Follow
Share

My BF cares for his mom who has Dementia & Alzheimer's full-time. When we began dating, I was deteriorating into poor health. However, I assisted him as much as possible with his mom until I physically couldn't. After I was no longer able to help, I convinced him to seek professional aid. It took a while, but he eventually complied. Unfortunately, the aides did not bathe her to his or his mom's satisfaction. I finally had them agree to him taking over that role with verbal assistance. Finally, they did and this has been successful! I moved in with them (no where else to go) while I continued to deal with my own financial and physical setbacks, and it has not been easy emotionally. I've tried to be supportive of this situation, while NOT having much support of my own at all. I lost everything because of my illness! I feel obligated and in debited to them for shelter, but I also feel dead inside everyday! I love my BF, but I have NO voice in this place. I'm miserable, and I can't say anything ever! He finally got a nurse, but rarely wants to use her because he doesn't want to leave his mom! Idk why I'm writing. He always wants it to be the three of us. I don't. I like the two of us sometimes, am I wrong?

Find Care & Housing
Can I ask - how long have you and your boyfriend been together?
Also - as another post asked, how
old are you and how old is your boyfriend?
(0)
Report

Just, you called your guy your 'significant other'. 'Dating' a 'boy friend' is a different language, and sometimes the language is quite revealing. Your SO doesn't say that he 'always wants it to be the three of us'. You are doing a great job yourself. xxx
(0)
Report

I moved in with my SO and his grandfather about a year ago and now it's nearly impossible for us to find time to ourselves. We can't leave the house for more than 20 minutes without getting a phone call and need to go back. When were home one of us is getting up every five minutes to do little random jobs so it's really difficult to find time to relax.
One thing to remember is he's not doing it because he wants it to be the three of you it's because that's the woman who raised him and now he feels responsible for her which is completely reasonable. At least that's how it is with my SO. He feels that he owes his whole life to his grandfather(adopted father) which is quite honorable.
I while ago I realized that I needed more attention and care than he was able to give me but I also realized that I love him and respect what he is doing for his LO. Sometimes you just have to decided what's worth it. I suggest moving out on your own but also don't leave the next move up to him. He's got a lot on his plate so you have to put in that extra effort. Go visit him at his house, bring dinner, watch a movie, hangout with him there while also giving yourself some space to do you. Sometimes relationships aren't 50/50 sometimes you have to pick up that 80% when they're low. He should also be doing the same for you too though. I had to do that for a little while until my SO needed more help with his grandfather.
I am having a tough time with the very little us time at the moment too so if anyone has a once in a while solution for getting away I'd love it.
I hope all works out in your favor. Much love.
(1)
Report

Thank you all for the advice.
(0)
Report

Boy friend (not partner?) is putting his mother first. If you take up the suggestions to look for other housing, he can act like a true boy friend. Then he comes to see you on your own.
(1)
Report

It seems to me your BF and you have very different ideas about what you both want in a relationship. Not that what he whats is bad, not that what you want is bad. It's just different!
From your post it sounds like you feel you have no support. Does he ever ask you questions like, how is your day? How do you feel? Can I do anything for you?
Do you ever try telling him how you feel?
If he doen't ask you questions about you, maybe he is not the guy for you. Or maybe he does really likes you but his mom is just taking up a lot of his time and energy, and it is just not the right time.
Taking care of a LO is very hard on the caregiver and on the partner of that caregiver.
If you really feel that you don't have a voice in this relationship than you need to move out.
And You are Not a Bad Person. You have to Do What is Right for You!
I would take Joanne29 advice and start looking into government housing. If you are under the age of 65 you might be able to find low income housing. In my city, we have low income apts for singles. They are very secure and nice.
Because Joanne29 is right, the house is your BF's mother's house and it will always be that way.

May God shine His light on you and guide you down your path removing every obstacle out of your way. May our Lord heal your body, mind, soul and emotions and call you to be free in Jesus' name I pray. Amen

Good Luck
(1)
Report

How old are you? This will make a difference is how we all answer your question. If not in SS age yet, I hope you are on SSD?

Where I live there are senior apartment buildings ran by HUD. These apartments are pretty nice. There is an elevator so no steps. The apartments are accessible meaning they are set up for people with disabilities. They are locked down so only those people buzzed in can get in. The rent is 30% of what you earn. You can get help with utilities. Foodstamps. Office of Aging can help you with services available. Medicaid helps with Homecare. There are government programs that help with food. Things maybe tight, but you will have a place of your own.

Its very hard moving into another woman's house. It will always be her house.
(2)
Report

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter