My mother has panic attacks when I need care from my physician. What do I do when she reacts like this?

Take a deep breath and call the Assisted Living Facility. Even though she is "capable of living on her own" you need the community support system for her. She can live a very independent life there, get medication support, and there are staff members who will check on her when you get the panic phone calls. When she calls you for help you call the front desk and ask them to check on her. If there is a real problem they will either take care of it, i.e. call 911 or call you back and say everything is ok.

I’m not going to read anyone’s answers just respond because I do have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes to a point of vomiting and pissing myself at the same time. I can tell you it is a very real “invisible” condition but there are ways to maintain it. First it sounds like your medical attention is a trigger, she has more triggers and they need identified. If you don’t have this condition it’s very hard to understand or empathize with what she is feeling and thinking.
in my opinion you do have the ability to distract her, consider that a luxury. Obviously medication can be used, not ideal but as I age mine have worsened to a point that I foresee unimaginable things happening (I’m talking about the most far fetched crazy things that scare me and I lock up on my bed for hours) so please don’t dismiss her anxiety. Ask Dr if she could benefit from medication, keep your own medical situation to yourself and by all means HANDLE your health and well-being first and foremost without guilt.
i can tell you 1 single thing that can help... warm-hot blankets. Rotate 2 in the dryer and swaddle her until her temperature is past warm. It’s the only non medicinal way I’ve pulled myself and others out of it. If she starts having physical symptoms it’s going to be bad, head shaking, cold hands, pacing, crying. Wrap her in hot blankets until she relaxes, normally I will not get another one in the same day. It’s certainly no cure all but it works well on everyone I’ve shared it with. Bless you for all you are handling, I hope it helps even in the smallest way so you can concentrate on you.

I second what others have said. Just wanted to say that I wish you well.

It is an annoying feeling, to feel like you do not have privacy. I guess small towns are charming in some ways and annoying in other ways.

You are now the adult, and need other people to talk things out in your own health, not Mom. Can she take a small amt. of an anti-anxiety med on her own, or is that too dangerous to have available?

I am sorrry for your loss of a daughter. How awful. Yes, you need self care. Rest, care for self, no matter what is going on with mother, because she'll need you later.

Have you thought that maybe she is afraid to lose you. Then who will be there for her.

You say you went to live with her when she was 31? So this means you didn't always live with Mom?

I would not tell her anything concerning your health. I would also ask your doctors office not to mention your appts to her. Which they shouldn't anyway.

Nonna,
It is excellent advice to see your own doctors, and to keep your info private, even down to the appointment time.

Have an excellent check up!

Dementia is a disease in and of itself; it is not 'consistent with aging' and your mother is displaying lots of the typical signs of dementia. Don't brush it off as mere 'age related decline', but consider it to be the devastating and serious condition it TRULY is. That said, what your mother is doing is responding to your crisis with one (or more) of her OWN, in typical dementia style. Like CWillie said, stop telling your mother what's going on in YOUR life, and keep it all light and fluffy when speaking to her. NEVER, under any circumstances, should you say ANYTHING to her that will potentially cause hysteria. My mother is exactly the same way as yours, so I tell her NOTHING she does not 'have to' hear. The less said, the better, as a general rule. Because what you do say will be exaggerated, blown totally out of proportion, and used to create a crisis where one does not exist. It's all about THEM, don't forget, because dementia creates an 'all about ME' situation like no other. They can't see past the tip of their own nose anymore. I remember when my Aunt was in the final stages of dementia and making lots of calls to 911 yelling 'help' for no good reason. Her phone had to be taken away from her, eventually, for obvious reasons.

In time, you may need to consider Assisted Living or Memory Care for your mother. In such a community, she will have 24/7 care which is not available at home. Plus, living alone for ANY part of the day/night is never a good idea for a person in your mother's state of mind; it's dangerous!

Best of luck!

Sorry - just to go back a bit. Your mother has CNA, RN, OT and PT as in-home caregivers; but is your mother ever alone in her home? Is there somebody responsible in the house at all times?

If not, move her again, this time to a place where there is someone on duty 24/7 such as a nice ALF.

If so, let whoever is in charge be in charge, and do not answer your mother's calls "out of hours" (and you decide on the hours).

I do not know how you are making decisions about what to do at the moment. For example, I cannot understand how a person can decide:

to call 911 (whatever did you tell the call handler?)
then to call her granddaughter
then to have herself driven to the scene of the ? emergency for which she had just called 911
in spite of needing to avoid pressure on a post-op site
and deciding therefore not to wear a seat belt.

What were the good outcomes that you were aiming for from any one of these decisions? Regardless of what actually happened (your mother was fine, thank God), what benefit or solution did you believe your actions would accomplish at the time? Please note: these are not rhetorical questions and I am not being rude. I genuinely think you would find it interesting and helpful to reflect on what actions you took, and on what the aim of them was, and then lastly on whether what you did was likely to result in what you wanted.

Your mother has dementia. She cannot be held responsible for anything that she does, nor for "planning" what she does. I suspect it is your anxiety that she's picking up on, possibly even your anticipation that she will "play up" when you are most under stress. This would be an almost perfect example of the self-fulfilling prophesy.

There are, judging by your account, several responsible family members and professionals who are able to take good care of your mother; and you must learn to let them. If you need help to step away from the drama, regain perspective, and build more effective boundaries, find a therapist who will work with you on better responses to your mother's behaviour.

Stop confiding in her, she doesn't need to know when you have a doctor's appointment - if you have to take time off from your regular calls/visits make up a plausible excuse. This isn't lying, it's preserving your sanity and her serenity.