My EX wife was recently Paralyzed.. We had not split up yet and gone our ways though yet..So apparently I became her caregiver...I asked her case worker if I am 100% and the reply was "I can't tell you that you need a lawyer" but forgot she told me I was 6d prior.. so with that being said. I've been doing this for about 8 months now.. I'm losing my mind... I work full time still. We have a 9 year old daughter, 2 pets, and recently our roof started leaking (just what I needed) AND I hurt my back bad a week ago; helping her and now I'm feeling major pain (had 4 surgery 7 years prior). So I'm struggling hard to keep up with the daily routines for her. I'm barely able to sleep, I'm falling apart... So.. She doesn't want to go into nursing home or facility...So doesn't want to go into hospital... She is pretty much just waiting to die it feels like. Obviously it's probably not like that but it feels like that to ME. Her family won't come to get her... they did say they would take her but I have to get her there.. when I did the math it would cost about 3k to transport her with all her equipment...I need help WHAT DO I DO... How do I get out of this. I'm scared... I asked for help from her family, 2 hospitals, and case worker and no one can do anything without her giving the ok to do it herself.. once again. PLEASE anyone with any sort of solution please please please reply. I'm begging this is hardest thing ever...

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The wife's not vulnerable. Her ex-husband is living with her in her house as her primary caregiver. He's not happy about it but he's waiting for permission to leave - and, what, to take the little girl with him? Leave her behind? He doesn't say.

APS won't be remotely interested.

I guess CPS might be!
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Rich, there are a lot of unanswered questions. Such as, who took care of your ex-wife while you were at work? Was it your 9 year old daughter? If yes, she is too young for such responsibilities.

Since you found 40 gallons of vodka hidden all over the house, that could be a major red flag when it comes to custody. If it were me, I would remove that child from the house until better arrangements are made for your ex-wife and her recovery.
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Just call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult. You are already divorced so you don’t need to go out and hire a lawyer yet. You aren’t legally responsible for your ex-wife. If she cannot take care of herself and her family will not help, let APS step in and take over.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2020
You are right. A call to APS. They will handle transporting her.
You're asking the wrong people. You're asking the people who are responsible only to your wife, and you need to be asking the people who can provide support for the family.

You don't give your location so I can't look anything up for you; but if you Google something like "support for families of people with disabilities in [your town]" it should throw out a few suggestions.

The point being, of course, that you do not need your wife's consent to get support for yourself and your daughter.

Especially your daughter. Sheesh. 9 years old and living through this. Poor little poppet.

Best of luck, give it a try.
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OK, so you are now legally divorced. The timing makes no difference and you are not responsible for her care. (Typing that out sounds so cruel--but after reading the backstory--she needs to be in some kind of facility that can care for her. You can't do it. AND your daughter needs to be the #1 priority here).

Any family of hers that is speaking to you? You need at least ONE person in your corner.

There are funds available for the truly destitute, which she may or may not be. I think an hour's consult with an attorney would be a priority.

Then you need to get HER family on board. And you need to be able to walk away.

$3K seems a small amount to regain your life...and it's NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE HER AND MOVE HER. If her family will not, you will have to do an ER 'dump' and state that she has nowhere to go and then she's the state's problem.

As far as what she 'wants'--she pretty much blew that when she chose to drink herself into a coma like state.

DO see an attorney.
DON'T spend all of your own money trying to fix her. You can't.
DO see a family counselor with your daughter.

Hang in there--it can be OK.
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Divorce became final AFTER this happened to her... She was diagnosed with G.B.S plus She became a in the closet alcoholic... She ran her body out of nutrients.. literally 0 copper. 0 iron. 0 vitamins. apparently she stopped eating at same time she started drinking heavy. and I mean HEAVY i found about 40 gallons of vodka hidden all over the house... Yes this is a Disaster situation. and I have NEVER seen something like this before... im baffled..... they "Think" she will/maybe get movement of arms back.. but legs they said dont look good....
Like i said im completely confused...the "spinning" comment is only thing that makes sense...
Really Big thing would be. how do i get out of being a caregiver... where im not legally responsible and i can say "walk away"
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None of this makes any sense to me.
You have an EX wife but you were living with her, and she suddenly became paralyzed?
What is her diagnosis.
You are of course going to have to care for your daughter and her pets; your responsibility. A divorced wife isn't your responsibility. You will have to give her your move out date.
And yes, JoAnn is correct. You need a Lawyer now. You will have to report your wife as a person at risk to Adult Protective Services, so she can receive care. Make it clear of course that even were you WILLING to care for your wife, you are physically unable to do so.
Good luck. Hard to know where to start with this, but you are going to need solid legal professional advice. When a careworker says to you "I cannot tell you to get a lawyer, BUT.............." they are telling you "You need a Lawyer".
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I do not understand this

"So apparently I became her caregiver...I asked her case worker if I am 100% and the reply was "I cant tell you that you need a lawyer" but forgot she told me I was 6d prior."

Who cares for your wife when ur working? What will happen to ur daughter? Will she go with mom or stay with you?

If wife "needs all this equipment" do her relatives know how much care she needs. They may not want to do it once she is there. But if they are willing, then borrow that 3k and get her to them. Or rent an RV and you drive her there.

You need a lawyer to map out how this divorce will go. Now she is disabled you maybe responsible for alimony? Besides child support if you do not get custody. Has your wife filed for Social Security Disability? If she hasn't worked long enough for that there is SSI which is a supplimental income. SSD comes with Medicare and Medicaid. SSI comes with Medicaid. With both her medical bills will be paid. These are things you need to ask a lawyer. A divorce in your situation will not be so cut and dried. Hope she wants it as much as you do.
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I think you need to move forward with the divorce, during that process her future care will have to be one of the many issues that will be addressed.
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I’m sorry what your going through. Though you have separated, so you’re still married. Out of compassion you should take care of her. But if you’re separated going through a divorce you should seek legal help and proceed with the papers. While you’re doing that, think about if the shoe were on the other foot. Would your wife leave you in a situation like this if you were paralyzed? Seek a answer from God and pray. Sometimes we have to help others in a time of need even if we feel it’s not our responsibility. It’s a Human thing to do.

God Bless You
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Don’t you think your safest course right now WOULD BE to get a legal opinion from a lawyer experienced in Family/relationship issues?

You certainly need to FIND out who has LEGAL responsibility for her. “Apparently” isn’t necessarily a reason for assuming responsibility, especially if your wife’s condition doesn’t have a cognitive component.

If she is cognitively intact, she can make her decisions for herself, but cannot necessarily expect you to fund her lifestyle.

You have provided some personal details of your situation that actually don’t have much to do with getting the answers you need. Is there someone whom you know and trust who can help you develop a succinct description of what has happened to her, the LEGAL STATUS of your relationship, what she will need in the future, and who may OR MAY NOT be responsible for her financially?

With those facts established, you can begin addressing your issues one by one. What you are doing right now is something I refer to as “spinning”, and is both uncomfortable and unhelpful.

If you can’t afford a lawyer’s fee, you will need to determine what legal resources may be available to you at reduced rates or potentially at no cost.

Take a deep breath, focus on simplifying g your FACTS into a “short list”, then search out your legal help.

MANY OF US have been faced with problems comparable to yours, and you WILL get through this and get to the other side of it.
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