An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was a gay Mexican and the other a drunk gringo.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her. My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other. The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive. He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were very interesting.
10% Of women think their ass is too skinny 30% Of women think their ass is too fat 60% Say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
thinking of you all . cuz youre amazing with your jokes .... wheres jsomebody at ? i think of her often ... i am doing ok . my husband had his cancer bladder and prostate taken out and is feeling alot better... thank you jesus .... did alot of chemo over 3 years and cancer keeps coming back . best way to get rid of it is to remove the bladder and prostate ... take care and let me know how is everyone i know xoxo
-Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...
Did you know? It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is three times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2 times as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire text. A man is still looking at his thumb.
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" PASS THIS ON ONLY IF YOU LAUGHED!!!
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
Son's Note A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in. He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sadness that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Susie and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant. Don't worry though, Susie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Susie has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Susie can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son Tim. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jimmy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card ... That's in my desk drawer.
Art Collector A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Deep Hole Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole. The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep." The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing." So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise. The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing. They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise." So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?" The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!" "Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
That's quite an image. Old dude's balls hitting the water, like a couple big teabags.
Pam, both you and Glad are hilarious. Glad, loved the Septic Tank story.
Let's post some jokes on here for Cuz. He's going through a tough time. I never had a brother or sister, so I can't really know the depth of what Cuz is feeling, but it's got to be epic. Mike was his fishing buddy who he's been hanging out with since they were both little babies.
I cant make this up time.. FIL last year bought a potty seat for the toilets at the river house.. the one that makes the seat higher. He came down this week while we were there.. I reminded hubs that he was going to want the seat on the toilet (his dad, his job.. I get grossed out cleaning those things,, but I do it) Of course he didn't get it put on. SO.. while we had company,, he comes out of the house and said he "wants to give me some advice, not telling me what to do",, and I pre empted him and said "you want the potty seat on".. Yes indeed,, because his balls hit the water when he sits down! OK,, I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that about my 96 YO FIL,, and so could our guests.. I wont tell you what my hubs said!
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
Confession, I copied this from another site, all were likes, I don't think anyone GOT IT!
My Cousin Mike, and my Cousin Harv, Cuz, were the highlights of my childhood. When I was a kid, we would drive up to see my mom's side of the family, and these were the two guys I couldn't wait to hang out with. My Uncle Richard and my Aunt Hank, their dad and mom, were always very cool in the midst of some other relatives that could be, shall we say, pretty tight in the afterburners. I loved them all, but my Cuz and Mike were the stars of the show.
Did I ever tell you, they had a boat. It was a ski boat, and Mike and Harv loved to ski. That was the first boat I ever drove, and they taught me how to pull skiers. I just wanted to drive the boat, and Mike and Harv just wanted to ski. It worked out perfectly. We would tear around Silver Lake, and I would reach back and jiggle the gas can, and when it got low, I'd drive over to Uncle Richard and he would put a new can in, laughing the whole time.
Mike and Aunt Hank drove down to Florida a few years back, and they actually took the time to drive to Jacksonville, where I was with my boat, and see me. When I saw Mike and Aunt Hank I burst out crying and hugged the stuffing out of both of them.
I'm sad to say that bobbie321 has lost her cousin and I have lost my brother Mike sometime after 10:30 pm Sunday night. I found him this morning after he didn't answer his phone. He lived about 13 miles from my house. He was my fishing buddy for many many years. He was 68 years old. R.I.P.
Sorry I haven't posted any jokes of late but I need to update you on my brother and captain bobbie's cousin. He has been in the hospital for the last two weeks for weight gain. He has been trying hard to stay around 270# but shot up to 294# because he retains water so bad. Been on pee pills for over three years. He got down to 272# because they were running an IV Lasix drip which did make him pee alot but his heart is so weak that they suggested calling in a hospice team because the condition of his heart is around 20% and they are giving him less than 6 months. I got him home yesterday and he was doing ok but today he now on oxygen now because he is having a hard time breathing. I will keep you gals updated and try to find some good jokes to brighten your day ok. luv cuz
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, Happy Birthday!
Bwahaha! This had been THE worst day ever and I just have to say Thank You for these jokes. I'm not even reading anything more tonight. I'm stopping with the best!
MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED "Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth."You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids! My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like a ninja on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!" "Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home. The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves. This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day." The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes.” “I’m sorry sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theatre.” The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge,” whispered Mildred. “What?” said Marge. “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.” “What makes you think so?” asked Marge? “He undid his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred. “Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all” “I thought so too”, said Mildred, “But this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”
Bobbie. Update is they cancelled everything because heart is to weak. I got him home today and I guess whatever happens, happens. He will be going to a pain clinic in about 3 weeks but the last one was a joke so we will have to wait and see. Hugs luvCuz
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His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"
Two cowboys
applied for the job. One was a gay Mexican and the other a drunk
gringo.
She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy
proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the
two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day,
the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly
called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he
did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she
asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off
my skirt."
He slowly
unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off
my bra.."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
There is a new study about women and how
they feel about their asses, the results were
very interesting.
10% Of women think their ass is too skinny
30% Of women think their ass is too fat
60% Say they don't care, they love him,
he is a good man and they wouldn't
trade him for the world.
i am doing ok . my husband had his cancer bladder and prostate taken out and is feeling alot better... thank you jesus .... did alot of chemo over 3 years and cancer keeps coming back . best way to get rid of it is to remove the bladder and prostate ...
take care and let me know how is everyone i know xoxo
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...
but I'm nervous cuz I've never
run that far before.
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass
from mouth to stomach. A human
hair can hold 3kg. The length of a
penis is three times the length of
the thumb. The femur is as hard as
concrete. A woman's heart beats
faster than a man's. Women
blink 2 times as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to
keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has read this entire text.
A man is still looking at his thumb.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
PASS THIS ON ONLY IF YOU LAUGHED!!!
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story?
If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.
A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.
He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sadness that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Susie and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant.
Don't worry though, Susie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Susie has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Susie can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your son Tim.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jimmy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card ...
That's in my desk drawer.
I love you.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Pam, both you and Glad are hilarious. Glad, loved the Septic Tank story.
Let's post some jokes on here for Cuz. He's going through a tough time. I never had a brother or sister, so I can't really know the depth of what Cuz is feeling, but it's got to be epic. Mike was his fishing buddy who he's been hanging out with since they were both little babies.
Love you Cuz.
From Everybody here on the Grossed Out Thread
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I sang like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
As I sang & played “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
Confession, I copied this from another site, all were likes, I don't think anyone GOT IT!
https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/blue-bell-identifies-exact-contaminated-ice-cream-tub-from-viral-licking-video-at-a-texas-walmart
My Cousin Mike, and my Cousin Harv, Cuz, were the highlights of my childhood. When I was a kid, we would drive up to see my mom's side of the family, and these were the two guys I couldn't wait to hang out with. My Uncle Richard and my Aunt Hank, their dad and mom, were always very cool in the midst of some other relatives that could be, shall we say, pretty tight in the afterburners. I loved them all, but my Cuz and Mike were the stars of the show.
Did I ever tell you, they had a boat. It was a ski boat, and Mike and Harv loved to ski. That was the first boat I ever drove, and they taught me how to pull skiers. I just wanted to drive the boat, and Mike and Harv just wanted to ski. It worked out perfectly. We would tear around Silver Lake, and I would reach back and jiggle the gas can, and when it got low, I'd drive over to Uncle Richard and he would put a new can in, laughing the whole time.
Mike and Aunt Hank drove down to Florida a few years back, and they actually took the time to drive to Jacksonville, where I was with my boat, and see me. When I saw Mike and Aunt Hank I burst out crying and hugged the stuffing out of both of them.
Crying now.
Love you Cuz.
lovbob
luv cuz
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, Happy Birthday!
SPARKY
"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth."You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like a ninja on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
The ticket agent asked, sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster chuck. Wherever I go, chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theatre.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge?
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred.
“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all”
“I thought so too”, said Mildred, “But this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”