My mom is 84 years old and lives by herself in the house that she has lived in for the past 50 plus years. She had knee replacement three years ago that she never fully recovered from and she also has really bad back pain caused by arthritis. She gets around using her cane and even then, she has pretty bad balance (She would actually be better off in a walker). A lot of the times, I feel like she shouldn’t even be living alone anymore, but she is very hard headed and set in her ways, and every time I have tried to bring up assisted living, me moving in with her, or her moving in with us, she immediately shuts me down, and I just do not have the energy to fight it. So, for the time being, I am doing everything I can to keep her safe at home alone. I call her a few times a day to check on her, she has a life alert button, and I do all of her chores.
The other day I called and she didn’t answer, so I called again and still no answer. After the third time, the only thing that delayed me from hopping in the car and heading over there as well as sending an ambulance over was my coworker called (I work from home). While on the phone with my coworker, my mom finally calls me back. At first, she tells me that she didn’t hear the phone ring. When I doubted her on this, she admitted that she had been down in the basement. I really got on her about that. I said something along the lines of “You know it isn’t safe for you to manage those stairs alone, we have talked about this time and time again.” There is literally no reason for her to be down there, all that is down there is a bunch of boxes, and I really truly do worry about her falling on those steps! But after I got off the phone with her, my husband lectured me about how I should not be lecturing her like she is five, and I should give her some space. Is he right? I am naturally a worrier and I don’t want to say that my mom has bad judgement, but she is hard headed and I think she might see going down the stairs and coming back up as a challenge and being able to do so (even if it takes all of her effort and is dangerous) makes her feel better about herself, and that worries me.
Treat your mother like an adult. Your husband is correct.
Your husband shouldn't be getting on you about lecturing your mom. She's your mother and you care, but it's very likely she has some kind of dementia too. Her judgment isn't sound anymore. She doesn't understand that the risk of injuring herself going to the basement is not worth whatever she thought she needed to get from the basement.
I had a care client with dementia who could showtime so well that she even fooled her doctor. I asked her husband why he had locks on the doors that could only be opened with keys and these strange little locks on the windows. It was because his wife would wander at night. Go down the basement, out into the yard. One time even wandered away from the house. He used to unplug the stove at night because she'd get up and try to cook. He lived with her so he knew. A person can't keep up the showtime 24-hours a day.
Does she have a LifeAlert pendant or bracelet that she wears? If not it's a good idea to get one. Bring in some homecare. Start small. You meet whatever caregiver you hire with your mom at first. Then reassure her that you've checked her out and she won't steal, lie, etc.. all the common things elders often accuse their caregivers of. When you get the right caregiver they take a lot of burden off a family. I wish you the best of luck.
if I had to do it over again, I would not attempt to guide my mom . The years of frustration probably took a toll on my health. Family is judgmental…I have all this emotional baggage and of course regrets..
For my dealings with the aging (and I’m one of them), dementia is ALWAYS the tie breaker.
Q.- Why do I feel as I do?
A.- Because dementia ALWAYS opens the door to impaired judgement and reduced perception of capacity for safe self management.
Example- the house my LO lived in had a single lavatory with a difficult to access stairway and entrance. Although she had safely executed the entrance and exit to the lavatory her entire life, at age 90 with the appearance of questionable thinking, she could physically navigate the entrance, but did not focus on the task, and made mistakes with using light sources, appropriate shoes, and holding the railing.
SHE refused to allow us to create an alternative to the single bath, so since she was refusing to stay by herself, AND also refusing our attempts to hire people to stay with her, we knew we had to place safety over independence (that wasn’t really independence anyway).
I see your situation daughterofagnes, as similar but not quite as advanced as my LO.
If she is not showing any other signs of diminished judgement, clarity of thinking, short term memory loss? I think you may have to wait a while longer, but for YOUR peace of mind, start thinking forward for the time when her needs began to change.
(God bless him).
From an outsider's view we would find Mom, some aging health & mobility issues but doing ok, a determined lady, enjoying living in her own home. 'Aging in place'. Yes?
Requires help from daughter for many chores.
Mom's goal is to stay home. No alternative future plans.
Daughter describes some risk taking behaviour & has growing safety concerns about her living alone.
Safety measures of daily check-in calls & life alert button already in place.
! Please correct anything that is wrong!
We could surmise that Mom lives alone, but is not fully independent, more *semi-dependant*. Possible lack of insight.
What to do with all that?
It depends on the goal.
Plan A. Home. To keep living alone, a needs assessment may be of value. Grocery/meal delivery? Housekeeper/companion? More 'eyes'.
Support for daughter to prevent getting carer fatigue/burnout.
Plan B. Assisted Living.
ultimately if she remains stubborn about living alone she WILL have a fall and end up in the hospital, at which point the decision will be out of her hands as she won't be discharged to live alone again.
If you are already doing all of her chores, you are well on your way to Choice #2 above (you moving in with her). Is that really what you want?
It can be quite the dilemma.
Elders CAN become stuborn.
No-one wants to lose independence after all!
Some become real *risk-takers*. Risk taking is not just teens binge-drinking or young people driving too fast.
Elder-risk takers go for walks in slippers on wet streets, climb ladders, drive at night when they cannot see well.
I would say choosing to go down stairs into a basement knowing you have mobility & balance problems & walk with a cane qualifies too.
What was so urgent it could not wait until your next visit anyway?
If she is hard headed, telling her what she can't do will probably result in her doing it, just to show you she can, even if she didn't want to.
I recommend an occupational therapist prescription from her doctor to come in and help her make everything as safe as possible and maybe, recommending and teaching her how to use a walker.
I have a 91 year old friend that wants to take the stairs whenever we come across them, it's good exercise is what she always says. So, we take the stairs.