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Is it mostly for financial reasons? Should we all work together to make sure elderly get good care in these facilities? I have told my children that should I become abusive to them or uncooperative in their efforts to help me as I age, they are to have me move to a facility because at present, in my right mind, I am convinced they deserve better than that. Would your parents want you to to suffer so much for them. I read a lot of suffering on this site.

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There are so many circumstances that have to be considered that I find it difficult to understand if someone is vehemently anti-facility or vehemently pro-homecare. It's a personal decision that, hopefully, is made among families taking everything into consideration especially the day to day care needed for an elderly parent and the ability of one person (usually only one person) to provide that care day in and day out, year after year.

Neither option is ideal (home care vs skilled nursing care) and each has it's own drawbacks and consequences. It's a family decision based upon many factors. But there are zealots out there who will scream their position from the rooftops and expect everyone else to believe the same way. And when someone has an opposing viewpoint they are attacked and ridiculed. In my opinion that says more about that person than it does about the person they're attacking.

I didn't join this website to insult or ridicule anyone, far be it for me to judge others. If I have a personal opinion about a touchy subject such as this I will usually choose to keep it to myself so as not to alienate anyone or insult anyone or their choices. But there are trolls on any website such as this and they sit in their dark little corners in their homes and dish out the poison they are too impotent to handle in their real life. So they attack strangers online and they get to feel smart and important. I think they're silly and their posts say more about them then they do about whatever they're writing about.
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You are right. Many people are totally closed to the idea of care centers of any kind. Others, like JessieBelle and me and many others, are open to the idea but continue to care for loved ones at home because it seems to be the best option in our circumstances.

But those who not only insist on keeping their own loved ones at home but also give sometimes heated advice that no one should "dump" their loved ones in a facility or "throw them away"? I can't speak for their reasons but by reading their posts I sense these things:
1) Religious beliefs
2) Guilt
3) A sincere and honest belief that home care is always best
4) An attitude of "If I can do it so can anyone."
5) A belief (perhaps based on limited or outdated experience) that all facilities are terrible places
6) Observation of a situation where a person was indeed "dumped" in a facility and abandoned.
7) A need to justify their own decisions

Such people are entitled to their opinions and to express them here. Whatever their reasons, I think they are wrong. I'm entitled to express that opinion, too.
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When I began care for my Mother in 2008, she went into a care home near me for a year and a half. My siblings chose not to assist. After a while, I thought I could do better for Mother, which was similar to resort life for her--including spa, beauty treatments, exercise, outings, the best food 3x a day... I know, you want to move to my house, huh ? You are correct.
However, the main caregiver started getting wasted. I started Googling and found this wonderful place:) I negotiated with myself, with my husband, with God.
Finally, after 2 false starts in the wrong homes, I re-placed my Mother in care home of original owner. I tried. I gained weight. I cried. I tripped and fell from lack of sleep. My husband was 100% supportive of whatever I chose to do.
I knew they would not keep up her exercise, and her muscles atrophied. I knew she would not be entertained every waking moment. She was difficult, needy, blind, selfish, not interested in anything but her immediate needs.
Our problem was not money, but giving the most compassionate care to a difficult elder. I tried my best for her. I had to think of my own life and the example I was setting for my own kids. I have told them both and their partners: Never become a martyr to care for me when I need help. God willing, I will die in my sleep after a busy day of singing and gardening. I pray that. We just all do our best and try to figure it out. I processed a lot of crap from my family or origin by taking on my Mother--and my sister. Yay. Moving on. Mother is almost 96, minimal quality of physical life , who knows what is going on in her head. Devastating. Still trying my best. Waiting. Praying. Good question, food for thought. I advocate placement when possible, because each of us is EQUAL. No more sacrificial lambs. xo
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im on board with allowing my mother to go to a facility when it becomes the option for her best quality of life. i do not imagine a facility having adequate staffing for anyone to give mom the emotional support and personal attention that i can give her at home right now. theyre not going to take her for a sandwich and a little country ride like i now do daily. im not knocking the facilities but for now i think im better emotional support although i am a little deficient in the f*****g spiritual needs department..
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No, that's probably a less common reason for doing home care, though there certainly are people who financially don't have options and for any number of reasons do nto qualify for help. What I have learned since being on here is that many people simply believe that facilities are for people whose families do not love them, or that all facilities are bad, or that only bad people put their loved ones in facilities. I wish it were not so, but that's where it is for a lot of people; they don't think of someone's need outstripping their abilities, or tolerance. Sadly, some people even keep loved ones at home even if it means they can't even get them out of bed, let alone take any kind of trip outside the home, and that means a lot lower quality of life. We had a family with multiple members with a musclar dystrophy condition who just did that and let nature take its course, so that when the affected members were too weak to get up on their own, they just became invalids and bed bound for the rest of their lives. It was just what they did. Don't get me wrong - home is often best for any number of reasons, and I wish we had never needed facilties for my parents! But, wishing did not make it so....
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If others are like me, they just take it a day at a time. I am not opposed to helping my mother go to a facility when it is time. We each have to judge when that time is. My mother is not ready to go yet. She can still function in the world. She goes for walks and sits out in the swing. These are times when she is most happy. I have a feeling that in a facility she would end up staying in her room all day watching TV because she is not a socializer. So... not opposed, but the time is not right yet. Maybe something catastrophic, e.g. heart attack, stroke..., will happen before she needs to. We can never tell.
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despite our efforts to keep elders in their homes as long as possible i read the statistic recently claiming that nearly 70 % of dementia patients pass away in facilities. our hospice nurse explained the other day that this is often the result of a stroke . i could envision the time when round the clock bedside nursing could get to be too much for family. at the same time i know that sometimes NH's are staffed with mental midgets. itll be a hard call when the time comes.
now i can tell a funny one on myself. 6 years ago when i started staying with mom i asked her what i should do if i found her in a low blood sugar coma. i told her i might inject her with pancake syrup. she laughed and told me the syrup in the house was sugar free so that wouldnt help much. my mom is pretty brilliant before the dementia worsened.
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The reason dementia patients die if they are in a facility is the illness progresses so bodily functions cease. So, one's death certificate will not say cause of death dementia, it will most likely be congestive heart failure or respiratory failure, kidney failure, etc. Having said that, loved ones fear mom or dad dying without anyone around, and its their own fear of death that drives the resistance to place family into a facility. Discussions between parents and adult children need to begin BEFORE dementia robs the person of their wishes, and of course most people will say they do not want to go into a facility. But, the reality is, the adult child(ren) have to balance their lives around what they can reasonable do and what works best for them. Making sacrifices for an elderly parent requires strength and fortitude, but do not be ashamed if you cannot take care of a person with dementia. They won't know about the quality of care and do not forget this is a TERMINAL illness, for which one does not recover.
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My experience has been good, even in the nursing home. Family members do visit every day. But, my Mother was going to waste away, trying to live alone. She is not someone that any of us could live with.

But, she had all of her finances in order. She has Medicare, gap insurance and long term health care insurance. It is important for all of us to plan ahead.

Also, Mother has her own mind and is able to feed herself. Maybe that makes a difference, because she would raise a fuss, if the care wasn't good.
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It is a difficult and personal decision. Yes, there are many who think that placing a loved one is throwing them away and they make that judgement call without knowing who you are as a person. Others believe that "we take care of our own" at all costs even if it means going broke, filing bankruptcy and others it is the financial end as to why they don't place a loved one. Putting your life on hold and becoming a full time caregiver 24/7 takes a toll on ones physical and emotional health. Placing a loved one does not make the responsibilities go away. You still have to advocate for them, and if they are in assisted living, you are probably still helping with grocery shopping, dr. appts., laundry,etc. depending on the level of care your loved one needs. My mother has Alzheimer's Disease, she is mentally incapacitated can no longer make decisions for herself that are in her best interest to keep herself safe, fed properly. She is living in assisted living. I do her laundry, take her to appts., advocate for her care, I am still running back and forth between my life with my husband, work, home and seeing my mother. I actually spend more time with my mom than I do my husband. My mother participates in the memory care program daily, when I visit, I take her out of memory care...we have lunch in the dining hall on the assisted living side. Then we take her dog for a walk, and just hang out in her apartment with her dog. I can now spend hours with her, but when she was living at her home, I was running back forth several times a day and not really spending time with her. So far this is working for us and I know my mom is safe and she is being treated with respect.
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