A very large, old building was being torn down to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a human skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived, the workers led them to the closet and showed them the skeleton. It was fully clothed, covered in cobwebs and dust and sitting in a crouched position. They all found the sight of this skeleton disturbing and wondered who it could have been and how they wound up in the closet.
The police forensics team removed the body and demolition of the building was put on hold until the police figured out the identity of the corpse. Two days went by and the construction workers were becoming impatient. They couldn't stand it anymore. They had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know who it was."
The policeman said, "It's somebody kind of important."
Well, who was it?' they asked.
The policeman replied, "The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Lol, You need to find the humour in this. However this is not too unusual as it seems she may be going through dementia stage, as obvious as it is, I am not a doctor, just a caregiver. But take that particular incident lightly and chuckle a little bit. But do look for solutions to what seems to be coming up. Just keep your tooth brush in unreachable places. You will be fine my dear :-)
A man goes to visit his 85 year old grandpa in the hospital "How are you, grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK" "No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?!" he sayes, "I'm told you're giving an 85- year- old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night a 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
You are welcome BootShopGirl. The captain of this boat is my cousin bobbie321 who started this thread over 8 years ago. As I have stated before I am not a caregiver BUT I still read this site every night and when I receive a good clean joke I try to post it on here to help bring a light to those caregivers that are in a dark tunnel. I live in central Michigan and have been retired for 7 years now and I have a new since of what goes on in a caregivers life when everyone abandons them and they lose their freedom. Glad you have joined us and please keep us all in the loop because we care for all of you gals and the occasional male caregivers also. Hugs to you luvCuz
Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange site in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he couldn't resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this"? (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put in on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
An old lady came into her doctor's off and confessed... to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in them pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!"
Beautiful words there Cuz. Even though I haven't seen you but once in over 50+ years you and all the caregivers on this site are in my thoughts and prayers every night since I joined this site over 8 years ago myself. All of you need to just remember the good times and keep reminding yourselves that there is a light at the end of this long journey. I try to post stuff that will make you laugh and hopefully the stuff I do post never offends anyone. There has been only a couple times where I have been told that what I posted was wrong but like I say I try my best to help all of you caregivers with my jokes etc. Hugs to all of you. Update on Aunt Hank bobbie is that she has her good days and bad. She sometimes wants to go back home, she wants to drive again but at almost 94 she is slowing down. Cousin Mike is still in his battle with his gall bladder. Since last April he has had a tube in his side which drains the gall bladder into a bag that he has to clean out once a day cause his heart is to weak for surgery. Two weeks ago we almost lost him because a hernia behind his belly button collapsed his colon shutting that part off. They did emergency surgery for that and he is back on the road to recovery from that. Last week they laisered the stones in his gall bladder and sucked them out the tube. Next week he goes back in o see if they can reopen the outbound side of the gall bladder so he can have the tube taken out. Its been a tough summer for me just taking him to his heart dr every week, besides going to the hospital four times this summer. They said that retirement would be the Golden Years but the only thing I have golden right now is my urine. With that I say again hugs to all. LovCuz
Hi there Gazala and Waterfalls and MissEverything and SendHelp and Glenda!
Thanks for posting on the Grossed Out Thread!
I started the thread in February of 2010, after caring for my mom since September of 2004. My mom died on May 26, 2010 but I continued to post because of the caregivers on this site.
Until I began to write and share experiences on this site in November of 2016, I was absolutely alone in the role of family caregiver. I had no idea that the job was impossible, so at the cost of my career, health and sanity, I soldiered on.
Today we know more when it comes to dealing with the varied Dementias, and how to deal, cope and survive being an adult child caregiver of a demented parent.
It's been 8 years now since mom died, and I still miss her and my dad, who died in 1993.
I thank you all for your kind advice and words of encouragement. Of course you all had no way of knowing that mom is gone.
This thread continues on, even though I don't post as often as I once did. This thread is for the exhausted caregiver who needs a laugh or a cyber hug (((...))).
This thread welcomes all who know that when they see a behavior that is nuts, it's ok to say, 'wait a minute...that's messed up! And Gross!'
Nuts is nuts and funny is funny and Gross is well, you know.
My sense of humor is what ultimately saved my life, and made my mom's life better. When she hallucinated, I didn't argue with her, I just chased the 'intruders' out of an opened window with a big flyswatter.
When she got angry and acted out, I was the foil and did my best impression of a goofball to get her to laugh, and immediately forget that just moments before she was chewing my ass.
When she got scared, I told her she was the bravest person I had ever met, and that she was safe and sound, all the while holding that giant comic flyswatter to ward off those 'intruders'.
Time has worked its magic on me, but I will always be a recovering caregiver. When the man I was seeing tried to drop his demented mom off so I could 'look after her...' my stress levels went through the roof, and even though she is a sweet lady, I said NO. Not doing this again. I did my part with my own mom. Enough.
Instead of getting stuck caregiving again because of some guy looking for a way out, I'm going to college as a full time student on the Geezer Pass, and my major is, wait for it, Psychology.
Human behavior has always been fascinating to me and boy, is it alive and well in Caregiving! Just look at your siblings, boyfriends and extended family members who do nothing to help you but are sure there for the rewards.
So welcome to the Thread you new posters! I hope you all share your stories with us and let us know how you're doing. There's folks all over this Site and Thread that actually Care.
Bobbie, try to focus your energy on those products that might pose a safety or hygiene concern. The rest one has to accept since it is inevitable. My mother puts lipstick on her eyebrows sometimes or insists to rinse her hand in her glass of water, then drinks from it etc. We just have to keep adjusting, fex I put a little bowl for her to rinse her hands during or after dinner. It’s frustrating but what to do?
Bobbie 321 ..Geez ! My heart goes out to you and the solution is to have all your things separate from your mom. Mine is locked away in my room. My mom has dementia and hearing issues. She is ambulatory and instead of going to rest room she urinates in objects at night. So I am grossed out completely and even though I bought a potty chair in her room she still will do that!!!
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Lol, I hide mine in the medicine cabinet ever since I found dad using it to scrub the sink! I put his in there also and leave one just for him to scrub with.
Hi Bonnie just read your story. You are a very loving person. But! Enough is enough! You can do no more! Take your mother and run!!! Your priority is her not her boyfriend. You make the decisions, your in control, its your money being used & your not responsible for the boyfriend who has been a negative in your lives. Get your mom the help she needs, get rid of everyone who is not a plus in your life. Start over fresh. Make a new commitment to yourself to not be used anymore by anyone, make safety & respect honorable for you & your family. Make that change! You deserve happiness. That is your mom. Research resources to assist you during this difficult time. Your in my prayers!!!
Bobbie what did you say to her when you saw her do that? They do the strangest things!! Sometimes you can't help but yell at them which never helps. My mom keeps paper cups after she drinks coffee then puts them in her pocket book. I think that's gross too. She dares me to touch them so I can wash them out. She wants to be in control. If your mom has an aide let them know what she did so they can be on alert and catch these things when your not around. Make sure she's hydrated.
bonnie -welcome! .No you are not responsible for him or anyone else including your sister and her kids. It is kind of you to want to help your mum. I would limit my help to her and leave anyone else out. Your mum may make a fuss, but stick to your decisions. Do you feel like the others are using you? It looks to me like they are. You have to take care of you and your family especially when there are so many "takers" around.
My mom is disabled due to drug use she have a longterm boyfriend that caused her to lose both her legs and have benefitted from her at our expense since my childhood Never had a job, still use drugs and disrespects her with other women. There is a tropical storm headed our way and if it gets to bad we usually evacuate to safety. everything is always on me and my husband financially. My car seating and lodging funds is limited my husband is the only one working right now. Evacuating her and boyfriend in the past was a disaster and exhausting. I feel it's my moral obligation to get my mom to safety due to her physical limitations but I cannot or will not take anyone else. Am I really responsible for him too? Once we evacuated for 3 weeks and I had to pay for 2 cars to hotel rooms all the food and drinks and gas for cars plus my our 3 kids and my pregnant sister and her 2 kids I exhausted my total savings and when their checks deposited on the 1st they left to go get us all something to eat and never came back instead i later discovered they rented a motel.
George was ask by a rather young reporter with not a lot of experience,"when did sex end for you?" George replied " about two this morning, when did it end for you?"
George told of buying new night gown for his girl friend. He said it had over two hundred yards of material in it. When ask why so much material, George replied "At my age it is more fun looking for it than it is after I find it."
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?” Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from? “The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
A Scotsman had enoyed an afternoon at the local pub and decided to take a nap on a park bench on his way home
An American tourist happened by and wondered if what she had heard about Scotsmen was true - so she carefully lifted his kilt and took a peek- sure enough it was so she took the blue ribbon from her hair and tied a little bow around his pride and joy
later, when he awoke, the Scotsman needed to relieve himself and when he looked down, he exclaimed- I don’t know where you’ve been laddie but I’m glad you won first prize
I caught mine washing her hands with toothpaste. My worst is the incontinent bowels when they get it on their hands. I get horrified and get short with my mom. She once had a bad accident in a store bathroom and when I got in the stall she was on the floor trying to clean it up.
Oh MsMadge, Whenever The Viking has a bad day, come here! I always get a good laugh. Short and fun easy reading. Sometimes the saga of Dorker just goes on and on. Her MIL already left! We must have a little fun!
Don't know why I haven't perused this thread before - it's a hoot
if I may -
an elderly man was walking down the street one day and a small frog was hopping about and yelled to the man to pick it up as the man picked up the frog, the frog said, if you kiss me I'll turn into a lovely young woman
the man put the frog in his shirt pocket and kept walking the frog was a bit surprised and said, did you hear what I said? one kiss and I'll be a beautiful young woman
the man looked down at the frog and said, at my age, a talking frog is ever so much more entertaining
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A very large, old building was being torn down to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a human skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived, the workers led them to the closet and showed them the skeleton. It was fully clothed, covered in cobwebs and dust and sitting in a crouched position. They all found the sight of this skeleton disturbing and wondered who it could have been and how they wound up in the closet.
The police forensics team removed the body and demolition of the building was put on hold until the police figured out the identity of the corpse. Two days went by and the construction workers were becoming impatient. They couldn't stand it anymore. They had to know who they had found.
They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know who it was."
The policeman said, "It's somebody kind of important."
Well, who was it?' they asked.
The policeman replied, "The 1956 National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
But take that particular incident lightly and chuckle a little bit. But do look for solutions to what seems to be coming up. Just keep your tooth brush in unreachable places. You will be fine my dear :-)
"How are you, grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing?!" he sayes, "I'm told you're giving an 85- year- old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night a 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
luvCuz
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something!
But he certainly couldn't mention the strange site in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he couldn't resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this"? (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put in on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
"Here's a prescription, Mrs Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in them pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs Barker," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!"
LovCuz
Thanks for posting on the Grossed Out Thread!
I started the thread in February of 2010, after caring for my mom since September of 2004. My mom died on May 26, 2010 but I continued to post because of the caregivers on this site.
Until I began to write and share experiences on this site in November of 2016, I was absolutely alone in the role of family caregiver. I had no idea that the job was impossible, so at the cost of my career, health and sanity, I soldiered on.
Today we know more when it comes to dealing with the varied Dementias, and how to deal, cope and survive being an adult child caregiver of a demented parent.
It's been 8 years now since mom died, and I still miss her and my dad, who died in 1993.
I thank you all for your kind advice and words of encouragement. Of course you all had no way of knowing that mom is gone.
This thread continues on, even though I don't post as often as I once did.
This thread is for the exhausted caregiver who needs a laugh or a cyber hug (((...))).
This thread welcomes all who know that when they see a behavior that is nuts, it's ok to say, 'wait a minute...that's messed up! And Gross!'
Nuts is nuts and funny is funny and Gross is well, you know.
My sense of humor is what ultimately saved my life, and made my mom's life better. When she hallucinated, I didn't argue with her, I just chased the 'intruders' out of an opened window with a big flyswatter.
When she got angry and acted out, I was the foil and did my best impression of a goofball to get her to laugh, and immediately forget that just moments before she was chewing my ass.
When she got scared, I told her she was the bravest person I had ever met, and that she was safe and sound, all the while holding that giant comic flyswatter to ward off those 'intruders'.
Time has worked its magic on me, but I will always be a recovering caregiver. When the man I was seeing tried to drop his demented mom off so I could 'look after her...' my stress levels went through the roof, and even though she is a sweet lady, I said NO. Not doing this again. I did my part with my own mom. Enough.
Instead of getting stuck caregiving again because of some guy looking for a way out, I'm going to college as a full time student on the Geezer Pass, and my major is, wait for it, Psychology.
Human behavior has always been fascinating to me and boy, is it alive and well in Caregiving! Just look at your siblings, boyfriends and extended family members who do nothing to help you but are sure there for the rewards.
So welcome to the Thread you new posters! I hope you all share your stories with us and let us know how you're doing. There's folks all over this Site and Thread that actually Care.
lovbob
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
you may want to re-post your comment in this thread
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families-149068.htm
My mom is disabled due to drug use she have a longterm boyfriend that caused her to lose both her legs and have benefitted from her at our expense since my childhood Never had a job, still use drugs and disrespects her with other women. There is a tropical storm headed our way and if it gets to bad we usually evacuate to safety. everything is always on me and my husband financially. My car seating and lodging funds is limited my husband is the only one working right now. Evacuating her and boyfriend in the past was a disaster and exhausting. I feel it's my moral obligation to get my mom to safety due to her physical limitations but I cannot or will not take anyone else. Am I really responsible for him too? Once we evacuated for 3 weeks and I had to pay for 2 cars to hotel rooms all the food and drinks and gas for cars plus my our 3 kids and my pregnant sister and her 2 kids I exhausted my total savings and when their checks deposited on the 1st they left to go get us all something to eat and never came back instead i later discovered they rented a motel.
George was ask by a rather young reporter with not a lot of experience,"when did sex end for you?"
George replied " about two this morning, when did it end for you?"
George told of buying new night gown for his girl friend. He said it had over two hundred yards of material in it.
When ask why so much material, George replied "At my age it is more fun looking for it than it is after I find it."
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
An American tourist happened by and wondered if what she had heard about Scotsmen was true - so she carefully lifted his kilt and took a peek- sure enough it was so she took the blue ribbon from her hair and tied a little bow around his pride and joy
later, when he awoke, the Scotsman needed to relieve himself and when he looked down, he exclaimed-
I don’t know where you’ve been laddie but I’m glad you won first prize
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut!
How many is a brazilian?"
lovbob
Dori-toes!
I'm so sorry lol but it made me laugh!
Whenever The Viking has a bad day, come here! I always get a good laugh. Short and fun easy reading. Sometimes the saga of Dorker just goes on and on. Her MIL already left! We must have a little fun!
Welcome to the Grossed Out Thread and thanks for the great joke!
Anytime you want to pop one in here we all appreciate it.
Hey everybody, I went back to school. Now a student at the local college and am having a good time learning.
I hope everyone is well and doing the best they can.
Hey Cuz!
lovbob
if I may -
an elderly man was walking down the street one day and a small frog was hopping about and yelled to the man to pick it up
as the man picked up the frog, the frog said, if you kiss me I'll turn into a lovely young woman
the man put the frog in his shirt pocket and kept walking
the frog was a bit surprised and said, did you hear what I said?
one kiss and I'll be a beautiful young woman
the man looked down at the frog and said, at my age, a talking frog is ever so much more entertaining