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10 year long story short, my mother is bariatric and has had a steady health decline, and my brother and I have had to take care of her since then (24 years old, 26 years old). She refused care for years and has leaned on us for it, and she’s been unable to walk more than a few steps for about 5 or 6 years now.
Recently my mother has gone to the hospital for a bad fall she had and pain killers affecting her cognitive skills, then again for a GI bleed that almost killed her. She refused rehab in the hospital because apparently only we know how to take care of her, and she forced the hospital to discharge her after a few weeks.
My brother and I are completely burntout, and the only time we felt okay was when she was in the hospital sadly. Our mother has been home for about 4 months and it has been complete hell. She’s bed ridden, and we’re unable to work, have a social life, and I can’t shower without her screaming for help during it. Our lives are even more consumed now that she’s bed ridden. We do all her cleaning, which is hard because she’s over 400 pounds and we don’t have the right equipment because she has Medicare.
How do I tell her we need her to go to an assisted living situation? I’ve talked to her before and she told me I’m a bad daughter and I don’t care about her and other obscenities that I can’t name here. Both my brother and I are resentful, and it’s making him really mean. All of us are extremely unhappy and because of that my moms behavior has regressed to one of an infant with constant crying and tantrums (I guess a way of coping?).

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Alva,

How safe are those surgeries to lose weight?

I know one woman that did surgery years ago but she wasn’t 400 plus pounds. She was overweight but not that big!

I guess it goes by a certain percentage of weight or something.

She lost tons of weight like Al Roker did on the Today Show.

She said she can’t overeat or she will get sick. Surgery would force a person to lose weight. Her insurance covered it due to back issues.

Food addiction must be really tough to beat. We don’t need booze, drugs, cigarettes but we do need to eat, so it has to be a tough challenge. I feel for food addicts.
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AlvaDeer Dec 1, 2020
Wow, NH, don't count me expert on that by any means. There is no surgery in the world that is without danger, risk and complications. Under danger and risk count the fact that this is surgery by a scope, and a nick of anything can be catastrophic. Such as you nick the bowel and it leaks, something is insufficiently stitches up and it leaks. Given it is the gut, a leak can be deadly, taking down all systems with septicemic shock. Then you are doing surgery on someone already at risk because of obesity. Any risk for normal person is multiplied. Say for clots. So they want you up and moving fast, but many of these folks are unable to move at best. Then you have the fact that the WANTING to eat isn't cut out here, only the ability to hold the food, so there is a tendency to overeat which, especially right after surgery, can cause a rupture. And the beat goes on. Usually this surgery, esp for someone not over 400 pounds, goes well; add age you add risk. I try to tell people that nothing is without risk. I have seen people die from a colonoscopy. When they have you sign that you read the risk and one of the risks is perforation of the intestine? They aren't kidding. I have seen people die of that. Given all the "could happen" it is quite amazing how seldom it DOES happen. Food addiction IS hard to beat. And then they get themselves to a place where they are trying so hard that it seems hopeless and they just give in to eating, their main comfort. Like any addiction, it is very very tough. I think there are whole Forums out there for folks considering and doing this surgery.
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First off, I'm really sorry that you & your brother are being forced to deal with such a horrible situation. You have my condolences & my deepest sympathy, too.

Your mother has chosen her path in life. Sadly, that path has forced YOU to be her caregiver because she's made, and continues to make, bad decisions that not only affect HER, but affect her children in a negative manner. You can't save a person from herself, I often say........but you CAN save YOURSELF from a further nightmare of care giving for someone who refuses to help herself.

When she uses emotional blackmail against you, accusing you of being a 'bad daughter' and hurling obscenities at you, let it go in one ear and out the other. Remind her that SHE has chosen this life FOR herself with a knife and a fork, and that YOU are choosing not to enable her lifestyle any further. Therefore, you and your brother have decided to disengage from her suicide quest with love. You both love her, and because of that love, you refuse to watch her commit suicide for ONE MORE DAY and are placing her in Assisted Living where others can take over the role of her care. You're done.

And, when others come along to lay a guilt trip on you, telling you it's your Obligation to Care for Your Mother Because She Gave Birth To You, ignore them. Remember that a public forum, like the rest of the internet, is full of people who have lots of different opinions. And you know what they say about opinions! Take what you like & leave the rest here, as you would anywhere else in life. Hold onto the support you find, and toss out the non-supportive, guilt-inducing tactics which serve no useful purpose.

Be SURE to read the thread that AlvaDeer mentioned in her comment; I think you will get a LOT of great feedback from the comments. Again, take what you like from them, and leave the rest. Here is the link:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/facility-or-home-care-misguided-guilt-should-not-cause-anyone-to-make-the-wrong-decision-463157.htm

Wishing you and your brother the very best of luck getting your mom placed and moving on with YOUR lives now. You can choose to go visit her whenever you'd like without being burdened with her 24/7 care anymore. Enough is enough.
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I think decisions about this should be based on one important fact.
Safety.
Is it safe for you to care for her at home? Is it safe for your brother to care for her at home?
Is it safe for your mom for either of you to care for her at home?
If at anytime it became unsafe for me to have cared for my Husband at home I would have had no other option but to place him where he would be safe and cared for and I would be safe.
By "SAFE" I am taking many aspects into account. Is the house such that it is safe to care properly for a person. Enough room in bathrooms so that equipment can be used if necessary. Are there carpets that might cause a fall. Is it easy to use a walker or wheelchair.
I am also talking about mental, emotional safety as well.
The problem you might have is this...
If she is at home right now.
If she has NOT been declared incompetent you can not PLACE her in a facility she has to willingly move in.
If however she ends up in the hospital you can tell the Hospital Social Worker that you and your brother are unable to properly care for her at home and she can not be discharged to home as it is unsafe.
They may be able to place her in rehab for a while. but when it comes time to be discharged from there if you are unable to care for her they will have to try to find other arrangement.
It is possible that she may have to have a Court Appointed Guardian that will look out for her best interests. This can get ugly and you would have no say in where she is placed.
You are NOT a bad daughter.
By the way the doctor can order equipment and DME (Durable Medical Equipment) should be covered under Medicare particularly if it is for her safety with regards to the care that she needs.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You aren’t a bad daughter. Your brother isn’t a bad son. Look into therapy to help you understand this situation.

I am so sorry that your mom told you these things.

You have no reason to feel guilty about not wanting to care for her. You deserve to live your own life.

I have two daughters and I would never want them to care for me. Our job is to raise our children to be independent.

It is not your responsibility to care for her.

Has your mom considered surgery for her obesity? Has she sought mental health care?

She must have an eating disorder to weigh so much.

She isn’t just a few pounds overweight. Doctors classify someone of her size as morbidly obese.

You can’t continue to care for her. You will resent her more and more.

Your profile says she is only 62. Do you mind telling us your age?

Do you have permission to speak to her doctor?

Ask what kind of care does she need and what is available for her?

Ask the doctor to recommend a social worker to help you plan for her future.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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One thing I learned from watching the show My 600 lb Life was that although those people were ultimately responsible for their own condition their families were also caught up in the whole dysfunctional lifestyle, I would urge you and your brother to seek out some therapy so that you can learn how to break free from your role as her caregiver. The hospital would have never discharged a bedridden person home unless there was someone to care for them, you (and brother) need to build a life apart so that nobody mistakes you as this "someone".
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 1, 2020
Are all the people 600 lbs on that show?

Do they all get surgery? I have never seen that show.

Her mom certainly weighs enough to qualify for surgery.

It is an entire family’s problem. I imagine cooking for her is stressful.

Everything would be stressful!
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The most asked question on Forum, B.
I am going to refer you to a wonderful discussion thread below. Follow the "Questions" threads down and you come to "Discussions" thread. There is one titled:
Facility or Home Care? It is a personal choice
Misguided guilt should not cause anyone to
make the wrong choice.
This lovely thread has the opinions and answers in 112 comments so far.
You will see every opinion in the world from some of us who feel the choice is always ONLY to do in home care until you drop to those of us (me, for instance) who simply are not capable of in home 24/7 care of ANYONE.
The answer here is that only you can made this choice for yourself. And you will have to make it, because none of us can make it for you.
Your Mother can accuse you of being inadequate: she already HAS and likely she raised you leveling that accusation at you until you have come to believe it. Fine, then, tell her "Mom, you told me I am inadequate, and a terrible person, a bad daugher; OK, I am convinced. You are right. And so you are now going to have to go into care where they can provide for you more lovingly. I won't abandon you; I will visit and I will attempt, as I have attempted, to make you happy. But this is the sad fact."
You and your brother have a right to your lives. It would literally KILL ME to think my children, who I raised to have independent and whole lives, would sacrifice their lives to my care.
Again, the choice is yours. I think you recognize you cannot go on. I hope you will find support, on this forum, in counseling, and wherever you can, to move forward with your own life, and I wish your Mom the best of luck and care.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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There’s no way you’re a bad daughter. Your mother is very wrong to expect this level of care from you and your brother. It’s the natural order of things that parents want their adult children to go off and fly on their own, to live active, productive, happy lives. Not to be chained at home caring for a parent. That your mom doesn’t want this for you speaks volumes. You don’t need to explain or apologize, you’re an adult free to decide how to live and what you will and won’t do, how you will and won’t be treated. Please take action now to change this dynamic. Tell mom you’re not available for her care any longer, get a job, and move out as soon as possible. Don’t get into arguments over it, leave each time she brings it up. No listening to tantrums, yelling, or crying, that is manipulative behavior on her part. There is care available for your mom, she needs to take the steps to make it happen. It may not be exactly what or how she wants, but that’s not on you or your brother. I hope you’ll come back here soon and let us know how you’ve changed your life for the better. Please never think you don’t deserve better
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