safely anymore. Yes, this is a thinly veiled threat but it is still a reminder based on fact and truth. There's no point in keeping them in their home in unsafe conditions. The unsafe condition may now involve the abuse of a minor. If she can't see the moral problem with this then maybe she shouldn't be driving the bus any more. Your DH needs to ponder this long and hard. It won't get better if ignored and DH and family will all suffer its consequences whether the can is kicked down the street or not. My m.o. is to head off the trainwreck before it lands in my lap -- especially if it's destined to land there anyway -- I can at least mitigate its impact if I act sooner rather than later.
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Well, I would be the one calling about child abuse.

If this lands your in-laws in a facility, so be it.

However, my first thought was that the aid is using threats and intimidation with your in-laws and that is where the odd behavior is coming from. So I would have a private chat with them, just you, not the crew, and then make calls.

Sorry, no way would I just hope nobody intervenes on behalf of this child and b!tc# caregiver so none of you have a hard time of it. She would be facing charges on my watch. Discipline is one thing, slapping someone around is ABUSE. It would suck to be her if this was my family.

Peggy, your in-laws pay enough for care, they will have no problem finding a good replacement. Please don't just look the other way, for that child's sake, if not for your in-laws. Abusers abuse and they abuse everyone they can. Act woman!
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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To allow a minor to be abused, just not in their presence, is to condone the behavior. Abuser needs to be reported, aide fired and replaced, and family stop tiptoeing around elders who aren’t seeing the situation clearly. I’m not much on persuading, more on acting
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Oh my. I’m sorry you have experienced such a fraught situation.

So many red flags here. I would find another caregiver immediately. Without hesitation.

We have had to let caregivers go for various reasons, and it is not an easy thing to do.

One continued to call me, trying to explain her behavior. She also had a history of being demanding and trying to get the other caregivers in trouble. Your experience sounds ten times worse than this and can have serious implications.

Another reason why we set up cameras in every room of our parents’ home. So we could have proof not only of our parents falling, but of how the caregivers were treating our parents.

I would add a camera and begin the process of replacing this aide as soon as you can.

I hope your situation improves, for everyone’s sake.
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