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Elderly Lady Golfer
An elderly woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?” 
No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. 
Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” 
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. 
The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. 
They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.” 
She’s there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. 
She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. 
They congratulate her and invite her back next week. 
She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.” 
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. 
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
 The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. 
They’re totally amazed. 
They can’t figure her out. 
She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner. 
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
 The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. 
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. 
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. 
However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. 
 This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. 
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, 
“How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” 
The old lady blushes and grins. 
“When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.” 
The guys think this is hysterical. 
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, 
“What if it’s pointing straight up?” 
She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

The Geography of a Woman as she ages:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially
for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece.
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain.
With a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel.
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada.
Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!

A man falls asleep at church...
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
Go&%amned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your @ss!"
"Amen," replied the congregation

French try perfume

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs,
she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ... and ate ... and then .... she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs,
belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas ...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation
when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!!!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath,
spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...
Dead fly...
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of sh*t!!!......

I wanted to find it on YouTube. Tried. May have longer stability.

Thanks for that Glad, that's one we should bookmark to post on relevant threads to lighten the mood 🤣🤣🤣

A Carol Burnette and Betty White skit that we can all identify with.

The Scottish Cow
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to their very wise Vet, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How on earth did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife's from Scotland."

My mom used toothpaste for a urine barrier on her privates!! Yup!

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager , only 60 years later. I don't have to go school or work. I get an allowance every month.I have my own pad, I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own truck.The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, and I dont have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds, people get out of the way much faster now .Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their Mothers. Now they drink like their Fathers. I didnt make it to gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom, "John" and renamed it "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation. The biggest lie I tell myself is,,,,,,"I don't have to write that down, I'll member it". I don't have gray hair,,,I have "wisdom highlites",I'm just very wise. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put em on my knees. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators, we haven't met yet. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? At my age getting lucky means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I cant remember their names. Now im wondering,,, did I send this to you or did you send this to me?

SEX AT  85  
I just took a   
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 85.
I'm so happy because I live at   
number 83
so it's not too far to walk home
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!

All of the children in Little Johnny's kindergarten class brought the teacher a gift for her birthday.

Little Sally's parents owned a flower shop so when the teacher shook the box, she guessed..
* Is it flowers?
** Yes! Little Sally exclaimed.

Tommy's parents owned a candy store. The teacher shook his box and guessed..
* Is it candy?
** Yea!

Little Johnny's parents owned a liquor store so when she shook the box, a little liquid started seeping out. She tasted it and asked...
* Is it champagne?
** No it's not.

She tasted a little bit more.
* Hmmm... Is it wine?
** No it's not!

*Well, what is it?
** It's a puppy!!

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest “Forgive me father for I have sinned. “What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library.

I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

“But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing “a few days later my elderly neighbour asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalised and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried

“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed but still you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well” answered the priest,

“you should get the hell out of here before it starts raining!”

Hey Jen ! You win the lottery yet?

Hi Jen

Hello to everyone. Not dead yet. Jen

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you do have all the equipment."

BB shuffles into the pharmacy and asks for viagra.

No problem', says the pharmacist. 'How much do you want? Just 3 replies BB, but could you cut them into smaller pieces? I'm not interested in sex. I just don’t want to pee in my slippers anymore.

Every Friday night after work,Four would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak
the neighbors on each side and across the street and behind him were all Catholic,and they of course were forbidden to eat meat meat on Friday
But the delicious aroma of the grilled venison permeated the neighborhood and caused much grief for his neighbors.So they went to their Priest.

The Priest came to visit Four,and after much discussion of the different religions,suggested to Four that he should become a Catholic
Four agreed ,and after countless hours of study,he was ready for his first Mass
The priest carefully sprinkled Holy Water over Four while making this speech;"Fourchon you were born a Baptist,and raised a Baptist,but now you are a Catholic

Fours neighbors were greatly relieved---until Friday night rolled around
Again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison permeated the neighborhood
They immediately called the Priest and informed him of the situation
The priest rushed to Four's house,entered the back yard,prepared to greatly admonish Four
But he stopped and stared in amazement

There was Four ,clutching a small bottle of water,which he carefully sprinkled on the venison,while saying
"You were born a deer,and raised as a deer--but now you is catfish"!!!

Ask the Flight Attendant

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the Flight Attendant. So the boy asked the Flight Attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The Flight Attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

Why are you upset? Toothbrushes are a dime a dozen and mom's are one in a million. I would have taken a picture and silently laughed. Not having the foresight she once had to know the difference between a small brush and a large brush is no big deal. She was completing a difficult task all by herself. Kudos to your mom.

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey Boss I no come to work today, I Really Sick, I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come Work,' The Boss says , " You know Hung Chow, I really need you today, When I Feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex, That makes everything better and I Go Work, You Try That," Two Hours Later Hung Chow calls again, "BOSS, I do what you say and I Feel Great, I be at Work Soon, YOU GOT NICE HOUSE,"

lol. sorry. awww mom. it's ok. just get a few toothbrushes and keep them in your room.
mom may have dementia or something. its signs of something. just communicate to her and
see what's going on. if you have cameras watch the cameras. you can also, take her to the doctor
to get checked. sometimes it could be something as simple as needed a new pair of glasses or
something serious. Mom is old give her a break. you only have one mom and many, many toothbrushes to buy. :)

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls

My Mom did the same. So I threw out my toothbrush got a new one and keep it in a locked cabinet until I need to use it. Keeping up with the behaviours is not easy. However, this one can be managed. Good luck !

Hahahaha - love it, glad.

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,
and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw
Because he's just......
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
Here it is!

Nothing is better than real, and what children say, what did Art say? The darnest things!

Granddaughter needed a Tdap shot to start 6th grade. DD2 and GD went in for an appointment just for that. As the nurse was walking them back, GD asked how big is the needle, and the nurse said (joking), "are you sure you want me to answer that right now?

Then they got into the room and the nurse says "so you're here for the tetanus shot?" and GD, alarmed, and says "ten inches???" because she thought the nurse said "ten inch shot" and they all laughed. Then somebody resuscitated all of us, and GD got her shot and was a total champ. The End.

Yes I had lots of gross out moments when caring for my dad - one in which he put the toilet brush in the dishwasher with other dishes and turned it on. One way of getting it clean!

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