Anybody else ever feel like giving up?

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We cannot afford a NH. With what he has left, and what home sitters cost, what he has left will be gone quickly. What happens if my own doctor admits me somewhere for depression/exhaustion? I have no life left. No one to help me and we are sinking. I don't know what the point is anymore.

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And yes - he is on medicare. He's 74. I don't know how some older folks handle all the paperwork --- when I first started taking things over for him in 2010, I couldn't figure out all the medicare stuff. :-)
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I was living in Colorado and making monthly sometimes twice monthly driving trips back here when things starting seem "off" in 2010. One of my trips back too him to doc and discovered cancer and just couldn't do both cancer and dementia long distance. I didn't have any income for 2 years until my husband's survivor benefit started (lost him 8 years ago), my fiance was helping me supplement until I reached that benefit. He couldn't return with me because his 12 y/o daughter is out there (IL here). I had every intention of moving in there when things got bad but psychologically, because he relates to me as a partner, my doc really advises against that. This is all a long story but the short part of this is - my dad helped me with money get caught up on all I'd spent on those trips back here and the move - somebody told me I can't look at medicaid for 5 years because he gave me that money. Because he wouldn't do for me w/o also doing for my sister --- he also gave her money - she has a new boat and lived within 45 mins of his house and not once could do what I was doing from colorado and hasn't seen him in all these years (nobody can understand that). My friend is 3 hours away - I go up to see her on occasion when I can with the help of my dad's neighbor help keeping an eye on things while I'm up there. I just look at the paperwork for the in-home help and overwhelms me - she made me a "homework" assignment for this week to start getting someone in 3 mornings a week. I'm driving over 100 miles a day to get to my dad's. After 3 years of worrying (having a little bit of post traumatic-like anxiety because of the long illness and caregiving with my husband who I eventually came home to deceased when it wasn't expected) - I'm having some trouble thinking about the in-home help - it would be a welcome break but organizing who does what when, and keeping track of it - almost too tiring for me to do and just easier to do it myself so I'm going in circles. I've given up any relationship with the family I have left - my sister took his money and didn't even visit him. She can make it in town to go to the local bar. She has 2 grown children within minutes of him and nothing. I take frequent breaks thru the day, I sit in the library after breakfast before lunch most days - sundays I use the hospital lobby because library is closed - my life is just scattered. Sorry to rant - I can't even think straight to find the right point here to make sense in what I'm trying to ask.
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I want to echo what jeannegibbs said. Is he on Medicare? Medicare will cover initial costs in a skilled nursing facility and if you decide to do that get to your local Medicaid office pronto and begin that process because Medicare will drop him eventually. However, as long as you're in the process of applying for Medicaid for him he can stay in the nursing home. Here in MO Medicaid that's needed for a patient in a nursing home is called Vendor Medicaid. Check your local Medicaid website for your state's guidelines. If he has any money you may have to spend down that money in order to qualify for Medicaid but it depends upon how much he has and where exactly it is (real estate? property? investments?). He can't just give it away, it has to be dispersed in certain ways. Purchasing a prearranged funeral package is a Medicaid-acceptable spend down. Hiring in-home staff is another way people spend down in preparation for putting their loved one in a nursing home although I'm not sure if this is Medicaid acceptable. You'd have to check your state's guidelines. But if he has no money and it looks as if he may have to go into a nursing home find the facility you like the best and get acquainted with their social worker. It's the social worker's job to help you navigate through all of the Medicaid stuff.
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I am so glad to hear he is eligible for in-home or community-based services! Please start taking advantage of these services as soon as possible. If you are feeling too overwhelmed to do it alone, is there someone who can help you? Perhaps the friend who called Dept of Aging? It is really important to your health to get help taking care of Dad's health.

See how things work out once you have the maximum amount of help arranged. If/when the time comes that Dad needs to move to a care center, discuss with his case worker the transition to another Medicaid program.

You do not have to do this alone!
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A friend of mine called the Dept of Aging - I kept promising I'd get some help in but on this hamster wheel of how things work right now, I just hadn't done it. They evaluated him and he is eligible for some in-home stuff at the rate the state pays. It's the CARP program - if he had less then $17,000 I believe he would get it free but he has $24,000 left. I haven't started using any of them yet. Do I go to medicaid thru the people that evaluated him from the State's Dept of Aging? He couldn't pass anything on the evaluation, doesn't really know who I am. He recognizes me but not as his daughter - we're not sure who - sometimes I'm that girl that stays with him, sometimes I'm a potential "partner". When the dept of aging asked if it was okay for them to make me his emergency contact - at first he asked whether his mother should do it (she's been gone since 1980) and then his father (deceased even before her). The other day he couldn't figure out how to get a lid off a to-go cup and some days can't get out of a seat belt.
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Most dementia patients do reach a point where it is not possible to provide optimal care for them at home.

I think what needs to happen next is for you to apply for Medicaid for your father, and to find either more in-home care for him, or more likely a good dementia care facility. Or do those in the reverse order -- find a care center that will admit him "Medicaid pending" and help you through the application process.

You do not need to be able to afford a NH -- he does. And if he cannot, that is what Medicaid is for.
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