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NorieV Asked June 2019

Why don't my 3 sisters help with 88 year old dad with dementia?

Five years ago when my dad was well but obviously unable to keep up with the house after my mom passed, my husband and I asked if my dad wanted to move in with us in our newly built home with his own "quarters" (bedroom, den and bathroom). He said "yes." Gradually we noticed that Dad started forgetting things and getting confused often. He would drive off on his own and forget how to get home. We would have to go find him, or someone would call from his phone saying he was disoriented. Now, he doesn't remember anything, not even to shower or change his clothes. My husband passed away a few months ago, so I'm the only one to "watch" him. I can't leave him alone because he leaves everything unlocked, leaves the stove burner on, tried to put metal in the microwave. I'm afraid he will blow up my house. He is unstable on his feet and could fall easily. I need to attend Grief Share meetings for the loss of my husband and I'm having a hard time getting my sisters to take care of Dad for the two-hours each week. They only live blocks away. One sister says it is my responsibility since I offered to have Dad live with me five years ago. They are always ready with an excuse why they can't help with Dad. I'm not well myself and I'm afraid soon I will need help myself. I just need to vent because I feel it is just so selfish and sad that my siblings are acting this way.

Countrymouse Jun 2019
Wow.

Your sister has no interest in supporting you through loss of your husband because - I don't know how to put it - she thinks you brought this on yourself?

Wow.

I don't think selfish quite covers it. I think I'd say vicious.

But never mind her, you have more important things to give your time and attention to, so I should look for support elsewhere and leave your sisters to themselves. Have you tried your Area Agency on Aging for advice about caregivers' resources?

I'm very sorry for your loss. Five months is no time at all. Please do feel free to vent, you're definitely among friends here.
NorieV Jun 2019
You are absolutely right Countrymouse. My sister thinks I brought this on myself and should have realized this before I asked him to live with me and my husband...even though he was very well at the time. So, therefore she feels that I deserve to be punished now. Her actions are just so disappointing. When I need my sister(s) the most, I feel abandoned.
Countrymouse Jun 2019
Sorry, is everyone just ignoring the point that the OP lost her husband - her husband died - a few months ago?

I agree it's important to work on a better care plan for Dad. I agree that doing that is the OP's responsibility. Does that make it fair enough that the sisters are completely unmoved by her bereavement and unwilling to offer her a shadow of support at this time?

I think "buck up" is a bit harsh, in the circumstances.

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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2019
If your dad is being abusive to you, it may be time to put him in a facility. No excuses or reasons are acceptable to abuse someone that is in the midst of a huge loss, never okay, but especially despicable during this time.

Since your family has decided you are the scratching post it is up to you to disengage from them and their ignorance.
NorieV Jun 2019
You are so right. I appreciate your wise words. Dad gets so frustrated and angry...other times he can be quiet, watching T.V. But I don't feel completely safe any more, so I know something needs to be done. I'm checking into home care first and then I'll see about a facility. Again, I have to do this on my own because my sister says it's my responsibility.
AlvaDeer Jun 2019
I just read below that your father is currently not only quite helpless and quite dangerous, but that he is also abusive. While he isn't in complete control of his faculties, and I am not "blaming him", I think that your sisters may have made the more wise decision. Does someone have the POA for either health, financial or both? And is that someone you? Because I fear it is now, for your own safety, time that you father is placed in care. You are a loving daughter, and can visit. There is a tiny chance that your sisters will visit once they don't feel they will be roped into the care of someone who is a bit abusive. But perhaps not, and whatever the case, you do not need to sacrifice yourself, your life, your health for your father. With as long as people live today some of our elders are aged while we ourselves are aging, and less and less able to help. It is sad, but life is full of sadness. Worth grieving over. But not worth sacrificing your life to.
NorieV Jul 2019
Thank you AlvaDeer
The POAs have all his daughters, equally, listed. I know I have to do what is best for Dad and what is best for me. I hate to see him lose his freedom. I have a beautiful yard and scenery which he loves to sit outside and enjoy. Those times are okay. It's when he realizes something is wrong with him that he gets frustrated and angry. There are a lot of safety issues and potentially hazardous situations that could have been disastrous if I hadn't caught them in time. That is why he can't be left alone anymore. I need "sitter" when I need to go to Grief Share meetings, doctor appointments, etc. I have a lot of emotional and physical issues I'm dealing with myself. It would be nice to have help.
anonymous912123 Jun 2019
Why not place him in AL, he obviously has issues. I think your sisters are trying to make a point, you accepted the responsibility so deal with it. Keeping him in your home is not the answer, you need to let professional clinically trained people deal with him, you are in over your head.

Arimethea33 Jul 2019
I know persons on this site think I am heartless...not true.
They haven’t walked in my shoes.
Life teaches us.
My grandmother went to a nursing home with her mother in the late 1970’s.
I asked my Aunt, did you take her in?
She told me 2 weeks was all she could stand.
So, in 2019, who takes care of ageing parents?
Assisted living?
To the tune of no less than $3600/month.
Siblings who ignore, not their problem, blame game you.....” You took him in, this is your problem???????”
Take comfort in we all answer to a higher power when HE decides we leave this Earth.
I am not a religious fanatic, but I am certain we have to answer for all decisions we made.
Did we do our best, did we give as much of us as possible, were we kind?
You should be able to rest your body every single night for the rest of your life, if you did your best.
I know my conscience.
That is all that matters.
God knows the rest.
NorieV Jul 2019
Thank you Arimethea33. That is what helps to keep me going. I'm doing the best I can. I trust in God for all things. He knows our hearts and He will provide.
Isthisrealyreal Jun 2019
I am so sorry for your loss.

If dad has any money now is the time to get assistance for him and you.

Your sisters have shown you their true colors at the worst time possible. Believe them and grieve the loss of your sisters as well as your husband.

Hire a caregiver and start taking care of you. Hopefully dad has lots of money and you can use every penny to ensure you are both cared for.

Hugs!
NorieV Jun 2019
I am checking into getting some home care. I wish I could depend on family more, but I have to accept that I cannot. I am just me and a not very well "me" at that.
DeeAnna Jun 2019
I am sorry about the loss of your husband.  I am glad that you are attending Grief Share meetings.  They can be so helpful in coping with the death of a loved one.

I attended Grief Share meetings after my Mom died in September 2018, but I found that I had some unresolved issues of anger that I needed to take care before I could benefit fully from the Grief Share meetings so I dropped out after 6 meetings.  I plan to attend the meetings again next year.

Your sister refuses to "babysit" her Dad so that you can go to the Grief Share meetings?  Does she come to your house to visit her Dad at all?  Or has she handed over ALL responsibility--including loving her Dad--to you alone?  How sad for your Dad, for you and for your sister.  Apparently there is some history between you and your sister that is getting in the way of her willingness to visit or babysit "HER DAD".

Contact the local Area Agency on Aging for assistance with finding additional caregivers and home health aides.  Have the AAA do a "Needs Assessment" of your Dad. 

Your Dad's behavior is getting dangerous for both of you.   Although you might not want to consider it, it might be time for your dad to live in a long term care facility or Memory Care unit since he is getting so forgetful and doing activities that can cause fires, etc. and cannot be left alone anymore.
NorieV Jun 2019
I'm sorry for your loss DeeAnna. Please go back to Grief Share. They deal with all emotional issues including anger. It is wonderful to share and realize you are not alone. I wish you the best.

I wish my sisters would be more understanding and compassionate. However, it is all about "them" and what they are going through. Life is about giving and sacrificing. It is difficult and takes a lot of love. We had such a beautiful mother who gave so much and sacrificed all the time for others. You'd think they would want to emulate her. It's not just me...they have problems with others as well.
Arimethea33 Jun 2019
Buck up.
Get to an attorney NOW.
Take control.
News flash.....your siblings are living their lives and letting you deal with it!!!!
I know!!!!
Going through exactly the same!!!
My best advice. No sugar coat from all previous answers.
It is what it is. Wake up.
NYDaughterInLaw Jun 2019
"It is what it is." Exactly! We can only control our behavior, and we all must live with the choices we make.

Unfortunately, her father seems incompetent and what is an attorney supposed to do? He probably cannot understand and sign for a durable power of attorney.
CarlaCB Jul 2019
OMG - I am so sorry for the situation you're in, Norie, as well as for the loss of your husband. Unless there's more that you haven't stated, I doubt that your sisters are validly trying to make a point. If you were arguing, over their objections, that you must keep Dad at home, and they were telling you you're on your own with that, maybe I'd think they had a point. But that doesn't seem to be the case. I think your sisters' excuses are ridiculous, but they need to make them because they're not willing to help and they have to explain it somehow. For what it's worth, siblings who don't want to contribute often make excuses like this. They'll use any rationale, however flimsy, to offload the responsibility to someone else.

I agree that it's time for your father to live in a facility and not in your home. I think the lack of support from your sisters is almost the least of your problems. The fact that you are living with a person who is dangerous and emotionally abusive to you and that you're in a particularly fragile condition having just suffered the loss of your husband, that's the core issue. It's time to move him out. Please take care of yourself. You matter too.
NorieV Jul 2019
Thank you CarlaCB. You are so right about it all!
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