Dad gets angry any time I try to talk to him or ask him a question. I'm depressed to the point of spending most days outside.


My dad spends most of his days in his bedroom and instead of trying to talk through walls, I go to his door. If I go in there to try to have a civil discussion all he says is "whatever" and goes back to his computer. Trying to talk to him when he is on facebook is impossible. If I try to ask his knowledge he just blow it off or yell "why would I care? it's been too long. When he does talk to me it is to try to tell me how to do things or what to do, never asking, just stating, and never a thanks.

This has brought me to a point that I would like to be able to talk to him, but get depressed just thinking about it and am to a point that i spend most of my time outside

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I found when i honor the man, not cater to his disease, Dad and I get along well. Sometimes we treat grown men, who's value as a person depends on being the protector, guide, and provider, as children. Maybe it would help if you asked questions in this format. Would you like to get dressed, what do you want to eat, can you help me with this problem. Always in the form of a question and leading with can you, will you do you, etc. This way it is his decision.

I found the book "Fascinating Womanhood" to be enlightening on the male psyche. It's an eyeopener. We women treat men the way a woman would want to be treated. All we end up doing is infuriating them, demeaning them. Since i have found this book and acted on it, everything works better. I hope it helps you

I cannot think of anything else that Jeanne did not already say. I can see why you are frustrated. You are too young to isolate and waste your life away--not that any age is better to do that, but you will never enjoy your youth, have a life, if you continue in the current mode. If financial means exist for his care, no reason for you to be trapped there. I suggest you talk to one or more of the following: counselor, therapist, attorney, financial planner and PLAN your next move. Which should be OUT, then ON to recreating your own life focus and career. Do not let anyone trap you and hold you captive. That is not healthy or normal. He may be your father, but he is not well in many areas, including mentally.
Be brave and take the strength you have been using to cope with him and help yourself, Dear One:) xo

Thanks for the additional information. That helps.

You realize that this could go on for another 20 or 30 years, or longer, don't you? You are wise to be questioning things now, and preparing to make improvements.

Besides taking care of his finances, what specific kind of help do you provide for your father? Preparing meals? Housecleaning? Laundry? Manage medications? Is he able to bathe himself? Dress? Although he is legally blind he is able to use a computer ... is he able to do other things around the house?

Although you are "obligated to make sure he is being well taken care of" that does not mean you have to personally provide all the care. You can take care of his finances without living with him. You can come in and do other things, or arrange for someone else to. He could pay for a house cleaner, for example, and perhaps get meals on wheels.

Isolating yourself with a person who doesn't interact with you just doesn't seem healthy for you. You have your own health issues. Sitting in his house brooding, not being appreciated, and feeling depressed isn't good for you! Do you have friends your own age? Do you get out of the house to exercise at the Y or go to book discussions at the library or take a community ed class? What are you doing for your own enjoyment and to interact with other people? Depending on your dad for social interaction is not working out for you. Your mother was apparently not able to deal with his addiction to the internet. Why do you think you should be able to?

You are not responsible for your siblings' behavior and you are not likely to be able to change it. The nature of their relationship with your father is their problem ... don't make it yours.

It may be easier to make a life for yourself if you lived in your own place. HUD housing may be a viable option. I hope you consider it seriously.

Sorry, I haven't posted a lot of info. I am 33 years old, he is 59. Originally, I had him move in with me until he got better as he was having problems with his feet and losing his vision. This turned out to be peripheral neuropathy and a detached retina, he had eye surgery, but is still legally blind. I was making good money back then, about 8 years ago until 2010, but then I had a recurrence of my seizures. This became medically refractory and I am still fighting it.

Needless to say, I lost my job, and had to go on SSDI myself, I lost my drivers license and now make about half what he does, so in a way, he is helping to support me. I could move out, as I myself qualify for HUD assistance, but not with him. I choose not to as there is nobody else, besides, he is my father and helped me out alot when I was younger.

He never really wants to talk, he has gone into his own world with facebook. In fact, the internet itself was a major cause of his divorce with my mother. Anyways, I know he means well, his father was the same way with him from what I understand, I don't want to turn out that way and am worried that I will as I have had times that I got into arguments with him recently and went off on my mother on the phone. I apologized to her, she understands as I have no one to talk to around here.

I am obligated to make sure he is being well taken care of, as I am his DPOA and also the fiduciary for his trust, so I handle the finances. Being that I am his attorney in fact, in all actuality I am entitled to being paid, which I have always figured since he has helped on bills so much I don't worry about it and never have.

I have tried asking him about having a discussion, his only response is "When I die."

I think the hardest part is that my 3 siblings have no involvement in helping out and never even call. His health is getting worse and they still never visit.

Hard to tell from your post and profile any details. How old are you and how old is your Dad? You seem very young and at his disposal. Does he support you? Do you have to live with him? He sounds selfish and obsessive.
Does he ever want to talk? Ask him what would be a good time to have a discussion. Tell us more so we have a perspective from which to help:)

Hi s10sleeper, are you sure your Dad did not turn into a teenager? Just teasing. I read on your profile that he had diabetes. No dementia , right? If he is of sound mind it is my thinking that if he wants to sulk in his room let him. Are you worried about him not being happy? Because, again, if he is with it enough I think he is responsible for his own happiness. Not that you shouldn't try and include him in things but I wouldn't beat myself up trying to please him. If he tells you to do something and it is a good suggestion I would thank him and do it. If he tells you to do something and you do not agree I would say thanks but no thanks.
Do you think he is enjoying being a crab a22. No offense. Just, is he getting a kick out of seeing you squirm? Or is he depressed. If he is depressed than maybe a visit to a geriatric psychologist or psychiatrist is in order. If he is just being cantankerous than I would just try and be happy without him. Maybe if he sees you having a splendid time without him he will get bored with himself and come out.
Just some thoughts.
Good luck.

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